Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

squiff93
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#1261
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df everyryime i go out i see m t come in znd eat so muchm then tzke z lozd of pills, i don't qquite now if this is nowrmal or notm i brt you all hate me nowm btu i afnt help it, i got taken the pillss out of tonihght for bieng apparently a skinny bitfh so i came in and ate and atet and ate i aknow i did but i dan't armember it, i weithted myself afeter and literally want to tak ehundreds of pain killer

im so sorry

i think i'm ofin g to

i'm s a ****


dn't bother with me anymore


please




i love you all


a

xxx
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natalie122
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(Original post by TotoMimo)
Hi everyone. My name is Toto, if you'd like to refer to me by my screen name; or Tommy, if you'd like my actual name. Either way, a name is merely a name, just as a tag is merely a tag. And unfortunately, I am tagged many a time.

I am a 26 year old man. I'm also suffering from anorexia nervosa (restrictive type), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and multiple anxiety disorder.

The social stigma associated with, especially anorexia, is not as forgiving with men, it seems. I believe it's because of the very erroneous, silly notion that people develop the disorder through a pursuit of vanity. Mine couldn't be further from that notion; psychologists determined my onset was triggered by being an over-achiever of sorts. I have an insatiable urge to complete life goals I set myself; I struggled to get to college, did so, struggled to get a top grade, did so, then struggled to get into university, did so, struggled again to get the best grades, and managed so. Whilst others gave up trying for the perfect job in such an enormously competitive industry - I strived, and I got the perfect job. Now, with nothing on the horizon, I effectively turned to creating silly daily goals - restricting calorie intake, "beating" what I did yesterday, doing one more sit-up, running one more mile. It has ravaged my body to near death at points.

http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/photo..._6798.jpg?dl=1

In university, I was a healthy weight, as pictured above. At 5' 7"/8", I weighed in around 125-130lbs. After my problems started, the weight obviously just dropped off to my lowest weight ever - just 91lb. That's a mere 6 stone 7. My muscles atrophied, I could hardly stand, my hair thinned, my concentration waned.

http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/7...2399000570.jpg

My days consist of getting up, eating a breakfast of 200 calories, doing around 250 situps, 10 minutes worth of abdominal planks, 300 press-ups, and other various exercises. I eat another meal of fish, steamed vegetables, mushrooms, salad - anything low calorie and filling - later in the day, followed by more exercise. Finally, I go to bed and allow myself a bowl of cereal - my "treat" for the day - and maybe a beer or two whilst I play some videogames. I never break my "calorie cap" of 1500 calories in the day.

Trying hard, I have been trying to reach that cap, to channel my need to reach goals into a positive. My intention is that I can keep increasing it and reaching the goals in a positive way - one which helps me *gain* weight. It still scares me when the number on the scale goes up as it's synonymous with "losing" against my previous self; but I need to do this in order to *not die*. Which is always a good thing.

I liken the disorder to a demon on your shoulder, creating a bubble around you. The frustrating thing is you *know* how to get better, but the demon talks you out of it. When you reach for the answer, the bubble stops you. But the bubble is a comfort. It is safe. It is known, accepted, quantifiable.

With my new methods, I may not have gained much weight (I am just short of 93lb), but I feel a lot stronger day to day and my morale is up. My skin is also less jaundiced and everyone comments I look more full of life:

http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/479...6853090570.jpg

It's surprising how quickly your body retains fat and water when you've restricted so long - a terrifying prospect to someone with an eating disorder - but you must stick with it.


I'd love to open up the floor now to all and any input here into this very diverse topic, to hear perhaps your own stories or any input or advice you can give myself, my peers and anyone else potentially developing one of these insidious conditions.

All my love to everyone and the absolute best of luck in your own daily battles, regardless of what they may be!
you're story is extremely moving & one which i can utterly relate to.
the way you describe the 'Demon' on your shoulder, is very similiar to way i feel it.

I almost feel theres a good person on one shoulder & an evil person on the other in which the 'evil' one always wins, despite daily almost continuous battles in my head between what is right & wrong.

I totally relate to the whole 'comfort' feeling that comes from an eating disorder. In my opinion, i feel its the only one that understands the way & act & normalises it. My ED is like 'My thing' if you know what i mean, its something im 'good at'. I relish in the fact, that i can be strong & resist when others cant, it gives me a sense of power like no other.

I wish you well & hope you find recovery soon. It is comforting to no we are not alone even though we are suffering

xxx

After going over the thread & the overwhelming positivity, i hope my post doesnt annoy or offend

I have always believed that if i had the ultimate willpower & strength to ravage & starve my body, i certainly have the will power to fight this horrible creature out of me!
Last edited by natalie122; 7 years ago
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Antiaris
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#1263
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(Original post by squiff93)
df everyryime i go out i see m t come in znd eat so muchm then tzke z lozd of pills, i don't qquite now if this is nowrmal or notm i brt you all hate me nowm btu i afnt help it, i got taken the pillss out of tonihght for bieng apparently a skinny bitfh so i came in and ate and atet and ate i aknow i did but i dan't armember it, i weithted myself afeter and literally want to tak ehundreds of pain killer

im so sorry

i think i'm ofin g to

i'm s a ****


dn't bother with me anymore


please




i love you all


a

xxx

Oh Squiff, if I was there with you I'd give you a hug.

YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.

We are not sick of you! (okay the level of English in this post was a challenge :P )

We are here for each other. We choose to come here and we want you safe and better. Please don't hurt yourself in any way babula, you need to understand yourself not harm yourself. Before doing anything please look for help...
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diamonddust
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(Original post by squiff93)
df everyryime i go out i see m t come in znd eat so muchm then tzke z lozd of pills, i don't qquite now if this is nowrmal or notm i brt you all hate me nowm btu i afnt help it, i got taken the pillss out of tonihght for bieng apparently a skinny bitfh so i came in and ate and atet and ate i aknow i did but i dan't armember it, i weithted myself afeter and literally want to tak ehundreds of pain killer

im so sorry

i think i'm ofin g to

i'm s a ****


dn't bother with me anymore


please




i love you all


a

xxx
Oh Squiff honey, we love you and we don't want you to hurt yourself! :hugs:
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squiff93
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(Original post by Antiaris)
Oh Squiff, if I was there with you I'd give you a hug.

YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.

We are not sick of you! (okay the level of English in this post was a challenge :P )

We are here for each other. We choose to come here and we want you safe and better. Please don't hurt yourself in any way babula, you need to understand yourself not harm yourself. Before doing anything please look for help...

(Original post by diamonddust)
Oh Squiff honey, we love you and we don't want you to hurt yourself! :hugs:
thankyou both! i feel like such an idiot right now - and a bit of a hungover one at that.

i really think i should stop going out because when i get in all hell breaks loose i go out of my way to hurt myself and can barely even remember it the next day.

have an appointment with the nurse whose meant to be checking up on me and talking to me about how i am and whatnot today, don't really know what to say to her - somedays i've done well really well, but mentally things seem hopeless.
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diamonddust
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(Original post by squiff93)
thankyou both! i feel like such an idiot right now - and a bit of a hungover one at that.

i really think i should stop going out because when i get in all hell breaks loose i go out of my way to hurt myself and can barely even remember it the next day.

have an appointment with the nurse whose meant to be checking up on me and talking to me about how i am and whatnot today, don't really know what to say to her - somedays i've done well really well, but mentally things seem hopeless.
:hugs: You're not an idiot!

I just had an appointment with my nurse and yeah, I can really identify with feeling like everything is awful mentally. I actually had that same conversation with her. She was a bit like 'You can't go to university with your mindset the way it is' and I know that so I have to try to fight it but it is difficult when all the thoughts and behaviours are so ingrained. Just tell her that you don't know what to say, I suppose. She can lead the conversation. We just have to keep talking about it.

I'm visiting my friends in hospital today. I'm so worried about going there. Not about seeing my friends but the staff. I won't be held responsible for my actions if someone comments on my appearance beyond my dress! I'm also going to the theatre later so vair vair excited. Though it will give me performance envy and it sounds depressing as ****. I didn't pick the show and the tickets were free. I make it my mission in life never to turn down any musical. Except for an Andrew Lloyd Webber one!
I'm ridiculously obsessed with The Unauthorised Autobiography of Sam Brown at the moment. There's this song called Freedom which makes me feel happy.

Btw guys, I spoke to Custard and she's taking a break from TSR and she's still fighting.
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squiff93
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(Original post by diamonddust)
:hugs: You're not an idiot!

I just had an appointment with my nurse and yeah, I can really identify with feeling like everything is awful mentally. I actually had that same conversation with her. She was a bit like 'You can't go to university with your mindset the way it is' and I know that so I have to try to fight it but it is difficult when all the thoughts and behaviours are so ingrained. Just tell her that you don't know what to say, I suppose. She can lead the conversation. We just have to keep talking about it.

I'm visiting my friends in hospital today. I'm so worried about going there. Not about seeing my friends but the staff. I won't be held responsible for my actions if someone comments on my appearance beyond my dress! I'm also going to the theatre later so vair vair excited. Though it will give me performance envy and it sounds depressing as ****. I didn't pick the show and the tickets were free. I make it my mission in life never to turn down any musical. Except for an Andrew Lloyd Webber one!
I'm ridiculously obsessed with The Unauthorised Autobiography of Sam Brown at the moment. There's this song called Freedom which makes me feel happy.

Btw guys, I spoke to Custard and she's taking a break from TSR and she's still fighting.

:hugs: for the not feeling good mentally. My appointment was okay except i walked out with a new meal plan which looks scary and I don't feel like I can do. It's annoying because there is a part of me that wants to do it so badly - then there is the part that over uses the word can't.

The nurse was quite nice to me to be honest, but said that if I don't start eating more on my own she will bully me into it (which is what my psychologist did a while back) but I don't think it helps, it just made me eat well for a while till I got bored of it and decided to start restricting more again.

I whimped out about the blood test and didn't go up to have it done eventhough i was meant to which i feel bad about now but i just couldn't face it at the time. Appointments like today make me realise how much of my life i block out and can't remember, like when they asked me about how my eating has been and how i've felt recently i genuinely don't have a clue I assume i've been fine then other people are like no you really haven't. It's odd.

I hope you have a good time at the theatre tonight!!! I was asked this week to play the piano in the play the producers which i half agreed to but then at realising that it was monday the play started on thursday and there was oer 250 pages of music to learn i freaked out and said i wouldn't be able to learn it and my sight reading isn't great. It's a shame - i kind of regret the decision eventhough it's probably better not to put too much pressure on myself.

xxxxxxx
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TotoMimo
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Squiffy dearest, I am so glad you saw reason. This is something that can easily overwhelm you and in a moment of madness you can completely chuck your sense of reasoning out of the window.

And when you do that, whatever portion of the real you, the portion the ED Demon hasn't consumed, disappears and the demon takes complete control.

And let me reiterate, that little ****ard wants you dead. He doesn't want you to be skinny and desirable and waif-model-like. He wants you to be dead. You can't risk relinquishing whatever little control you still have.

I just want to re-extend my love and thanks to all the wonderful comments everyone on here is making towards my comrades and I as we fight off the compulsions, anxieties and outright fears we endure every moment of every day.

It is not just a light-switch mental disorder. This is an all-consuming, multi-tiered life-consuming nightmare, and like all nightmares, when we wake up in a cold sweat, we realise it didn't have any real power over us after all.

Unfortunately we still need to figure out just quite how to wake up!!
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kiss__this_x
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What everyone else said You are inspirational, honestly.

p.s. you're also really hot .__.
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diamonddust
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I keep losing my posts when I try to post on here! It's so annoying. I wanted to reply to Squiff and Toto but it got deleted and I'm too tired to now. Le sigh.
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squiff93
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(Original post by TotoMimo)
Squiffy dearest, I am so glad you saw reason. This is something that can easily overwhelm you and in a moment of madness you can completely chuck your sense of reasoning out of the window.

And when you do that, whatever portion of the real you, the portion the ED Demon hasn't consumed, disappears and the demon takes complete control.

And let me reiterate, that little ****ard wants you dead. He doesn't want you to be skinny and desirable and waif-model-like. He wants you to be dead. You can't risk relinquishing whatever little control you still have.

I just want to re-extend my love and thanks to all the wonderful comments everyone on here is making towards my comrades and I as we fight off the compulsions, anxieties and outright fears we endure every moment of every day.

It is not just a light-switch mental disorder. This is an all-consuming, multi-tiered life-consuming nightmare, and like all nightmares, when we wake up in a cold sweat, we realise it didn't have any real power over us after all.

Unfortunately we still need to figure out just quite how to wake up!!
your post made me laugh, squiffy seems a very appropriate name considering the state i was then and the fact that i'm struggling very much to correctly type this post.

i hate my age so much i wish i was younger and getting over this, because i feel it'd be much easier to learn to eat again rather than learning to eat with the night out which are full of calories in themselves and the whole drunken binge thing which seems to happen and make me feel **** the next day.

your so right about the it wants you dead idea, because sometimes i think thats partly what drives my ed in the first place, the thought that it's an 'easy' escape from life and i can't be blamed in the same way as if i was to jump in front of a train

yesterday i got a new meal plan, i hate hate hate it and spent about 4 hours last night in bed unable to sleep crying about breakfast, but i don't care i'm going to do it and stick to it as best i can its my new task and i'm just going to bloody do it. if a doctor told you to take antibiotics you'd take them, so if they tell you to eat a meal plan i guess it's logical to do it. i don't know how i'll do but i actually am going to put everything into it.

yes i want to be thin, yes often i want to be dead. But i genuinely think that's my ed not me, maybe once i lose this stupid ******* in my head i won't want to be dead and i won't care whether or not i'm a size 4 6 8 or 10!!!

xxxxxxxxx
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TotoMimo
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Squiff, the very notion that you know when your ED is gone you won't care about size PROVES it's the ED part that wants to harm you; it's not you, yourself!

If you need to cry to deal with it... cry a river! Let it all out. Scream, shout, punch a Yorkshire terrier; do what needs to be done. Actually, don't punch yorkshire terriers, turns out those little sods bite back. But you know what I mean.

I'm a strong believer that whatever works... do it. Even if something seems dire in the short term (crying all night, having a theraputic moan etc), you should be thinking about the big picture. You're doing this so you can have a REAL LIFE. Every time you think about chucking your dinner in the bin, picture your family at your gravestone in five years time. Strong images like this really bring things to the forefront and allow you to see reason. Let your emotions HELP you.

Supermassive, it's literally as easy as explaining your compulsions and feelings. EDs are not necessarily the easiest things to determine as they are rarely just one problem. But speak freely with your GP and don't withhold anything. If you have to eat in secret, tell them. If you have to eat dinner wearing a dress made out of cornflakes, TELL THEM. It sounds stupid but in reality ALL of the ED compulsions are unreasonable. Nipping them in the bud requires your complete honesty.
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Arcane Barn Elk
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Keep fighting guys. Life can be good. Here I am looking ridiculously pleased with a penguin that I met!

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/pict...ictureid=12374

He was hand reared at Twycross zoo and his new keepers are trying to teach him that he is a penguin not a person. He still prefers the company of people though!

Its also interesting that some rescued lost, sick or injured penguins have to be force fed as they don't naturally eat dead fish. The keepers literally catch them, hold them, force their beak open and stuff a whole fish head first down their throats. Eventually they get the idea and start eating independently.

My point? Its a long battle to defeat an ED, but it can be done and is worth it.
Last edited by Arcane Barn Elk; 7 years ago
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Anonymous #38
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Oh wow, I had no idea. I thought you were just the amazing guy from Food and Drink who had a massive amount of rep because he is so awesome and loves food. I had no idea that it was a different level of obsession. I have so much respect for anybody brave enough to share such a personal story with everybody, especially when they are so well known on TSR.
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Cinamon
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Hey Hope you're all doing ok x
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Anonymous #39
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Hi everyone I don't know if it's ok for me to post here; I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder and even if I went to a doctor, I don't binge/restrict on a regular enough basis (it has to be at least twice a week, apparantly) to be classed as bulimic. However, there is something rather seriously wrong with my eating habits and they're starting to scare me.

As a child, I suffered abuse and on a logical level I guess there is probably a link between that and any mental health problems that I have. I've quite successfully shoved all of that to the deepest recesses of my brain and I'm not ready to open it all up again or talk to a counsellor or anyone about it. I guess I have to eventually, but right now I'm just going to focus on my more immediate problems and try to get a handle on them myself. I've been doing a lot of research on coping methods and stuff like that and for the next ten days I'm going away to a structured environment with structured meal times three times a day which I'm hoping will break up my binge/purge cycle.

So... that's me. Hi, everyone. A fair few people I know use this site so I'm going to have to stay anonymous, but you can all call me Bee

Bee
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diamonddust
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(Original post by Cinamon)
Hey Hope you're all doing ok x
:hugs: Hey lovely, hope you're ok!

(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi everyone I don't know if it's ok for me to post here; I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder and even if I went to a doctor, I don't binge/restrict on a regular enough basis (it has to be at least twice a week, apparantly) to be classed as bulimic. However, there is something rather seriously wrong with my eating habits and they're starting to scare me.

As a child, I suffered abuse and on a logical level I guess there is probably a link between that and any mental health problems that I have. I've quite successfully shoved all of that to the deepest recesses of my brain and I'm not ready to open it all up again or talk to a counsellor or anyone about it. I guess I have to eventually, but right now I'm just going to focus on my more immediate problems and try to get a handle on them myself. I've been doing a lot of research on coping methods and stuff like that and for the next ten days I'm going away to a structured environment with structured meal times three times a day which I'm hoping will break up my binge/purge cycle.

So... that's me. Hi, everyone. A fair few people I know use this site so I'm going to have to stay anonymous, but you can all call me Bee

Bee
x
:hugs: I'm so sorry about what happened when you were a child and I'm glad you spoke out on here. Good luck for the next 10 days, I hope it helps you. Bee is a very nice alias!
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Aemiliana
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi everyone I don't know if it's ok for me to post here; I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder and even if I went to a doctor, I don't binge/restrict on a regular enough basis (it has to be at least twice a week, apparantly) to be classed as bulimic. However, there is something rather seriously wrong with my eating habits and they're starting to scare me.

As a child, I suffered abuse and on a logical level I guess there is probably a link between that and any mental health problems that I have. I've quite successfully shoved all of that to the deepest recesses of my brain and I'm not ready to open it all up again or talk to a counsellor or anyone about it. I guess I have to eventually, but right now I'm just going to focus on my more immediate problems and try to get a handle on them myself. I've been doing a lot of research on coping methods and stuff like that and for the next ten days I'm going away to a structured environment with structured meal times three times a day which I'm hoping will break up my binge/purge cycle.

So... that's me. Hi, everyone. A fair few people I know use this site so I'm going to have to stay anonymous, but you can all call me Bee

Bee
x
:hugs: I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Regarding a diagnoses: I wish people knew more about EDNOS! EDNOS = Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. See, EDs are so strange and variable that they've had to make a category to fit people in. Please go see your GP, yes, it's a hard step but it's the first step to the new, healthy and happy you. :console:
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Anonymous #40
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I'd just like to send my love and support to everyone who has posted here.
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diamonddust
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(Original post by Aemiliana)
:hugs: I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Regarding a diagnoses: I wish people knew more about EDNOS! EDNOS = Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. See, EDs are so strange and variable that they've had to make a category to fit people in. Please go see your GP, yes, it's a hard step but it's the first step to the new, healthy and happy you. :console:
*nods* I've always thought that it was a bit silly that you needed to binge/purge a certain number of times a week to be diagnosed as bullimic. I don't think people without an ED b/p. :sigh:

(Original post by Anonymous)
I'd just like to send my love and support to everyone who has posted here.
Thank you.
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