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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    Ok I really need some opinions. Despite being told I have one by my councillor and some other people I really can't believe I have an eating disorder for several reasons that i'll state. Just some advice would be really great - i'm going to spoiler it because it includes some possible triggers including talk of BMI so don't look if you will get upset. I know you people can't DIAGNOSE eating disorders but I just want to know if it's just me thinking about this too much.

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    Ok, heres just some info about me

    - I believe I have always used food for a comfort. I used to be overweight when I was younger. Was told I was fat every day by my brother and mum throughout my childhood.
    - I went through a time about 2 years ago of loosing all interest in food and went from BMI 25.5 to BMI 19 in about 8 months.
    - Put it back on and became really muscular through running and weights (obsessively) and became BMI 23 ish

    Within the last 3 months or so

    - I see the patterns of needing to loose weight again. Like last time.
    - Anxiety levels are through the roof. Need to control everything.
    - Doing some form of excercise like sit ups every two hours or so. Getting restless if not.
    - Keep a food diary.
    - Self harm and shout names at myself if I eat too much
    - Restrict to 200 calories a day.. next day 400.. next day 500... and then back to 200.
    - After about 5 days of restriction I usually binge.
    - I've lost half a stone in the last 3 weeks. Still not happy with this. It doesn't seem like enough.
    - Sometimes I zone out of anxiety mode and have a snack of it's offered. I feel guilty but don't purge.
    - Black out and get light headed a lot.
    - Drink rediculous ammounts of water. Always thirsty.
    - Call myself fat all the time. Kind of like a multiple personality thing. Evil me comes out and starts insulting myself. It's wierd

    Edit: Oh and also this probably seems like a bit of a stupid thing to say but I actually love food. I love cooking and am a really good cook. I like tasting as well. But I won't let myself at the moment because of the whole 'you're too fat' thing.

    So basically because this is all fairly recent, within the last 3 months or so, and hasn't caused me to loose enough wait to take myself seriously, basically.

    So with all of the information on the table. What do you think? I know it all looks like classic symptoms but with people telling me i'm looking really good and to keep up the weight loss it's kind of confusing. There are so many messages to loose more and more weight.

    Does it really matter if you can stick the words 'eating disorder' onto yourself or not?
    What is clear is that you are torturing yourself through starvation and are very much consumed by the process. Please try to get all the support you can and figure out a plan of easing yourself back into health. Before it's too late. And I promise you the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

    Losing more and more weight won't make your reasons (your real reasons) for doing so go away. There will always be messages out there telling you to lose weight, ********s telling you how great you look and how you should keep at it, skinny people that make you feel bad about yourself. But honestly, don't waste your life on this. Please try to figure out why you are so unhappy. Maybe you can't fix something that's happened, maybe it's a feeling that's been with you for so long you don't even remember how everything started. I don't know. But you really need to start sorting out your health, physical and mental, because believe me, this won't make things better. It'll make you miserable and ruin everything in your life, just like it did to millions of people. Don't be one of them. I know things are crappy at the moment and it's not going to be easy to look after yourself better, but you have people in your life (not the ****s telling you to lose weight) like your real friends and family that would be devastated (!!) if you got any sicker. It is unspeakable pain, to have to watch a loved one violently, relentlessly demolish themselves... and realise there is next to nothing you can do. Just think about that, and take care of yourself <3
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    just had a massive argument with my 'friend' i'm so pissed off, he wanted more of me than i felt comfortable with with the way things are at the moment, and he started telling me how pathetic it was that 'i think i'm fat when i'm underweight' then i tried explaining about body dismorphia only to hear the reply 'well don't think about being fat then' people's ignorance is ridiculous.

    i hate it, why do people act like i'm choosing to be a pain! i'm not.

    my proms tonight and i'm thinking of going somewhere else on my own and just drinking, i don't think i can face a big prom with all the people looking nice and then just me on the outside looking ridiculous

    i made a pact with myself i wouldn't mess up again because yesterday with help i managed 3 small meals and 2 snacks!! but then today i felt like i ate too much at lunch and everything just went back to normal
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    (Original post by squiff93)
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    just had a massive argument with my 'friend' i'm so pissed off, he wanted more of me than i felt comfortable with with the way things are at the moment, and he started telling me how pathetic it was that 'i think i'm fat when i'm underweight' then i tried explaining about body dismorphia only to hear the reply 'well don't think about being fat then' people's ignorance is ridiculous.

    i hate it, why do people act like i'm choosing to be a pain! i'm not.

    my proms tonight and i'm thinking of going somewhere else on my own and just drinking, i don't think i can face a big prom with all the people looking nice and then just me on the outside looking ridiculous

    i made a pact with myself i wouldn't mess up again because yesterday with help i managed 3 small meals and 2 snacks!! but then today i felt like i ate too much at lunch and everything just went back to normal
    Please keep at it, you're doing so well. Don't let other ignorant/impatient people affect your lovely recovery plan.You want to be healthy and you are doing what you need to do. Okay so you stumbled. Get back up ! xxx

    Go Squiff!
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    I don't want to ruffle any feathers but nobody should be discouraged from posting here for ANY reason, so long as it's for the purpose of encouraging recovery or asking advice on how to recover from your own eating disorders.

    Squiff, I agree with DestroyViruses, you've already taken MANY of the first steps. It gets scarier and steeper from here.

    I personally had a "panic week". I was told to eat 2000 calories and drink fortisips on top of that. I did what I was supposed to, but subconsciously sabotaged myself by MAKING reasons to be more active.

    "Oh, gran needs shopping done. I'll go get it for her."
    "Oh, I need to set up my other gran's new telly."

    At my weigh-in today, I've gone from BMI of 15.6 to 15.3 in one week, and that's WITH my new calorie intake. I cried, I had no idea that even despite eating what I was supposed to, I was sabotaging my own recovery through this ED's sneak tactics and my own weak will.

    What I'm saying is, your ED is just as sly and as cruel a liar as I, as you, as we all have become. But you're kidding nobody but yourself. I did this to myself. I just conditioned myself to believe that, as I was taking in more cals, that I could "afford" to do more.

    But no. I now have a kidney infection, my bone density scan shows severe osteoperosis (SD of -3.6; osteoperosis is diagnosed at -2.5, 1 or more is normal) and I am now in danger of being re-admitted to the hospital against my will.

    This is no life. In one week of self-sabotage I have undone a month of progress. Don't fall into the same trap.

    I only post this as explicitly as I do because my therapist does the same to me - doesn't dress it up, doesn't pussyfoot around the issue. Everyone needs to understand how tough a recovery can be, but at the end of the day, don't fall into the traps your own lies you make for yourself construct.

    You deserve a life beyond this, guys! XXX
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    I've been slowly upping my calories and it's really hard and sending me into fits of neurotic emotions.... it's so hard
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    (Original post by Linweth)
    I've been slowly upping my calories and it's really hard and sending me into fits of neurotic emotions.... it's so hard
    I know sweetpea, but you have to do it to get better.

    The issue I had was that, whilst upping cals, I was also upping exertion and DOING more, hence I was negating all my progress. What you have to remember is you have two options:

    Either up your calorie intake and do less in order to gain weight to a healthy level,

    or

    Continue to up your calories exponentially to your exertion to the point where you grind yourself to dust.

    Basically my therapist said it's pointless to up my calorie allowance even further, it would be more effective to simply have me eat my 2000 calories plus fortisips and do very very little exercise rather than this endless cycle of me trying to "keep up" with doing more and more whilst I ate more and more to the point where every day I'd be like, eating 10,000 calories and running a couple of marathons and collapsing every other day.

    Makes sense I guess, but I understand your emotions Lil.
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    I've put on a stone :woo:
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    (Original post by ily_em)
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    What do YOU think the answer is? It's clear that what you're doing is not healthy. The people who tell you that you look good do not know about your eating habits and your current relationship with food - if they did, they would certainly not want to be encouraging it. They probably think you're losing weight the healthy way (balanced diet, enough calories, slow steady weight loss), which is of course fine (but definitely not necessary) if you're currently in a healthy weight range, and plan on staying in that range. But you're not losing weight healthily. Your councillor is the one to listen to as s/he knows much more about what you're thinking and doing than random people who just see the surface.

    (Original post by forsaken_earth)
    x
    thank you both x
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I don't want to ruffle any feathers but nobody should be discouraged from posting here for ANY reason, so long as it's for the purpose of encouraging recovery or asking advice on how to recover from your own eating disorders.

    Squiff, I agree with DestroyViruses, you've already taken MANY of the first steps. It gets scarier and steeper from here.

    I personally had a "panic week". I was told to eat 2000 calories and drink fortisips on top of that. I did what I was supposed to, but subconsciously sabotaged myself by MAKING reasons to be more active.

    "Oh, gran needs shopping done. I'll go get it for her."
    "Oh, I need to set up my other gran's new telly."

    At my weigh-in today, I've gone from BMI of 15.6 to 15.3 in one week, and that's WITH my new calorie intake. I cried, I had no idea that even despite eating what I was supposed to, I was sabotaging my own recovery through this ED's sneak tactics and my own weak will.

    What I'm saying is, your ED is just as sly and as cruel a liar as I, as you, as we all have become. But you're kidding nobody but yourself. I did this to myself. I just conditioned myself to believe that, as I was taking in more cals, that I could "afford" to do more.

    But no. I now have a kidney infection, my bone density scan shows severe osteoperosis (SD of -3.6; osteoperosis is diagnosed at -2.5, 1 or more is normal) and I am now in danger of being re-admitted to the hospital against my will.

    This is no life. In one week of self-sabotage I have undone a month of progress. Don't fall into the same trap.

    I only post this as explicitly as I do because my therapist does the same to me - doesn't dress it up, doesn't pussyfoot around the issue. Everyone needs to understand how tough a recovery can be, but at the end of the day, don't fall into the traps your own lies you make for yourself construct.

    You deserve a life beyond this, guys! XXX
    Welldone Tommy, for being so real with yourself. Let's see how gracefully you put those wise words of yours into action! You can do it! xxxx

    I'm sorry to hear about your osteoporosis and kidney infection, feel better xx
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    i'm so full i cnt remem re wohat happend rto im to ****ing drunk but imr not eating tmzor thea ry arter i reel rufkd i think i want tto go hopsital bz noting is rogkint but i feel stupid cz imnot actualluy ill i think, i want to kill mhsefl though and i might try ntow whil ei im drunk this cx i know i wont rmemember n thing of this and im gna starve and cutua nd kill
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    (Original post by squiff93)
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    Hun, NO! Is there anyone around? Find someone and stay with them. Call thefrigging Samaritans, just do NOT do anything to yourself. :hugs:
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    (Original post by drbluebox)
    I thought it was a advice thread too? I was wanting help and advice to get better so neg rep isnt the way to do that!
    Why don't you ask for advice and put the detail of your restriction in a 'spoiler'. That's what many do here for triggering material.
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    (Original post by floskii)
    You have to wonder if the people experimented on were able to go back to normal life and having a healthy view of food).
    The main findings are as follows: Serious binge eating developed in a subgroup of men, and this tendency persisted in come cases for months after free access to food was reintroduced; however, the majority of men reported gradually returning to eating normal amounts of food after about 5 months of refeeding.

    Some never recovered and continued with bizarre food behaviours including bingeing. The factors regarding why some recovered and others didn't remain unknown.
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    i'm so full i cnt remem re wohat happend rto im to ****ing drunk but imr not eating tmzor thea ry arter i reel rufkd i think i want tto go hopsital bz noting is rogkint but i feel stupid cz imnot actualluy ill i think, i want to kill mhsefl though and i might try ntow whil ei im drunk this cx i know i wont rmemember n thing of this and im gna starve and cutua nd kill
    :nope: you're not going to do something stupid because I can tell you are stronger than this :yep: you are - even if you don't know it yet :yep:

    Spent the night in hospital and don't plan on going back there for a LONG time. You should let yourself eat today. Not binge, let yourself eat a healthy, controlled ammount of food and you can work up from there.

    Very tired so can't write a lot. Anxiety is finally starting to subside now my body has a bit of food so can rest now xx
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    (Original post by Destroyviruses)
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    Thanks, the only person im hurting is myself atm so i'm going to get out of this habit! really for good this time!!!

    xx

    (Original post by diamonddust)
    X
    (Original post by Cinamon)
    X
    yeah i'm a ****, woke up in ALOT of pain this morning for several reasons, also woke up to a nice lecture from my mum as i managed to break half of the kitchen. really really can't remember last night or what led to my actions but i feel like such an idiot, and i really don't trust myself to be drinking again because what i did was just ridiculous and out of the blue.

    xx
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I don't want to ruffle any feathers but nobody should be discouraged from posting here for ANY reason, so long as it's for the purpose of encouraging recovery or asking advice on how to recover from your own eating disorders.

    Squiff, I agree with DestroyViruses, you've already taken MANY of the first steps. It gets scarier and steeper from here.

    I personally had a "panic week". I was told to eat 2000 calories and drink fortisips on top of that. I did what I was supposed to, but subconsciously sabotaged myself by MAKING reasons to be more active.

    "Oh, gran needs shopping done. I'll go get it for her."
    "Oh, I need to set up my other gran's new telly."

    At my weigh-in today, I've gone from BMI of 15.6 to 15.3 in one week, and that's WITH my new calorie intake. I cried, I had no idea that even despite eating what I was supposed to, I was sabotaging my own recovery through this ED's sneak tactics and my own weak will.

    What I'm saying is, your ED is just as sly and as cruel a liar as I, as you, as we all have become. But you're kidding nobody but yourself. I did this to myself. I just conditioned myself to believe that, as I was taking in more cals, that I could "afford" to do more.

    But no. I now have a kidney infection, my bone density scan shows severe osteoperosis (SD of -3.6; osteoperosis is diagnosed at -2.5, 1 or more is normal) and I am now in danger of being re-admitted to the hospital against my will.

    This is no life. In one week of self-sabotage I have undone a month of progress. Don't fall into the same trap.

    I only post this as explicitly as I do because my therapist does the same to me - doesn't dress it up, doesn't pussyfoot around the issue. Everyone needs to understand how tough a recovery can be, but at the end of the day, don't fall into the traps your own lies you make for yourself construct.

    You deserve a life beyond this, guys! XXX
    i know your not a doctor but i wanted to ask you what i'm meant to be doing. i really struggle with the feeling of being full so i seem to let a normal meal completely get the better of me, i don't know whether what i'm doing to get better is really good enough because i use the whole 'i'm taking it slow' excuse and use it to manipulate situations allowing me to stay the same. the other day when i did pretty well managing to eat often what i ate was so pathetic in terms of calories that i wonder whether it can even mean anything anymore.

    am i actually doing the right thing?

    xxx
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    i know your not a doctor but i wanted to ask you what i'm meant to be doing. i really struggle with the feeling of being full so i seem to let a normal meal completely get the better of me, i don't know whether what i'm doing to get better is really good enough because i use the whole 'i'm taking it slow' excuse and use it to manipulate situations allowing me to stay the same. the other day when i did pretty well managing to eat often what i ate was so pathetic in terms of calories that i wonder whether it can even mean anything anymore.

    am i actually doing the right thing?

    xxx
    I have that in an almost reverse sense, back when I was skinny I used to live off just plain spaghetti and if hungry a slice of bread.

    I still get "full" on the same amount of food but feel hungry too so its imbalance of some sort.

    I struggle to eat food as I feel full even on a few bites but the hunger is seperate if that makes sense.
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    i know your not a doctor but i wanted to ask you what i'm meant to be doing. i really struggle with the feeling of being full so i seem to let a normal meal completely get the better of me, i don't know whether what i'm doing to get better is really good enough because i use the whole 'i'm taking it slow' excuse and use it to manipulate situations allowing me to stay the same. the other day when i did pretty well managing to eat often what i ate was so pathetic in terms of calories that i wonder whether it can even mean anything anymore.

    am i actually doing the right thing?

    xxx
    Have you tried specific number goals? Rather than "I need to eat more" saying "I'm going to eat atleats x calories today and increase that by y tomorow" And make a graph of your weight on excell, aim to put on a certain amount of weight per week and if you cant then increase calories.

    xxx

    You cant get tricky if you stick with the numbers!

    Best Wishes.
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    (Original post by Destroyviruses)
    Have you tried specific number goals? Rather than "I need to eat more" saying "I'm going to eat atleats x calories today and increase that by y tomorow" And make a graph of your weight on excell, aim to put on a certain amount of weight per week and if you cant then increase calories.

    xxx

    You cant get tricky if you stick with the numbers!

    Best Wishes.
    That may help me though, if you think it will but with the intention to lose weight/organise calories.

    As in I keep telling myself I need to eat x amount at x time but I struggle to do so which is why I often dont eat till late evening then eat junk to fill up also because my tastebuds are different at night for obv reasons(during the day I crave a nice meal, at night I just want to snack)
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    (Original post by drbluebox)
    I have that in an almost reverse sense, back when I was skinny I used to live off just plain spaghetti and if hungry a slice of bread.

    I still get &quot;full&quot; on the same amount of food but feel hungry too so its imbalance of some sort.

    I struggle to eat food as I feel full even on a few bites but the hunger is seperate if that makes sense.

    i'm confused, but like if you eat enough then still feel hungry could it be psychological hunger? or do you eat feel full but then feel hungry again soon after? if thats the case maybe your not eating the right sorts of food, like you could eat a bowl of lettuce you'd feel 'full' because your stomach would be, but you wouldn't be full for long because theres not really any stubstance to it or anything to give you more energy and nutrition. if thats the case maybe eat foods that are low on the GI scale because they keep you full for longer, like eggs and apples and fish i think.

    xx

    (Original post by Destroyviruses)
    Have you tried specific number goals? Rather than &quot;I need to eat more&quot; saying &quot;I'm going to eat atleats x calories today and increase that by y tomorow&quot; And make a graph of your weight on excell, aim to put on a certain amount of weight per week and if you cant then increase calories.

    xxx

    You cant get tricky if you stick with the numbers!

    Best Wishes.
    yeah thats a good idea! i think it'll stop me freaking out about food aswell if its more controled and written down and calculated i think i'll find it easier to rationalise my thoughts and not to do the things i usually seem to do.

    xxx
 
 
 
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