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    • #50
    #50

    I've been sleeping nearly all day, I never even feel that tired, but sleep seems the only way for me to stay away from food :confused:

    Food problems...
    Spoiler:
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    I did it again today. Felt so awful about eating that I just had to purge. I'm starting to like losing weight a little too much, even though I wasn't bothered about my body before. Not a great deal, anyway. I ate in front of my mum (even chocolate) and still she remarked on how little I've eaten today, so to not arise suspicion I made myself a dinner. Half of it landed in the toilet straight away. I don't want to eat I'm scared of what purging will do to my health, so restricting seems like a better plan. But I don't want to make people suspicious, argggghhhh
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    Anonymous, I restricted for a while. Nearly died. Had a heart attack. 26 years old.

    s'your call buddy.
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    Finding it so hard to support others today, sorry.
    Finding it really hard to post on here too.
    There's so much I want to say that I don't feel like I can say because it either feels like I'm being overdramatic or I'm being negative. I'm still here though.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Finding it so hard to support others today, sorry.
    Finding it really hard to post on here too.
    There's so much I want to say that I don't feel like I can say because it either feels like I'm being overdramatic or I'm being negative. I'm still here though.
    I'm also feeling like the best I can do is :hug:.

    Doesnt help I've spent quite a few hours feeling really,really on edge and idk why. Which is annoying, and I'm going to the doctors about my hands& feet and their general lack of being warm/ the whole having to wear socks to bed in the middle of august. And I am tempted to tell the doctor about my disturbing inability to cope with nerves/ stress, as its someting thats getting worse, and getting quite badly worse very quickly. i.e Feb, I decided/ was begged/ forced into performing in the spring concert. Normally I get really nervous & shake quite a bit, but I can finish my piece. Couldnt even do that this time! Nearly had a panic attack before going into my german speaking exam. Ditto going to pick up my AS results, to the extent that I got told by the head of music, sit down before you fall down. And I think she thinks I'm mad. Parents dont know about the whole anxiety thing, hence why I dont want to mention it to the doctor because I dont want him to put me on tablets for it, cos then I've got to explain to ma & pa what they are, and I'd hate them to make me completely inable to feel a little bit of nerves, just want them to take the edge off, because otherwise I WILL lose the plot before my A2 exams. </rant>

    TL;DR - I dont cope with nerves v. well and its getting worse. Probs should tell docotor to get it sorted for the sake of my sanity, but don't want to have to explain to parents why I'm ramming tablets down my throat/ declare on UCAS I'm insane.
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    It seems as though this is a difficult time for all of us. We seem to synchronise our feelings! Perhaps EDs are seasonal!! Haha.

    At any rate, despite the fact we are all enduring the same things and thus, we're freaking out and feel useless to others, we are helping our brethren more than we think.

    No matter what burdens you think you're going to be to others by posting - post. A problem shared is a problem halved.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    It seems as though this is a difficult time for all of us. We seem to synchronise our feelings! Perhaps EDs are seasonal!! Haha.

    At any rate, despite the fact we are all enduring the same things and thus, we're freaking out and feel useless to others, we are helping our brethren more than we think.

    No matter what burdens you think you're going to be to others by posting - post. A problem shared is a problem halved.
    We do. The anxiety, is usally seasonal. Exam seasonal :/
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Finding it so hard to support others today, sorry.
    Finding it really hard to post on here too.
    There's so much I want to say that I don't feel like I can say because it either feels like I'm being overdramatic or I'm being negative. I'm still here though.
    I felt better for posting the other day - maybe it would help?

    snowflake i thought it would be the worst thing in the entire world if my mum found out about my meds. She inevitably found out, and although she doesn't agree with them, i'm so glad I told her. You're mature enough to not have to explain the ins and outs to your parents - but to let them in a little might be a good thing.

    Toto - definitely seasonal! Haha! It's gotten soooo cold here in the past few days - feels like winter
    • #50
    #50

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Anonymous, I restricted for a while. Nearly died. Had a heart attack. 26 years old.

    s'your call buddy.
    :hugs:

    There's always the feeling of "not gonna happen to me though" in my head, I just dunno what to dooooo I just binged again as well, what the hell.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    I'm also feeling like the best I can do is :hug:.

    Doesnt help I've spent quite a few hours feeling really,really on edge and idk why. Which is annoying, and I'm going to the doctors about my hands& feet and their general lack of being warm/ the whole having to wear socks to bed in the middle of august. And I am tempted to tell the doctor about my disturbing inability to cope with nerves/ stress, as its someting thats getting worse, and getting quite badly worse very quickly. i.e Feb, I decided/ was begged/ forced into performing in the spring concert. Normally I get really nervous & shake quite a bit, but I can finish my piece. Couldnt even do that this time! Nearly had a panic attack before going into my german speaking exam. Ditto going to pick up my AS results, to the extent that I got told by the head of music, sit down before you fall down. And I think she thinks I'm mad. Parents dont know about the whole anxiety thing, hence why I dont want to mention it to the doctor because I dont want him to put me on tablets for it, cos then I've got to explain to ma & pa what they are, and I'd hate them to make me completely inable to feel a little bit of nerves, just want them to take the edge off, because otherwise I WILL lose the plot before my A2 exams. </rant>

    TL;DR - I dont cope with nerves v. well and its getting worse. Probs should tell docotor to get it sorted for the sake of my sanity, but don't want to have to explain to parents why I'm ramming tablets down my throat/ declare on UCAS I'm insane.
    :hugs: Sounds like your anxiety is really affecting you. :sad: It won't be so bad explaining it to your parents hun. If they think you need them and they'll help you, take them and just tell your parents that they help. To use that old analogy, if you had a broken leg you'd put it in a cast and pop a ibuprofen! And about the UCAS thing, I didn't want to declare anything but my sister persuaded me to and the only thing that happened was I got an email after I received my offer telling me to meet up with the mental health co-ordinator to help me. I'd also recommend looking into the DSA if you think you'll have any ED/anxiety related academic problems at uni. They can give you a mentor to talk to and help you plan revision as well as help with equipment, which can be really useful if you're worried about things.
    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    It seems as though this is a difficult time for all of us. We seem to synchronise our feelings! Perhaps EDs are seasonal!! Haha.

    At any rate, despite the fact we are all enduring the same things and thus, we're freaking out and feel useless to others, we are helping our brethren more than we think.

    No matter what burdens you think you're going to be to others by posting - post. A problem shared is a problem halved.
    I actually think there's something to that! I do actually believe there's an odd kind of synchronisation going on because when I talk to my (other) friends with EDs, we all seem to have bad periods and better periods at the same time.
    Hope you're not too bad atm Toto. :hugs:

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    We do. The anxiety, is usally seasonal. Exam seasonal :/
    Oh God, exams! :sigh:
    Right now I have like two big (silly) fears. The first is uni. It sounds so silly but I'm terrified about the creative writing workshop- even though I've always loved them! I feel like they're going to give me a task I can't do and because I haven't written in so long I'm really rusty and I have this fear that I'm going to fail and everyone will secretly wonder what the hell I'm doing there. Apparently a 7 page portfolio that got me into a competitive course isn't enough validation for me. :rolleyes: But my block is just really awful and I don't even know what my writing is like anymore and everytime I read back my old stuff I'm like 'WTF is this?'. And I'm scared about deadlines and essays and feeling overwhelmed and stupid and lost. And I'm scared about food because... well, you know. :sigh:

    (Original post by Cinamon)
    I felt better for posting the other day - maybe it would help?

    snowflake i thought it would be the worst thing in the entire world if my mum found out about my meds. She inevitably found out, and although she doesn't agree with them, i'm so glad I told her. You're mature enough to not have to explain the ins and outs to your parents - but to let them in a little might be a good thing.

    Toto - definitely seasonal! Haha! It's gotten soooo cold here in the past few days - feels like winter
    I thought it was just me! I couldn't sleep last night because it was so cold! Winter messes with my brain.

    I'll make a post after this one. It'll be pretty brief.

    I love you guys. :hugs:
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    I give up.. I really have. Sorry guys. Good luck all of you be stronger than me.
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    I give up.. I really have. Sorry guys. Good luck all of you be stronger than me.
    :mob: Squiff, do you hear me? DON'T YOU DARE.

    You are stronger than this. People on here are not stronger than you, not necessarily, they might have come a further way and they might hvae been in a more critical position to start with, but ultimately they are made strong because they WILL keep fighting. And so will you. If you need to rant/talk/say anything just please let it out - so many people on here are going to worry about you if you leave with a post like that. We're still here and we still care and I can bet that all of us can't face the thought of another giving up. So you're not going to do this, 'kay? You're going to keep fighting and you're going to beat this and you're going to come out of it all twice as wise and as sure of the world because as much as EDs suck and tear your life apart recovering from them requires a very powerful source of character, and in finding that people can be such strong people in later life. You are going to be one of those people. You're going to come back and you're going to be okay and you're NOT GOING TO GIVE UP :hugs: :penguinhug: :jumphug:
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Finding it so hard to support others today, sorry.
    Finding it really hard to post on here too.
    There's so much I want to say that I don't feel like I can say because it either feels like I'm being overdramatic or I'm being negative. I'm still here though.
    :console:

    Spoiler:
    Show
    If it's too negative for here with regards to others' recovery, you can PM me? :jumphug: I can bet that it's not overdramatic and even if it is it doesn't matter; anxieties and fears just seem to have a habit of blowing themselves out of proportion. Just realised I have a hidden fear of returning to school, depicted by my dream in which I was in an exam with no clue what to do or what to write and just the sound of the clock in my ears:rolleyes:

    I can also bet that your writing is still lovely. Everyone gets surges of panic that they have 'lost' their style or ability to write (in brief surges it's writer's block - this, it's more like some a hybrid of anxiety and writer's block. Mutant, evil thing.) but you haven't, it'll come back and you'll be okay at that writing group because everyone will be just as nervous as you are, albeit for slightly different reasons.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :hugs: Sounds like your anxiety is really affecting you. :sad: It won't be so bad explaining it to your parents hun. If they think you need them and they'll help you, take them and just tell your parents that they help. To use that old analogy, if you had a broken leg you'd put it in a cast and pop a ibuprofen! And about the UCAS thing, I didn't want to declare anything but my sister persuaded me to and the only thing that happened was I got an email after I received my offer telling me to meet up with the mental health co-ordinator to help me. I'd also recommend looking into the DSA if you think you'll have any ED/anxiety related academic problems at uni. They can give you a mentor to talk to and help you plan revision as well as help with equipment, which can be really useful if you're worried about things.
    I can cope with the whole restricting quite a bit then eating 'too much' lark. Haven deliberately done that in over a year - so why am I actually even on here?? The anxiety, I'm fine round loads of people, parties etc are fine, just find them knackering. HATE,HATE,HATE with a passion talking infront of loads of people. Y11 Eng. Lit cwk, had to talk infront of my class of 25. Got up, said my intro, then sat down on the chair at the front because I felt like I was going to fall down. Y12Bio, had to do a ppt. presentation on something that interested me, did forensic etomology/ how they determine the time of death in a corpse. In my comments I get told ...'you were really animated when you told me what you were going to do, but this didn't come across in your presentation'. Well, what do you expect when I'm terrofied and have completely forgotten what I'm going to say.

    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Oh God, exams! :sigh:
    Right now I have like two big (silly) fears. The first is uni. It sounds so silly but I'm terrified about the creative writing workshop- even though I've always loved them! I feel like they're going to give me a task I can't do and because I haven't written in so long I'm really rusty and I have this fear that I'm going to fail and everyone will secretly wonder what the hell I'm doing there. Apparently a 7 page portfolio that got me into a competitive course isn't enough validation for me. :rolleyes: But my block is just really awful and I don't even know what my writing is like anymore and everytime I read back my old stuff I'm like 'WTF is this?'. And I'm scared about deadlines and essays and feeling overwhelmed and stupid and lost. And I'm scared about food because... well, you know. :sigh:
    DD, you'll do amazing on this 'ere creative writing course. Promise. They're not going to expect you to be like, JK Rowling on your first assignment.

    I thought it was just me! I couldn't sleep last night because it was so cold! Winter messes with my brain.

    Winter makes me feet hurt, and my legs and fingernails look a mess.

    I'll make a post after this one. It'll be pretty brief.

    I love you guys. :hugs:[/QUOTE]
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    (Original post by Lily Academia)
    :mob: Squiff, do you hear me? DON'T YOU DARE.

    You are stronger than this. People on here are not stronger than you, not necessarily, they might have come a further way and they might hvae been in a more critical position to start with, but ultimately they are made strong because they WILL keep fighting. And so will you. If you need to rant/talk/say anything just please let it out - so many people on here are going to worry about you if you leave with a post like that. We're still here and we still care and I can bet that all of us can't face the thought of another giving up. So you're not going to do this, 'kay? You're going to keep fighting and you're going to beat this and you're going to come out of it all twice as wise and as sure of the world because as much as EDs suck and tear your life apart recovering from them requires a very powerful source of character, and in finding that people can be such strong people in later life. You are going to be one of those people. You're going to come back and you're going to be okay and you're NOT GOING TO GIVE UP :hugs: :penguinhug: :jumphug:
    Lily's right, Squiff. This isn't a competition on how far down the line we've all gone, because the only competition the ED wants is how quickly it can kill you. Sorry to say it, but it's true : / If you give up, the ED will have won, and you don't want that, surely? No matter how bad things seem to be and how much you think nothing will ever change, there is always, always, life after an eating disorder. And when-I say when because I don't doubt you will make it through if you keep persevering-you'll be that much stronger and self-assured to face the world. Hang in there, please?
    I'd give you a hug but I'm such a TSR noob I don't know how!
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Finding it so hard to support others today, sorry.
    Finding it really hard to post on here too.
    There's so much I want to say that I don't feel like I can say because it either feels like I'm being overdramatic or I'm being negative. I'm still here though.
    I'm sure that your writing hasn't suffered, Diamond, it probably is all anxiety blowing things out of proportion and making them seem five times worse than they are. Have you tried returning to stream of consciousness style, like not aiming to write anything in particular but just whatever pops into your head? I find that's quite good for clearing your head when writer's block's getting in the way : )
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I'm sure that your writing hasn't suffered, Diamond, it probably is all anxiety blowing things out of proportion and making them seem five times worse than they are. Have you tried returning to stream of consciousness style, like not aiming to write anything in particular but just whatever pops into your head? I find that's quite good for clearing your head when writer's block's getting in the way : )
    Yeah, diamond - I agree 100% with Riku. You are putting pressure on yourself. Also often writing in a diary is less pressure as it's just for you, and you will find that your flare and writing style is just as clever and awesome as ever
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    I can cope with the whole restricting quite a bit then eating 'too much' lark. Haven deliberately done that in over a year - so why am I actually even on here?? The anxiety, I'm fine round loads of people, parties etc are fine, just find them knackering. HATE,HATE,HATE with a passion talking infront of loads of people. Y11 Eng. Lit cwk, had to talk infront of my class of 25. Got up, said my intro, then sat down on the chair at the front because I felt like I was going to fall down. Y12Bio, had to do a ppt. presentation on something that interested me, did forensic etomology/ how they determine the time of death in a corpse. In my comments I get told ...'you were really animated when you told me what you were going to do, but this didn't come across in your presentation'. Well, what do you expect when I'm terrofied and have completely forgotten what I'm going to say.


    DD, you'll do amazing on this 'ere creative writing course. Promise. They're not going to expect you to be like, JK Rowling on your first assignment.

    I thought it was just me! I couldn't sleep last night because it was so cold! Winter messes with my brain.

    Winter makes me feet hurt, and my legs and fingernails look a mess.

    I'll make a post after this one. It'll be pretty brief.

    I love you guys. :hugs:
    :penguinhug: It feels like winter is here ALREADY, doesn't it?! I am a blue hand/footed Raynaud's sufferer just like you. I really need to gets some good gloves soon (I have to cycle in each day, since the bus fees have risen to £600 A TERM and we don't quite have that much to splash.... :no: :sigh:)

    Also - I hope people don't hate cats? - I have new kittens, and one of them has a preliminary nickname 'The Cow' see picture for why :cute: This is not cute-cat-span. Promise.
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    (Original post by Lily Academia)
    :penguinhug: It feels like winter is here ALREADY, doesn't it?! I am a blue hand/footed Raynaud's sufferer just like you. I really need to gets some good gloves soon (I have to cycle in each day, since the bus fees have risen to £600 A TERM and we don't quite have that much to splash.... :no: :sigh:)

    Also - I hope people don't hate cats? - I have new kittens, and one of them has a preliminary nickname 'The Cow' see picture for why :cute: This is not cute-cat-span. Promise.
    Oooft. Thats 'spensive. I still need to go to the doctors about my shoddy circulation. I've spent the past.... 4 hours sat downstairs under two layers of blanket, a 15.0tog duvet, with boot socks on before I finally felt warm. Its just getting the time because tomorrow I'll spend pretty much all day doing my target round. And the whole spending 1.5hours in gods waiting room which is far too warm, will make me get too warm so he/she wont see how bad my hands/feet can get. AND I've got to walk to the doctors, which is like a half an hour walk.

    Edit: If I do spend that long waiting, I am going to walk in and basically say 'I think my circulation to my hands and feet is completely shot. And yes, I've done the whole 'wear lots of layers, were shoes with thick soles, wear thick socks. I own two pairs of thermal underwear, and I dont go outside of a long time without gloves on. Did that once. Nearly screamed when my hands warmed up again.
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    I give up.. I really have. Sorry guys. Good luck all of you be stronger than me.
    Like hell, you are! Obviously, it's your choice but I don't want you to leave, especially the way you've been feeling!
    Like Lily said, you have to keep fighting. I think every single one of us has felt weak and wanted to give up at some point! I know I have. Actually yesterday I was so tired that I typed out a page long post about everything that sucked and then deleted it. Fighting this ED is so hard, it might be the hardest thing any of us ever do. You're going to be like '**** this!' a million times a day sometimes, you're going to struggle and hate yourself and think you're a failure for not being better yet, you're going to cry and wish you'd never thought about getting better. But you're also going to laugh at Family Guy, you're also going to get up one day and think 'Wow, I don't feel like **** and it feels good!'. One day you're going to be genuinely happy and it won't be the BS fake happiness the ED gives you for 0.00000001 seconds in between feeling like doo doo. The way I see it is, if your brain can learn to get ill, it can learn to get un-ill! But it isn't going to happen in a couple of months.
    But it HAS to happen because I refuse to believe it won't. It doesn't mean that you're weak because you're struggling because everyone does, even 'normal' people without EDs/MH problems have their own struggles. What makes you strong is trying to get through it, regardless of what happens. I can't stand the thought of you giving up too! Not when you have so much to keep fighting for, not when you deserve SO much more and not when you've come so far. You probably can't see it but I'm so proud of you. Living with an ED is no way to live, especially as it will kill you. We all love you and we don't want you to get any worse. So you're getting your behind back on this thread and you're going to vent and talk to us and you're going to get the **** through this! That's an order!
    And as the ridiculously wise Lily and Riku have said, it's not a competition. I'm not ****** strong! I wish I was stronger. But all we can do is work with what we have and fight as hard as we can and try to get through it. I feel like a total hypocrite saying any of this because right now I'm getting whooped by the ED but I don't intend to stay down.

    Love you Squiffy! :jumphug: If you DO leave, please PM me or add me on FB or SOMETHING. I can't stand the thought of you being totally alone. :sad:
    (Original post by Lily Academia)
    :console:

    Spoiler:
    Show
    If it's too negative for here with regards to others' recovery, you can PM me? :jumphug: I can bet that it's not overdramatic and even if it is it doesn't matter; anxieties and fears just seem to have a habit of blowing themselves out of proportion. Just realised I have a hidden fear of returning to school, depicted by my dream in which I was in an exam with no clue what to do or what to write and just the sound of the clock in my ears:rolleyes:

    I can also bet that your writing is still lovely. Everyone gets surges of panic that they have 'lost' their style or ability to write (in brief surges it's writer's block - this, it's more like some a hybrid of anxiety and writer's block. Mutant, evil thing.) but you haven't, it'll come back and you'll be okay at that writing group because everyone will be just as nervous as you are, albeit for slightly different reasons.
    Thank you lovely! :hugs:
    Oh bloody insecurities, eh? You have nothing to worry about with school, you're going to do wonderfully! But that is pressure in itself isn't it? Whatever happens, you're going to be fine. And I don't mean that in the trite way people with no understanding of anything say it, I mean it in a whatever happens you're going to be fine way. Because you've been through so much already, you'll be ok *IF* anything else goes wrong. Yeah, that was fairly convoluted! I hope you know what I mean! :hugs:
    I can't even remember what was wrong!

    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    I can cope with the whole restricting quite a bit then eating 'too much' lark. Haven deliberately done that in over a year - so why am I actually even on here?? The anxiety, I'm fine round loads of people, parties etc are fine, just find them knackering. HATE,HATE,HATE with a passion talking infront of loads of people. Y11 Eng. Lit cwk, had to talk infront of my class of 25. Got up, said my intro, then sat down on the chair at the front because I felt like I was going to fall down. Y12Bio, had to do a ppt. presentation on something that interested me, did forensic etomology/ how they determine the time of death in a corpse. In my comments I get told ...'you were really animated when you told me what you were going to do, but this didn't come across in your presentation'. Well, what do you expect when I'm terrofied and have completely forgotten what I'm going to say.


    DD, you'll do amazing on this 'ere creative writing course. Promise. They're not going to expect you to be like, JK Rowling on your first assignment.

    I thought it was just me! I couldn't sleep last night because it was so cold! Winter messes with my brain.

    Winter makes me feet hurt, and my legs and fingernails look a mess.

    I'll make a post after this one. It'll be pretty brief.

    I love you guys. :hugs:
    [/QUOTE]

    :hugs: Oh Snowy! (Totally gonna call you that from now on, if you don't mind!)
    You're on here because you still need support. It doesn't matter if you feel like you have no reason to be here, you're here and that's what matters! And I like you being here, you're always so insightful and rather funny too!

    And thank you for the posts! I'm just being more than a little bit insecure. It's weird... even when I was crying on the lead up to results day absolutely certain I'd failed, deep down I had a feeling things would be ok. I kind of feel like that now but the anxiety makes it hard to remember that they aren't looking for perfection. :sigh:

    I hope you're all ok. I really care about you all so much! If I don't manage to post on here for a few days, don't worry. My internet is playing up.

    Lately I've been feeling so self conscious about everything I post on TSR and deleting things before I press submit reply and stuff. It's weird. The internet has always been the one place I felt like I could say whatever I wanted to (within reason) but now my self editing thing is getting a bit ridiculous. :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by diamonddust)

    :hugs: Oh Snowy! (Totally gonna call you that from now on, if you don't mind!)
    You're on here because you still need support. It doesn't matter if you feel like you have no reason to be here, you're here and that's what matters! And I like you being here, you're always so insightful and rather funny too!
    Awww tyvm. That is, sh!t you not, the nicest thing I've been told in... years. Does beat being told that 'Your good at the literature part of the A2 spec'. I did feel a bit like 'thanks sir for saying that you've noticed I can actually read'.

    I'll admit, when Custard had a redic. amount of milk on her MP, I did PM her a youtube link to the 'I'm here to kick ass and drink milk, and I've finished my milk' thing that Moss says on the IT crowd.

    DD, this'll sound a bit sick, so I'll spoiler it.
    Spoiler:
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    Atleast in your creative writing you could have a character with an ED who doesnt sound like a whiney ***** who does it just to be thin. Annoys me like hell when that happens in fanfic and the like.
 
 
 
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