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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    Lily, your love and support doesn't fall on an idle recipient. I truly appreciate it and just want to say everyone here giving me the support I need to fight this hasn't been a small contribution. It's absolutely been a massive boon to me. You all give me so much strength.

    It's just sometimes when something mad like this happens it weakens me and lets this mentality take over.

    "Who the hell eats 4000 calories in one day?"

    "Why would anyone do something so disgusting?"

    "You only need 1500. The consultant wants you to eat 2000 as a goal at your current point in recovery. You just doubled that. You sick, greedy man."

    It barks in your ear and tells you how you've failed not IT, but YOURSELF. How you gave in. You forget that the rules you live by were set by IT, and not YOU, but regardless, you still broke those rules you've lived by for so long. It hurts.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Liv, it's so true about the "control" aspect of things. This is perhaps why I find it so difficult. I KNOW I'm being controlled by this... disease. But in some ways, I use it as a mediator. It's the go-between guy. When I make a decision it gets relayed to the disorder first, and it tells me "yes" or "no".

    But knowing that tomorrow I will have gained at LEAST one "proper" pound and whatever in water/salt weight, it terrifies me. When I go to my scales as I will inevitably do, and see the number pop up at like 95lb or something will cripple me mentally. I'm happy to see it bounce up by .2 of a pound, or tiny amounts... you know, bit by bit - quantifiable. But the crazy blip where my body does the doubleyou-tee-eff thing...

    and now, my dad, saying how proud he is of going out and having a big proper meal with pals, has asked me to have some beers with him and watch a Blu-Ray he just bought tonight.

    I want to. I want to because my family has supported me to no end throughout this, to the point where dad says if I gain up to my minimum healthy (18.5 BMI of 8.5-8.8 stones) weight he will actually stop smoking (something he vowed, previously, impossible, but he admitted he would do even this to see me healthy). But my belt already feels so tight and my head is screaming at me as I type this out, and tears are in my eyes. I had such a great day, and if I didn't have this ****ing illness I bet this would've been the best day ever.

    But once again, the disorder shouts, screams, tells me how disgusting I'm being.

    Beers and films with dad after an amazing buffet feast and snacks, to a normal person, must seem ace. But to me, for some absurd reason, it feels like some sort of disgusting binge of uncontrolled excess.

    I apologise for my negativity, but this is the first time in ages I've felt overwhelmed...

    Tommy I’m SO sorry you’re having such a horrible evening!! Don’t really know what to say, want to give you a huge hug and let you get it all out. But, do not let this beat you! Don’t let it take you down again, you are in control of making yourself better and getting stronger, for you! Don’t let this be one of those moments when you let this horrible disease take control of you again, there is no point. You are still in control, it’s a perfectly normal thing to have evenings like this and whilst it makes you feel absolutely horrendous at the time and this condition magnifies it DO NOT dwell. Tomorrow is a new day and you’ll be in control of making sure you keep on going, could you not weigh yourself, so you don't know you have gained a little weight (albeit only water) and then maybe it wouldn't seem so scary. I’ve been following your story and you’ve been doing so amazingly, you know that. You look and sound a lot happier and healthier. Just a blip. Sorry, this hasn’t exactly been inspiring, couldn’t just read it and not say anything. I’m thinking of you especially this evening!! Don’t let this change things, you are stronger than this Tommy, I believe in you!! x x
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Lily, your love and support doesn't fall on an idle recipient. I truly appreciate it and just want to say everyone here giving me the support I need to fight this hasn't been a small contribution. It's absolutely been a massive boon to me. You all give me so much strength.

    It's just sometimes when something mad like this happens it weakens me and lets this mentality take over.

    "Who the hell eats 4000 calories in one day?"

    "Why would anyone do something so disgusting?"

    "You only need 1500. The consultant wants you to eat 2000 as a goal at your current point in recovery. You just doubled that. You sick, greedy man."

    It barks in your ear and tells you how you've failed not IT, but YOURSELF. How you gave in. You forget that the rules you live by were set by IT, and not YOU, but regardless, you still broke those rules you've lived by for so long. It hurts.
    'Who the hell eats 4000 calories in one day?' I expect we all have, at some point.

    'Why would anyone do something so disgusting?' Because it's not disgusting; it's normally down to the situation, the atmosphere. At the time was it disgusting? Or was it the aftermath: the dawning realisation that you've eaten more than a normal day's regimented 'allowance'. Food has always been a mechanism to share love and something to aid celebration. It's not wrong. It's not disgusting. It's just food.

    This mindset is your ED and it's mendacious and awful and doesn't think about the fact that actually, over consuming one day isn't so bad - that it's normal. That you, as a person, are human and that mistakes are always going to be made.

    I know it hurts. But in the long run - that hurt is going to fade, to the point where it's barely noticeable. It might not disappear completely, but you won't feel like this forever. I wish there was something more I could do - say, even, since I'm meant to be revising poetry right now (it can wait ) - but don't forget that there's nothing wrong with what you did or even how you're feeling. We all feel negative sometimes (I can be very cynical and anxious and all those other things - the only difference is that they're triggered from silly worries about exams and other trivial bits of life, and don't stem from food) and there's nothing wrong with that.

    I hope you feel a bit better soon. Oh, and I reckon you should go watch that DVD - if you can't bring yourself to eat much or drink that's okay - I think being with family might help, even if only a little.

    A final *stiff-rigid-awkward-hug* and I best be off. I’ll go revise poetry, you watch that DVD :hugs:
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    I can't face explaining by whole story right now but... I've been trying really really hard for the last year, thought I was 'recovered' - put on loads of weight, my family all trust me to eat without being watched - and I'm totally relapsing. I'm home alone tonight, haven't eaten for three days and I'm so hungry. I just want to have dinner, how ****ing pathetic is that?! The stupid thing is that I love food. I've been planning all these meals in my head for the last two hours but there's just no way I can get myself to actually make or eat anything. What do I do?
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    I can't face explaining by whole story right now but... I've been trying really really hard for the last year, thought I was 'recovered' - put on loads of weight, my family all trust me to eat without being watched - and I'm totally relapsing. I'm home alone tonight, haven't eaten for three days and I'm so hungry. I just want to have dinner, how ****ing pathetic is that?! The stupid thing is that I love food. I've been planning all these meals in my head for the last two hours but there's just no way I can get myself to actually make or eat anything. What do I do?
    Start with something small if dinner seems too much to manage, even just a snack like a yoghurt or some fruit or something. Does it help you to distract yourself while you're eating, so you can focus on the TV or something rather than the constant focus on food? If it's helpful, come and rant on here at the same time as eating, so there are people online to support you!

    I can relate 100% to what you're saying. Somehow when I'm with my family I seem 'fine', and then as soon as I'm alone I struggle again. For me it's the guilt, I feel like I have to justify everything I eat. And when I'm alone I don't know how to justify it because it's like I'm choosing to do it rather than doing it because I have to.

    But you do have to eat. Someone on another site said this to me, but think of it as fuel for your body. Your body can't run without food, it needs it to keep functioning.
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    Start with something small if dinner seems too much to manage, even just a snack like a yoghurt or some fruit or something. Does it help you to distract yourself while you're eating, so you can focus on the TV or something rather than the constant focus on food? If it's helpful, come and rant on here at the same time as eating, so there are people online to support you!

    I can relate 100% to what you're saying. Somehow when I'm with my family I seem 'fine', and then as soon as I'm alone I struggle again. For me it's the guilt, I feel like I have to justify everything I eat. And when I'm alone I don't know how to justify it because it's like I'm choosing to do it rather than doing it because I have to.

    But you do have to eat. Someone on another site said this to me, but think of it as fuel for your body. Your body can't run without food, it needs it to keep functioning.
    Thanks, I'm going to have an apple and see how it goes. I know the fuel thing, that's what makes this so frustrating! I'm just about to sit my A2s, I made myself stay in tonight so I could focus on revising and now I'm just sat here worrying about food instead... It's like my rational mind understands that I need to eat to have energy to concentrate on my work, and the other part of me is telling me that if I eat then I'll lose control and I'll fail all my exams :/ Ugh it's so ridiculous! It's going to be even worse at uni when I don't have someone watching me 24/7. Ffs, I think today is just one of those days, you know!
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Thanks, I'm going to have an apple and see how it goes. I know the fuel thing, that's what makes this so frustrating! I'm just about to sit my A2s, I made myself stay in tonight so I could focus on revising and now I'm just sat here worrying about food instead... It's like my rational mind understands that I need to eat to have energy to concentrate on my work, and the other part of me is telling me that if I eat then I'll lose control and I'll fail all my exams :/ Ugh it's so ridiculous! It's going to be even worse at uni when I don't have someone watching me 24/7. Ffs, I think today is just one of those days, you know!
    Ahh, you have no idea how much I can relate, I could have written that myself.

    I've got my last two final year uni exams on Monday and Tuesday, and I've barely eaten yesterday and not had anything today. And like you said, I know I need energy to concentrate and to sleep well before them (is it just me who finds it really hard to sleep at night when I'm restricting a lot sometimes?) and I know it's not worth the risk of screwing up exams... and yet I'm sitting here thinking about weight and food and not eating instead of revision. :\

    Well done for eating the apple, I know it's a big mental block to overcome to let yourself start eating. Try to have something else later though, it will be ok.
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    (Original post by Liv1204)
    Ahh, you have no idea how much I can relate, I could have written that myself.

    I've got my last two final year uni exams on Monday and Tuesday, and I've barely eaten yesterday and not had anything today. And like you said, I know I need energy to concentrate and to sleep well before them (is it just me who finds it really hard to sleep at night when I'm restricting a lot sometimes?) and I know it's not worth the risk of screwing up exams... and yet I'm sitting here thinking about weight and food and not eating instead of revision. :\

    Well done for eating the apple, I know it's a big mental block to overcome to let yourself start eating. Try to have something else later though, it will be ok.
    Ah thank you so much for replying, I feel better just knowing there's people here with the same stuff going on ( although obviously I'd much prefer for you to be well and eating and all prepared for exams!) - and yes, totally know what you mean about the sleeping thing
    Thanks, I know there's a packet of water crackers in the cupboard so I might aim for a couple of those in a bit. Might attempt to start some actual work now, ha thank you though
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Ah thank you so much for replying, I feel better just knowing there's people here with the same stuff going on ( although obviously I'd much prefer for you to be well and eating and all prepared for exams!) - and yes, totally know what you mean about the sleeping thing
    Thanks, I know there's a packet of water crackers in the cupboard so I might aim for a couple of those in a bit. Might attempt to start some actual work now, ha thank you though
    Seems that we are suffering from opposite ends within the same disorder tonight m'dear.

    Don't keep putting it off and putting it off though. If you don't grasp your opportunity amidst your optimistic time, you'll just get apathetic and not eat again.

    Please seize the opportunity now, kebab! XXX


    I've started to calm down about my anxiety earlier. I figure I'm still clinging wildly to this notion that I need to be in control of *how* I gain weight, when in reality, I can only properly liberate myself by breaking the chains properly and being more free and frivolous.

    My dad and I had a long talk.

    "Did you eat more than anyone else at that table today?" no. No I didn't.

    "Did you enjoy it as much as them?" Of course I did. Probably more so.

    "Then why are you so worried?" I'm worried because I let the stupid ED calculate things again, try to quantify things.


    If I let it be a food calculator every time I consume something I'll never ever be free of the disorder. But how to stifle the voice, allowing me to calm down?

    That's the real trick...
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)


    If I let it be a food calculator every time I consume something I'll never ever be free of the disorder. But how to stifle the voice telling me to calm down?

    That's the real trick...
    *hugs* whilst I've never had an eating disorder I can *kind of* relate to that. I'm not in anyway trying to compare my situation to yours - It's really nothing like it -
    But basically I used to have a crippling fear of spiders. So bad I wouldn't leave my room at night, I checked corners of every room I walked into, and even felt clammy when I saw pictures of spiders. (like, a proper anxiety attack. If I saw one I wouldn't stop shaking/crying for ages).

    I ended up getting CBT.

    Now for the relevant part: I always felt like I had a voice in my head telling me RUN FROM THAT SPIDER MUST GET AWAY e.t.c. It was almost like a reflex. I didn't know how to 'ignore' that reflex, so to speak. What *I* felt turned the corner was the following exchange:
    Therapist: "Why are you scared?"
    Me: "Because it might crawl on me."
    T:" What do you think might happen if it crawled on you?"

    I couldn't answer him. And so can't answer that 'voice'/reflex. Don't get me wrong - I still feel horrible when I feel a spider - but it's improving, slowly. Every time I see a spider I just keep repeating that idea until I've dealt with it

    My point is, you *are* making really good progress, and there will probably come a time where things start to make a lot more sense to you, and perhaps from then on, you *might* find things like this a bit easier to deal with. Things seem hard right now, but they will get better.

    Good luck to you and everyone else
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Seems that we are suffering from opposite ends within the same disorder tonight m'dear.

    Don't keep putting it off and putting it off though. If you don't grasp your opportunity amidst your optimistic time, you'll just get apathetic and not eat again.

    Please seize the opportunity now, kebab! XXX


    I've started to calm down about my anxiety earlier. I figure I'm still clinging wildly to this notion that I need to be in control of *how* I gain weight, when in reality, I can only properly liberate myself by breaking the chains properly and being more free and frivolous.

    My dad and I had a long talk.

    "Did you eat more than anyone else at that table today?" no. No I didn't.

    "Did you enjoy it as much as them?" Of course I did. Probably more so.

    "Then why are you so worried?" I'm worried because I let the stupid ED calculate things again, try to quantify things.


    If I let it be a food calculator every time I consume something I'll never ever be free of the disorder. But how to stifle the voice, allowing me to calm down?

    That's the real trick...
    Ah it would seem so. I can totally empathise with what you're saying, but I know it's so difficult to compare yourself to other people. It's like no, I didn't eat as much as anyone else there, but I don't 'deserve' to eat as much as they do - or maybe I'm superior because I have the 'willpower' to restrain myself whereas they carry on eating more than they 'should'.

    I can't tell you how to stifle the voice (personally I find sometimes colouring works for me, I know it sounds so childish but that's kind of the point - it's comforting in a childish, mindless way) but can I just say I think it's so great that you have such a good relationship with your dad. I have friends I can talk to like that sometimes but I'd never speak to my mum so openly - I haven't ever discussed my ED with her, even when she had to pick me up from hospital, we just carry on like nothing's happened and she yells at me if she finds out I haven't been eating again. Anyway, I didn't mean to talk about that, all I mean is that I think it's a real achievement to have built up that kind of openness so well done
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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    Thanks, I'm going to have an apple and see how it goes. I know the fuel thing, that's what makes this so frustrating! I'm just about to sit my A2s, I made myself stay in tonight so I could focus on revising and now I'm just sat here worrying about food instead... It's like my rational mind understands that I need to eat to have energy to concentrate on my work, and the other part of me is telling me that if I eat then I'll lose control and I'll fail all my exams :/ Ugh it's so ridiculous! It's going to be even worse at uni when I don't have someone watching me 24/7. Ffs, I think today is just one of those days, you know!
    :hugs: Well done on the apple hun. Wow, I could have written that. I'm having one of those days too. I have my exam on Tuesday and Thursday and I'm just in a really weird state. I woke up today and thought that I'd try and eat more and then I had lunch for the first time in months, even challenged myself with a small bit of lemon cake for a treat and dealt with it ok by telling myself even empty calories count as fuel and I'd wanted cake for ages. Then it all went wrong when my mum came home and brought back a packet of oreos. There's a reason I don't have biscuits and chocolate in the house. I have one and then my head screams at me and says I've ruined everything and I end up eating it all just to get rid of it because I can't throw it away and then I end up compensating. It happens everytime I try to eat 'enough' and it scares me.

    I know that I haven't actually eaten much in terms of calories but I feel so guilty and disgusting and like a failure for even TRYING to eat more. And of course, I didn't get much revision done because I was stressing about eating and worrying.
    And my sister's friend came round and the last time
    I saw her was when I was in hospital and she hugged me and said I was 'all there', I.e. I'd gained weight and I love her and I know she meant it in a 'you look better than you did last time I saw you' way but I feel so disgusting and I had to eat my dinner in front of her and my sister's other friend and I ended up taking ages because I felt so awkward and I didn't want to eat anyway.
    I think there was talk about going out to breakfast tomorrow and I'm in one of those 'never want to eat again' moods. I think it's the stress of A levels combined with the stress that's been building up for ages. :dontknow: I'll be ok.
    I hope you'll be ok. Try again tomorrow- just keep fighting and don't give up. Sooner or later it has to get easier?
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    I feel like a real evil person saying this but I feel like reading this thread has been fuelling the anorexia in me, not good. And now I can't stop reading all the posts when I know I should. Is there anyone someone can block me from it? :| :'(
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    Melissa, just remember what the anorexia entails. It entails nothing but mental torture. It's like quicksand/quagmire; the more you struggle when you're stuck in it, the deeper it pulls you in, and you're left consumed by nothing but regimented, controlled numbers.

    It's food mathematics. Nothing becomes enjoyable any more. Fun is shunned in favour of routine. Spontaneity is abolished in the pursuit of false security.

    Melissa, the path we are currently on is not a path. It's a conveyorbelt into a furnace, and only we can choose to scramble off it. Staying still or moving forward towards anorexic goals is simply hastening a painful death, the problem is some of us have bounds to untie before we can escape.

    Don't do it sweetheart. Nobody needs to feel more pain in their lives. xxx
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Melissa, just remember what the anorexia entails. It entails nothing but mental torture. It's like quicksand/quagmire; the more you struggle when you're stuck in it, the deeper it pulls you in, and you're left consumed by nothing but regimented, controlled numbers.

    It's food mathematics. Nothing becomes enjoyable any more. Fun is shunned in favour of routine. Spontaneity is abolished in the pursuit of false security.

    Melissa, the path we are currently on is not a path. It's a conveyorbelt into a furnace, and only we can choose to scramble off it. Staying still or moving forward towards anorexic goals is simply hastening a painful death, the problem is some of us have bounds to untie before we can escape.

    Don't do it sweetheart. Nobody needs to feel more pain in their lives. xxx
    Wow, that post was just like a slap in the face to the irrational anorexic thoughts I was starting to have. I needed a good shake, and that did the job. Thank you so much. X
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    Sweetpea, I'm not saying it to be dramatic, you know what anorexia is. It's not a tag, it's not a simple disease, it engulfs and becomes your entire life.

    To consider anorexic thoughts is like trying to be the only person fighting to get IN to the burning building.
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    The most frustrating thing is, I know this. You know this. We all know it, we're intelligent people. But we still do it? It's the only aspect I just can't understand why or how. With any other dangerous life-threatening situations, my mind and body will instinctly pull me away from it, i'll retreat. Yet with this, I cling..or it does. I feel like nobody ever fully breaks free and it'll be the same for me.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    :hugs: Well done on the apple hun. Wow, I could have written that. I'm having one of those days too. I have my exam on Tuesday and Thursday and I'm just in a really weird state. I woke up today and thought that I'd try and eat more and then I had lunch for the first time in months, even challenged myself with a small bit of lemon cake for a treat and dealt with it ok by telling myself even empty calories count as fuel and I'd wanted cake for ages. Then it all went wrong when my mum came home and brought back a packet of oreos. There's a reason I don't have biscuits and chocolate in the house. I have one and then my head screams at me and says I've ruined everything and I end up eating it all just to get rid of it because I can't throw it away and then I end up compensating. It happens everytime I try to eat 'enough' and it scares me.

    I know that I haven't actually eaten much in terms of calories but I feel so guilty and disgusting and like a failure for even TRYING to eat more. And of course, I didn't get much revision done because I was stressing about eating and worrying.
    And my sister's friend came round and the last time
    I saw her was when I was in hospital and she hugged me and said I was 'all there', I.e. I'd gained weight and I love her and I know she meant it in a 'you look better than you did last time I saw you' way but I feel so disgusting and I had to eat my dinner in front of her and my sister's other friend and I ended up taking ages because I felt so awkward and I didn't want to eat anyway.
    I think there was talk about going out to breakfast tomorrow and I'm in one of those 'never want to eat again' moods. I think it's the stress of A levels combined with the stress that's been building up for ages. :dontknow: I'll be ok.
    I hope you'll be ok. Try again tomorrow- just keep fighting and don't give up. Sooner or later it has to get easier?
    I could have written basically this entire thing too! Ah I'm so glad I've found this thread I guess it's just a battle between your rational mind and your ED; obviously at times like this it's going to get more difficult. It's just a kick in the teeth because I thought it had 'got easier', thought I'd got better, and really when I think back I've just been in denial. I've been trying so hard for so long now and it just feels like it was all in vain
    But yes, we will try again tomorrow. Well done on the cake by the way, so know what you mean there as well! And it never tastes quite as good as you were expecting, does it? But tomorrow I'll start over and it will be okay
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    I feel like a real evil person saying this but I feel like reading this thread has been fuelling the anorexia in me, not good. And now I can't stop reading all the posts when I know I should. Is there anyone someone can block me from it? :| :'(
    Hey, I don't know if it is possible to block yourself from thread but I really think, for your own sake, you ought to. I have a couple of friends who have/had EDs and unfortunately you do have to make the distinction between how important that friendship is and how triggering it is to spend time with them. In the end one of them has got much better, the other I've had to kind of distance myself from whenever I feel 'better'. It sounds horrible but at the end of the day I know that spending time with her when I'm doing well will only send me backwards and that will make me resent her in the long run. So yeah, just think it might be best for you to try to stop yourself reading it, however much you want to!
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    (Original post by MelissaJayne)
    I feel like a real evil person saying this but I feel like reading this thread has been fuelling the anorexia in me, not good. And now I can't stop reading all the posts when I know I should. Is there anyone someone can block me from it? :| :'(
    :hugs: You could speak to a mod on the Ask a Moderator section. I'm sure they can do something. I'm sorry if I've been a part of the triggering. :sad: I understand why you want to be blocked, sometimes you need the distance. :hugs:
    Just before I came on here I was thinking I spend far too much time on this thread, but then this is the first thread I've actually found supportive. I've been on other support websites and they've made me worse because they're too triggering. Even recovery orientated websites trigger me because I feel guilty for not doing as well as the people there. :confused: You have to do what will keep you safe. And, I lost you on my 'who quoted me' sidebar thing so I'll just say it here- thank you so much for your post of support, it was really just what I needed to read. :hugs:
    Please take care of yourself. <3
 
 
 
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