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    Custardcream, it seems as though you're enduring a really strong conflicting mental situation; unsurprising considering your past situations. It must be incredibly difficult for you. You certainly sound to be one of the more severe cases I've heard of here on TSR; I have a bmi of 15 and I look like death warmed, most days.

    Anorexics tend to try to "better" or "beat" other anorexics, to be skinnier, to be the absolute smallest, most emaciated being ever; so I hope you don't take that as a compliment, by the way. You sound incredibly ill.

    I was personally sent into a massive anxiety attack today at weigh-in. According to my consultant, I didn't gain this week despite increasing to 2000 calories per day. This is disheartening, but she DID say my body would get used to a certain amount. But since my recovery start (almost 3 weeks ago) I've gained 0.65 kg! I was both terrified and proud of this achievement. Despite this, I've gained 2 inches around my navel from pure painful bloat (26" now, which for a man I'll admit is absurd but to me is devastating), suffering from night sweats and nightmares, been prescribed Fluotexene (prozac) and an antipsychotic to relieve anxieties which have made me dopey as hell, and my bowels are... well, let's just say, erratic. To endure all this so far, to be putting on weight, gaining inches on the navel, and all of the horrid side-effects of recovery, sometimes it seems like just being an anorexic would be easier. But then I snap my logical brain in, and tell myself to stop being so stupid.

    I am dangerously underweight. You are dangerously underweight. Our organs are eating themselves. This is why I, and surely you, must be experiencing the physical and psychological turmoil. But you have to fight through it and continue re-feeding - food is your medicine, not some kind of demon!
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    Oh, and PS - My skin is breaking out, I feel dizzy... but overall, everyone is saying how much more alive I seem. How much more energetic. My skin colour getting brighter.

    I feel more liberated. I feel like a better person. And not even a full kilo yet! Here is me looking like a goober with a stupid smile sitting in the sun with my adorable little nephew who said to me the following... "I love you more now" (referring to my ability to actually play with him for longer than ten minutes before I feel literally sick with dizziness). That alone makes this all worth it.

    http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...g?t=1305918749
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    ^ !

    0.64 is bugger all, really... *squish* i know that dealing with it is a bugger though.

    i refed myself in 06 from 15-20 (bmi points) as an outpatient, purely on my own terms. bloating, gut issues, all that malarkey (my stomach is SCREWED), not fun.

    i got to 20 and said i would got through the hell of refeeding and recovery 100x over to get one more day of freedom.

    (then i had a whole heap of **** go on where my best friend OD'd on my meds and triggered massive relapse).

    if ever you want to ask qs about meds (well, ADs and APs) i can help you out. I'm going to do pharmacy and therefore have incredible interest in meds, and with my mum being a consultant psych i've grown up with them and asking what they are/how they work/side effects etc. if i dont know something i can ask her . i've taken fluoxetine in the past (40mg) for depression and found it quite helpful (it was the only SSRI i've taken that has helped). it screwed with my sleep though (as i have to take my meds at night, else they get puked, and it's an alerting drug... and it gave me v vivid dreams). i've also found mirtazapine (Zispin) helpful (sedating AD and used for anxiety management too). i used to take olanzapine (Zyrpexa) at 10mg daily for anxiety, that really helped but I was taken off it as it can prolong QT interval on ECGs (and my ECGS a bit haywire at times). currently i take 150mg quetiapine (Seroquel) at 150mg. this manages both my anxiety and depression and has literally transformed my life. .

    Custardcream, it seems as though you're enduring a really strong conflicting mental situation; unsurprising considering your past situations. It must be incredibly difficult for you. You certainly sound to be one of the more severe cases I've heard of here on TSR; I have a bmi of 15 and I look like death warmed, most days.

    Anorexics tend to try to "better" or "beat" other anorexics, to be skinnier, to be the absolute smallest, most emaciated being ever; so I hope you don't take that as a compliment, by the way. You sound incredibly ill.
    Aye, no achievement . I look at it as, the only reason I'm thin is because I'm extremely well-acquainted with my toile (and many other toilets...). I happen to be extremely talented at puking. (and as a result, unblocking public toilets with an arm that has open burns on it without thinking twice, etc etc...) Might earn me a plumbing qualification but it's nowt to be proud of. My notes say 'chronic' which pisses me off and saddens me. I don't believe this to be the case, but it feels like people have given up on my. I told my mum this and she said ''well you ARE ****ing chronic, aren't you.'' I'm ill and I'm out of control and I accepted that and asked for more help, which I'm getting, and I'm terrified of. But I don't want to die either.

    I'm currently on a medical ward. Potassium still low this morning and bicarbonate and chloride through the roof (after having been low). ECG showing inverted t-waves. IVs and kept in for a couple of nights I expect. FFS.

    T'other night...
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...yFay/002-2.jpg
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...iryFay/006.jpg
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...iryFay/008.jpg

    And tonight...
    http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/e...y/Image186.jpg.
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    oh, i sent the pics to a mate of mine too. she said 'tbh you dont look that bad, you dont have bones sticking out or anything'.
    i'm sure you can imagine how that cut to the core.

    oh - also, Toto -
    when i was refeeding and in recovery, i shifted my attitude so that i viewed eating my recovery meal plan as hard to do and an achievement, and changed to viewing the restrictive behaviours as being OUT of control and fighting them to complete my MP as TAKING control. i found that really helpful, hope it helps you a little.
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    Hi, my name is *custard (obviously not really ) and I'm 22. I'm going to university in October (Reading, to study Pharmacy ) after finally managing to complete a fulltime Access to Science course this academic year. I like pretty things, I like bold things, I like pastels and roses and lilies and Eva Cassidy and I like barbed wire and swear like a sailor (albeit with a middle-class accent) and like Marilyn Manson. . I like to be a contradiction. And I have Anorexia Nervosa (binge-purge subtype) and Borderline Personaltiy Disorder (ie I have problems with emotional regulation and self-harm ).

    I've had depression and self-harmed since I was 12, and a fullblown ED from 14 (but disordered eating - hiding food, bingeing, overeating whenever possible, occasionally purging out of anger - since I was 6.). No point going through my history. I've been diagnosed in the past AN (restrictive type), BN and my current diagnosis which I've had since 2006 and seems to be the one that 'sticks', An=P. At my heaviest I was 11st 6 (at 164cm... BMI 27.0). At my lightest, 5st 4 (at 166cm... BMI 12.2). Currently at 5st 7 at 166cm = ~12.7.

    The factors that initiated my ED are totally different to what must be I assume the maintaining factors. I know why I developed an ED blah blah but that's totally NOT relevant now. And I'm kinda stuck in therapy not really knowing WHY I feel the need, the drive, the compulsion, to be *so* thin. . At the moment, I use b/p and SI as forms of emotional regulation. I don't SI out of feelings of self-hate/punishment etc anymore, I do it to deal with intense feelings. And the same with b/p. The b/p is currently a lot more dangerous though.

    And I'm in a bad place. I spend all my money and time binge/purging. I keep nothing down. I drink too much, which is all I DO keep down. Given I've been throwing up since I was 6, so 16 years... my stomach has adapted. I can eat something that in theory I am ok enough with allowing my body to digest. Yet 2, 3 hours later, I'm panicking. Because it's sat in my stomach, not moving. My stomach doesn't WORK anymore. So I puke (I don't need to manually trigger it anymore) and I might as well not have bothered eating in the first place.

    Because my BMI is so low, if I eat anything that comes in more than one portion my 'starved' (I don't really believe that I AM, but according to literature etc I must be... ) body COMPELS me to EAT and EAT. And then obviously I puke. And if I decided to NOT puke, 3 hours time... Yeah, it's not staying that long. .

    I don't fit. Anorexics don't understand me, bulimics hate me. When I was AN-R I was fairly typical, all the control issues, unable to express needs (and therefore also hunger), blah blah... Now personality-wise I'm much more typically bulimic but I'm phyiscally an emaciated wreck - and absolutely TERRIFIED of letting go of that. But I'm perfectly ok with saying 'I'm starving, what's to eat?' - nor stating my needs in a more broad sense.

    I've avoided the medical ward tonight because my mum (who is ironically enough a consultant psych herself) fought my consultant to let me stay at home (issues with low potassium again). I have an assessment at a Fat Farm in Ealing (I live in Kidderminster - West Mids) on Monday. I asked for the help - I will not manage uni in this state, I know that... - but I am TERRIFIED.

    As TotoMimo succintly put - I eat like a Kodiac Bear preparing for hibernation (I swear that actually mae my day lol ) but I look a mess. I'll upload some pics if photobucket plays ball.
    I'm actually in tears. You sound so much like one of my best friends from IP I don't know what to say. She doesn't keep anything down either but she drinks so much her weight is medically fine so doctors don't bother trying to help her. :sad: Hun, your BMI is just... crititical. You do need help so well done on asking for it, I think it's really brave. Don't call it a fat farm (even though it feels like one! )- their aim is to make you healthier, not fat. :hugs:
    I just want to give you all the hugs in the world.

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Oh, and PS - My skin is breaking out, I feel dizzy... but overall, everyone is saying how much more alive I seem. How much more energetic. My skin colour getting brighter.

    I feel more liberated. I feel like a better person. And not even a full kilo yet! Here is me looking like a goober with a stupid smile sitting in the sun with my adorable little nephew who said to me the following... "I love you more now" (referring to my ability to actually play with him for longer than ten minutes before I feel literally sick with dizziness). That alone makes this all worth it.

    http://i1125.photobucket.com/albums/...g?t=1305918749
    :cry: That's just heartbreakingly amazing!
    I can see the difference between the picture at the start and this picture. You look happier now, more alive. :hugs: I know how painful and uncomfortable and frustrating the weight gain process is and I just want to hug you!


    I'm struggling so much. I can't stop crying. :cry: I can't do it. I'm not strong enough.
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    oh, i sent the pics to a mate of mine too. she said 'tbh you dont look that bad, you dont have bones sticking out or anything'.
    i'm sure you can imagine how that cut to the core.
    With no respect intended to your or your friend at all, but she sounds like she's either 'desensitised' to it (through seeing you just as 'you' rather than a 'disorder', if you see what I mean), or is trying to be nice. I really hope you aren't offended by this (sorry, I know I've never even spoken to you before!), but please please don't let it make you feel bad, I know how 'innocent' comments can stick to you for a long time sometimes.

    I'm struggling with eating at the moment. I feel ridiculous saying this in a thread where there are people with severe eating disorders, I really do apologise. I'm just so tired of it. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday and I'm so fed-up and I've got a headache. I've got exams on Monday and Tuesday, and then I've got 2 hours kickboxing on Tuesday and then 3.5 hours training on Wednesday. The logical part of me says I know I need to eat in order to do those things, I can't get through exams and training if I don't eat until then.

    And then there's the other part of me which is winning at the moment, the part which feels like I need to punish myself for thinking that I should let myself eat. I can see why other people need to eat, and why it's healthy to eat, and why eating is a good thing. I just can't apply it to myself.

    I'll also probably edit this in a few minutes when I regret whining so much!
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    oh, i sent the pics to a mate of mine too. she said 'tbh you dont look that bad, you dont have bones sticking out or anything'.
    i'm sure you can imagine how that cut to the core.

    oh - also, Toto -
    when i was refeeding and in recovery, i shifted my attitude so that i viewed eating my recovery meal plan as hard to do and an achievement, and changed to viewing the restrictive behaviours as being OUT of control and fighting them to complete my MP as TAKING control. i found that really helpful, hope it helps you a little.
    You look bad. Trust me. Not in a mean, you're unattractive kind of way..but in a, wow, you look drained of all life, energy, hope and happiness kind of way. I totally get your point about how that would cut to the core. I find it as an insult when people compliment me. When people say I look 'good' .. my mind automatically replaces 'good' for 'fat'. It's mental. Why would we want to look ill? It must be the disease, we'd never have initally set out to do this, surely?

    p.s. You're story breaks my heart and you deserve so, so, so much love and support. If I could bottle it up, I'd send it to you by the shipload.
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    Custard, you've really been through the works. I mean it, through the wringer. You've been through what I have, and many times more. I know at a BMI of 15 I am still awful, and 0.65kg is NOTHING, but to me it feels like an achievement as I've actually been trying; none of this "anorexic trying"... ie, "Sure, I ate the X. It was lovely (it's in the bin outside, concealed under other rubbish, but the package for it is in the bin in the kitchen, in order to look like it's been eaten)".

    The medication I'm on includes 40mg of fluoxetene, I'm having a hard time adjusting to it; Olanzapine is the antipsychosis I've been started on and I'm on 5mg for my first week. Thus far it's not *too* harsh on me but I do definitely feel a bit dullminded.

    Custard, you are a beautiful girl with clearly, a great head on your shoulders, high level of intelligence and reasoning, and I've always said it but the most infuriating thing about anorexia is that you KNOW what you're doing wrong. You KNOW how to fix it. It's just that ****ing demon stops you every time like a choke chain. Some days you wish you could be stupid and oblivious to the answer just so it wasn't so tedious and frustrating to see the light but be unable to grab it.

    You really do look frail sweetpea. Please keep your smart-head on, and don't let the ED talk you into daft habits over the next few days whilst you IV.

    Get better sweetheart, all my love goes to you. XXX
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    The stories on here make me so sad and scared at the same time
    I've always been slightly overweight my whole life, I'm about 5'3 and my weight has fluctuated between 7 and a half stone and 9'4. I'm about 8 and a half at the moment. Recently eating has got so much worse, every meal is a struggle because there's a voice in my head screaming at me to put down the fork because I'm too fat. I feel sick every time I have a proper meal, yesterday all I had to eat was a bowl of cereal, a yoghurt, a mars bar and an apple. I'm scared of what's going to happen to me when I can't force myself to eat anymore.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    I'm actually in tears. You sound so much like one of my best friends from IP I don't know what to say. She doesn't keep anything down either but she drinks so much her weight is medically fine so doctors don't bother trying to help her. :sad: Hun, your BMI is just... crititical. You do need help so well done on asking for it, I think it's really brave. Don't call it a fat farm (even though it feels like one! )- their aim is to make you healthier, not fat. :hugs:
    I just want to give you all the hugs in the world.

    I'm struggling so much. I can't stop crying. :cry: I can't do it. I'm not strong enough.
    thank you . i know... it's just so hard to accept. (i know you by another name on another fourm, btw... :tri:)
    (Original post by Liv1204)
    With no respect intended to your or your friend at all, but she sounds like she's either 'desensitised' to it (through seeing you just as 'you' rather than a 'disorder', if you see what I mean), or is trying to be nice. I really hope you aren't offended by this (sorry, I know I've never even spoken to you before!), but please please don't let it make you feel bad, I know how 'innocent' comments can stick to you for a long time sometimes.

    I'm struggling with eating at the moment. I feel ridiculous saying this in a thread where there are people with severe eating disorders, I really do apologise. I'm just so tired of it. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday and I'm so fed-up and I've got a headache. I've got exams on Monday and Tuesday, and then I've got 2 hours kickboxing on Tuesday and then 3.5 hours training on Wednesday. The logical part of me says I know I need to eat in order to do those things, I can't get through exams and training if I don't eat until then.

    And then there's the other part of me which is winning at the moment, the part which feels like I need to punish myself for thinking that I should let myself eat. I can see why other people need to eat, and why it's healthy to eat, and why eating is a good thing. I just can't apply it to myself.

    I'll also probably edit this in a few minutes when I regret whining so much!
    Don't worry, I'm not offended at all! I *know* logically she must've had some underlying motive... *sigh*.

    Hungry and fuggy and mug-headed, unable to concentrate, irritable and twitchy and generally not fun to be around? Yeah, restriction is awesome . Don't feel bad, your ranting is PERFECTLY valid. . I really hope you're able to fuel your body soon.
    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    You look bad. Trust me. Not in a mean, you're unattractive kind of way..but in a, wow, you look drained of all life, energy, hope and happiness kind of way. I totally get your point about how that would cut to the core. I find it as an insult when people compliment me. When people say I look 'good' .. my mind automatically replaces 'good' for 'fat'. It's mental. Why would we want to look ill? It must be the disease, we'd never have initally set out to do this, surely?

    p.s. You're story breaks my heart and you deserve so, so, so much love and support. If I could bottle it up, I'd send it to you by the shipload.
    Oh, thank you . I feel pretty drained. Tbh, I feel near/at the end of the road. I don't think anyone wants to look ill for the fun of it. I told my Gran I was going to the Fat Farm and that I'd prob come out 15ish (which is where I left an EDU back in 06) and she told me how WONDERFUL I looked and although I didn't look 'fat' I DIDN'T LOOK TOO THIN. BMI 15 = as you prob well know borderline emaciation. So, apparently I look 'well' when I'm just about still emactiated. WONDERFUL, thanks Gran . .
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Custard, you've really been through the works. I mean it, through the wringer. You've been through what I have, and many times more. I know at a BMI of 15 I am still awful, and 0.65kg is NOTHING, but to me it feels like an achievement as I've actually been trying; none of this "anorexic trying"... ie, "Sure, I ate the X. It was lovely (it's in the bin outside, concealed under other rubbish, but the package for it is in the bin in the kitchen, in order to look like it's been eaten)".

    The medication I'm on includes 40mg of fluoxetene, I'm having a hard time adjusting to it; Olanzapine is the antipsychosis I've been started on and I'm on 5mg for my first week. Thus far it's not *too* harsh on me but I do definitely feel a bit dullminded.

    Custard, you are a beautiful girl with clearly, a great head on your shoulders, high level of intelligence and reasoning, and I've always said it but the most infuriating thing about anorexia is that you KNOW what you're doing wrong. You KNOW how to fix it. It's just that ****ing demon stops you every time like a choke chain. Some days you wish you could be stupid and oblivious to the answer just so it wasn't so tedious and frustrating to see the light but be unable to grab it.

    You really do look frail sweetpea. Please keep your smart-head on, and don't let the ED talk you into daft habits over the next few days whilst you IV.

    Get better sweetheart, all my love goes to you. XXX
    Oh my, oh my. .

    (5mg olanzapine was what I was initially started on and is standard dose for use of it in terms of managing anxiety. The dullmindedness is normal, should help if you have sleep issues. Can cause invol. muscle movements in face/mouth but is rare. I find it affected my dreams but I quite sensitive to those side-effects)

    Yes, I know what I'm doing is wrong. I can eat a 'nutritionally acceptable' meal quite happily - but the idea of keeping it down is unfathomable despite reasoning. It's STUPID. And I am not a stupid girl. But I am behaving as if I were, and I cannot control it.

    Take care, ok? And keep going xx
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The stories on here make me so sad and scared at the same time
    I've always been slightly overweight my whole life, I'm about 5'3 and my weight has fluctuated between 7 and a half stone and 9'4. I'm about 8 and a half at the moment. Recently eating has got so much worse, every meal is a struggle because there's a voice in my head screaming at me to put down the fork because I'm too fat. I feel sick every time I have a proper meal, yesterday all I had to eat was a bowl of cereal, a yoghurt, a mars bar and an apple. I'm scared of what's going to happen to me when I can't force myself to eat anymore.
    I used to be OW, weight is IMO irrelevant in a lot of ways until it becomes a medical concern.
    I'm really sorry you're struggling with restrictive thoughts so much, it's horrible . (Mars bars on the other hand get *thumbs up* - good choice ).

    I can tell you what will happen when you can't force yourself to eat anymore.
    You won't eat. And it will either result in death, hospitalisation where you can elect to eat what you're given or get Jevity shoved up your nose via NG tube, or you can choose to regain control as an outpatient. . (i know it's not that simple. but cut and dried that's what it comes down to.)
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    You look bad. Trust me. Not in a mean, you're unattractive kind of way..but in a, wow, you look drained of all life, energy, hope and happiness kind of way. I totally get your point about how that would cut to the core. I find it as an insult when people compliment me. When people say I look 'good' .. my mind automatically replaces 'good' for 'fat'. It's mental. Why would we want to look ill? It must be the disease, we'd never have initally set out to do this, surely?

    p.s. You're story breaks my heart and you deserve so, so, so much love and support. If I could bottle it up, I'd send it to you by the shipload.
    I second everything you've said. Including you look good/well/better. It's definately the illness wanting to keep you stuck. There's no other reason for me spending the last hour crying to my sister about my BMI being too high and the fact I actually have thighs now (:rolleyes:) and everyone being thinner than me and how there's this girl in my English class who looks really thin and she's cleverer than me and makes me feel inadequate and how I feel guilty every time I put anything in my mouth and want to throw up and then feel inept because my gag reflex doesn't work and how I feel weird when I walk anywhere because I can feel that I've put on weight. I certainly didn't give a **** before. I still don't. I close my eyes when I take a shower and live in hoodies. I don't like looking at myself. I just can't describe the feeling everytime I unconsciously body check and find that I can't grab my hipbones and I can't count my ribs. I know it's not healthy and it's certainly not attractive in any way, but I look like **** now and I'm not even THAT underweight anymore so what's the difference? My teacher told me she knew I had anorexia (tbh, I think my head of year told her) and I still don't think it's obvious because of my BMI (18).

    It's really difficult to see the medical danger of behaviours when you're in the weight position I'm in where you're still underweight but barely and you honestly don't think you'll get down to stupidly low weights (again). I can't see myself getting down to my hospitalisation BMI again, I don't think my body will let me. Maybe I'm deluded, I don't know. I think my brain is engulfed in the ED atm and the fact my body is in a different place AND I have exams have just made me explode so I can't really tell what rational normal thinking is anymore. I wish I knew how to make myself care about the consequences. All I want is to get into university and succeed and also lose all this weight and get back to an even lower weight than I was when they shoved me in hospital. I know that's not what I should want, especially when logically I know I'd die if I got to the weight I want to get to but the ED voice in my head is having a temper tantrum and screaming that I HAVE to get there. It's getting harder and harder to keep on at doing what I know I should. I have to carry on eating though, it feels impossible but I have to because I'll hate myself if I miss my grades for uni.

    I'm just a mess atm. Sorry for the ramble.
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    (Original post by *custardcream)
    thank you . i know... it's just so hard to accept. (i know you by another name on another fourm, btw... :tri:)

    Don't worry, I'm not offended at all! I *know* logically she must've had some underlying motive... *sigh*.

    Hungry and fuggy and mug-headed, unable to concentrate, irritable and twitchy and generally not fun to be around? Yeah, restriction is awesome . Don't feel bad, your ranting is PERFECTLY valid. . I really hope you're able to fuel your body soon.

    Oh, thank you . I feel pretty drained. Tbh, I feel near/at the end of the road. I don't think anyone wants to look ill for the fun of it. I told my Gran I was going to the Fat Farm and that I'd prob come out 15ish (which is where I left an EDU back in 06) and she told me how WONDERFUL I looked and although I didn't look 'fat' I DIDN'T LOOK TOO THIN. BMI 15 = as you prob well know borderline emaciation. So, apparently I look 'well' when I'm just about still emactiated. WONDERFUL, thanks Gran . .

    Oh my, oh my. .

    (5mg olanzapine was what I was initially started on and is standard dose for use of it in terms of managing anxiety. The dullmindedness is normal, should help if you have sleep issues. Can cause invol. muscle movements in face/mouth but is rare. I find it affected my dreams but I quite sensitive to those side-effects)

    Yes, I know what I'm doing is wrong. I can eat a 'nutritionally acceptable' meal quite happily - but the idea of keeping it down is unfathomable despite reasoning. It's STUPID. And I am not a stupid girl. But I am behaving as if I were, and I cannot control it.

    Take care, ok? And keep going xx


    I used to be OW, weight is IMO irrelevant in a lot of ways until it becomes a medical concern.
    I'm really sorry you're struggling with restrictive thoughts so much, it's horrible . (Mars bars on the other hand get *thumbs up* - good choice ).

    I can tell you what will happen when you can't force yourself to eat anymore.
    You won't eat. And it will either result in death, hospitalisation where you can elect to eat what you're given or get Jevity shoved up your nose via NG tube, or you can choose to regain control as an outpatient. . (i know it's not that simple. but cut and dried that's what it comes down to.)
    PM me! I'm intrigued as to where else you know me. I strongly suspect I recognise you from another forum too- though I think you're under a totally different name too or the same one... can;t remember.

    I had someone like your gran in an ED unit. This old lady was a patient and she told me a couple of days after I came in that I didn't need to be there because I was THIN not SKINNY. :rolleyes: Turns out she did the same to everyone else. That's something to remember actually! Hospital sucks and the people play mind games. Do not want.

    Oh hun, you're not stupid. I know you know you're not but I thought I'd reiterate it! What you are is ill. Fatfarm is actually an awesome name, come to think of it. I felt like a pig being stuffed for market!
    Mars bars... :drool: I prefer Snickers though! I miss proper chocolate. I had a freddo today but cheap chocolate is grim. :sad: I want Lindt dammit! Actually right now, I'm just hungry. Must remind self that my body being hungry doesn't make me greedy.

    Have a BIIIG hug from me :hugs:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The stories on here make me so sad and scared at the same time
    I've always been slightly overweight my whole life, I'm about 5'3 and my weight has fluctuated between 7 and a half stone and 9'4. I'm about 8 and a half at the moment. Recently eating has got so much worse, every meal is a struggle because there's a voice in my head screaming at me to put down the fork because I'm too fat. I feel sick every time I have a proper meal, yesterday all I had to eat was a bowl of cereal, a yoghurt, a mars bar and an apple. I'm scared of what's going to happen to me when I can't force myself to eat anymore.
    *hugs* From Something Fishy!

    There are many men and women suffering with all types of Eating Disorders that do not appear in any specific weight range. Those with Anorexia can be slightly overweight... while those with Compulsive Eating can be slightly underweight. Variations for all who suffer can be anywhere from extremely underweight to extremely overweight to anywhere in between. The outward appearance of anyone with an Eating Disorder does NOT dictate the amount of physical danger they are in, nor does is determine the emotional conflict they feel inside. They need not display even close to all of the below symptoms to be in danger.

    Have you got into contact with any medical professionals?
    :hugs: :sad:
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    I second everything you've said. Including you look good/well/better. It's definately the illness wanting to keep you stuck. There's no other reason for me spending the last hour crying to my sister about my BMI being too high and the fact I actually have thighs now (:rolleyes:) and everyone being thinner than me and how there's this girl in my English class who looks really thin and she's cleverer than me and makes me feel inadequate and how I feel guilty every time I put anything in my mouth and want to throw up and then feel inept because my gag reflex doesn't work and how I feel weird when I walk anywhere because I can feel that I've put on weight. I certainly didn't give a **** before. I still don't. I close my eyes when I take a shower and live in hoodies. I don't like looking at myself. I just can't describe the feeling everytime I unconsciously body check and find that I can't grab my hipbones and I can't count my ribs. I know it's not healthy and it's certainly not attractive in any way, but I look like **** now and I'm not even THAT underweight anymore so what's the difference? My teacher told me she knew I had anorexia (tbh, I think my head of year told her) and I still don't think it's obvious because of my BMI (18).

    It's really difficult to see the medical danger of behaviours when you're in the weight position I'm in where you're still underweight but barely and you honestly don't think you'll get down to stupidly low weights (again). I can't see myself getting down to my hospitalisation BMI again, I don't think my body will let me. Maybe I'm deluded, I don't know. I think my brain is engulfed in the ED atm and the fact my body is in a different place AND I have exams have just made me explode so I can't really tell what rational normal thinking is anymore. I wish I knew how to make myself care about the consequences. All I want is to get into university and succeed and also lose all this weight and get back to an even lower weight than I was when they shoved me in hospital. I know that's not what I should want, especially when logically I know I'd die if I got to the weight I want to get to but the ED voice in my head is having a temper tantrum and screaming that I HAVE to get there. It's getting harder and harder to keep on at doing what I know I should. I have to carry on eating though, it feels impossible but I have to because I'll hate myself if I miss my grades for uni.

    I'm just a mess atm. Sorry for the ramble.
    Don't apologise, it wasn't a ramble. Every word was heart-felt, honest and important. Believe it or not, people are actually interested and care about what you have to say and how you're feeling. I know what you mean with the BMI catergories and borderlines, I went through a stage where I was determined to get my BMI lower just so that I felt I had the RIGHT to see a therapist. I felt like a fraud, like I was wasting their time and that I wasn't thin enough to be ill. The truth is, it's only when we knock on deaths door that we ever start to mildly believe that we are skinny as **** and realise this disorder is trying to trick us and however much we lose, it'll always breed a desire in us to want to lose more.

    When I have moments where thoughts in my head say, "You want to be disgustingly sickly skinny, you want to get into hospitilisation weight" I stop. And I ask myself, why? Why do I? What are the pros of doing anything like that, what will I achieve by doing that and where will be the next step after that? Let's face it, we're probably all very seriously goal-driven people and you just need to try and fix your goals in a healthy direction, rather than towards death.

    Everybody has thighs. Everybody. Well, except maybe amputees or phlidamides or rare cases like that! Stop screwing your own mind up obbsessing over them and 1cm here or 1cm there, the regular human eye really isn't going to be able to measure such changes. Focus your mind energy (the little you have of it, as you've been depriving yourself of it by not eating adequately) towards reaching the important things. The genuinely, logical, reality important things. Health, future and life.

    You're obviously intelligent, I've no doubt that if you keep yourself alive for enough time you'll get the grades and get to Uni. But what's the point in getting there in this state? You'll be miserable, ill, secluded, not well enough to achieve the degree your capable of. And then the cycle will continue. Push the disease to the back of your mind and go there a happy, healthy, (yet still perfectly slim, no doubt!) girl and learn to enjoy life again. Hobbies, friendships, experiences. You've already wasted far too much time. X
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    I have no idea what occurred today. Like the flick of a switch, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Yin and Yang, my anxiety got out of control today.

    My friends who I haven't seen in almost a year through being an absolute anorexic hermit took me for a meal at a chinese buffet. Now, I just went crazy. I tried like, a little bit of everything there, and had a GIANT bit of cake and mr whippy afterwards.

    I'm talking, I went bonkers. Like 3000-4000 calories for the day. And now, all my mind is saying is, "How about some crisps? One of those amazing cookies you just made?" - my body is craving it so badly, but I cannot for the life of me allow myself to have it, despite the fact the buffet was earlier and inexplicably my stomach is growling. I will already gain like a pound off this and can't fathom letting my body take in even MORE.


    It's almost like I got a taste for food again and my body wants it all at once. But I'm sat here in tears. I've never experienced this sensation before. My control is usually absolute, and here I am at the other end of the spectrum for the first time in years and years.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I'm talking, I went bonkers. Like 3000-4000 calories for the day. And now, all my mind is saying is, "How about some crisps? One of those amazing cookies you just made?" - my body is craving it so badly, but I cannot for the life of me allow myself to have it, despite the fact the buffet was earlier and inexplicably my stomach is growling. I will already gain like a pound off this and can't fathom letting my body take in even MORE.


    It's almost like I got a taste for food again and my body wants it all at once. But I'm sat here in tears. I've never experienced this sensation before. My control is usually absolute, and here I am at the other end of the spectrum for the first time in years and years.
    Nice work. I always feel like there's kind of a competition thing going on with buffets - if you eat less than you paid, they win, and if you eat more then you win.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have no idea what occurred today. Like the flick of a switch, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Yin and Yang, my anxiety got out of control today.

    My friends who I haven't seen in almost a year through being an absolute anorexic hermit took me for a meal at a chinese buffet. Now, I just went crazy. I tried like, a little bit of everything there, and had a GIANT bit of cake and mr whippy afterwards.

    I'm talking, I went bonkers. Like 3000-4000 calories for the day. And now, all my mind is saying is, "How about some crisps? One of those amazing cookies you just made?" - my body is craving it so badly, but I cannot for the life of me allow myself to have it, despite the fact the buffet was earlier and inexplicably my stomach is growling. I will already gain like a pound off this and can't fathom letting my body take in even MORE.


    It's almost like I got a taste for food again and my body wants it all at once. But I'm sat here in tears. I've never experienced this sensation before. My control is usually absolute, and here I am at the other end of the spectrum for the first time in years and years.
    Whilst rationalising it won't make you feel any better (I don't know about you, but I can tell myself logical information over and over again, it doesn't make the fear go away), but it is normal. And it is ok. It's not out of control, it's not going to be like that forever, it's just a temporary anxiety (even if it doesn't feel like it!)

    Your body isn't used to be able to have what it needs. It doesn't often get anywhere near enough nutrients and minerals, effectively it's living off itself and eating itself (sorry, I can't think of how to make that sound nicer >.<). So it's been given the chance to get what it needs, and it needs to take in as much of it as possible because it has no idea when it will be able to get enough energy and nutrition again.

    It really is temporary though. I didn't eat for quite a significant amount of time at one point, and when I first started eating again I felt like I couldn't stop. But it settles down. You're not going to gain lots and lots of weight, and even if you do gain a pound from what you've eaten, that's not a bad thing at all - it's a very very small amount that 99% of people wouldn't give a second thought to. You're very, very underweight, and your body needs it.

    Don't let this push you a step backwards, look over your last few posts in here and realise how far you've come and how much strength you've had. You're putting yourself through huge anxiety every day to try and get your life back and to have energy again. This anxiety might feel overwhelming right now, but it's temporary. Hold on to the positives of what you did today - you let yourself eat, even though it didn't go as you wanted.

    And also. I know this is cliched, and I'm sure you've heard it many many times before (and I'm sorry it sounds rude!) but...is it really control through restriction? I know it feels like it is (I'd be lying if I said I don't restrict as a form of control). But is it really control if you don't feel like you have a choice, because you're so anxious about eating and gaining weight that you have to force yourself to restrict? Because to me that sounds like the opposite of control, it sounds like the disorder is in control. And you are not your disorder, you are more than that.

    Apologies for ridiculously long essay. I hope some of it makes sense though.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have no idea what occurred today. Like the flick of a switch, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Yin and Yang, my anxiety got out of control today.

    My friends who I haven't seen in almost a year through being an absolute anorexic hermit took me for a meal at a chinese buffet. Now, I just went crazy. I tried like, a little bit of everything there, and had a GIANT bit of cake and mr whippy afterwards.

    I'm talking, I went bonkers. Like 3000-4000 calories for the day. And now, all my mind is saying is, "How about some crisps? One of those amazing cookies you just made?" - my body is craving it so badly, but I cannot for the life of me allow myself to have it, despite the fact the buffet was earlier and inexplicably my stomach is growling. I will already gain like a pound off this and can't fathom letting my body take in even MORE.


    It's almost like I got a taste for food again and my body wants it all at once. But I'm sat here in tears. I've never experienced this sensation before. My control is usually absolute, and here I am at the other end of the spectrum for the first time in years and years.
    Oh my God! :jumphug:

    Toto, your story is heart-breaking and I really wish you - and everyone else - the best for recovery. You can do it. It's long and it's hard and it's stressful but it's so worth it.

    Listen, don't beat yourself up over this. That influx isn't something to class as repulsive - it's not even that abnormal. Don't punish yourself for something that's not worth punishing yourself over. Think of Christmas: people routinely consume huge quantities of food without the bat of an eyelid. It's okay to indulge every now and then, however scary that word might sound. Point is, tomorrow is a new day. You might feel bloated and uncomfortable for a bit right now, but that should be gone by the morning. If you're still feeling hungry perhaps something light? Fruit or something?

    I just hope everyone is okay, and that you pull through this. I know everyone else has already said this but you look so much happier in that last picture you posted (forget skin breaking out! You look lovely!) and I cannot stress enough how I bet your friends and family - and, by the looks of things, the entirety of this thread - is thinking of you and hoping that you'll be able to return to how you were before the ED hit. You can do it. And you will.

    Remember that, 'kay?

    :console:
    • #13
    #13

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I have no idea what occurred today. Like the flick of a switch, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Yin and Yang, my anxiety got out of control today.

    My friends who I haven't seen in almost a year through being an absolute anorexic hermit took me for a meal at a chinese buffet. Now, I just went crazy. I tried like, a little bit of everything there, and had a GIANT bit of cake and mr whippy afterwards.

    I'm talking, I went bonkers. Like 3000-4000 calories for the day. And now, all my mind is saying is, "How about some crisps? One of those amazing cookies you just made?" - my body is craving it so badly, but I cannot for the life of me allow myself to have it, despite the fact the buffet was earlier and inexplicably my stomach is growling. I will already gain like a pound off this and can't fathom letting my body take in even MORE.


    It's almost like I got a taste for food again and my body wants it all at once. But I'm sat here in tears. I've never experienced this sensation before. My control is usually absolute, and here I am at the other end of the spectrum for the first time in years and years.
    *hugs* I understand the anxiety of being so hungry and wanting food so badly but your anorexia is strictly stopping you from doing so. It is draining, it is torture and it is just plain unfair.
    I am on medication which has actually ridden my body of the need for food so I haven't felt that anxiety for a while but when I did get it it would be horrible yet I never could allow myself to even touch it.

    I really do hope the very best for you. It is quite a misconception people have that people with ED's don't like food when in fact we are obsessed with it we are just fearful of it... it's a love/hate relationship really.
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    Liv, it's so true about the "control" aspect of things. This is perhaps why I find it so difficult. I KNOW I'm being controlled by this... disease. But in some ways, I use it as a mediator. It's the go-between guy. When I make a decision it gets relayed to the disorder first, and it tells me "yes" or "no".

    But knowing that tomorrow I will have gained at LEAST one "proper" pound and whatever in water/salt weight, it terrifies me. When I go to my scales as I will inevitably do, and see the number pop up at like 95lb or something will cripple me mentally. I'm happy to see it bounce up by .2 of a pound, or tiny amounts... you know, bit by bit - quantifiable. But the crazy blip where my body does the doubleyou-tee-eff thing...

    and now, my dad, saying how proud he is of going out and having a big proper meal with pals, has asked me to have some beers with him and watch a Blu-Ray he just bought tonight.

    I want to. I want to because my family has supported me to no end throughout this, to the point where dad says if I gain up to my minimum healthy (18.5 BMI of 8.5-8.8 stones) weight he will actually stop smoking (something he vowed, previously, impossible, but he admitted he would do even this to see me healthy). But my belt already feels so tight and my head is screaming at me as I type this out, and tears are in my eyes. I had such a great day, and if I didn't have this ****ing illness I bet this would've been the best day ever.

    But once again, the disorder shouts, screams, tells me how disgusting I'm being.

    Beers and films with dad after an amazing buffet feast and snacks, to a normal person, must seem ace. But to me, for some absurd reason, it feels like some sort of disgusting binge of uncontrolled excess.

    I apologise for my negativity, but this is the first time in ages I've felt overwhelmed...
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    Despite the fact that I’m a pretty crap hugger (oh, that sounds odd. Let me reiterate: I’m just an awkward hugger. Friends have commented on how it’s like hugging ‘A rigid stick’ - less, I think, in reference to me being thin, and more due to the fact that I sort of rigidly freeze up. I do like hugs though... I’m just useless at giving them ) I just wanted to give you more :hugs: and to let you know that you sound so lovely and nice and deserve this recovery so so much. You’re such a nice person, and it’s brilliant that you’re fighting this. I was close to tears before and I’m awfully tempted to sit here and write a huge long essay relating to everything; one of my friends had an ED, not myself and while I’d never claim that I can fully relate to what you’ve said, I have an idea. I know how awful an ED is, how it rips people apart and very, very nearly destroys some. Don’t let that be you.

    :hugs: :jumphug:
 
 
 
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