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    • #14
    #14

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm devastated.

    For ages I've been having tins of sweetcorn for a snack - it feels "safe". I enjoy it. But they've changed the recipe somehow, and the new one has less salt but more calories. It also tastes different; that's how I noticed. Before it was exactly 100 calories per tin, which was ok, but now it's more. So now my brain says it's all gone wrong and I can't have the sweetcorn any more and I'm really upset.
    :hugs: I know how hard it is when your plans get messed up but if you like it try to defy the thought telling you you can't have it.

    I'm being a complete hypocrite.

    You know what I hate the most about this illness? I have exams in a week tomorrow, I have 2 mock exams tomorrow and after undereating for about the 8/9 months I've been out of hospital, my brain and body have to go absolutely haywire now. I just ate a really small plate of lentils and rice after my alloted calories for the day because I need to revise and I haven't really been eating meals because they make me feel sick and now I just want to cry and rage at myself for eating and ruining the haze in my head. But I know I should be eating more than I am and I NEED to pass my exams. If I don't make my firm, it's going to crush me and that's the most important thing at the moment. But I can't deal with it right now. I don't feel safe anymore, not around food, not around people and not in my own house. There's not even a reason for it. It's just all building up again. I feel like I need to escape my own body.

    I don't have an appointment to see my psych until after the exams are over and all my nurse does is weigh me and tell me to 'keep eating' despite the fact I pretty much stopped sticking to the mealplan since I left IP. I'm sitting here beating myself up over not revising as much as I should and eating too much and not eating enough all at the same time and all I really want to do is hide away and feel safe but I also need to pass my exams and live like a normal person without all of this in my head but depression makes it so hard to eat normally and my head is driving me insane and all I have in my brain is 'too many calories' and 'revise' and the only thing I know is I will hate myself if I don't get the grades for uni just because I can't fight this. But I don't know how to fight anymore. I'll probably feel strong enough to try again tomorrow... maybe.

    Sorry for the rant on here. I didn't know where else to put this and there are so few people who understand...
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    The sweetcorn thing I can totally understand. And both previous anonymous posters, it's not as absurd as it sounds.

    Restriction is the key to anorexia, and it's not about vanity; it's about control. So, say I've been eating something even with as few calories as pickled onions. Some jars of pickled onions let you have 100g for 10 calories. So if your "internal database" thinks that, and you eat 100g, only to find out THIS jar of onions is 25 calories per 100g, logic tells any normal person "Oh, 15 extra calories." It's frivolous, simple, mistake. Who cares, right?

    But an anorexic has meticulously planned every last calorie he or she will or has consumed during the day. This is devastating to them. Now he or she will need to offset something else. It will be on their mind for the rest of the day.

    Sometimes it's not really about how many extra calories you've consumed at all - more that you were so stupid to not have absolute control over the situation.
    • #15
    #15

    Thank you all for sharing your stories. Sat her weeping. Hate that anyone so young is going through such an incredibly hard thing. And I hope that gradually over time you manage to combat those demons, you’re the bravest people.

    I saw anorexia from the outside and it was terrifying. My best friend was always a gorgeous size, she was perfect. She is still the most beautiful person I know. Funny, clever, a total social butterfly, everyone adores her. But there was always that niggling doubt. She excelled at school and in everything she did, it was a really competitive place to be and something changed and she cracked. Her weight loss was so fast, no one saw it coming. Began to notice she was looking a lot thinner and then one morning at breakfast she broke down because she’d seen how many calories there were in a glass of juice. Anorexia tore her apart, she was constantly tired, collapsing, her hair got really thin, she looked visibly ill. She was going to sessions at the local anorexia unit, and lots of other appointments during the week and still battling into school, but she was so weak. She was put on anti-depressants and that alongside lots of support and being terrified of what could happen meant that she gradually started to eat a little more, allow herself a few more calories. She’d still eat things that you wouldn’t think a person on a restrictive diet would have eaten but then it would hit you that that’s all she’d eaten. But when it really changed was when she went away to stay with family for a month after exams. She came back, my best friend was back. Anorexia nearly jeopardised her going to uni, we were all really unsure about it. But it’s been one of the best things for her. Think it gave her something else to control a completely fresh start; although she’s still on anti-depressants and attending counselling sessions every week. However she still has those spirals of self doubt and loathing and then becoming restrictive and losing weight again. It really scares her that she’ll have this for the rest of her life, that there will always be those feelings despite lying dormant until something triggers it again.

    From the outside it was the most terrifying thing. Thought I was going to lose her. But we stayed so close throughout. Early on I decided not to let it affect the way I was around her. Didn’t want to be like the others, but was constantly watching what I said, still do. Don’t want to say anything that makes her hurt more. Find myself protecting her from things, queuing for the checkout at boots and there were all the celebrity magazines with stories of weight loss and celebrities with anorexia and I didn’t want her to see. Still remember so vividly waking up in the morning and watching her looking in the mirror tearing at the skin on her stomach and arms crying. What really got me was seeing her hands; they looked so tiny and thin, all her jewellery was too big. Now when I see her hands it reminds me how far she’s come. It was a really scary place to be, watching someone that I love SO much trying to destroy herself and not being able to do anything. But apparently just being there, and being a constant and being normal was enough. Whilst it sounds really selfish, at the start I found myself blaming things I’d done for her anorexia; we always said we’d feel lots happier during the summer once when we’d lost a bit of weight. But that wasn't going to get us anywhere. She's been through so much and whilst it was hard, pleased she let me in. Although there are some things I know she'll never talk about, doesn't go into the control aspect of it all as much. It's a whole different mentality that sometimes from the outside is incomprehensible, reading your stories has helped me understand a little bit more. Thank you all, and Tommy you're incredible - really hope things get easier for you, hope you all can find some peace and happiness away from this horrible disease x x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you all for sharing your stories. Sat her weeping. Hate that anyone so young is going through such an incredibly hard thing. And I hope that gradually over time you manage to combat those demons, you’re the bravest people.

    I saw anorexia from the outside and it was terrifying. My best friend was always a gorgeous size, she was perfect. She is still the most beautiful person I know. Funny, clever, a total social butterfly, everyone adores her. But there was always that niggling doubt. She excelled at school and in everything she did, it was a really competitive place to be and something changed and she cracked. Her weight loss was so fast, no one saw it coming. Began to notice she was looking a lot thinner and then one morning at breakfast she broke down because she’d seen how many calories there were in a glass of juice. Anorexia tore her apart, she was constantly tired, collapsing, her hair got really thin, she looked visibly ill. She was going to sessions at the local anorexia unit, and lots of other appointments during the week and still battling into school, but she was so weak. She was put on anti-depressants and that alongside lots of support and being terrified of what could happen meant that she gradually started to eat a little more, allow herself a few more calories. She’d still eat things that you wouldn’t think a person on a restrictive diet would have eaten but then it would hit you that that’s all she’d eaten. But when it really changed was when she went away to stay with family for a month after exams. She came back, my best friend was back. Anorexia nearly jeopardised her going to uni, we were all really unsure about it. But it’s been one of the best things for her. Think it gave her something else to control a completely fresh start; although she’s still on anti-depressants and attending counselling sessions every week. However she still has those spirals of self doubt and loathing and then becoming restrictive and losing weight again. It really scares her that she’ll have this for the rest of her life, that there will always be those feelings despite lying dormant until something triggers it again.

    From the outside it was the most terrifying thing. Thought I was going to lose her. But we stayed so close throughout. Early on I decided not to let it affect the way I was around her. Didn’t want to be like the others, but was constantly watching what I said, still do. Don’t want to say anything that makes her hurt more. Find myself protecting her from things, queuing for the checkout at boots and there were all the celebrity magazines with stories of weight loss and celebrities with anorexia and I didn’t want her to see. Still remember so vividly waking up in the morning and watching her looking in the mirror tearing at the skin on her stomach and arms crying. What really got me was seeing her hands; they looked so tiny and thin, all her jewellery was too big. Now when I see her hands it reminds me how far she’s come. It was a really scary place to be, watching someone that I love SO much trying to destroy herself and not being able to do anything. But apparently just being there, and being a constant and being normal was enough. Whilst it sounds really selfish, at the start I found myself blaming things I’d done for her anorexia; we always said we’d feel lots happier during the summer once when we’d lost a bit of weight. But that wasn't going to get us anywhere. She's been through so much and whilst it was hard, pleased she let me in. Although there are some things I know she'll never talk about, doesn't go into the control aspect of it all as much. It's a whole different mentality that sometimes from the outside is incomprehensible, reading your stories has helped me understand a little bit more. Thank you all, and Tommy you're incredible - really hope things get easier for you, hope you all can find some peace and happiness away from this horrible disease x x

    This actually had me tearing up a little bit. To hear the story from the person on the outside, to see a person being destroyed when they themselves see nothing but imperfections in a completely false way, to view a person self-destructing outwith their own control, compelled to do things they KNOW is killing them but they cannot stop.

    I absolutely, from the bottom of my heart, appreciate this sentiment you extended to me and my fellow sufferers on here, and just want you to know that to stick by your friend in their darkest hour, you are an absolute angel.

    It seems like if all people were so tolerant, understanding and supportive, such illnesses would not exist.

    All my love. XXX
    • #7
    #7

    so so glad to hear you managed to stay out of hospital toto. xxx
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    Lauren, post more often. Especially if you have a moment of anxiety. I'm sure there will be someone around to offer you advice or even just some moral support to get through the tough times. xx
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you all for sharing your stories. Sat her weeping. Hate that anyone so young is going through such an incredibly hard thing. And I hope that gradually over time you manage to combat those demons, you’re the bravest people.

    I saw anorexia from the outside and it was terrifying. My best friend was always a gorgeous size, she was perfect. She is still the most beautiful person I know. Funny, clever, a total social butterfly, everyone adores her. But there was always that niggling doubt. She excelled at school and in everything she did, it was a really competitive place to be and something changed and she cracked. Her weight loss was so fast, no one saw it coming. Began to notice she was looking a lot thinner and then one morning at breakfast she broke down because she’d seen how many calories there were in a glass of juice. Anorexia tore her apart, she was constantly tired, collapsing, her hair got really thin, she looked visibly ill. She was going to sessions at the local anorexia unit, and lots of other appointments during the week and still battling into school, but she was so weak. She was put on anti-depressants and that alongside lots of support and being terrified of what could happen meant that she gradually started to eat a little more, allow herself a few more calories. She’d still eat things that you wouldn’t think a person on a restrictive diet would have eaten but then it would hit you that that’s all she’d eaten. But when it really changed was when she went away to stay with family for a month after exams. She came back, my best friend was back. Anorexia nearly jeopardised her going to uni, we were all really unsure about it. But it’s been one of the best things for her. Think it gave her something else to control a completely fresh start; although she’s still on anti-depressants and attending counselling sessions every week. However she still has those spirals of self doubt and loathing and then becoming restrictive and losing weight again. It really scares her that she’ll have this for the rest of her life, that there will always be those feelings despite lying dormant until something triggers it again.

    From the outside it was the most terrifying thing. Thought I was going to lose her. But we stayed so close throughout. Early on I decided not to let it affect the way I was around her. Didn’t want to be like the others, but was constantly watching what I said, still do. Don’t want to say anything that makes her hurt more. Find myself protecting her from things, queuing for the checkout at boots and there were all the celebrity magazines with stories of weight loss and celebrities with anorexia and I didn’t want her to see. Still remember so vividly waking up in the morning and watching her looking in the mirror tearing at the skin on her stomach and arms crying. What really got me was seeing her hands; they looked so tiny and thin, all her jewellery was too big. Now when I see her hands it reminds me how far she’s come. It was a really scary place to be, watching someone that I love SO much trying to destroy herself and not being able to do anything. But apparently just being there, and being a constant and being normal was enough. Whilst it sounds really selfish, at the start I found myself blaming things I’d done for her anorexia; we always said we’d feel lots happier during the summer once when we’d lost a bit of weight. But that wasn't going to get us anywhere. She's been through so much and whilst it was hard, pleased she let me in. Although there are some things I know she'll never talk about, doesn't go into the control aspect of it all as much. It's a whole different mentality that sometimes from the outside is incomprehensible, reading your stories has helped me understand a little bit more. Thank you all, and Tommy you're incredible - really hope things get easier for you, hope you all can find some peace and happiness away from this horrible disease x x
    This is making me tear up. You're an amazing friend. :hugs:
    :cry:
    This is giving me a bit of perspective on what my parents and sister were/are thinking. I remember my sister screaming at me and calling me selfish and telling me that if I wanted to starve myself and die then I could but she wouldn't be at my funeral. I don't think I'll forget my dad saying that he was going to take my university money and plan my funeral. I didn't think I was anywhere near dying, to be honest, I still don't think I was. I'm still convinced the doctors were lying and were trying to ruin my life because they thought it would be entertaining. Of course, that isn't the case. It was anorexia ruining my life and my family didn't hate me, they were just scared.

    But I think it's impacted my relationship with them because I can't tell them when I'm struggling, I lie to them about my weigh-ins just because I can't stand the thought of them screaming at me. I'm lying to them, they know I'm lying to them but I can't tell them the truth. I get comments from my mum saying how 'disgusting' I look and how I need to put on weight, my sister will say that she can't stand looking at me and then, later my mum will comment on my (healthy) sister's weight and imply she needs to lose weight. I don't understand how they can't see what I can see and they don't understand why I see something different to them.

    I can't trust them to love me unconditionally when they seem so quick to give up on me, especially now. My three best friends were sort of like you when they found out when I was in hospital. They were amazing and they reminded me that I had people who remembered what I was like before and had faith in me. Not even the support of my friends made me better so don't blame yourself.
    But I'm going to school, my weight is relatively high and to all intents and purposes, I'm functional. Except I'm crying all the time and screaming when my well intentioned mother tries to make me something to eat and my mind is all over the place and I'm paranoid and depressed and my body keeps messing me around and my first and last thought of the day is of food and I sort of miss weight gain because even though it was one of the most uncomfortable feelings I've ever felt, at least then I was allowed to eat and I knew I was going to have to gain weight. Right now, I'm not at a critical weight but I'm not healthy either and I feel so confused. Nobody would know I was ill (which is a good thing), so do I even still need treatment? And I need to revise for my exams and do amazingly in them so I can go to uni and hopefully do better there. It's so so so hard, especially when I know I'm a horrible person to be around and I never used to be like this.

    It's no wonder people on the outside can't understand when it's really hard to understand for the sufferer too. EDs are so irrational. I can't talk about it with my friends, it's the elephant in the room. They allude to it, they ask me if I'm ok and I say yes even when I mean no. Not because I don't love or trust them but because I do. I can't upset them by letting them know what's going on in my head. I don't even know what's going on in my head half of the time. All I know is, I want it to stop. And I've tried so hard and it still doesn't stop.

    But good support is the most helpful thing in the world. You're a lovely person.
    • #15
    #15

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    This actually had me tearing up a little bit. To hear the story from the person on the outside, to see a person being destroyed when they themselves see nothing but imperfections in a completely false way, to view a person self-destructing outwith their own control, compelled to do things they KNOW is killing them but they cannot stop.

    I absolutely, from the bottom of my heart, appreciate this sentiment you extended to me and my fellow sufferers on here, and just want you to know that to stick by your friend in their darkest hour, you are an absolute angel.

    It seems like if all people were so tolerant, understanding and supportive, such illnesses would not exist.

    All my love. XXX

    (Original post by laurenl93)
    You sound just like my best friend, had me all teary

    I've had an atrocious fri, sat, sun and monday. failed every single day and i'm gutted because i was hoping i could make myself feel confident about recovering for prom this friday :'( but now ive just kinda ruined it

    The problem is i eat nothign during the day, then eat some tea and then im sick and its just appaling. Someone in my clas today asked "omg have you been punching walls your knuckles look raw!". sigh.

    But i will take control. But a good control. i hope :/


    Im still on thge waiting list to see a psychologit/psychiatrist but worried i wont see one befor emy exams
    This thread is so helpful for support. love you all.

    (Original post by diamonddust)
    This is making me tear up. You're an amazing friend. :hugs:
    :cry:
    This is giving me a bit of perspective on what my parents and sister were/are thinking. I remember my sister screaming at me and calling me selfish and telling me that if I wanted to starve myself and die then I could but she wouldn't be at my funeral. I don't think I'll forget my dad saying that he was going to take my university money and plan my funeral. I didn't think I was anywhere near dying, to be honest, I still don't think I was. I'm still convinced the doctors were lying and were trying to ruin my life because they thought it would be entertaining. Of course, that isn't the case. It was anorexia ruining my life and my family didn't hate me, they were just scared.

    But I think it's impacted my relationship with them because I can't tell them when I'm struggling, I lie to them about my weigh-ins just because I can't stand the thought of them screaming at me. I'm lying to them, they know I'm lying to them but I can't tell them the truth. I get comments from my mum saying how 'disgusting' I look and how I need to put on weight, my sister will say that she can't stand looking at me and then, later my mum will comment on my (healthy) sister's weight and imply she needs to lose weight. I don't understand how they can't see what I can see and they don't understand why I see something different to them.

    I can't trust them to love me unconditionally when they seem so quick to give up on me, especially now. My three best friends were sort of like you when they found out when I was in hospital. They were amazing and they reminded me that I had people who remembered what I was like before and had faith in me. Not even the support of my friends made me better so don't blame yourself.
    But I'm going to school, my weight is relatively high and to all intents and purposes, I'm functional. Except I'm crying all the time and screaming when my well intentioned mother tries to make me something to eat and my mind is all over the place and I'm paranoid and depressed and my body keeps messing me around and my first and last thought of the day is of food and I sort of miss weight gain because even though it was one of the most uncomfortable feelings I've ever felt, at least then I was allowed to eat and I knew I was going to have to gain weight. Right now, I'm not at a critical weight but I'm not healthy either and I feel so confused. Nobody would know I was ill (which is a good thing), so do I even still need treatment? And I need to revise for my exams and do amazingly in them so I can go to uni and hopefully do better there. It's so so so hard, especially when I know I'm a horrible person to be around and I never used to be like this.

    It's no wonder people on the outside can't understand when it's really hard to understand for the sufferer too. EDs are so irrational. I can't talk about it with my friends, it's the elephant in the room. They allude to it, they ask me if I'm ok and I say yes even when I mean no. Not because I don't love or trust them but because I do. I can't upset them by letting them know what's going on in my head. I don't even know what's going on in my head half of the time. All I know is, I want it to stop. And I've tried so hard and it still doesn't stop.

    But good support is the most helpful thing in the world. You're a lovely person.
    Hey y’all, just me again…

    I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum, always struggled with my weight being too high and comfort eating when I was going through rough patches. Not only did this all change my perception about what was important to me, I’ve always been the sort of girl who thought I’d be lots happier when I’ve lost some weight but they are definitely not intrinsically linked, I’ll lose weight but only because I want to be healthier and try my very hardest not to become obsessive about it. There is more to life and nearly losing someone I love so much made me realise how precious life is. I was so naïve about it all; despite really not being a spiteful person I though anorexia was an easy way out. But seeing my best friend going through such hell and now reading your stories has given me a completely different perspective. It’s not something I’d wish on anyone.

    My 13 year old sister started losing weight about 6 months ago and that was seriously scary. With my best friend there was at least that degree of separation, I knew that she was being looked after when I wasn’t around, she was also that bit older so let me in. I think my sisters weight loss and restriction affected me differently I was so angry with her; like she knew the consequences, she’s heard me talking about it and I thought she was being incredibly selfish and doing it to get at me. A completely nuts thing to admit. She’d get angry at me because she didn’t know who else to get angry at. Once she screamed ‘maybe if you weren’t so fat I wouldn’t have to do this, I don’t want to be like you’. I now realise that wasn’t her really talking that was the condition that was beginning to take over. It made family life unbearable; so many things have changed since my sister started slipping but thankfully she seems to be pulling through. I don’t think it was anorexia as such, and wouldn’t want to label it, because that makes it even more real. Don’t know if that’s a common thing, but when my friend was ill and told me she had anorexia my immediate response was ‘but that’s just a name for it’ I didn’t want to admit there was something properly wrong. Complete denial about it. But now I realise that getting a diagnosis and a name for this thing that was consuming her was so vital in her coming to terms with it and not blaming herself so much.

    Diamonddust, I cried reading that. I don’t like how different my responses to my sister and best friend’s conditions were even though I love them both. Home life is generally like a pressure cooker but when that final thing is added things get said that aren’t meant, its frustration. Your family love you so much and from their perspective it must be very hard to try and comprehend how anyone so beautiful (and I know you won’t believe me when I say it, but you are… I can tell, you write beautifully and come over and a genuinely lovely and compassionate person) and perfect could want to self destruct, how life could be so bad that it doesn’t seem worth enjoying any longer and it’s very easy to, as onlookers, blame yourself. This is such a destructive disease; it tears apart even the closest relationships. And whilst it isn’t your fault, none of this is, you are in control of your destiny. You have the potential to do anything you want and you’ve been so brave, it must be so hard to let people in for fear of hurting them but hope you have someone to confide in when things get hard. This forum seems fab, can meet people who’ve been suffering and talk about it in a more positive light, life afterwards.

    You all sound like my friend, it’s scary actually… It’s a different way of talking about things, and I don’t mean this to sound awful but some things do come across as being selfish, BUT (hear me out here guys!) I know this isn’t you. Really you’re level headed individuals and probably lovely ones at that and you do see the effects and also there is such a huge amount of compassion and care shown through your messages. People with anorexia seem to become a lot more clued up and mature, you’ve seen the hardest things, you’ve all been through so much and there should be a greater deal of understanding about this. But when people are so wound up in that cycle of restriction and self loathing they become very inward looking. I remember my friend saying awful things about the doctors and her family and their motives but that’s because she was so sick. This isn’t the vain disease as portrayed by the media etc…We must remember that anorexia and bulimia and in fact binge eating are forms of mental illness and whilst that’s a horrible thing to admit you can seize back control, this isn’t your fault at all. I hope you’re all getting the support you need to do this; it’s not something you have to go through alone any more. I don’t want to say that times are changing and there is more understand because I don’t think it is the case. Officially it’s become less of a taboo and there is a general knowledge about the physical effects etc but it isn’t talked about openly, should it be? Don’t know what the general feeling is. There should be a lot more support; you should all have access not to only to acute admission when things are getting dangerous but from the start, stop having such a huge drop and tackle not only the weight but all the sociopsychological aspects of it. I firmly believe that not enough importance is given to it. Multidisciplinary teams were what got my best friend better again, but this isn’t just being forced to go to see counsellors and dieticians, not just treating the symptoms but you and your wellbeing in general. Should education begin a lot earlier, it’s becoming a problem seen by younger people, should schools be leading the way, there needs to be a change in the way we are young people perceive ourselves, but this is a whole different matter entirely. Don't know if anyones looked into cognitive behavioural therapy but I've always thought it seemed a good idea to roll that out in schools, my friend had it, and it works on improving the way you think about yourself and increases self importance and that feeling of destiny, how the things you do affect how you this, it focuses on the hear and now, looking forward to the future and not the past. Its worked wonders for people I know who've had anxiety and depression but isn't very accessible at the moment, but definitely thing it could be adapted and fed into schools, think it would have an impact if targetted correctly. Our views of ourselves are so destructive, we never let ourselves believe we are good enough and it's crazy because we are!! I wrote my sister a little book of quotes and things I'd found which hoped would help when she wouldn't let me in, I'll try and steal it back for a second later on. But for now, I'm rambling and should get on with some work, study leave and all...

    Thinking of you all, lots of love x x x
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey y’all, just me again…

    I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum, always struggled with my weight being too high and comfort eating when I was going through rough patches. Not only did this all change my perception about what was important to me, I’ve always been the sort of girl who thought I’d be lots happier when I’ve lost some weight but they are definitely not intrinsically linked, I’ll lose weight but only because I want to be healthier and try my very hardest not to become obsessive about it. There is more to life and nearly losing someone I love so much made me realise how precious life is. I was so naïve about it all; despite really not being a spiteful person I though anorexia was an easy way out. But seeing my best friend going through such hell and now reading your stories has given me a completely different perspective. It’s not something I’d wish on anyone.

    My 13 year old sister started losing weight about 6 months ago and that was seriously scary. With my best friend there was at least that degree of separation, I knew that she was being looked after when I wasn’t around, she was also that bit older so let me in. I think my sisters weight loss and restriction affected me differently I was so angry with her; like she knew the consequences, she’s heard me talking about it and I thought she was being incredibly selfish and doing it to get at me. A completely nuts thing to admit. She’d get angry at me because she didn’t know who else to get angry at. Once she screamed ‘maybe if you weren’t so fat I wouldn’t have to do this, I don’t want to be like you’. I now realise that wasn’t her really talking that was the condition that was beginning to take over. It made family life unbearable; so many things have changed since my sister started slipping but thankfully she seems to be pulling through. I don’t think it was anorexia as such, and wouldn’t want to label it, because that makes it even more real. Don’t know if that’s a common thing, but when my friend was ill and told me she had anorexia my immediate response was ‘but that’s just a name for it’ I didn’t want to admit there was something properly wrong. Complete denial about it. But now I realise that getting a diagnosis and a name for this thing that was consuming her was so vital in her coming to terms with it and not blaming herself so much.

    Diamonddust, I cried reading that. I don’t like how different my responses to my sister and best friend’s conditions were even though I love them both. Home life is generally like a pressure cooker but when that final thing is added things get said that aren’t meant, its frustration. Your family love you so much and from their perspective it must be very hard to try and comprehend how anyone so beautiful (and I know you won’t believe me when I say it, but you are… I can tell, you write beautifully and come over and a genuinely lovely and compassionate person) and perfect could want to self destruct, how life could be so bad that it doesn’t seem worth enjoying any longer and it’s very easy to, as onlookers, blame yourself. This is such a destructive disease; it tears apart even the closest relationships. And whilst it isn’t your fault, none of this is, you are in control of your destiny. You have the potential to do anything you want and you’ve been so brave, it must be so hard to let people in for fear of hurting them but hope you have someone to confide in when things get hard. This forum seems fab, can meet people who’ve been suffering and talk about it in a more positive light, life afterwards.

    You all sound like my friend, it’s scary actually… It’s a different way of talking about things, and I don’t mean this to sound awful but some things do come across as being selfish, BUT (hear me out here guys!) I know this isn’t you. Really you’re level headed individuals and probably lovely ones at that and you do see the effects and also there is such a huge amount of compassion and care shown through your messages. People with anorexia seem to become a lot more clued up and mature, you’ve seen the hardest things, you’ve all been through so much and there should be a greater deal of understanding about this. But when people are so wound up in that cycle of restriction and self loathing they become very inward looking. I remember my friend saying awful things about the doctors and her family and their motives but that’s because she was so sick. This isn’t the vain disease as portrayed by the media etc…We must remember that anorexia and bulimia and in fact binge eating are forms of mental illness and whilst that’s a horrible thing to admit you can seize back control, this isn’t your fault at all. I hope you’re all getting the support you need to do this; it’s not something you have to go through alone any more. I don’t want to say that times are changing and there is more understand because I don’t think it is the case. Officially it’s become less of a taboo and there is a general knowledge about the physical effects etc but it isn’t talked about openly, should it be? Don’t know what the general feeling is. There should be a lot more support; you should all have access not to only to acute admission when things are getting dangerous but from the start, stop having such a huge drop and tackle not only the weight but all the sociopsychological aspects of it. I firmly believe that not enough importance is given to it. Multidisciplinary teams were what got my best friend better again, but this isn’t just being forced to go to see counsellors and dieticians, not just treating the symptoms but you and your wellbeing in general. Should education begin a lot earlier, it’s becoming a problem seen by younger people, should schools be leading the way, there needs to be a change in the way we are young people perceive ourselves, but this is a whole different matter entirely. Don't know if anyones looked into cognitive behavioural therapy but I've always thought it seemed a good idea to roll that out in schools, my friend had it, and it works on improving the way you think about yourself and increases self importance and that feeling of destiny, how the things you do affect how you this, it focuses on the hear and now, looking forward to the future and not the past. Its worked wonders for people I know who've had anxiety and depression but isn't very accessible at the moment, but definitely thing it could be adapted and fed into schools, think it would have an impact if targetted correctly. Our views of ourselves are so destructive, we never let ourselves believe we are good enough and it's crazy because we are!! I wrote my sister a little book of quotes and things I'd found which hoped would help when she wouldn't let me in, I'll try and steal it back for a second later on. But for now, I'm rambling and should get on with some work, study leave and all...

    Thinking of you all, lots of love x x x
    I don't know what to say except :hugs: You're just wonderful. Your insight is amazing and I just want to hug you and thank you for being so amazing even though I don't actually know you. :jumphug: I'm sorry my post made you cry. :sad:
    I'm just in awe that people like you exist. I mean my friends are wonderful but I hardly see them and my friends who *get* it, either have anorexia or bullima themselves or have other mental illnesses.
    I'm so glad for this thread and the people on it! Just knowing someone is around to read your venting and isn't going to judge you means so much, though I do wonder in the back of my mind how many people browse through this thread without commenting.
    Yeah, I've got to get some work done too. You're so lucky you get study leave! My school makes us go in until the exams are over. *sigh* I'd get more work done at home, I think. I'm sort of exhausted right now. Aw well...*goes to revise*

    Good luck with the work/upcoming exams! And thank you! :hugs:
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    (Original post by laurenl93)
    You sound just like my best friend, had me all teary

    I've had an atrocious fri, sat, sun and monday. failed every single day and i'm gutted because i was hoping i could make myself feel confident about recovering for prom this friday :'( but now ive just kinda ruined it

    The problem is i eat nothign during the day, then eat some tea and then im sick and its just appaling. Someone in my clas today asked "omg have you been punching walls your knuckles look raw!". sigh.

    But i will take control. But a good control. i hope :/


    Im still on thge waiting list to see a psychologit/psychiatrist but worried i wont see one befor emy exams
    This thread is so helpful for support. love you all.
    Hate to sound like a therapist but that's the epitome of black and white thinking. You haven't failed and you haven't ruined everything. Ok, there might not be as many successes as you were hoping but you tried and even that tea was something. Not that I'm condoning only having tea, I'm not.
    This isn't a matter of failing or passing because it's not an exam. You still have a few days until Friday. Make them count! :hugs: You can do it! You have my sympathy on the lack-of-psych issue. I told mine I didn't want to see her until exams are over because she makes me more stressed! Is it me or do exams make life a million times more stressful and make ED stuff flare up even more strongly?

    :hugs: to you my lovely! Hope the next few days go better for you.

    I have some random brain stuff to spill/ask:

    Why do I feel like smoking? I don't even smoke! I've had puffs about 3 times and I didn't like it but I really really really want a cigarette right now. :rolleyes:

    I'm really not hungry but I'm tired and if I don't eat something I'm going to fall asleep and then I won't get my work done. Not getting my work done ISN'T an option but I'm scared to eat. It sounds weird but chocolate is one of my safe foods (it doesn't make me full) and I'm really craving it but I'm even terrified to eat that. I can 'afford' to eat but... I can't do it. I'm just so scared I'm going to eat too much and then I'll feel full and then I'll want to compensate and then I'll be too miserable to revise anyway. **** it. I need to eat. :sigh: How do you deal with eating when you're stressed and not really hungry?

    I need a summer job. I'll need to work towards getting well enough to hold one down because I need to have a holiday and get away from everything.
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    I've never cried so much at a computer screen. All of you who have shared your life and your struggles, I have so much respect for your bravery to do so. And all of you who are on a road to recovery, I send all my love and best wishes and can only say with my hand on my heart that I hope you are successful in finding your beautiful selves again.

    I was always the loudest, proudest, most confident teenager. Or so I appeared on the surface. As others have mentioned, I did tend to try very hard in all that I set myself goal-wise, achieved high grades and so on. I was always overweight since I can remember and as I hit 14/15 I stupidly began drinking (My parents are alcoholics and it was always easily accessible, not that I'm placing the blame on them) And with this, I saw weight gain. Each year I seemed to get heavier and heavier. I don't remember caring up until Year 11 when I wanted to go to my prom, I thought about how all my friends would look so beautiful in their dresses and just felt I'd look hideous. I didn't feel feminine or pretty or worthy of a dress, so I didn't go. I sat at home and looked at myself and decided I was to do this no more and I was going to lose weight once and for all. I broke down and cried for the first time I had in about 3 years and so it began.

    I weighed around 11.5/12 stone at the start, and am around 5'6. I was never a compulsive weigher, just more fixated on numbers. It didn't matter what I ate aslong as it was on or under the calorie allowance I'd given myself that day. Additionally, I'd exercise whenever I could. Anything that supposedly helps to lose weight, I'd do it. Slowly but surely I started to change. Not only physically but mentally. I isolated myself, lost my zest, lost friends..but I didn't care at the time, because I'd lost weight. People would compliment me at first, ask me how I was doing so well so fast, I didn't think I was ill. I still saw myself as fat, in fact, I still do some days. When I started fainting and the periods stopped, my mum kind of started to be concerned. However, she didn't contact a GP as she was worried it'd reflect badly upon her and her alcoholism. She blamed herself. It was only when my dad interjected I was finally taken. I refused to be weighed at first, I'd become scared of the scales. I'd convinced myself I was putting weight on and didn't want to upset myself that I wasn't skinny enough, I expected to see 13, 14, 15 stones. When I eventually did, I was 46kg. I was referred for CBT and so it began, I continued losing at this point and got down to 40kg. I am now at 41kg and have been so for a few months. I managed to stop the decrease, which is a start.

    I've opened up about it a lot more, and I'm no longer in denial that I am ill. I no longer see deathly-skinny as beautiful. I no longer have a warped view that being skinny will make my mum love me and it'll make me happy. I was always famed for being "emotionless" but I realise now this is not the case at all. By working on my emotions, I am working on beating and breaking free from this illness. I still have to count calories but next week I'm going for a meal with my therapist, with my first non-calorie counted meal in just under 2 years. I'm scared but excited at the same time. I'm determined, and now have more inspiration because of all I've read on this thread.

    I'm currently in CBT, and I have been so for about a year now. For a fairly long period of that time I was still completely controlled by the illness and I would lie, attend, make promises, say I felt better..and make no changes whatsoever. It kept family off my back a little more and I thought I was winning. But I was losing, not only in weight but in the fight against a very vicious, evil and consuming illness. A few months ago my therapist changed and the replacement was a lot stricter and a lot harder to fool and it was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I finally admitted to myself that I needed AND wanted to get better. Although I haven't seen a massive weight increase as of yet, I am slowly but surely working on my relationship with not only my own emotions but also with food. My goals are no longer a certain weight or a certain size, but for happiness and life events. I want to LIVE again.

    I'm sorry I rambled on..I didn't really intend to but it's not something you can really sum up in brief. Thank you to anyone who has taken time to read this. And good luck & keep on keeping on to all those in recovery. X
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    Oh God, I have never had such a tough time reading forum posts. Everything rings so true here and it's like everything you're all saying is just... echoes from my own experience. The compulsions, the lies; the frustration for me comes from the fact I lie to MYSELF. I go on autopilot and I choose the salad, not the sandwich, at Subway. Then I "wake up" and say "why did you do that? You were told you need to GAIN weight!" - then I make the excuse "It's just habit."

    When in reality I was just doing the "I'll start my recovery tomorrow" lie; you know, because the "tomorrow" in question never actually comes.

    Melissa, one of the most positive things I've done is, because my anorexia is self-competitive and the result of over-achievement, my compulsions stem from "bettering" what I did yesterday. Before, this was eating one, ten, one hundred less calories than yesterday. Do fifty more situps. This would effectively mean I beat my "yesterday me". When in reality, my body was being destroyed.

    A 26-year old 5'7 man should not weigh 92-94lb.

    I still only weigh 95lb but I'm proud of my gain. And the reason why is because I turned my evil competitive streak into my greatest asset - I now try to "beat" what I did yesterday by eating 10, 20, 100 more calories than yesterday - whatever I feel I can accomplish without too much anxiety - and fortunately (although not so much for my cabin-fever self) I have been forced by doctors to do no more than 15 minutes worth of walking-level exercise a day to maximise weight gain and minimise calorie burn.

    What I mean is, take the problem - the super-calorie-counting - and turn it into your greatest weapon against the illness.

    You've spent all this time learning absolutely every single thing about everything that you consume, so now use that information in a way that benefits your body!
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    I've never cried so much at a computer screen. All of you who have shared your life and your struggles, I have so much respect for your bravery to do so. And all of you who are on a road to recovery, I send all my love and best wishes and can only say with my hand on my heart that I hope you are successful in finding your beautiful selves again.

    I was always the loudest, proudest, most confident teenager. Or so I appeared on the surface. As others have mentioned, I did tend to try very hard in all that I set myself goal-wise, achieved high grades and so on. I was always overweight since I can remember and as I hit 14/15 I stupidly began drinking (My parents are alcoholics and it was always easily accessible, not that I'm placing the blame on them) And with this, I saw weight gain. Each year I seemed to get heavier and heavier. I don't remember caring up until Year 11 when I wanted to go to my prom, I thought about how all my friends would look so beautiful in their dresses and just felt I'd look hideous. I didn't feel feminine or pretty or worthy of a dress, so I didn't go. I sat at home and looked at myself and decided I was to do this no more and I was going to lose weight once and for all. I broke down and cried for the first time I had in about 3 years and so it began.

    I weighed around 11.5/12 stone at the start, and am around 5'6. I was never a compulsive weigher, just more fixated on numbers. It didn't matter what I ate aslong as it was on or under the calorie allowance I'd given myself that day. Additionally, I'd exercise whenever I could. Anything that supposedly helps to lose weight, I'd do it. Slowly but surely I started to change. Not only physically but mentally. I isolated myself, lost my zest, lost friends..but I didn't care at the time, because I'd lost weight. People would compliment me at first, ask me how I was doing so well so fast, I didn't think I was ill. I still saw myself as fat, in fact, I still do some days. When I started fainting and the periods stopped, my mum kind of started to be concerned. However, she didn't contact a GP as she was worried it'd reflect badly upon her and her alcoholism. She blamed herself. It was only when my dad interjected I was finally taken. I refused to be weighed at first, I'd become scared of the scales. I'd convinced myself I was putting weight on and didn't want to upset myself that I wasn't skinny enough, I expected to see 13, 14, 15 stones. When I eventually did, I was 46kg. I was referred for CBT and so it began, I continued losing at this point and got down to 40kg. I am now at 41kg and have been so for a few months. I managed to stop the decrease, which is a start.

    I've opened up about it a lot more, and I'm no longer in denial that I am ill. I no longer see deathly-skinny as beautiful. I no longer have a warped view that being skinny will make my mum love me and it'll make me happy. I was always famed for being "emotionless" but I realise now this is not the case at all. By working on my emotions, I am working on beating and breaking free from this illness. I still have to count calories but next week I'm going for a meal with my therapist, with my first non-calorie counted meal in just under 2 years. I'm scared but excited at the same time. I'm determined, and now have more inspiration because of all I've read on this thread.

    I'm currently in CBT, and I have been so for about a year now. For a fairly long period of that time I was still completely controlled by the illness and I would lie, attend, make promises, say I felt better..and make no changes whatsoever. It kept family off my back a little more and I thought I was winning. But I was losing, not only in weight but in the fight against a very vicious, evil and consuming illness. A few months ago my therapist changed and the replacement was a lot stricter and a lot harder to fool and it was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I finally admitted to myself that I needed AND wanted to get better. Although I haven't seen a massive weight increase as of yet, I am slowly but surely working on my relationship with not only my own emotions but also with food. My goals are no longer a certain weight or a certain size, but for happiness and life events. I want to LIVE again.

    I'm sorry I rambled on..I didn't really intend to but it's not something you can really sum up in brief. Thank you to anyone who has taken time to read this. And good luck & keep on keeping on to all those in recovery. X
    :hugs: This is me --> :cry:
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Oh God, I have never had such a tough time reading forum posts. Everything rings so true here and it's like everything you're all saying is just... echoes from my own experience. The compulsions, the lies; the frustration for me comes from the fact I lie to MYSELF. I go on autopilot and I choose the salad, not the sandwich, at Subway. Then I "wake up" and say "why did you do that? You were told you need to GAIN weight!" - then I make the excuse "It's just habit."

    When in reality I was just doing the "I'll start my recovery tomorrow" lie; you know, because the "tomorrow" in question never actually comes.

    Melissa, one of the most positive things I've done is, because my anorexia is self-competitive and the result of over-achievement, my compulsions stem from "bettering" what I did yesterday. Before, this was eating one, ten, one hundred less calories than yesterday. Do fifty more situps. This would effectively mean I beat my "yesterday me". When in reality, my body was being destroyed.

    A 26-year old 5'7 man should not weigh 92-94lb.

    I still only weigh 95lb but I'm proud of my gain. And the reason why is because I turned my evil competitive streak into my greatest asset - I now try to "beat" what I did yesterday by eating 10, 20, 100 more calories than yesterday - whatever I feel I can accomplish without too much anxiety - and fortunately (although not so much for my cabin-fever self) I have been forced by doctors to do no more than 15 minutes worth of walking-level exercise a day to maximise weight gain and minimise calorie burn.

    What I mean is, take the problem - the super-calorie-counting - and turn it into your greatest weapon against the illness.

    You've spent all this time learning absolutely every single thing about everything that you consume, so now use that information in a way that benefits your body!
    What you said about auto-pilot is so true. I often have moments where I'm stood frozen in my kitchen thinking, do I go low-calorie, safe, routine food or do I get on with getting on and getting better and go bold and brave and have something else, something better, something I probably really want. Somewhere inside of me I decide it's "easier" to just have what I'm used to, and I'll make the change "some other time soon". It's infuriating, I can quite happily give anyone else a royal kick up the backside if I know they need to do something to help themselves but when it comes to myself, I'm useless.

    That's such a good method with your calorie increase goals, and I think that's something I'll definitely look to adopt. I'll mention it to my therapist at our next appointment, her pushiness will probably mean once mentioned, I'll have no choice but NOT to do it. Thank god though, or else I never would!

    Your right, a man at that height should NOT way that pitiful amount. Nor a woman at that height. Nor a man at 5ft 4 or 5ft even. That is so, so little sweetie. But look at it this way, you love food, I love food (let's face it, a lot of sufferers do develop a passion and obsession for that we deprive ourselves of) and you can have SO much fun indulging in all the wonderful foods out there which exist for us to consume and gain fuel from and you can eat even more than a healthy person for a while and STILL not be fat. Let's face it, you'll NEVER be fat. I just wish you to be healthy and to stop punishing yourself, you don't need to prove yourself and your worth by constantly achieving. You're a fantastic, incredible, intelligent and inspirational man..and I can tell that EVEN through a screen.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :hugs: This is me --> :cry:
    :hugs: thank you, I've recently come to value the brilliance and significance of a good old hug! X
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Oh God, I have never had such a tough time reading forum posts. Everything rings so true here and it's like everything you're all saying is just... echoes from my own experience. The compulsions, the lies; the frustration for me comes from the fact I lie to MYSELF. I go on autopilot and I choose the salad, not the sandwich, at Subway. Then I "wake up" and say "why did you do that? You were told you need to GAIN weight!" - then I make the excuse "It's just habit."

    When in reality I was just doing the "I'll start my recovery tomorrow" lie; you know, because the "tomorrow" in question never actually comes.

    Melissa, one of the most positive things I've done is, because my anorexia is self-competitive and the result of over-achievement, my compulsions stem from "bettering" what I did yesterday. Before, this was eating one, ten, one hundred less calories than yesterday. Do fifty more situps. This would effectively mean I beat my "yesterday me". When in reality, my body was being destroyed.

    A 26-year old 5'7 man should not weigh 92-94lb.

    I still only weigh 95lb but I'm proud of my gain. And the reason why is because I turned my evil competitive streak into my greatest asset - I now try to "beat" what I did yesterday by eating 10, 20, 100 more calories than yesterday - whatever I feel I can accomplish without too much anxiety - and fortunately (although not so much for my cabin-fever self) I have been forced by doctors to do no more than 15 minutes worth of walking-level exercise a day to maximise weight gain and minimise calorie burn.

    What I mean is, take the problem - the super-calorie-counting - and turn it into your greatest weapon against the illness.

    You've spent all this time learning absolutely every single thing about everything that you consume, so now use that information in a way that benefits your body!
    That's a really good way of looking at it! I rarely *count* calories (they flash up in my head though)... I have an upper limit but when I'm over it (like I am now) I refuse to count because it freaks me out too much. I think my *thing* is fullness. Feeling full is the most terrifying thing in the world to me, and feeling full AND being over my calorie limit? I'm like this --> :afraid: :cry: :mad: :eek3:
    I could eat a 1000 calorie chocolate bar or something (not that I would, but I probably could if I compensated like a mofo) as long as it didn't make me full. I've never been able to eat salads and I'm still scared of things like apples.

    Everyone's been brave enough to share their stories and I've just popped up on here really so I guess I should say mine.

    This is really REALLY long so sorry...

    My parents got divorced when I was about 7 and I was happy because it meant they stopped arguing. My mum didn't really like me being ok with it and told me my dad hated me and left because he didn't want a daughter and that he had a new family now and had forgotten all about me and it messed with my head. It was around that time I remember throwing away all my packed lunches and taking hours to eat and my mum had to force feed me my breakfasts in the morning and I threw up. I don't know why. I just didn't want to eat. I hated food and didn't want it inside of me because I didn't deserve it because my own parents hated me. I ate just enough to not draw attention to myself as I got older. I was always really underweight and my mum spent hours detailing how disgusting I looked and telling me how I needed to put on weight and detailing every last thing that was wrong with me, which obviously effected my self esteem but despite that, I was actually really free around food. I could eat whatever I wanted if I wanted it. I was actually trying to gain weight at that point, though really, I wasn't trying very hard when I was still not eating breakfast or lunch and refused to put ice cream in the calorific powder my mum got me. Then I got to my GCSE year and I was desperate to get all A*s but I found myself getting so depressed I couldn't ignore it even though I'd ignored it for as long as possible. I was suicidal and rarely bothered getting out of bed and my sister eventually called a doctor and I got referred to CAHMS and put on meds and saw a psych. I'd managed to get functional enough to go to my exams but when I got my results they weren't what I was predicted and my self esteem got worse. I barely got into the really good college I'd been aiming for and when I got there, I found everyone was obsessed with grades and I instantly felt inferior when they asked what mine were. I felt like I was nothing in comparison to everyone else and that I didn't belong there and I'd picked the wrong subjects and so I struggled through the year barely eating but pretending I was.

    I got weighed every couple of weeks at CAHMS and they were really alarmed because I'd lost a huge amount of weight in a matter of months. I was a bit nonplussed about it all and said I liked being hungry and that I'd tried eating and I felt too guilty and it made my depression worse and I thought anorexia was the best thing in the world in the early days because I felt numb and I felt invincible and amazing and like nothing could hurt me. Later on, I knew it was killing me and making me more depressed than I'd ever been before but even then, I thought it was empowering me because at least I was bringing about my own issues and it wasn't just happening to me. The doctors spoke to my mum which resulted in her making me eat things like pizza and risotto and me crying all the way through and then dry heaving afterwards too scared to make myself sick and too scared of being sick. That's when it happened in earnest really. I got referred to ED outpatients and screamed at the dietitian when he told me to eat an apple because I couldn't even conceive eating anything. I sat in silence when I met my nurse for the first time and said something at the end of the appointment which was 'You're wasting your time, I'm fine.'
    At that point I was only drinking low calorie hot chocolate because solids didn't feel safe. I really wanted to eat but I just couldn't escape. I knew I was going to die, I think. Part of me wanted it more than anything and embraced it. I'd skip school to stay home and weigh myself. I wouldn't go anywhere in case I missed the time I'd be allowed to eat. I'd wander around in supermarkets for hours picking things up and putting them down again because they had too many calories/fat grams/sugar and then leaving with nothing. I had to take 3 hours to eat my yogurt. I HAD to go on the exercise bike for hours after I ate. I'd wear my jacket inside the house standing by the radiator because I was so cold. When I did go to school, I just had my head on the desk. I had no personality and no life. The only thing I lived for was stepping on the scales and seeing the number go down because I felt like I'd die if it went up. I'd have a ritual before I went on the scales and I'd wear loads of layers when I had to go to be weighed at outpatients, even though they still realised I was losing weight. I was getting my bloods done every week and one day I had an appointment with my nurse and coursework due in at school for the next day. I went in and they told me that they'd had the results from my bloods and my liver was failing and my BMI was low, I was about 34kgs at 5"3. They told me I had to go into hospital 'voluntarily' otherwise they'd section me. I thought they were making a huge deal out of nothing and said I'd go into hospital but had to be dragged in. My friend said I was screaming that there was nothing wrong with me and that I wasn't anorexic when I was admitted.

    So fastforward 7 months. I was depressed and listless in hospital, was eating to get out so I could lose weight all over again, didn't really care about anything but getting out until the last week before my discharge. I realised I had to do something and couldn't live my life going in and out of hospital. So I emailed my old secondary school and got a place at sixth form sorted out there, even though my old college said I could go back. I basically made my new aim in life to get amazing grades at A levels and be amazing. :rolleyes: Happiness and actually living didn't really come into it. I figured, I'd just try to keep going while I was doing A levels and if it was ****, I know how to starve and I can always go back. I know that's not very good motivation for getting better but that was all I had. When I got out, it was terrifying because things were exactly the same as they'd always been but I couldn't go back to where I was because that was **** too. So I tried to eat like I had in hospital but panicked because I didn't have the same support at home, then a 'binge' (not really binging, just a normal meal) and starve cycle started. I've got out of that now but I still have urges to overexercise and I really miss how things were before. I still hate myself for eating, cry when my clothes don't fit, bodycheck, eat with a teaspoon, basically, I do all the stuff I did before except now I try and eat a bit more when I want to restrict, I'm not so underweight, not so drastically unhappy because I see *some* sort of future now and I'm not so controlled by the illness. Things aren't really great now. It's far too easy for me to forget what it was like in hospital/being so ill but I'm trying at least, and hopefully I'll get somewhere if I keep trying. I just can't help but feel so angry at the hospital. I know they were trying to help but they let me overshoot my target weight and then let me out unable to lose it and I actually think my head now is worse than it was before. I hated my CBT therapist when I was in hospital, found myself another one who I got along with but found with A levels I couldn't really engage in therapy, especially as I'm actually a really closed person in real life.

    I can't really tell my nurse (who I see on Friday) I'm not doing very well because she already knows. What can they do anyway? It's all up to me.
    Sometimes I get so scared that things won't be ok but they have to be. It's just really lonely sometimes, even with my friends who I met in hospital and my other friends. Recovery is a bit of a hard slog and it seems like the end never comes. But I guess it's better than the alternative? It has to be...

    So yeah, this isn't really a very positive story! Sorry! But I'll get there in the end because I'm damn well not going to let this stupid **** of an illness stop me from doing anything I want to do. No way!
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    Wow. Just wow. Just wanted to say well done to everyone for how far the have come - even just admitting you have an ED is so, so important. I'm writing an essay about anorexia at the moment (specifically relating to emotions and embodiment) and it has really opened my eyes to, well, everything. Good luck and hugs to EVERYONE I just hope I've done you guys justice in my essay!


    (Stories like the one's I've read on this thread are the ones that should be told to the general public tbh, so many misconceptions/mis-truths about EDs even ashamed to say I realised I had a few whilst doing my research).
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    This thread is amazing. I have read the whole thing and I never do that on TRS.

    I was in IP for bulimia in 2008. I was admitted after spending 2 weeks in intensive care because my heart was failing and I needed a blood transfusion because of serious malnourishment. I was a normal weight (which goes to show EDs can mess you up at any weight). At my worst ( the time of my hospitalisation) I was vomiting around 50 times a day. I now vomit 0 times a day and have been binge/purge free for over a year now.
    Recovery can happen. You just need to really want it and push really hard to change your behaviours and thoughts. It is so hard at first but I promise it does get easier.

    However despite my recovery I have experienced dearth from eating disorders. 2 girls who I was on the eating disorder ward with in 2008 died this year as a result of their eating disorders. They were both under the age of 30.

    Eating disorders are serious. Please everyone fight really really hard so it does not take your life too.
    • #15
    #15

    (Original post by diamonddust)
    I don't know what to say except :hugs: You're just wonderful. Your insight is amazing and I just want to hug you and thank you for being so amazing even though I don't actually know you. :jumphug: I'm sorry my post made you cry. :sad:
    I'm just in awe that people like you exist. I mean my friends are wonderful but I hardly see them and my friends who *get* it, either have anorexia or bullima themselves or have other mental illnesses.
    I'm so glad for this thread and the people on it! Just knowing someone is around to read your venting and isn't going to judge you means so much, though I do wonder in the back of my mind how many people browse through this thread without commenting.
    Yeah, I've got to get some work done too. You're so lucky you get study leave! My school makes us go in until the exams are over. *sigh* I'd get more work done at home, I think. I'm sort of exhausted right now. Aw well...*goes to revise*

    Good luck with the work/upcoming exams! And thank you! :hugs:
    Got to stop clicking back on here, sat here floods of tears. But please don’t be sorry at all. It’s good to cry sometimes, that release and it’s something that we should feel. Your post just rang so true. It brings everything up again, forces me to think about things I quite like to try and forget. I really want to jump on the train to give my best friend a huge hug (and everyone on here one too, because sometimes a hug feels like the only adequate response, so… :hugs:) It’s been really hard to not see her everyday and be able to protect her from things that might hurt her. Reading your stories makes me realise even more the hell she’s been going through. It must be such a lonely place; you’re battling to attain something that no one else wants you to achieve. Thank you for being so open, feel like an imposter showing up as anonymous on here but since I’m talking about my friend didn’t think I should post as me, just in case and plus most of this she doesn’t know, feel selfish for thinking I’m affected by it. I’m not amazing at all, just seen it first hand and so have a bit more of an understanding than some. Always wish there was something I could do to really make a difference about the perception of eating disorders and the related stigmas and misconceptions, maybe one day I’ll write this properly, sure it’s been done before but the outside perspective. I was very misinformed beforehand but not understanding and being so scared led me to researching lots, trying to puzzle it out. Desperately wanted to know what the best thing I could do was. I’d get home from school and just google all evening; reading everything I could, so many blogs and vlogs (can’t listen to Sarah McLachlan – Arms of an Angel anymore; there was a video on youtube telling the story of a girl who died from her anorexia and it was set to this song, just wanted my darling girl to be safe and not hurting any more, wanted to believe there was something more powerful out there looking after her) I just needed to know she’d get better and there was a way back from this, and there is. There are people who will look at this thread and not comment but hopefully it’s making people think a little more, maybe things will change one day. Stay strong, thinking of you. Hope you find some peace from all of this one day really soon, life if worth really living, hope you escape these horrible thoughts.

    Well officially its flexi-leave, we’re meant to go in if we think we need to, so probably should! I thought I’d focus more at home but instead I’m drinking way too much coffee and finding myself watching horrible, horrible day time television. Tomorrow is a new day. Good luck with everything, exams will be over soon and then a whole summer to relax and find yourself again, do the things you enjoy, hopefully have a proper break from all of this. Are you hoping to go to university? No, thank you :hugs: (these damn hugs are quite contagious aren’t they…) x x
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    Hi, my name is *custard (obviously not really ) and I'm 22. I'm going to university in October (Reading, to study Pharmacy ) after finally managing to complete a fulltime Access to Science course this academic year. I like pretty things, I like bold things, I like pastels and roses and lilies and Eva Cassidy and I like barbed wire and swear like a sailor (albeit with a middle-class accent) and like Marilyn Manson. . I like to be a contradiction. And I have Anorexia Nervosa (binge-purge subtype) and Borderline Personaltiy Disorder (ie I have problems with emotional regulation and self-harm ).

    I've had depression and self-harmed since I was 12, and a fullblown ED from 14 (but disordered eating - hiding food, bingeing, overeating whenever possible, occasionally purging out of anger - since I was 6.). No point going through my history. I've been diagnosed in the past AN (restrictive type), BN and my current diagnosis which I've had since 2006 and seems to be the one that 'sticks', An=P. At my heaviest I was 11st 6 (at 164cm... BMI 27.0). At my lightest, 5st 4 (at 166cm... BMI 12.2). Currently at 5st 7 at 166cm = ~12.7.

    The factors that initiated my ED are totally different to what must be I assume the maintaining factors. I know why I developed an ED blah blah but that's totally NOT relevant now. And I'm kinda stuck in therapy not really knowing WHY I feel the need, the drive, the compulsion, to be *so* thin. . At the moment, I use b/p and SI as forms of emotional regulation. I don't SI out of feelings of self-hate/punishment etc anymore, I do it to deal with intense feelings. And the same with b/p. The b/p is currently a lot more dangerous though.

    And I'm in a bad place. I spend all my money and time binge/purging. I keep nothing down. I drink too much, which is all I DO keep down. Given I've been throwing up since I was 6, so 16 years... my stomach has adapted. I can eat something that in theory I am ok enough with allowing my body to digest. Yet 2, 3 hours later, I'm panicking. Because it's sat in my stomach, not moving. My stomach doesn't WORK anymore. So I puke (I don't need to manually trigger it anymore) and I might as well not have bothered eating in the first place.

    Because my BMI is so low, if I eat anything that comes in more than one portion my 'starved' (I don't really believe that I AM, but according to literature etc I must be... ) body COMPELS me to EAT and EAT. And then obviously I puke. And if I decided to NOT puke, 3 hours time... Yeah, it's not staying that long. .

    I don't fit. Anorexics don't understand me, bulimics hate me. When I was AN-R I was fairly typical, all the control issues, unable to express needs (and therefore also hunger), blah blah... Now personality-wise I'm much more typically bulimic but I'm phyiscally an emaciated wreck - and absolutely TERRIFIED of letting go of that. But I'm perfectly ok with saying 'I'm starving, what's to eat?' - nor stating my needs in a more broad sense.

    I've avoided the medical ward tonight because my mum (who is ironically enough a consultant psych herself) fought my consultant to let me stay at home (issues with low potassium again). I have an assessment at a Fat Farm in Ealing (I live in Kidderminster - West Mids) on Monday. I asked for the help - I will not manage uni in this state, I know that... - but I am TERRIFIED.

    As TotoMimo succintly put - I eat like a Kodiac Bear preparing for hibernation (I swear that actually mae my day lol ) but I look a mess. I'll upload some pics if photobucket plays ball.
 
 
 
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