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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. Watch

    • #41
    #41

    I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder. When I was 12-14 some of the things I did would fit into the anorexic category (I'd do 500 skips on a skipping rope a day, read cookery books, was into cooking, didn't like eating) and my BMI dropped to 14. At this point I was made to go to the GP, and he said if I don't put on weight (or lose more) then I will have to go to hospital. He never said anything along the lines of an eating disorder, which just left me confused. I hated the fact I had to put on weight, but I did anyway. I'd buy loads of chocolate bars, muffins etc., hide it under my bed, and eat it at night. I really enjoyed food and eating it secretly.

    When I got to a more normal weight, I started disliking my body again. I tried making myself sick but because it didn't work I was left with this new body. My mind was still not right, but my body was normal.

    I am still obsessed with food. I still buy loads of unhealthy food and eat it secretly. Food/what I eat is the thing which is effected when I am under stress. Recently I had exams, I got really depressed and for the first time I started making myself sick a lot. I've stopped this now (as I am living with people and it's not something you can really do with others around), but occasionally eat loads of fattening food.

    I've just been away, as noone was around to see what I ate during breakfast or lunch I wouldn't eat this. I lost about 5 kg in 3 weeks. I feel so out of control. My mind wants to lose weight, I know I'm not fat but I am still dissatisfied with my body. I feel fat, but know Im not fat.

    I want to do something about this. I'd like to talk to my GP but I feel because I'm borderline underweight they won't think I have a serious problem. She'll probably weigh me, say everything is fine, and leave me like this. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I have a problem.
    • #39
    #39

    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :hugs: I'm so sorry about what happened when you were a child and I'm glad you spoke out on here. Good luck for the next 10 days, I hope it helps you. Bee is a very nice alias!

    (Original post by Aemiliana)
    :hugs: I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Regarding a diagnoses: I wish people knew more about EDNOS! EDNOS = Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. See, EDs are so strange and variable that they've had to make a category to fit people in. Please go see your GP, yes, it's a hard step but it's the first step to the new, healthy and happy you. :console:
    Thank you both. I looked up EDNOS and I guess that's what I might be classified as but I'm still reluctant to go to a doctor. Can they help without sending me to a counsellor or psychologist?

    Also, posting anonymously means I can't go back and edit my post but I meant to write binge/restrict in the last little bit of my previous post instead of binge/purge.

    Bee
    x
    • #42
    #42

    Hi

    I hope nobody minds me posting here, you all seem very supportive and nobody has helped me with a thread I posted

    Basically, after a lengthy process I have been approved for a breast augmentation on the nhs. I have different sized boobs (I'm having the one reduced) which causes me so much embarrassment and makes me feel ashamed. I have never had a boyfriend because I don't want anybody to see me naked.

    Anyway, I have unresolved issues with Depression/Eating Disorder and after a recent relapse I understand that I need to get help. - These issues aren't connected with the boob thing though.
    My eating disorder isn't really that 'bad' anymore, I'm 19 now and it lasted for about a year when I was 16 (when i say lasted, i mean the thoughts never really disappeared i was forced to eat), i went through a period of binging and purging, and then when I started to train myself not to eat I got found out shortly after, my LW was 5st 12, and I'm 5ft tall.
    Anyway my mum found my diary and I recieved no professional help, she'd just follow me everywhere to make sure I didn't purge..
    Anyway now, it's not really my weight thats bothering me I just find myself making myself sick as a way of release/punishment.

    My problem is I am concerned that if I go to the doctors for help with the above issues, will they take me off the waiting list for my operation, as I'm too 'mentally unfit'??? :erm: I am so ready for the operation and if they denied me it it would only make me more depressed!

    Can anybody shed some light on what they think the doctors would do?

    Thanks for reading

    xx
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you both. I looked up EDNOS and I guess that's what I might be classified as but I'm still reluctant to go to a doctor. Can they help without sending me to a counsellor or psychologist?

    Also, posting anonymously means I can't go back and edit my post but I meant to write binge/restrict in the last little bit of my previous post instead of binge/purge.

    Bee
    x
    You need to see someone and talk about your issues in order to get better. I know you don't want to (no EDed person ever does) but you have to - life like this is not how life should be! Please go to your GP and get your life back :hugs:
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    Haven't posted for a while!

    I've been on and off lately. Not super-duper chirpy like I was earlier, not depressed as a deflated muffin.

    Human.

    I've been through binges (not really that large, sometimes I'd call 5 grapes a binge), I've been through purges. I've been a while without the former or the latter! Stomach playing up though, etc.

    Still confused about courses, I've grown but my weight is still constant (but may be a little up!). Saw the new Harry potter yesterday, my inner nerd raged and cried and enjoyed the entire thing.

    I might post a bit more a little later but off to cook my Gran's dinner.

    People, if you think you have an eating disorder you probably do. It means that the consideration is EVEN IN YOUR HEAD. Most people WITH eating disorders take ages to admit it to themselves. Go see a GP, please.

    Also thought I'd post a pic of my eating diary so far today! The description explains why it is what it is.

    Loves all and hope your all getting better.

    EAT FOR BRITAIN BABY! (Or whatever relevant country you feel like representing)

    http://citrusdrops.deviantart.com/#/d41ljyl
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :hugs: Hey lovely, hope you're ok!

    :ashamed:
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    :ashamed:
    Oh hun, don't be ashamed. :hugs: I haven't been posting much because I don't really want to say anything. I went to my old hospital to see my friend who begged me to see her and I lied when everyone asked how I was. I didn't even mean to. I just automatically say 'fine' whenever anyone asks me how I feel. I need to stop doing that. The truth is, shame keeps you trapped. If you're ashamed to say that things aren't going well, it means that you can stay in denial. An illustration: One of my really good friends from IP left hospital and said she was going to stay out for good. She's back in and I spoke to her and she said the reason she stopped talking to me and everyone else was because she was ashamed to say that she wasn't doing well. Even just saying 'Things are a bit ****...' is better than saying nothing, I suppose. Big hugs to you. Keep trying. Sooner or later something has to stick! You can PM me if you want? :jumphug:

    I like your doodles Antiaris. :hugs: Mood swings... :sigh:
    • #43
    #43

    Hey everyone, been reading through these for a while now and it's heart-warming stuff, you're all lovely ^ ^ Umm, just need some advice if that's alright? Hope you can bear with me on this one-it's pretty long, I do have a tendency to ramble a bit :')
    Not sure whether I have an ED or not but I definitely have a bad relationship with food. Also please avoid this if you think it might be triggering for you...
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I got teased as a kid about my size and it's kinda stuck so I've spent the last few years putting "keeping fit" top of my priority list. Been fairly nutritionally aware all that time and most people would describe me as a "healthy eater", but somewhere along last year it went overboard and I got these ideas of getting good protein-to-fat/salt-to-water ratios, levels of unsaturated fats compared to saturated fats, visceral fat, burning food before its GI's complete (eat an apple, walk a mile say)-the list goes on . I've lost quite a bit of weight and have got scared to exercise like I used to because of palpitations and chest pains brought on by anxiety, but even at BMI 18 I thought I'd somehow given myself CHD from being a "pig" and it's took an ECG and ETT to give me the all clear medically and tell me everything's alright.
    Anyway because of this fear I've got scared and guilty about eating anything outside of "comfort foods" which always seem to be what you may class as healthy like fruit or fish. Things like cheese and butter freak me out (I used to love cheese : ( ), I'm genuinely scared of going to my friend's barbecue tomorrow and I've still got Easter eggs out in my garage that need eating, but some days I can't eat olive spread because of the fat, fruit because of the sugar...the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I think it'd help if I could not be afraid of working out again, I do tons of walking but still think I'll die just climbing stairs because I'm so big. I don't get it, I look in the mirror and half the time I just see myself as really fat, ugly and unattractive even when family and friends say I've gone pretty skinny compared to what I was. It's almost like I look "better" immediately after exercise and "worse" immediately after eating?
    I've seen the Eating Disorders service about it and think I'm EDNOS or possibly BDD but the dietician hasn't actually told me what my diagnosis is? I don't know whether it's severe enough to be treated as such. I've only dropped to BMI 17.5 at the worst of it before my parents took me to a cardiologist and explained I can't exercise until weight goes up. It's back to 20 now because I'll force myself to eat whatever I'm given for dinner and only do light exercise like walking and swimming for pleasure rather than to burn, but it feels like as long as I'm afraid to do anything more intense the guilt will remain and my body screams "cardiac arrest" or "greedy" if I have to have something like pizza because Mum's working nights. In any case I really don't want to be living with this guilt or anxiety any longer nor making those I love live with my awkward eating habits; supposed to be going to uni in September if I get the grades but my parents don't think I'm ready with my mind the way it is and might have to live at home if I go at all. Any help please

    Phew! Sorry that was so long >_< whoever's bothered to read all that, thanks for biding with me there I do appreciate your patience : )
    Ending on a positive note, however, I'd like to say you're all such incredibly strong people and a real inspiration to fight this illness. There's light at the end of this tunnel, everyone!
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    when does it get better
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    forsaken_earth, I think it gets better when we start believing it can.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    There was a time when just looking at foods outside my "comfort zone" would literally result in panic attacks and images of me lying on my death-bed, let alone eating them. Now those ideas can be put on hold for the most part-many don't scare me as much as bring on pangs of guilt. I'm not comfortable around food yet but I'm feeling way better than I was 6 months ago. And I've barely experienced anything compared to some people who've gone from the depths of the illness to full recovery-living happy and successful lives, perhaps not oblivious to the doubt, but on the back-burner enough to be content.

    There's always a chance of recovery as long as we hold on to the fact that we can free ourselves of these feelings with some courage and determination. Looking at the people on this thread and what some of them have been through, that's something you all clearly have in bucketloads. I think one of the most important things to do that is to remember that you are NOT defined by your ED, you're a unique and brilliant individual first and foremost.
    Journey have a point with the song, you know (God, I love 80s cheese!) : )
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    Oh I'm Anon 43 by the way, pretty new to TSR as you can see :') pleased to meet you all
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey everyone, been reading through these for a while now and it's heart-warming stuff, you're all lovely ^ ^ Umm, just need some advice if that's alright? Hope you can bear with me on this one-it's pretty long, I do have a tendency to ramble a bit :')
    Not sure whether I have an ED or not but I definitely have a bad relationship with food. Also please avoid this if you think it might be triggering for you...
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I got teased as a kid about my size and it's kinda stuck so I've spent the last few years putting "keeping fit" top of my priority list. Been fairly nutritionally aware all that time and most people would describe me as a "healthy eater", but somewhere along last year it went overboard and I got these ideas of getting good protein-to-fat/salt-to-water ratios, levels of unsaturated fats compared to saturated fats, visceral fat, burning food before its GI's complete (eat an apple, walk a mile say)-the list goes on . I've lost quite a bit of weight and have got scared to exercise like I used to because of palpitations and chest pains brought on by anxiety, but even at BMI 18 I thought I'd somehow given myself CHD from being a "pig" and it's took an ECG and ETT to give me the all clear medically and tell me everything's alright.
    Anyway because of this fear I've got scared and guilty about eating anything outside of "comfort foods" which always seem to be what you may class as healthy like fruit or fish. Things like cheese and butter freak me out (I used to love cheese : ( ), I'm genuinely scared of going to my friend's barbecue tomorrow and I've still got Easter eggs out in my garage that need eating, but some days I can't eat olive spread because of the fat, fruit because of the sugar...the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I think it'd help if I could not be afraid of working out again, I do tons of walking but still think I'll die just climbing stairs because I'm so big. I don't get it, I look in the mirror and half the time I just see myself as really fat, ugly and unattractive even when family and friends say I've gone pretty skinny compared to what I was. It's almost like I look "better" immediately after exercise and "worse" immediately after eating?
    I've seen the Eating Disorders service about it and think I'm EDNOS or possibly BDD but the dietician hasn't actually told me what my diagnosis is? I don't know whether it's severe enough to be treated as such. I've only dropped to BMI 17.5 at the worst of it before my parents took me to a cardiologist and explained I can't exercise until weight goes up. It's back to 20 now because I'll force myself to eat whatever I'm given for dinner and only do light exercise like walking and swimming for pleasure rather than to burn, but it feels like as long as I'm afraid to do anything more intense the guilt will remain and my body screams "cardiac arrest" or "greedy" if I have to have something like pizza because Mum's working nights. In any case I really don't want to be living with this guilt or anxiety any longer nor making those I love live with my awkward eating habits; supposed to be going to uni in September if I get the grades but my parents don't think I'm ready with my mind the way it is and might have to live at home if I go at all. Any help please

    Phew! Sorry that was so long >_< whoever's bothered to read all that, thanks for biding with me there I do appreciate your patience : )
    Ending on a positive note, however, I'd like to say you're all such incredibly strong people and a real inspiration to fight this illness. There's light at the end of this tunnel, everyone!
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I'm no doctor so don't take my word for it but from what you've said it sounds like orthorexia (an ED where you become obsessed with eating healthily and end up not eating much because nothing is healthy enough) and overexcercising. http://www.disordered-eating.co.uk/disordered-eating/orthorexia.html Does that sound like you? The bits in bold in particular remind me of someone I knew in IP who was obsessed with complete proteins and water ratios and sugar and everything possible. You definitely need to get whatever help you can because this isn't a way to live and yeah, I think your parents are right. Uni is going to be hard when you're still having those thoughts. If it's affecting your life, well it needs treating. :hugs: Have you seen a psych as well as a dietician? A dietician can't diagnose you.

    (Original post by forsaken_earth)
    when does it get better
    I wish I knew. :hugs: All I know is that it has to.
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    diamonddust, yeah I've seen a psych about it at CAMHS too but as I came in primarily with Generalised Anxiety Disorder they saw the food side of things as just a symptom of that. I can't remember what my official diagnosis is sorry, but I think it's just GAD. CBT's definitely helping on both fronts, but thing is I knew more about food than I ought to even before the panic attacks, palps and chest pains exacerbated it soo bit of a chicken-and-egg, you know? : /
    Thanks for the link anyway ^ ^
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    (Original post by Riku)
    diamonddust, yeah I've seen a psych about it at CAMHS too but as I came in primarily with Generalised Anxiety Disorder they saw the food side of things as just a symptom of that. I can't remember what my official diagnosis is sorry, but I think it's just GAD. CBT's definitely helping on both fronts, but thing is I knew more about food than I ought to even before the panic attacks, palps and chest pains exacerbated it soo bit of a chicken-and-egg, you know? : /
    Thanks for the link anyway ^ ^
    :hugs: No worries. Hope your CBT continues to help! :hugs:
    And welcome to the thread!
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    (Original post by laurenl93)
    I'm in a similar position to you, except I also have OCD and have yt to start treatment. The hardest thing for me was to tell anyone or seek help, I used to love my ED, it made me feel happy when I got that buzz from having diet coke for my meals, give my friends/family fatty calorific foods and get this sense of enjoyment from the fact they were eating it and I wasn't, As well As the happy and victorius feeling after purging. But now, it's different. Back then I had no health side effects and no people asking "so, are you sure you're ok?"

    Now, I see and feel the side effects. My hair is thin and damaged and falls out, I have 3 red permanent scars on my knuckles with acid-damaged right hand nails, I'm always bloated even when I haven't ate anything all day, my skin is dry with bumps and I have no understanding of my body shape. I look at it, hating myself at the fact that I feel pain when I look at my legs in the mirror and yet my best friend says I have lost so much weight in the past year, but I can't see it. I just, can't.

    And now I'm commencing a gap year where I hope to improve and fight the likelihood of a further decline, however I know it's for the best, if I hadve went to uni I would have abused Tge fact I was in charge of what food i buy and how much I ate A's well As being a hypocrite training to become a professional but who has a problem herself. But hey, this time next year I'll be better and know how to cope a well As (hopefully) having an unconditional offer for a degree I know I'm perfect for.

    Oh, I'm sorry, that didn't mean to turn into a life story :/
    I don't exactly ever tell anyone it I guess
    Omg poor you. Hope you and everyone else on this thread get better :console:
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    Binging Binging Binging. Failure
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    Binging Binging Binging. Failure
    *shakes head* You are NOT a failure. Not at all. Sometimes things get hard and your other coping mechanisms aren't developed enough. Doesn't mean you're a failure, just means there's something going on inside your head. :hugs:
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    I'm about to have to start regaining the stone I lost during a relapse It's so distressing. Does anyone have any advice on how to keep myself motivated?
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    (Original post by TheHyacinthGirl)
    I'm about to have to start regaining the stone I lost during a relapse It's so distressing. Does anyone have any advice on how to keep myself motivated?
    I'm in the same position, I want to get back up to my April weight before uni in September. I wish I knew though! For a couple of days I was really organised about it: try to make a list, every morning, of the foods you are definitely going to eat in the day (e.g. at least the bare minimum for breakfast, lunch and dinner,) then aim to add extra foods to the list throughout the day. That way, if you're not feeling great you can just stick to the list, and if you're feeling better you can be more adventurous

    My main problem atm is that I lie to myself. I automatically put off eating another hour, then another hour, then another... before I know it I've skipped another meal, yet in my head I ate the meal because I intended to, so my next meal only needs to be small... eugh that doesn't even make sense All I can say is good luck music and light walking might help too.
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    Maybe keep a list up somewhere of things that you want to do when fully well. Or maybe a picture of you when you were healthy and looking happy? Pictures of those who love you and want you to be well? Picturing your Mum's face when you were at your worst whenever you're tempted to skip or cut down on food. It can also help to replace those old nasty mantras with good, healthy ones - 'I need to be healthy and strong to do what I want to do'.

    Anyway you're all in my thoughts and prayers for good health and a full recovery!
 
 
 
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