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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Yo! Just dropping in to say :hi: again. Well done to those pushing themselves to get better - it's so hard so well done :yep:

    I'm not one of those people (spoiler has bmi and food)
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    and am only feeling comfortable when loosing weight - yes it's going to bite me in the bum again. Scared of how my mind is working actually - to the point where a 20g of cereal for breakfast, banana for lunch(actually make that half a banana), and small salad for dinner feels like pigging out. I think it's the banana that did it. BMI of 20. So clearly not thin, which is what stops me from dealing with it. But I KNOW it's going to go past that again after I start uni when no one is putting binge food in the cupboard. The light-headedness is pissing me off now - and blacking out when standing up is scaring me into eating more.


    I don't expect any advice btw really. Just being honest. Don't know why


    OH GOD and

    My friends are P***ING ME THE HELL OFF!!!!! Shopping today and they were constantly going on about how up and down my weight is and laughing that i'm going to get really thin and then go eat a Mac Donalds. Gahhhh >
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    Cinamon, please don't give up. We need to be each others' backbones here!!

    I am certainly getting down about things.

    My weight the past few days has been all over the place. It's literally went 96, 98, 96, 99lb (with today being 3lb up on yesterday).

    I find myself unable to NOT weigh myself on a daily basis.

    Finally, I think the reason I am hurting so much is because I know I should be gaining weight and it's my overall goal, but the means in which I am achieving it are less than favourable. I am quite literally now getting drunk in order to "make up my numbers", with a dulled mind I feel less anxious in doing so and now I feel reliant on this dulling effect to feel that I should be eating.

    I understand I need to *physically* gain weight before I can *mentally* recover, but the anxieties I am facing won't allow me to just... eat like a normal person. It's always all-or-nothing, and sometimes the grip around my neck is just loosened ever so slightly by having a couple of beers, but in doing so I'm just fixing a leak by puncturing a hole elsewhere, if you'll forgive the metaphor.
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
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    Scared of how my mind is working actually - to the point where a 20g of cereal for breakfast, banana for lunch(actually make that half a banana), and small salad for dinner feels like pigging out. I think it's the banana that did it. BMI of 20. So clearly not thin, which is what stops me from dealing with it. But I KNOW it's going to go past that again after I start uni when no one is putting binge food in the cupboard. The light-headedness is pissing me off now - and blacking out when standing up is scaring me into eating more.


    I don't expect any advice btw really. Just being honest. Don't know why


    OH GOD and

    My friends are P***ING ME THE HELL OFF!!!!! Shopping today and they were constantly going on about how up and down my weight is and laughing that i'm going to get really thin and then go eat a Mac Donalds. Gahhhh >
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    Cinamon, BMI of 20 isn't "clearly not thin", it's actually the low side of a healthy BMI and it's great that you've got yourself back up to it! But we shouldn't let that number determine what or how much we eat really; ultimately I think it should be based on what we want (which tends to cover what we need in the process) and whether we're actually hungry or not. You must know that what you've eaten isn't anywhere near "pigging out", more likely it's way under your maintenance needs. Half a banana has at most, what, 50 calories? That's enough to keep you going for about half an hour! You really deserve not to punish yourself like this, it's the last thing you need before going to university : /
    Would it maybe help if you ate a little more over the next few weeks before starting uni (say a bowl of pasta with the salad and some vegetables or a few slices of bread with the banana) so that you feel a little better physically, and once you're there ask your roommates to put away food they're not using that day with an excuse like you don't like messy kitchen surfaces? I dunno, sorry if that's not too helpful >_<


    I don't know what to suggest about your mates sorry, apart from the fact that they're probably really concerned by your weight fluctuation and are using these little teases as a way to brighten things up a bit for you and everyone. If they do it again, maybe you could gently let them know that you don't find them funny and ask them to stop it? I'm sure if they were told that their jokes are bothering you they'll stop, but please don't let silly off-hand comments like these get you down. It's often hard for friends to understand EDs. I don't think they mean it to be genuinely antagonising and hurtful, they probably don't even realise how triggering it can be.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    My weight the past few days has been all over the place. It's literally went 96, 98, 96, 99lb (with today being 3lb up on yesterday).

    I find myself unable to NOT weigh myself on a daily basis.

    ..............sometimes the grip around my neck is just loosened ever so slightly by having a couple of beers, but in doing so I'm just fixing a leak by puncturing a hole elsewhere, if you'll forgive the metaphor.
    You have such a great understanding of the process of recovery Toto. It would be great if our intellectual understanding translated into feelings and behaviour! Ever heard the saying 'Fake it 'til you make it?' It helps me very much although often I'm faking it rather than 'making it'! LOL

    Weight is weird and it will be unstable during recovery - we all vary day to day - you know that! How do you feel about giving someone your scales to look after and then weighing yourself once a week?

    I'm ambivalent about the drinking. Some Drs make it standard practice to prescribe anxiolytics to help recovery by reducing the anxiety. On the other hand you don't want to become dependent on drinking either Maybe try and have one beer? You're good at control - use your willpower for recovery . Have you tried other relaxation methods like breathing, meditation, calming mantras etc?

    Try to remind yourself about all the great things that you want to do once recovered. Go and do something that you enjoy (that's non food related ideally ) and remember that you deserve to be well, you are a great guy and if you can't stand up on your own yet we are all here supporting you and everyone else who is in recovery!
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    I think I'm ready to let go of the ED, everyone. But to do that I have to come to terms with the sensation of panic around exercise and that's really hard. This whole thing might be a bit triggery sooo spoiler alert...:

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    I don't want to have to spend several hours a day deciding what to eat anymore. I am so FED UP of letting labels determine what I eat. I just want to be able to have a little of what I fancy and look at it as fuel rather than a threat. I know there's nothing wrong with my diet now, been discharged from the local ED Service, regained the stone and a half I've lost and still fairly comfortably on the increase, and I can do socials like family birthdays and once in a blue moon even eat out, stuff like Pizza Hut. The big problem is the anxiety now, especially round exercise. I feel that being happy and healthy-including "fit" in the physiological sense of the word rather than any dodgy misleading slang about being built like an Adonis-should be my long-term goal, not getting or maintaining any particular weight or jean size. And apart from that, I love food too much dammit! >_<
    I still get irrational guilt and health anxiety based off what I've eaten but these manifest in disordered eating thoughts. Usual case scenario is "you can't do activity X today because you ate Y, you pig"; yesterday it was experiencing breathlessness (almost certainly from panic) climbing stairs because I had some of the apple crumble me and Dad cooked up. Apparently some 500 odd empty calories mean I'll collapse climbing to my bedroom. WTF PLEASE? I don't want to be afraid to this degree anymore and I'm so tired of having to think things through like this.

    So basically I was wondering a) has anyone got any tips on how to do safe, moderate exercise WITHOUT it relapsing into overtraining and turning into a competition/ punishment (and also maybe how to deal with anxiety around all the symptoms e.g. pounding heart, breathlessness etc.) and b) would anyone recommend using meds for it like Fluoxetine?


    Any help's greatly appreciated. Keep strong, guys : )
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    Hallo all!

    Had a VERY mixed couple of days. I am nearing that magical number of 18.5! And then, the world! Muahahahahaha.

    Mr Mimo, as hard as it is to do you are going to HAVE to stop weighing yourself. When I had to do that the only way I managed it was getting my Mum to hide the scales, popping them out only once a week to track progress.

    Oh, and weight fluctuates. Like. Crazy.

    I decided on a little experiment; Eating helluva lot in the night for the weight, weighing, then weighing the difference in the morning.
    Night: 9st 6 lbs (My BMI is good!)
    Morning: 9st. (Kinda)


    6lbs in so little time! We just have to take it as it is and accept, we are not constants in space and time. A pound is pointless.

    VERY TRIGGERING. I broke down in a major way;

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    Kay, quick explanation. 2 days ago I went into a major mental crisis, my Bulimia side kicked in, my Anorexia side kicked in, result? All out war in my head. I kinda broke down. I know I need to gain weight but the weight gain is difficult. After eating a relatively small amount (less than 300 KCal) the bulimia told me to throw it up. Anorexia told me that this would slow my metabolism post recovery. Feelings of guilt were overwhelming, I felt like a tidal wave of food related trauma was battering my body into a ball.

    I had a shower to wash away the bad karma. To wash away the bad feelings. To get 'clean'. I turned the tap to near scalding, my hands clenching at my own flesh trying to tear away the 'fat'. Still in a migraine like state I simply carried on battling inside my own head. The numbing heat stopped me from realising what I was doing.

    I stepped out of the shower and looked in the mirror. My face, red and puffy, looked like I had come out the worse end of a fight. My abdomen was covered in red scratch marks, and still is, where my nails dug into my own skin. My chest is now showing the mark's of my mind. Thank god I'm now seeing a psychotherapist, and Jesus Christ can she just stop thinking I just have bulimia?

    I took a picture of the ensuing damage to scare myself straight next time. I painted to get out the last bad feelings. I drew to take my mind off of things.


    I hate it when logic and sense takes a skip from my head...
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    Hi, I started a thread before I even realised this existed.

    I have an EDNOS, basically, since giving birth I am just getting back down to a 'normal' weight on the BMI scale but I definitely show signs of an eating disorder - constant calorie counting, restritcing calories, b/p'ing, nervousness and panic around food etc.etc. you all know the score.

    I'm not quite sure when it all really started, but I do remember up until say, third year? in school I got teased for being 'fat', and one day I just decided I wouldn't eat lunch or x, y and z either. In next to no time, around 3 months I believe, I had fallen from a UK size 14 to a UK size 8 and I was really happy. That seemed to be the end of my calorie counting and restricting days, but every so often I would revert back to it for a week or so but I kepy my weight almost steady and I never once thought of these relapses as 'strange'. I honestly believe it to be normal, that everyone obsessed over their weight, counted calories religiously, restricted etc.etc.

    Now in 2009 I fell pregnant, I found out in November, and I can honestly say for the first time in my life I didn't care about food or calories. I just ate and was happy, my baby needed me to eat and I wanted him to have the best start - so I did. I suppose in a way I was also 'making up' for all those bad habits before because in the end I put on near 60lbs I suppose!
    After the birth of my son I still didn't care, I was breastfeeding and he needed me to eat for him to eat. It was bliss, for the first time ever I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted. No questions, no little voices in my head, nothing!

    But it all came to a half in May this year and I relapsed for a while. Through severe calorie restritcing and counting, as well as exercise, I managed to loose just shy of 14lbs/1 stone in 3 weeks. After that I sort of got better and managed to loose a good bit further through healthy eating, proper calorie intake vs outake and exercise (I needed to loose the baby weight). However, on the 13th of this month I went on an all inclusive holiday for one week and when I came back I was 3lbs heavier than when I left (mostly because all the fizzy juice, alcohol and the fact I ate white carbs, instead of wholegrain/wheat ones). It is now 8 days since my return, 6 days since my relapse and I am back to such serious calorie counting and restricing I am barely eating over 800kcal a day and I now weigh 3lbs LESS than my preholiday weight, so 6lbs less than what I was last Saturday. That's 1lbs loss per day since this started :'(

    The worst part is, that although I hate this disease, the way it controls me, I'm happy. I'm happy I can control something in my life always, I'm happy seeing the numbers go down and today I was ecstatic in the shops having went down a dress size. All the while thinking to myself if I keep restricting/restrict more, then I can get even smaller.

    I just want to be healthy, to eat what I want when I want. Not to look at every label, to overestimate my food kcals so I know I'm not going over, to enjoy the hunger pains I get. I don't want my son to pick up on my bad habits when he is older, to think this is 'normal' or even worse, start doing it himself. I would loathe myself even more than I already do if I hurt him through this.

    Gah.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Hallo all!

    Had a VERY mixed couple of days. I am nearing that magical number of 18.5! And then, the world! Muahahahahaha.

    Mr Mimo, as hard as it is to do you are going to HAVE to stop weighing yourself. When I had to do that the only way I managed it was getting my Mum to hide the scales, popping them out only once a week to track progress.

    Oh, and weight fluctuates. Like. Crazy.

    I decided on a little experiment; Eating helluva lot in the night for the weight, weighing, then weighing the difference in the morning.
    Night: 9st 6 lbs (My BMI is good!)
    Morning: 9st. (Kinda)


    6lbs in so little time! We just have to take it as it is and accept, we are not constants in space and time. A pound is pointless.

    VERY TRIGGERING. I broke down in a major way;

    Spoiler:
    Show
    Kay, quick explanation. 2 days ago I went into a major mental crisis, my Bulimia side kicked in, my Anorexia side kicked in, result? All out war in my head. I kinda broke down. I know I need to gain weight but the weight gain is difficult. After eating a relatively small amount (less than 300 KCal) the bulimia told me to throw it up. Anorexia told me that this would slow my metabolism post recovery. Feelings of guilt were overwhelming, I felt like a tidal wave of food related trauma was battering my body into a ball.

    I had a shower to wash away the bad karma. To wash away the bad feelings. To get 'clean'. I turned the tap to near scalding, my hands clenching at my own flesh trying to tear away the 'fat'. Still in a migraine like state I simply carried on battling inside my own head. The numbing heat stopped me from realising what I was doing.

    I stepped out of the shower and looked in the mirror. My face, red and puffy, looked like I had come out the worse end of a fight. My abdomen was covered in red scratch marks, and still is, where my nails dug into my own skin. My chest is now showing the mark's of my mind. Thank god I'm now seeing a psychotherapist, and Jesus Christ can she just stop thinking I just have bulimia?

    I took a picture of the ensuing damage to scare myself straight next time. I painted to get out the last bad feelings. I drew to take my mind off of things.


    I hate it when logic and sense takes a skip from my head...
    :hugs:
    Even though you're going through a lot mentally, you're doing astoundingly well. I hope that doesn't upset you, I know it sometimes can. And can I just say, yay to healthy coping mechanisms? :jumphug:
    Weight really does fluctuate like crazy! I went to see my new therapist and got weighed (without knowing I was going to be weighed) and cried my eyes out, forgetting I'd had two cans of diet coke that *might* have influenced the number. :rolleyes:
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    Had a pretty tough weekend, visited my nan who says she worries about my weight and stuff and since she lives far away from us she's never actually been told about my ED and i wouldn't want her to know. At mealtimes i'd give myself a portion i was okay with and then she'd either add tonnes more to my plate or bring something in. At breakfast i made myself a bowl of porridge, and when i had just finished she came in asking what i'd had once i'd told her she rushed off to the kitchen to make me two teacakes ladened them with butter then handed them to me and sat on the sofa basically watching me eat them. At dinner today i gave myself two new potatoes, but then she decided that wasn't enough and added one new potato and 3 roast potatoes to my plate!!! i'm so glad it's over i just felt constantly on edge like she was going to chuck more food at me all the time

    Of course i am TRYING to eat better but that just seemed excessive and more than i can handle in one go.

    My chest seems to be hurting more and more - and i'm overly stressed about things which is again bringing on the panic attacks and shaking. I'm don't know if i should stop being stubborn and start taking the fluoxetine again which is currently stashed away in my cupboard.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I think I'm ready to let go of the ED, everyone. But to do that I have to come to terms with the sensation of panic around exercise and that's really hard.
    a) has anyone got any tips on how to do safe, moderate exercise WITHOUT it relapsing into overtraining and turning into a competition/ punishment (and also maybe how to deal with anxiety around all the symptoms e.g. pounding heart, breathlessness etc.) and b) would anyone recommend using meds for it like Fluoxetine?
    I have had severe problems with anxiety (for a variety of reasons!). What I have found helpful are the following:
    Focusing on my breathing (steady in and out, count each up to 10 then start again).
    Replacing anxious thoughts with helpful statements e.g. 'Eating a pudding is okay and I am feeling calm and well.'
    Setting limits on exercise beforehand and when that ol' devil arises using one of my helpful statements, '20 minutes on the treadmill is enough. There is no need to do anymore.'
    Reminding myself that those symptoms are harmless, 'My heart is pounding, but that is okay.'
    Distratcing myself from physical symptoms by focusing on something else using mindfulness e.g. paying attention to the sky, trees, things around me.

    Personally I have also needed to use medication, but that is because I have very long term problems.

    I'm making lots of rhubarb crumble atm as we have huge amounts of it growing!
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    I'm don't know if i should stop being stubborn and start taking the fluoxetine again which is currently stashed away in my cupboard.
    Hope your weekend is improving!

    Anyway, not a good idea to go on and off fluoxetine. It can take weeks to start working and you need to take it consistently for it to help. If you're prescribed it and want to take it then you should, but you have to complete the course
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    (Original post by rubixcyoob)
    I don't want my son to pick up on my bad habits when he is older, to think this is 'normal' or even worse, start doing it himself. I would loathe myself even more than I already do if I hurt him through this.
    Hi Ruby,

    It is so hard to have an ED, especially when you are responsible for others. The thing is, you are not yet completely in the grip, so you do have the chance to prevent it getting worse.

    Set yourself a healthy weight using a medical weight chart and no cheating! If you need to lose some weight to be a healthy weight then set yourself a healthy calorie count to achieve that (1500Kcals is usual) and stick to it. If you don't need to lose any weight then you should be eating 2000kcals a day MINIMUM! You are good at sticking to things and certainly have the willpower so use it to maintain your health rather than to destroy it.

    You are absolutely right to be concerned about the effect on your son. EDs are enormously destructive of families and it is a huge burden to grow up with a mother who is ill. I'm afraid that you have a straight choice: follow your ED and take your son into hell with you or refuse to be a victim and tell the ED voice to get lost, you have a life to live and want to enjoy your son's childhood.

    If you need a reminder then buy and read 'This Mean Disease: Growing Up in the Shadow of My Mother's Anorexia' by Daniel Becker. Heartbreaking.

    I am in similar situation to you, but my boy is now 22 and I was able to resist the temptation to return to my ED during his childhood.

    Stay Well!
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    (Original post by Arcane Barn Elk)
    I have had severe problems with anxiety (for a variety of reasons!). What I have found helpful are the following:
    Focusing on my breathing (steady in and out, count each up to 10 then start again).
    Replacing anxious thoughts with helpful statements e.g. 'Eating a pudding is okay and I am feeling calm and well.'
    Setting limits on exercise beforehand and when that ol' devil arises using one of my helpful statements, '20 minutes on the treadmill is enough. There is no need to do anymore.'
    Reminding myself that those symptoms are harmless, 'My heart is pounding, but that is okay.'
    Distratcing myself from physical symptoms by focusing on something else using mindfulness e.g. paying attention to the sky, trees, things around me.

    Personally I have also needed to use medication, but that is because I have very long term problems.

    I'm making lots of rhubarb crumble atm as we have huge amounts of it growing!
    Thanks Arcane, that's good advice especially about the exercise anxiety : )I'm doing swimming atm and trying Couch to 5K, it's pretty gruelling :') but then, the doctor's said I underestimate my own fitness so I could be exaggerating the exertion from anxiety and negative self-talk; it's really hard to tell sometimes. It's good to be able to differentiate being "out of shape" and "unfit" (which personally I believe we should try not to be just for the sake of our health) and feeling that 3-letter f-word which really doesn't make a difference to our worth as a person. I think I got those two definitions confused a long time ago now so it's a strange process making them entirely different concepts again.
    I'm really unsure with the medication, I've always over-thought things and my symptoms have only been really bad this last year but it's getting to the stage where I think my parents are talking behind my back, mild paranoia that kind of thing : / plus mindful thinking is soo hard 'cause I'm used to a million thoughts flying through all at once! My therapist suggested Fluoxetine while adjusting to uni, do you think this'll help?

    And woop, fellow farmer ; D you've gotta love the crumble. Can't say our patch is growing too well currently, think we have a Mandrake infestation or something!
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    (Original post by Riku)
    ...... "out of shape" and "unfit" (which personally I believe we should try not to be just for the sake of our health) ...........it's a strange process making them entirely different concepts again.

    I'm really unsure with the medication, I've always over-thought things and my symptoms have only been really bad this last year but it's getting to the stage where I think my parents are talking behind my back, mild paranoia that kind of thing : / plus mindful thinking is soo hard 'cause I'm used to a million thoughts flying through all at once! My therapist suggested Fluoxetine while adjusting to uni, do you think this'll help?

    And woop, fellow farmer ; D you've gotta love the crumble. Can't say our patch is growing too well currently, think we have a Mandrake infestation or something!
    Yes, you're right there is a big difference. Generally if you can do all of your activities including your training without being absolutely exhausted and struggling by the end of it then you are as fit as you need to be right now. I can't swim as I have a rare heart condition that is kicked off by swimming! But I do love the gym and that great buzz after exercise.

    I've found medication very helpful, especially fluoxetine. Once it starts working, which can take a couple of weeks, it really makes a difference. In my case the 'mild' paranoia and racing mind were all reduced and then disappeared. I felt much more relaxed and confident. Stuff that previously sent me up the wall stopped bothering me and I slept properly! It sounds as if it could be a good idea for a couple of months. Sometimes its prescribed for between three and six months, and it is important to keep taking it once you start to see the real benefits.

    Whoa, better deal with those mandrakes - and make sure you have you have your ear plugs ready!
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    i really need some help
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    i really need some help
    Squiffy, :hugs: whats up?
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Squiffy, :hugs: whats up?
    I've spent the whole day binging and purging and i feel like ****, i feel like i have no control and i just want to carry on and get it out of my system today....

    I don't think theres a way to stop it today I really don't trust myself, I have this bad feeling that something awful is going to happen. I don't want to be here anymore

    Sorry i can't really reply - everything seems ****ed and it's hard to express myself. i don't feel alive or real
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    I've spent the whole day binging and purging and i feel like ****, i feel like i have no control and i just want to carry on and get it out of my system today....

    I don't think theres a way to stop it today I really don't trust myself, I have this bad feeling that something awful is going to happen. I don't want to be here anymore

    Sorry i can't really reply - everything seems ****ed and it's hard to express myself. i don't feel alive or real
    I'm crap at advice hun because I always feel like a hypocrite but :hugs: anyway - there is always a way to stop it but it can be a cycle that is hard to break You go into a crazy binge because your body is craving the nutrition and then feel like you can't stop because you pass a line and then feel like you've failed already. And sometimes it's just because you have no thoughts and it's all impulsive and then you come around realising what has happened.

    The reason I know this is because what you're experiencing happens to so so many people with this illness and you are not alone and not weird. Take a break for the rest of the day, sleep, rest and gather up energy so that you can make a fresh start again tomorrow xxx

    Gah is it the weather or something? :ashamed:
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    I'm crap at advice hun because I always feel like a hypocrite but :hugs: anyway - there is always a way to stop it but it can be a cycle that is hard to break You go into a crazy binge because your body is craving the nutrition and then feel like you can't stop because you pass a line and then feel like you've failed already. And sometimes it's just because you have no thoughts and it's all impulsive and then you come around realising what has happened.

    The reason I know this is because what you're experiencing happens to so so many people with this illness and you are not alone and not weird. Take a break for the rest of the day, sleep, rest and gather up energy so that you can make a fresh start again tomorrow xxx

    Gah is it the weather or something? :ashamed:
    Thanks i haven't slept properly in ages i wish i could just sleep my life away. I know i should hope that tomorrow will be better but honestly i just wish there was no tomorrow. everything is winding me up and i just feel like i'm going to snap.

    i'm sorry xxx
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    Thanks i haven't slept properly in ages i wish i could just sleep my life away. I know i should hope that tomorrow will be better but honestly i just wish there was no tomorrow. everything is winding me up and i just feel like i'm going to snap.

    i'm sorry xxx
    I'm sure you've thought that before and come out the other side - and no doubt you'll feel that again at times. Just remember that previously you have cooled off, dealt with it and felt better and that means that you can do it again :hugs:
 
 
 
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