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    #51

    Been debating whether to pm you for ages but I can't.
    I really, really want to eat.
    I've been restricting for months, occasionally not eating at all, never ever go over 1000 calories. Today has been bad. I've been at the gym earlier for an hour and a half, had an energy drink so I have had calories, just no solid food at all. I know it sounds so pathetic but I'm scared to eat. It's got to the point where I feel guilty for eating if it's not fruit/vegetables/something basically calorie-less. I don't want to feel like this anymore, but I'm still not skinny enough.
    My family did a food shop today while I was out, usually I go too but I was out. They've bought so much chocolate, crisps, unhealthy food and the thought of it being there is just making me all panicky, I can't go downstairs without feeling terrible like I'm gonna binge or something and the thought of not losing any more weight terrifies me.
    I don't wanna be like this anymore. But I don't want to be fat.
    I really don't know what to do. I don't even know if I've got an eating disorder or not, I feel stupid for even complaining because it's not severe enough.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Been debating whether to pm you for ages but I can't.
    I really, really want to eat.
    I've been restricting for months, occasionally not eating at all, never ever go over 1000 calories. Today has been bad. I've been at the gym earlier for an hour and a half, had an energy drink so I have had calories, just no solid food at all. I know it sounds so pathetic but I'm scared to eat. It's got to the point where I feel guilty for eating if it's not fruit/vegetables/something basically calorie-less. I don't want to feel like this anymore, but I'm still not skinny enough.
    My family did a food shop today while I was out, usually I go too but I was out. They've bought so much chocolate, crisps, unhealthy food and the thought of it being there is just making me all panicky, I can't go downstairs without feeling terrible like I'm gonna binge or something and the thought of not losing any more weight terrifies me.
    I don't wanna be like this anymore. But I don't want to be fat.
    I really don't know what to do. I don't even know if I've got an eating disorder or not, I feel stupid for even complaining because it's not severe enough.
    To be honest you are being quite stupid. You are afraid of food. Most people aren't. i.e. a disorder, about food.

    And quite a severe one at that too by the sounds of it!

    You can PM whomever you like, I do believe that most on this thread are rather willing to help.

    Firstly I would say explain what is happening to other people, especially one of your parents (perhaps the one you trust most.) Get them to help you eat.

    Then get medical help.

    Contact a GP. They will give you a general idea as to where you are. You will then be put into the eating disorder 'system'. Your recovery would then be helped by people with more dedicated qualifications. (specialists)

    ALSO: There is no 'severe enough.'

    You either have a problem, or you don't. Things don't get better unless you get the help.

    You won't get fat BTW.

    Personal story; Before Uni I began losing weight due to Anorexia with bulimic tendencies. In University this got much worse and it was decided that it would be best if I left my course. My BMI had reached 15.1. I know that if I had gone on without help EVEN LONGER my BMI would have dropped even further.
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    Guys, I need a bit of advice. I've been alone in my fiat in Paris as of yesterday (my sis has gone to another country for work and will be back on Monday). I was absolutely ravenous yesterday and ate pretty much everything in the house to get rid of it and today I woke up and something snapped in my head. I made a meal, had some water, went out of the house and now I'm thinking really self destructively. I cried on the phone and told my mum...everything basically. That things have been worse than I've let on. I mentioned taking a gap year and she was like you've already had one referring to my hospitalisation. I got angry and told her I'm not ready for uni and she was like you're going in September, don't talk about a gap year. I don't think I should be going. My mental health gets worse when I'm alone or feel alone and both my mum and my dad are going on and on about how I'll be even more 'behind' like that even matters when the way I feel keeps getting worse and I can barely function at times. I dont need the upheaval but things are awful with my mum at home (I hate her, she hates me and tells me how **** and stupid I am and she doesn't understand the ED and spends ages telling me i'm not fat when that's not the problem!) I'm with a little girl now and I can't even pretend to be happy. If get in to university, should I defer entry? I honestly don't think I should be going just for the depression, without even factoring in the ED. Am I being pessimistic or weak or something? That's what my parents are implying. I'm so scared and so tired and so sad and I feel so weak because I'm not well but my body doesn't match my head and I feel like I made everything up.
    I just don't know how to be normal. I overcompensate and pretend I'm fine and then I explode. I'm just sick of being sick and I can't inflict myself on new people. I have to get better or I'm going to die. I'm saying this from a non medically compromised stage.

    What do I do? I don't know what to do. I know you can't tell me but are my parents right? Should I be going to uni in September?
    I always said if I was still having ED/depressive thoughts and acting on them by the end of summer I wouldn't go to uni.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Guys, I need a bit of advice. I've been alone in my fiat in Paris as of yesterday (my sis has gone to another country for work and will be back on Monday). I was absolutely ravenous yesterday and ate pretty much everything in the house to get rid of it and today I woke up and something snapped in my head. I made a meal, had some water, went out of the house and now I'm thinking really self destructively. I cried on the phone and told my mum...everything basically. That things have been worse than I've let on. I mentioned taking a gap year and she was like you've already had one referring to my hospitalisation. I got angry and told her I'm not ready for uni and she was like you're going in September, don't talk about a gap year. I don't think I should be going. My mental health gets worse when I'm alone or feel alone and both my mum and my dad are going on and on about how I'll be even more 'behind' like that even matters when the way I feel keeps getting worse and I can barely function at times. I dont need the upheaval but things are awful with my mum at home (I hate her, she hates me and tells me how **** and stupid I am and she doesn't understand the ED and spends ages telling me i'm not fat when that's not the problem!) I'm with a little girl now and I can't even pretend to be happy. If get in to university, should I defer entry? I honestly don't think I should be going just for the depression, without even factoring in the ED. Am I being pessimistic or weak or something? That's what my parents are implying. I'm so scared and so tired and so sad and I feel so weak because I'm not well but my body doesn't match my head and I feel like I made everything up.
    I just don't know how to be normal. I overcompensate and pretend I'm fine and then I explode. I'm just sick of being sick and I can't inflict myself on new people. I have to get better or I'm going to die. I'm saying this from a non medically compromised stage.

    What do I do? I don't know what to do. I know you can't tell me but are my parents right? Should I be going to uni in September?
    I always said if I was still having ED/depressive thoughts and acting on them by the end of summer I wouldn't go to uni.
    Hey, hope you're doing alright Diamond, I know how hard it can be to pretend that you're feeling okay because you've made physical recovery when you still feel awful inside. The whole experience of being somewhere so far from home must be quite stressful too. And of course being alone is terrifying because it means being alone with our thoughts, but really these only as much power over us as we give them. I wouldn't blame your mum, we all know how hard it can be to explain what's ultimately an irrational illness about our self-worth to those we care about when to them it looks like both the cause and cure is just food.
    You're right, I can't tell you what to do about uni as that's rightfully your decision to make. There's pros and cons to both, though personally I think there's some things in life we'll never feel 100% prepared for and university is one of them, it's a huge step but hopefully a really rewarding one. I don't even know you except from this but I can tell you're an amazing person with some serious strength of willpower all the same. Whatever you choose to do, please don't think of yourself as being an infliction on others, you'd be a blessing more than anything
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Guys, I need a bit of advice. I've been alone in my fiat in Paris as of yesterday (my sis has gone to another country for work and will be back on Monday). I was absolutely ravenous yesterday and ate pretty much everything in the house to get rid of it and today I woke up and something snapped in my head. I made a meal, had some water, went out of the house and now I'm thinking really self destructively. I cried on the phone and told my mum...everything basically. That things have been worse than I've let on. I mentioned taking a gap year and she was like you've already had one referring to my hospitalisation. I got angry and told her I'm not ready for uni and she was like you're going in September, don't talk about a gap year. I don't think I should be going. My mental health gets worse when I'm alone or feel alone and both my mum and my dad are going on and on about how I'll be even more 'behind' like that even matters when the way I feel keeps getting worse and I can barely function at times. I dont need the upheaval but things are awful with my mum at home (I hate her, she hates me and tells me how **** and stupid I am and she doesn't understand the ED and spends ages telling me i'm not fat when that's not the problem!) I'm with a little girl now and I can't even pretend to be happy. If get in to university, should I defer entry? I honestly don't think I should be going just for the depression, without even factoring in the ED. Am I being pessimistic or weak or something? That's what my parents are implying. I'm so scared and so tired and so sad and I feel so weak because I'm not well but my body doesn't match my head and I feel like I made everything up.
    I just don't know how to be normal. I overcompensate and pretend I'm fine and then I explode. I'm just sick of being sick and I can't inflict myself on new people. I have to get better or I'm going to die. I'm saying this from a non medically compromised stage.

    What do I do? I don't know what to do. I know you can't tell me but are my parents right? Should I be going to uni in September?
    I always said if I was still having ED/depressive thoughts and acting on them by the end of summer I wouldn't go to uni.

    I dont personally think you should be going to uni, not while you are ill both mentally and physically.I also think your parents should be more supportive of you tbh.I know I would be if you were my daughter
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    (Original post by diamonddust)

    What do I do? I don't know what to do. I know you can't tell me but are my parents right? Should I be going to uni in September?
    I always said if I was still having ED/depressive thoughts and acting on them by the end of summer I wouldn't go to uni.
    Stop doubting yourself - if you feel you aren't well enough to go to university then you are not. I don't believe you should be going if you feel that it could make you worse or halt your recovery in any way. You are not falling behind - you are doing the smart thing and waiting until you are in a position to do great work at uni. Because if you are consumed by ED anxiety you wont.

    It also really depends on how much your parents are affecting your recovery.... if they are more detrimental than your own head when alone then is it worth considering moving away?

    Basically you'll make the right choice - just make sure it's yours :hugs:
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Hey, hope you're doing alright Diamond, I know how hard it can be to pretend that you're feeling okay because you've made physical recovery when you still feel awful inside. The whole experience of being somewhere so far from home must be quite stressful too. And of course being alone is terrifying because it means being alone with our thoughts, but really these only as much power over us as we give them. I wouldn't blame your mum, we all know how hard it can be to explain what's ultimately an irrational illness about our self-worth to those we care about when to them it looks like both the cause and cure is just food.
    You're right, I can't tell you what to do about uni as that's rightfully your decision to make. There's pros and cons to both, though personally I think there's some things in life we'll never feel 100% prepared for and university is one of them, it's a huge step but hopefully a really rewarding one. I don't even know you except from this but I can tell you're an amazing person with some serious strength of willpower all the same. Whatever you choose to do, please don't think of yourself as being an infliction on others, you'd be a blessing more than anything
    Thanks to both of you for reading my wall of text, I forgot to paragraph. It's true that no-one ever feels prepared for uni and it's natural and normal to be nervous about it and I *do* want to go, especially as it might serve as a distraction but... I just don't feel stable and I really really want/need to feel stable. Thank you for your lovely words, I wish I could believe them. I was a bit unfair to my mum in my post I think! She really does try and she's got so much better at not saying horrible things to me. She just gets (rightly) frustrated and they're both annoyed with my sister for leaving me alone but I told them all I'd be fine because I thought I would be and I'm 19 and I should be able to look after myself by now and it's my own ******* fault I'm in this mess in the first place!
    I think I'm just angry because it feels like they don't care about me because they're putting university ahead of my health when before they were saying that my health was more important. It feels like to me that my health only matters when I'm obviously sick but I don't know... I think that's just me. After all, if you're in a sick body it's kind of hard to be healthy, isn't it? Sometimes I look in the mirror and am a bit WTF is this, you look disgusting! And I asked my mum to be honest and she said that I actually do look ill but I just look less ill than I did before. But I saw a picture of myself at Christmas 2 years ago and I looked the same as I do now but...more yellow. I didn't look skeletal and I was in hospital less than a month later. I didn't even look miserable! Though I remember putting on that smile.

    I don't want to look ill (obviously) but at the same time I do because I'd feel safer? WTF brain? I think I subconsciously want them to show me that they actually care about me. Which is BS because I know they do. My dad calls me everyday and asks me if I've eaten and tells me that he wants me to be ok and he want me to be happy. I want to give him that. If it will make them happy for me to go to uni, I will. I just want them to be proud of me. It's mostly my mum who wants me to go to uni this year for some ridiculous reason. She said something about me being a 'loser in life' if I take an extra year. I just asked my dad about it and he said that he just wants me alive and healthy and happy. I guess I just feel like I'm not wanted even though I know they love me and that... it just feeds into my nobody loves me/I don't belong anywhere BS complex, I guess. I'll be fine when I go to uni because I kind of have to be.
    (Original post by Annie72)
    I dont personally think you should be going to uni, not while you are ill both mentally and physically.I also think your parents should be more supportive of you tbh.I know I would be if you were my daughter
    Oh no, I'm not physically ill. I have no idea what is happening with my weight because I have no scale but I've probably gained so I'm not too bad on that front. Mentally...not so good. My dad is fairly ok at recognising when I'm not very well but I hardly see him nowadays, my mum just ignores it and says I'm 19 so I should be able to eat things or cook a meal and eat it when it's difficult for me. They do try, my dad especially. My stepmum is the best out of everyone in my family though, she just gets it. She doesn't put the phone down on me or tell me what I'm saying is stupid, she just says the right things and knows how to calm me down. I think she's the only person in my entire family who hasn't upset me...
    I don't know. Do you think it makes sense to take a year out even when I don't need to gain weight? There will be therapists there and I know Norwich has ED services (if I need them...) I think I'll go to uni this year if I get into UEA and defer if I don't get in?

    Thanks for the help guys, hope you're all ok? Didn't mean to ramble on about me!
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Guys, I need a bit of advice. I've been alone in my fiat in Paris as of yesterday (my sis has gone to another country for work and will be back on Monday). I was absolutely ravenous yesterday and ate pretty much everything in the house to get rid of it and today I woke up and something snapped in my head. I made a meal, had some water, went out of the house and now I'm thinking really self destructively. I cried on the phone and told my mum...everything basically. That things have been worse than I've let on. I mentioned taking a gap year and she was like you've already had one referring to my hospitalisation. I got angry and told her I'm not ready for uni and she was like you're going in September, don't talk about a gap year. I don't think I should be going. My mental health gets worse when I'm alone or feel alone and both my mum and my dad are going on and on about how I'll be even more 'behind' like that even matters when the way I feel keeps getting worse and I can barely function at times. I dont need the upheaval but things are awful with my mum at home (I hate her, she hates me and tells me how **** and stupid I am and she doesn't understand the ED and spends ages telling me i'm not fat when that's not the problem!) I'm with a little girl now and I can't even pretend to be happy. If get in to university, should I defer entry? I honestly don't think I should be going just for the depression, without even factoring in the ED. Am I being pessimistic or weak or something? That's what my parents are implying. I'm so scared and so tired and so sad and I feel so weak because I'm not well but my body doesn't match my head and I feel like I made everything up.
    I just don't know how to be normal. I overcompensate and pretend I'm fine and then I explode. I'm just sick of being sick and I can't inflict myself on new people. I have to get better or I'm going to die. I'm saying this from a non medically compromised stage.

    What do I do? I don't know what to do. I know you can't tell me but are my parents right? Should I be going to uni in September?
    I always said if I was still having ED/depressive thoughts and acting on them by the end of summer I wouldn't go to uni.
    :console: Firstly, I totally know what you mean about it getting worse when you're alone. The first time I posted on this thread was because of exactly that; if there's no-one there telling you/expecting you to eat, it's harder to convince yourself you should do so anyway.

    Secondly, I'm not sure taking a gap year is necessarily the way to improve this. What would you do in that year? Surely you might end up feeling just as you do now, or even worse if you don't have some sense of direction... You've been so excited about uni and it would be such a shame for you to have to give it up, even if only for a year If you get straight in there, make loads of friends and sort out ED support at uni, you might start to get even better; I bet there'll be loads of people in your (our!) situation Obviously it's your choice and if you really don't feel like you'll get through it then by all means skip it, but I wonder if taking a gap year wouldn't start to feel like you're letting the ED win again?

    This probably isn't very helpful, and sorry about your mum as well hope you make the best decision, and good luck for thursday as well!
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    I'm personally on the fence with giving the Uni advice.

    My ED got much worse whilst in Uni, though at that point I didn't recognise that I had a ED until too late. If you get the services immediately and if you can mentally prepare yourself beforehand I'd say go for it. Taking a year out of the loop makes it much more difficult and you may end up regretting not going.

    UEA right? I actually went there. They are actually FAMOUS for having a good support system for it's student's mental health! As I said I found out about my ED after it had gone on a while but apparently if I had gotten to them sooner about it it would have been sorted out at a much earlier date!
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    I'm not quoting you all because of space issues but thanks so much to all of you! I've had a proper think about it and I think I'll go in September. As Kebabbi has rightly said, I've been desperate to go to university for ages and I can't not go because I'm feeling a bit ****, I mean, it's an opportunity to turn things around and go somewhere no-one knows me. I'm over thinking! I don't want to put my life on hold for another year and I'm absolutely sick of A levels now! And it sounds a bit stupid, but I'll feel awful about taking 4 years to do a 2 year course. I don't know what I'll do if I do awfully because I'm not brave enough to go through clearing but I'll worry about that when it comes to it. I'll be ok. Sorry for being a drama queen/panicking.

    Are you all ok? Kebabbi? Haven't spoken to you in a while, how was the surgery? :hugs:
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    i've just started thinking about results day aswell - and completely ****ting it. i need something else to focus my mind on - from the 18th of august my life will get a whole lot ****ter! just what the hell am i meant to do!?! the littlest amount of stress sends me off the edge, right now i'm just on it falling off and i want to jump it'll make it a whole lot easier.
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    :console: You don't know what your results are yet so please don't get in a state.There are always things that can be done when you have had poor results.

    Your life will definately get much worse if you act on your self destructive urges, so why make things worse? :hugs:

    You are strong, capable and intelligent and have your whole life ahead of you. Try and plan something nice for today and have something to look forwards to for the next few days too.
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    i've just started thinking about results day aswell - and completely ****ting it. i need something else to focus my mind on - from the 18th of august my life will get a whole lot ****ter! just what the hell am i meant to do!?! the littlest amount of stress sends me off the edge, right now i'm just on it falling off and i want to jump it'll make it a whole lot easier.
    I'm also completely bricking it about AS results. Mum told me last night that I'm 'crap at languages' because she's never seen/heard me speak russian or german at home. The reason I don't is becuase I've no one to do it with! So if I've done **** in my AS German, then she's not going to let me hear the end of it.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    She pretty much ruined my trip to Berlin by calling me 'two tonne tess' about 3 hours before we went. Which then put me on edge/ made me feel **** about myself. Didnt sleep the fri. night, and didnt sleep very well on sat either, which screws with my appitite at the best of times. We did a hell of a lot of walking around berlin to get to the things we were going to see, and walking is something I do if I don't want to/can't eat. Subsequently struggled to get through meals, which then gets me grief off a few of the people I was with, for eating 'not much' at breakfast and not being able to finish my evening meal.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    I'm also completely bricking it about AS results. Mum told me last night that I'm 'crap at languages' because she's never seen/heard me speak russian or german at home. The reason I don't is becuase I've no one to do it with!
    Would your mother prefer that you Skyped in foreign language with masculine strangers?
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    (Original post by Paul PTS)
    Would your mother prefer that you Skyped in foreign language with masculine strangers?
    Doubt it tbh!
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Doubt it tbh!
    Let's try in Russian, I'm just interested in your mother's reaction.

    "LOL, who is that man, girl?"
    "I don't know, met him at TSR today. You yourself said that I need to practice in languages."
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Doubt it tbh!
    I just googled what "tbh" is. Now I know. Several months ago when one Irish chap wrote me "brb" at Skype, at first I thought that he had called me "barbarian" .
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    (Original post by Paul PTS)
    Let's try in Russian, I'm just interested in your mother's reaction.

    "LOL, who is that man, girl?"
    "I don't know, met him at TSR today. You yourself said that I need to practice in languages."
    I do practice it at home, its just 99% of the time, its typed, not spoken!
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    I do practice it at home, its just 99% of the time, its typed, not spoken!
    But you need to speak the language which you learn.
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    (Original post by Arcane Barn Elk)
    :console: You don't know what your results are yet so please don't get in a state.There are always things that can be done when you have had poor results.

    Your life will definately get much worse if you act on your self destructive urges, so why make things worse? :hugs:

    You are strong, capable and intelligent and have your whole life ahead of you. Try and plan something nice for today and have something to look forwards to for the next few days too.
    your advice is so good and i know its logical but i can't change my mind into a more positive outlook. i don't know what to do - i am so confused at what is even wrong with me that i don't know what i'm supposed to do to get better i can't talk about my feelings to people because i don't know or understand them. i feel like i constantly want to be alone but then i know its not safe for me to be alone at the moment. i'm scared and confused and just don't know what to do :'(

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    I'm also completely bricking it about AS results. Mum told me last night that I'm 'crap at languages' because she's never seen/heard me speak russian or german at home. The reason I don't is becuase I've no one to do it with! So if I've done **** in my AS German, then she's not going to let me hear the end of it.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    She pretty much ruined my trip to Berlin by calling me 'two tonne tess' about 3 hours before we went. Which then put me on edge/ made me feel **** about myself. Didnt sleep the fri. night, and didnt sleep very well on sat either, which screws with my appitite at the best of times. We did a hell of a lot of walking around berlin to get to the things we were going to see, and walking is something I do if I don't want to/can't eat. Subsequently struggled to get through meals, which then gets me grief off a few of the people I was with, for eating 'not much' at breakfast and not being able to finish my evening meal.

    i took german AS - wish i carried it on instead of bloody maths!

    anyways, try not to worry about your AS results, i'm sure you'll be fine but even if they weren't what you were hoping for theres always january resits and if you don't get what you want you can even give it another go in june. obviously its lovely if you do well and thats not a necessary but its nice that it's an option.

    i know results are horrible because it's not just you who needs to find out, you feel like everyone expects something of you and your letting them down maybe sometimes more than your letting yourself down, which is horrible. try not to think of other people remember it's your life and their your grades not theirs.

    i know my results are going to be awful - when i had my exams i was being sick after everything i ate over 10 times some days - before my english exam i purged 3 times (considering my exam was 9 in the morning thats pretty ****ed) the week before when i should have been revising i decided to really reduce my intake, i spent hours revising exept i didn't actually do any real revision :/ i don't want my results!
 
 
 
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