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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

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    (Original post by Lily Academia)
    :penguinhug: It feels like winter is here ALREADY, doesn't it?! I am a blue hand/footed Raynaud's sufferer just like you. I really need to gets some good gloves soon (I have to cycle in each day, since the bus fees have risen to £600 A TERM and we don't quite have that much to splash.... :no: :sigh:)

    Also - I hope people don't hate cats? - I have new kittens, and one of them has a preliminary nickname 'The Cow' see picture for why :cute: This is not cute-cat-span. Promise.
    Awwwwwwwwww! He kind of reminds me of my old kitten. I'll see if I can take a picture of the picture.

    £600 a term? Wow. That's awful, where do they think people are going to get the money from? I've never felt so happy to live in London. You get free travel if you're 11-18 or in full time education. I'm going to miss it.

    Edit: My old kitty cat! :love:

    http://i772.photobucket.com/albums/y...t23/photo6.jpg
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Awww tyvm. That is, sh!t you not, the nicest thing I've been told in... years. Does beat being told that 'Your good at the literature part of the A2 spec'. I did feel a bit like 'thanks sir for saying that you've noticed I can actually read'.

    I'll admit, when Custard had a redic. amount of milk on her MP, I did PM her a youtube link to the 'I'm here to kick ass and drink milk, and I've finished my milk' thing that Moss says on the IT crowd.

    DD, this'll sound a bit sick, so I'll spoiler it.
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    Atleast in your creative writing you could have a character with an ED who doesnt sound like a whiney ***** who does it just to be thin. Annoys me like hell when that happens in fanfic and the like.
    :hugs: That says more about other people than it does about you!
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    Doesn't sound sick! It pisses me the HELL off when people without (or even with!!) EDs make it sound like it's some superficial persuit of thinness. Recent example: Some girl in the Daily Fail saying she became anorexic to be as thin as Cheryl Cole. Really? :rolleyes: Grrr. I thought my insight was awful!
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Like hell, you are! Obviously, it's your choice but I don't want you to leave, especially the way you've been feeling!
    Like Lily said, you have to keep fighting. I think every single one of us has felt weak and wanted to give up at some point! I know I have. Actually yesterday I was so tired that I typed out a page long post about everything that sucked and then deleted it. Fighting this ED is so hard, it might be the hardest thing any of us ever do. You're going to be like '**** this!' a million times a day sometimes, you're going to struggle and hate yourself and think you're a failure for not being better yet, you're going to cry and wish you'd never thought about getting better. But you're also going to laugh at Family Guy, you're also going to get up one day and think 'Wow, I don't feel like **** and it feels good!'. One day you're going to be genuinely happy and it won't be the BS fake happiness the ED gives you for 0.00000001 seconds in between feeling like doo doo. The way I see it is, if your brain can learn to get ill, it can learn to get un-ill! But it isn't going to happen in a couple of months.
    But it HAS to happen because I refuse to believe it won't. It doesn't mean that you're weak because you're struggling because everyone does, even 'normal' people without EDs/MH problems have their own struggles. What makes you strong is trying to get through it, regardless of what happens. I can't stand the thought of you giving up too! Not when you have so much to keep fighting for, not when you deserve SO much more and not when you've come so far. You probably can't see it but I'm so proud of you. Living with an ED is no way to live, especially as it will kill you. We all love you and we don't want you to get any worse. So you're getting your behind back on this thread and you're going to vent and talk to us and you're going to get the **** through this! That's an order!
    And as the ridiculously wise Lily and Riku have said, it's not a competition. I'm not ****** strong! I wish I was stronger. But all we can do is work with what we have and fight as hard as we can and try to get through it. I feel like a total hypocrite saying any of this because right now I'm getting whooped by the ED but I don't intend to stay down.

    Love you Squiffy! :jumphug: If you DO leave, please PM me or add me on FB or SOMETHING. I can't stand the thought of you being totally alone. :sad:
    Thankyou so much for your support and encouragement, don't worry i'll pm you with what i'm doing and stuff if i feel that i can't post. Not feeling to well at the moment - passed out earlier in a resturant got the shakes and stuff i think i was overtired. Luckily the managers my friend and i went to see people rather than for a meal so i just went into the back office for a nap and got driven home when it closed. It's embarrassing as **** though

    Yesterday the reason i freaked out was because my friend told me that a few people think that the reason i'm not better is because i don't want to be better and that it's an attention seeking thing. It made me angry but most of all upset - obviously i don't want to be ill at times i don't want to get better but that's only because getting better is scary. The idea of it just made me want to pretend i don't have an ED which is what i'm going to do now - i feel like i'm going backwards into the secretive stage rather than it being in the open. I feel like i can't trust anyone and i don't want to know anyone anymore because they don't like me. It's not true i know but i don't know who said it which is what pisses me off the most because i feel like everyone is being ****ing two faced.

    I love you to

    Likewise if you ever feel the need to talk to someone you can pm me, you can say anything to me it doesn't need to be sugar coated it's important you get your honest feelings across and don't worry about what you say like people have said to me theres no need to pretend your fine when inside your hurting

    Hope things improve for you to!!! I'm sure they will because your strong and extremely clever


    (Original post by Riku)
    Lily's right, Squiff. This isn't a competition on how far down the line we've all gone, because the only competition the ED wants is how quickly it can kill you. Sorry to say it, but it's true : / If you give up, the ED will have won, and you don't want that, surely? No matter how bad things seem to be and how much you think nothing will ever change, there is always, always, life after an eating disorder. And when-I say when because I don't doubt you will make it through if you keep persevering-you'll be that much stronger and self-assured to face the world. Hang in there, please?
    I'd give you a hug but I'm such a TSR noob I don't know how!
    Thanks - my reply will be a bit ****ed because i don't know how to structure a reply to so many people without repeating myself from what i wrote to DD. I don't know what i'm giving up on to be honest with you I am confused as to who i am and what i want and i keep changing my mind. I don't think i'm going to let the eating disorder win I don't think it can win. I don't want to moan on here anymore so i'll leave my reply here i just wanted to say thanks because it's good to feel that i have support from people who care and understand that i don't want this and i can't just change and stop.

    (Original post by Lily Academia)
    :mob: Squiff, do you hear me? DON'T YOU DARE.

    You are stronger than this. People on here are not stronger than you, not necessarily, they might have come a further way and they might hvae been in a more critical position to start with, but ultimately they are made strong because they WILL keep fighting. And so will you. If you need to rant/talk/say anything just please let it out - so many people on here are going to worry about you if you leave with a post like that. We're still here and we still care and I can bet that all of us can't face the thought of another giving up. So you're not going to do this, 'kay? You're going to keep fighting and you're going to beat this and you're going to come out of it all twice as wise and as sure of the world because as much as EDs suck and tear your life apart recovering from them requires a very powerful source of character, and in finding that people can be such strong people in later life. You are going to be one of those people. You're going to come back and you're going to be okay and you're NOT GOING TO GIVE UP :hugs: :penguinhug: :jumphug:
    People don't need to worry about me thankyou for your reply nice and forceful just what i needed had a difficult day but everyone has them and i probably over reacted i was upset and frustrated and just can't express myself well. I don't want to fight my ED anymore i wish it would just ****ing go away i hate it. i HATE that i can feel so happy when it isn't a part of my life yano for a few hours when i don't have to think about food or worry about it but obviously eventually you have to think about food and it all becomes hard. I think i'm finding it so difficult at the moment because i seem to flick between feeling completely cured and completely ill, it seemed easier when it was just a constant state and the way my life was. My ED won't beat me, it won't but i think i'm going to give fighting it a rest for a while. Obviously i'm not a complete idiot and while i'm not posting encouraging and optimistic messages i won't be posting.






    No need to worry guys, i'll get back on track soon.


    LOVE YOU ALL !!!!!!!!! :hugs: xxxxx
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    Thankyou so much for your support and encouragement, don't worry i'll pm you with what i'm doing and stuff if i feel that i can't post. Not feeling to well at the moment - passed out earlier in a resturant got the shakes and stuff i think i was overtired. Luckily the managers my friend and i went to see people rather than for a meal so i just went into the back office for a nap and got driven home when it closed. It's embarrassing as **** though

    Yesterday the reason i freaked out was because my friend told me that a few people think that the reason i'm not better is because i don't want to be better and that it's an attention seeking thing. It made me angry but most of all upset - obviously i don't want to be ill at times i don't want to get better but that's only because getting better is scary. The idea of it just made me want to pretend i don't have an ED which is what i'm going to do now - i feel like i'm going backwards into the secretive stage rather than it being in the open. I feel like i can't trust anyone and i don't want to know anyone anymore because they don't like me. It's not true i know but i don't know who said it which is what pisses me off the most because i feel like everyone is being ****ing two faced.

    I love you to

    Likewise if you ever feel the need to talk to someone you can pm me, you can say anything to me it doesn't need to be sugar coated it's important you get your honest feelings across and don't worry about what you say like people have said to me theres no need to pretend your fine when inside your hurting

    Hope things improve for you to!!! I'm sure they will because your strong and extremely clever




    Thanks - my reply will be a bit ****ed because i don't know how to structure a reply to so many people without repeating myself from what i wrote to DD. I don't know what i'm giving up on to be honest with you I am confused as to who i am and what i want and i keep changing my mind. I don't think i'm going to let the eating disorder win I don't think it can win. I don't want to moan on here anymore so i'll leave my reply here i just wanted to say thanks because it's good to feel that i have support from people who care and understand that i don't want this and i can't just change and stop.



    People don't need to worry about me thankyou for your reply nice and forceful just what i needed had a difficult day but everyone has them and i probably over reacted i was upset and frustrated and just can't express myself well. I don't want to fight my ED anymore i wish it would just ****ing go away i hate it. i HATE that i can feel so happy when it isn't a part of my life yano for a few hours when i don't have to think about food or worry about it but obviously eventually you have to think about food and it all becomes hard. I think i'm finding it so difficult at the moment because i seem to flick between feeling completely cured and completely ill, it seemed easier when it was just a constant state and the way my life was. My ED won't beat me, it won't but i think i'm going to give fighting it a rest for a while. Obviously i'm not a complete idiot and while i'm not posting encouraging and optimistic messages i won't be posting.






    No need to worry guys, i'll get back on track soon.


    LOVE YOU ALL !!!!!!!!! :hugs: xxxxx
    Aw hun. :sad:

    I hear you on the attention seeking thing, my MUM said that to me a couple of days ago. It just feels like the worst betrayal ever! I hate how people who have no idea what it feels like act that you not being better is some sort of character flaw and is a case of you not wanting it enough. I don't think there are many people with eating disorders who can say they've wanted recovery 100% of the time. About your friends, it's not that they don't like you, I think they're making the typical mistake of thinking you are your illness. They don't like the illness because they can see what it's doing to you. I think it's out of order that they'd say that about you and don't even bother raising their concerns to you. Sounds horribly *****y. You know it isn't true? I really hate that all you're doing is just *being* and people feel the need to say that you're doing something wrong and want attention when all you're doing is trying to live- even though in reality you're slowly killing yourself. :sad: I really just want to hug you. I know it's hard but for me, nobody cares so I've never had to hide anything. My parents just point blank ignore(d) my restricting which makes/made it really easy to carry on. They have the 'Fine, kill yourself. We're not going to do anything' attitude which is kind of great but kind of.... not.
    People are kind of two-faced, in general and regarding this illness, I find. The secretive stage is awful, you HAVE to talk about it because the second you stop, the ED has a chance to get even worse and go mad because you can't get it out of you. At least talking about it will help you realise just how things are. You may not be able to talk about it to people in r/l (I can't. I just talk about it online and to professionals), you should at least talk about it to people online (:wavey:) or even find a local ED support group or something? Isolation just... God, I can't even think about how bad things get when you feel totally alone. You ain't so dumb yourself lady! But seriously, please please please consider staying here. You can spoiler absolutely everything! I'm not the best person in the world to give 'proper' advice and you'll get a variety of perspectives on here and if you just want to vent, say so and no-one will comment. You can even come back and delete it if you want. Regardless of whether you tell us not to worry, we still will!
    I'm glad you'll PM me though. :hugs:
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Awww tyvm. That is, sh!t you not, the nicest thing I've been told in... years. Does beat being told that 'Your good at the literature part of the A2 spec'. I did feel a bit like 'thanks sir for saying that you've noticed I can actually read'.

    I'll admit, when Custard had a redic. amount of milk on her MP, I did PM her a youtube link to the 'I'm here to kick ass and drink milk, and I've finished my milk' thing that Moss says on the IT crowd.

    DD, this'll sound a bit sick, so I'll spoiler it.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Atleast in your creative writing you could have a character with an ED who doesnt sound like a whiney ***** who does it just to be thin. Annoys me like hell when that happens in fanfic and the like.
    Oh my goodness this made me laugh so much :hugs:

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    one of my best friends in the entire world is writing a book at the moment and one of her missions is to depict how EDs are NOT about vanity or attention or ANYTHING like that. It's only a plot arc, but her role plays a pivotal one and fights against all the stupid stereotypes people place on those suffering with an ED; it's not glamorous, it's not self-centred. It's awful and she has made me cry countless times reading through her chapter drafts. It gets me so worked up when anyone mentions how people must just 'want to be thin' and are doing it 'to get noticed'; if anything, EDs are about making yourself disappear :grumble: - anyway, she's a fantastic writer and has a very lost a very close friend due to an ED. She is going to be amazing and when - yep, not if - she gets her book published I shall post a link on here for people to see :yep:


    I also hope visiting the doctor goes okay - have you tried mentioning Raynaud's yet? They normally listen when you mention that - yours sounds pretty severe (exacerbated by a low-body-fat too probably :sadnod:) so I hope hope hope they get you something for it; there is medication you can take. My friend had some and found it helped with the purple toes
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    (Original post by Lily Academia)

    I also hope visiting the doctor goes okay - have you tried mentioning Raynaud's yet? They normally listen when you mention that - yours sounds pretty severe (exacerbated by a low-body-fat too probably :sadnod:) so I hope hope hope they get you something for it; there is medication you can take. My friend had some and found it helped with the purple toes
    Havent gone yet. Have no idea when its a turn up, sit and wait for ages thing. DEffo not made worse by a low BF%. I'm technically a bit heavy for my height. I've quite slender fingers though.
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    Havent gone yet. Have no idea when its a turn up, sit and wait for ages thing. DEffo not made worse by a low BF%. I'm technically a bit heavy for my height. I've quite slender fingers though.
    Okay. Have you ever experienced your fingers actually going corpse-pale-white? That's a classic symptom of Raynaud's. I think I only have it relatively mildly (my fingers only go white when I've been in the sea) but it's made worse by the fact that I have really quite poor blood circulation. Also, are you particularly tall? If you are and don't experience finger tips whitening the chances are that it's a circulation issue. That's the difficult thing - differentiating between the two.

    Listen, proving it should not be your priority; if the doctor listens to your symptons he/she should be able to deduce that it's become beyond bareable and is definitely a problem - not just a nuisance :sadnod: but if you are worried that it'll be too warm and clear up before you can 'prove' it perhaps you could take a photo? On your phone or something? It shouldn't have to come to that, but maybe just in case if he/she seems to think it's not an issue.

    And let me know if it goes okay :jumphug:
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    (Original post by Lily Academia)
    Okay. Have you ever experienced your fingers actually going corpse-pale-white? That's a classic symptom of Raynaud's. I think I only have it relatively mildly (my fingers only go white when I've been in the sea) but it's made worse by the fact that I have really quite poor blood circulation. Also, are you particularly tall? If you are and don't experience finger tips whitening the chances are that it's a circulation issue. That's the difficult thing - differentiating between the two.

    Listen, proving it should not be your priority; if the doctor listens to your symptons he/she should be able to deduce that it's become beyond bareable and is definitely a problem - not just a nuisance :sadnod: but if you are worried that it'll be too warm and clear up before you can 'prove' it perhaps you could take a photo? On your phone or something? It shouldn't have to come to that, but maybe just in case if he/she seems to think it's not an issue.

    And let me know if it goes okay :jumphug:
    Not that I can recall recently. I've had it where I went up to the chippy with some frends, and ended up spending half an hour waiting outside for them. Got back into the warm. Fingers warmed up. They felt like they were on fire and throbbing something rediculous! I'm not tall unfortunately 5'3.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Aw hun. :sad:

    I hear you on the attention seeking thing, my MUM said that to me a couple of days ago. It just feels like the worst betrayal ever! I hate how people who have no idea what it feels like act that you not being better is some sort of character flaw and is a case of you not wanting it enough. I don't think there are many people with eating disorders who can say they've wanted recovery 100% of the time. About your friends, it's not that they don't like you, I think they're making the typical mistake of thinking you are your illness. They don't like the illness because they can see what it's doing to you. I think it's out of order that they'd say that about you and don't even bother raising their concerns to you. Sounds horribly *****y. You know it isn't true? I really hate that all you're doing is just *being* and people feel the need to say that you're doing something wrong and want attention when all you're doing is trying to live- even though in reality you're slowly killing yourself. :sad: I really just want to hug you. I know it's hard but for me, nobody cares so I've never had to hide anything. My parents just point blank ignore(d) my restricting which makes/made it really easy to carry on. They have the 'Fine, kill yourself. We're not going to do anything' attitude which is kind of great but kind of.... not.
    People are kind of two-faced, in general and regarding this illness, I find. The secretive stage is awful, you HAVE to talk about it because the second you stop, the ED has a chance to get even worse and go mad because you can't get it out of you. At least talking about it will help you realise just how things are. You may not be able to talk about it to people in r/l (I can't. I just talk about it online and to professionals), you should at least talk about it to people online (:wavey:) or even find a local ED support group or something? Isolation just... God, I can't even think about how bad things get when you feel totally alone. You ain't so dumb yourself lady! But seriously, please please please consider staying here. You can spoiler absolutely everything! I'm not the best person in the world to give 'proper' advice and you'll get a variety of perspectives on here and if you just want to vent, say so and no-one will comment. You can even come back and delete it if you want. Regardless of whether you tell us not to worry, we still will!
    I'm glad you'll PM me though. :hugs:
    I've literally sat for the best part of an hour staring at my computer screen not knowing what to say to you. Everything you say is so kind and understanding and i want to accept it but theres just that part of me that wants to 'let the ED run it's course' i guess.

    Had a good time today went to the pub with this boy I like and i seemed normal it was just so laid back and i felt free. But i'm so scared this will end with me getting hurt - he says he likes me and he wants to take me out on a proper date when he has money and we'll see how it goes on from there, obviously that should be ok but all i can think is what if it doesn't work out how I want it to - i won't cope because I never do cope very well with these things

    (Pretty sure you didn't want to hear about my boy problems lol but I'm scared it's going to throw me over the edge if it doesn't work)
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    I've literally sat for the best part of an hour staring at my computer screen not knowing what to say to you. Everything you say is so kind and understanding and i want to accept it but theres just that part of me that wants to 'let the ED run it's course' i guess.

    Had a good time today went to the pub with this boy I like and i seemed normal it was just so laid back and i felt free. But i'm so scared this will end with me getting hurt - he says he likes me and he wants to take me out on a proper date when he has money and we'll see how it goes on from there, obviously that should be ok but all i can think is what if it doesn't work out how I want it to - i won't cope because I never do cope very well with these things

    (Pretty sure you didn't want to hear about my boy problems lol but I'm scared it's going to throw me over the edge if it doesn't work)
    boy problem is fine. you've had to put up with me moaning i bruise really easily or that I'm blooming freezing!
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    (Original post by .snowflake.)
    boy problem is fine. you've had to put up with me moaning i bruise really easily or that I'm blooming freezing!
    awh i empathize with you on the constant coldness it really is horrible and means that you end up feeling miserable on a night out where you've attempted to dress nicely and feel **** and cold all night the bruising thing doesn't sound good you should get to a doctor soonish even just for peace of mind.

    and ha alright i'll bare that in mind for when he decides he doesn't like me anymore
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    awh i empathize with you on the constant coldness it really is horrible and means that you end up feeling miserable on a night out where you've attempted to dress nicely and feel **** and cold all night the bruising thing doesn't sound good you should get to a doctor soonish even just for peace of mind.

    and ha alright i'll bare that in mind for when he decides he doesn't like me anymore
    Lies. I bet you he does like you. and Ouch. its not my ankles tonight. its my left shin that kills. Someone lop my head off/ makes paracteamol or ibuprofen work for me!
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    I can empathise with the potential relationship issues. I am by no means a lothario nor am I typically attractive to girls, but I have a girl at the moment who is constantly telling me she would like to go on a date with me, despite me, as courteously as possible, explaining that I am not in a mental nor physical state to give any girl the attention that she would deserve.

    Despite hearing this she says "it doesn't matter to me at all, I would help you"; and where I understand that companionship does offer a great deal of support, the relationship would ultimately be hindered in my specific scenario given my personal circumstances. I find it personally flattering and incredibly endearing, but at the same time I am sensitive enough to understand a person's feelings need to be reciprocated both emotionally and physically, and at this point in time, knowing I couldn't do so 100%, I wouldn't feel right to go with it.

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    Besides, having gotten to such a rotten BMI, I actually have lost all chemical concept of love or desire, it seems; my doctors explain this is because when a man becomes anorexic the body first shuts down the tertiary and secondary instinctive needs first; that includes libido and pheromone reception! That's why I honestly have had no sexual thoughts for about 6 months, and where I can distinguish a person to be pretty, or handsome, I haven't felt physically attracted to someone in a similar timeframe!
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    take ibuprofen rather than paracetamol - it's better for aches and pains so i've read 8-)

    and i hope so, i think he likes me but he'll get bored and find someone much better....
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I can empathise with the potential relationship issues. I am by no means a lothario nor am I typically attractive to girls, but I have a girl at the moment who is constantly telling me she would like to go on a date with me, despite me, as courteously as possible, explaining that I am not in a mental nor physical state to give any girl the attention that she would deserve.

    Despite hearing this she says "it doesn't matter to me at all, I would help you"; and where I understand that companionship does offer a great deal of support, the relationship would ultimately be hindered in my specific scenario given my personal circumstances. I find it personally flattering and incredibly endearing, but at the same time I am sensitive enough to understand a person's feelings need to be reciprocated both emotionally and physically, and at this point in time, knowing I couldn't do so 100%, I wouldn't feel right to go with it.

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    Besides, having gotten to such a rotten BMI, I actually have lost all chemical concept of love or desire, it seems; my doctors explain this is because when a man becomes anorexic the body first shuts down the tertiary and secondary instinctive needs first; that includes libido and pheromone reception! That's why I honestly have had no sexual thoughts for about 6 months, and where I can distinguish a person to be pretty, or handsome, I haven't felt physically attracted to someone in a similar timeframe!
    That's awful toto. -glomps-
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    The weird thing? I'm positively neutral towards the PHYSICAL aspect of my ailment, but I am definitely not wanting to cause any emotional trauma to her, so I suppose I'm still human. Haha!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I can empathise with the potential relationship issues. I am by no means a lothario nor am I typically attractive to girls, but I have a girl at the moment who is constantly telling me she would like to go on a date with me, despite me, as courteously as possible, explaining that I am not in a mental nor physical state to give any girl the attention that she would deserve.

    Despite hearing this she says "it doesn't matter to me at all, I would help you"; and where I understand that companionship does offer a great deal of support, the relationship would ultimately be hindered in my specific scenario given my personal circumstances. I find it personally flattering and incredibly endearing, but at the same time I am sensitive enough to understand a person's feelings need to be reciprocated both emotionally and physically, and at this point in time, knowing I couldn't do so 100%, I wouldn't feel right to go with it.

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    Besides, having gotten to such a rotten BMI, I actually have lost all chemical concept of love or desire, it seems; my doctors explain this is because when a man becomes anorexic the body first shuts down the tertiary and secondary instinctive needs first; that includes libido and pheromone reception! That's why I honestly have had no sexual thoughts for about 6 months, and where I can distinguish a person to be pretty, or handsome, I haven't felt physically attracted to someone in a similar timeframe!

    Yeah i agree with that it's hard to be with someone when you feel like your constanly taking and not giving anything back. I don't want to come across needy and pathetic... He also does know about my problem but i try to refrain from going into any detail as i don't really want him to know about the 'bad' side of me, he seems quite understanding of it but i'm scared it'll eventually send him running a mile. He mentioned taking me out for a meal earlier and I didn't want to argue against it but the idea of that does make me anxious - me breaking down at the table wouldn't make a great impression i don't think.

    Plus with me going off to university it seems the worst time to start trying to build a relationship with someone from scratch - it's destined to fail but it's made hard by the fact i feel that i click with him - we were described by one of my friends as the same person just of a different gender .....

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    i felt similar to that at one point where i had no real desire which is why i decided to stop taking the meds as i felt they were causing me to become melancholy - (probably not the right word) and numb. right now i feel up and down with it all, i know that sometimes if someone was to even hug me i'd jump away from them and freak out about them feeling my body etc - but other times i could be intimate with someone and it feel completely fine
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    The weird thing? I'm positively neutral towards the PHYSICAL aspect of my ailment, but I am definitely not wanting to cause any emotional trauma to her, so I suppose I'm still human. Haha!
    Atleast you've got another reason to kick the EDs arse.
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    :hugs: to Squiff and Toto and Snowy!

    Had therapy today. It wasn't really therapy per se, it was more a second assessment. He basically told me what he got from my first session and said the points he thought we would be able to work on if I actually continued with therapy with him. Main points were normalising my eating and monitoring my weight and watching out for other symptoms (I told him the absolute truth I don't think ANYONE has understood before) and dealing with my mood and my self esteem and perfectionism, doing motivation training and trying to work through all the stuff I've ignored for years. I also did an assessment thingy and he told me a few things about my ED that kind of made me double take. We had a discussion about whether I should go to the services in Norwich or stay where I am and I (stupidly) said that I wanted to stay at the hospital I'm getting treatment at now and commute from Norwich to London every week for therapy because I wanted continuity and he's the first therapist I've actually clicked with (-can I reiterate? IDIOT!) and I thought the money would be manageable but I forgot that the free Oyster card runs out after the 30th and there's no way I'll have enough to pay to get from Liverpool Street to the hospital every week and grrrr. I mean, there's a chance that I won't get funded so I'll have to go to ED services in Norwich and he said he'd try and find me a good therapist but I can't believe I didn't realise it would cost more than 'just' the train fare. I must admit, part of me was thinking from a very sick point of view when I said yes but still... I'm not happy with myself.
    It makes sense to go to the ED services in Norwich but I don't really have it in me to go to another therapist and explain everything all over again when I don't even understand it myself. It's so much effort. He said that he'd fax over a report and stuff if I needed to utilise their services but it just feels like I don't even need it. He said he'll talk with my consultant and my nurse tomorrow so I'll have to call him and tell him I'd rather do it in Norwich. Though what I REALLY want is to be discharged but they won't let me go because they think I'll just slip under the net and get really bad again. I'm sure they'd let me go if I really insisted and pulled the 'I'm 19, I'm an adult, I can do what I want' card but I'm just so ambivalent about everything and I can't stick with any decision. :sigh:
    All I know is anything has to be better than this.

    The highlight of my day? Going to Ikea and picking up a few bits and pieces for university. :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    I'm sure they'd let me go if I really insisted and pulled the 'I'm 19, I'm an adult, I can do what I want' card but I'm just so ambivalent about everything and I can't stick with any decision. :sigh:
    All I know is anything has to be better than this.

    The highlight of my day? Going to Ikea and picking up a few bits and pieces for university. :rolleyes:
    DD, don't pull the 'I'm 19, I'm an adult card.' They're trying to help you, and I'd hate you to be like Toto, with a really good degree in a subject you love, but not actually able to use it because you're too poorly!

    Ikea = win. Love that place, have already told mummy 'If I get into uni, I'll let you take me to ikea'.

    Edit: I'm off to see the inbetweeners movie today! Finally.
 
 
 
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