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    (Original post by Kebabbi)
    I could have written basically this entire thing too! Ah I'm so glad I've found this thread I guess it's just a battle between your rational mind and your ED; obviously at times like this it's going to get more difficult. It's just a kick in the teeth because I thought it had 'got easier', thought I'd got better, and really when I think back I've just been in denial. I've been trying so hard for so long now and it just feels like it was all in vain
    But yes, we will try again tomorrow. Well done on the cake by the way, so know what you mean there as well! And it never tastes quite as good as you were expecting, does it? But tomorrow I'll start over and it will be okay
    OMFG, exactly! So freaking true! I try to explain that to my mum and she's like 'But it *does* taste good' and I'm like 'It tasted better in my imagination' and she looks at me like I'm mad. :sigh: :hugs: I hope you're getting therapy and stuff to help with whatever it is that has triggered this. It will be okay! New mantra! :hugs:
    EVERYTHING will be ok!
    The more I think about it, the more I wonder what 'better' even means. Not in an 'OMG there's no such thing!' way but in a 'How do you measure recovery?' way. It's not like alcohol or something where you can measure it in terms of sobriety. I think something we all have to remember is as much as we all want a 'perfect' recovery, it's not really a straight line and slips/relapses do happen. That's not an excuse to LET them happen or excuse them but it's no reason to beat ourselves up either. Think of each slip as a learning experience and think of what you can change next time (if it's possible) to stop it from happening again. I suppose you need to know your triggers and be aware of what might cause things to be more difficult before it happens and sometimes you have triggers you don't know which is where unforeseen slips happen. I don't know... One day/hour/minute at a time I think! Each drink, snack and meal is one step closer to where you want to be. Stupid A levels and *other* things aren't worth feeling like **** and dying for.

    Why the hell is it 2am?? *goes to bed*
    • #4
    #4

    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Seems that we are suffering from opposite ends within the same disorder tonight m'dear.

    Don't keep putting it off and putting it off though. If you don't grasp your opportunity amidst your optimistic time, you'll just get apathetic and not eat again.

    Please seize the opportunity now, kebab! XXX


    I've started to calm down about my anxiety earlier. I figure I'm still clinging wildly to this notion that I need to be in control of *how* I gain weight, when in reality, I can only properly liberate myself by breaking the chains properly and being more free and frivolous.

    My dad and I had a long talk.

    "Did you eat more than anyone else at that table today?" no. No I didn't.

    "Did you enjoy it as much as them?" Of course I did. Probably more so.

    "Then why are you so worried?" I'm worried because I let the stupid ED calculate things again, try to quantify things.


    If I let it be a food calculator every time I consume something I'll never ever be free of the disorder. But how to stifle the voice, allowing me to calm down?

    That's the real trick...
    You could just keep reminding yourself that this voice isn't your friend trying to help you - it would rather see you die than recover and be happy in your life and future with friends and family.
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    Anon, my dad said the exact same thing. We watch Supersize vs Superskinny together and the anorexic woman on that referred to her anorexia as "Ed".

    Dad said to me, "you do know your "Ed" isn't your mate, eh, Tom? See that Ed, all he wants is to see you die a painful death. That's why we have to get rid of him."

    I'm so lucky to have a support network as I do; there are a lot of others without that luxury.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Anon, my dad said the exact same thing. We watch Supersize vs Superskinny together and the anorexic woman on that referred to her anorexia as "Ed".

    Dad said to me, "you do know your "Ed" isn't your mate, eh, Tom? See that Ed, all he wants is to see you die a painful death. That's why we have to get rid of him."

    I'm so lucky to have a support network as I do; there are a lot of others without that luxury.
    I hate it when people personalise/humanise their EDs. The whole ana/mia thing makes me feel especially angry. It isn't a person, it's a disease. I couldn't even read Jenni Shafer's Life Without ED because I thought it gave it too much power. But I do think it can help separate you from your illness and remind you that what you want and what the illness wants are completely different. I think it's wonderful that you can speak to your dad about it. My mum tried to put Supersize vs Superskinny on and we ended up having an argument because I didn't understand why she was watching it and she didn't understand why it upset me.

    In regards to the voice... I saw this blog post.
    http://ed-bites.blogspot.com/2011/05...disengage.html
    From Carrie Arnold's blog

    In Jenni Schaefer's book Life Without Ed, she writes about the two main tactics for combatting ED thoughts:
    Disagree: counter the ED thought that a slice of cake will make you fat with thoughts like Eating cake is normal, one slice of cake won't change my weight, I trust my treatment team and the food plan they gave me.
    Disobey: the ED thought tells you not to eat that cake and you eat that cake, dammit.
    All of which are well and good. My dad always told me I should have been a lawyer since I can argue anyone into the ground. Arguing against myself is harder because both sides of my brain are equally skilled in coming up with convoluted statements, odd facts, and seemingly incontrovertible bits of logic.

    Even when I do win against the ED thoughts, the previous hours-long pissing match between Healthy Carrie and ED Carrie has left me exhausted and more than a little demoralized. It shouldn't be this hard!

    Indeed it shouldn't. File under: Pyrrhic victory, definition of.

    So I came up with another "D" strategy to deal with the ED thoughts: Disengage.

    So when I start bickering with the voice in my head that tells me I shouldn't eat, that I'm going to get fat, that eating means I'm a pathetic failure, I don't argue back. I just say "Mmmmm..." When you're trying to make a decision, it's not like your brain instantly comes up with a unanimous agreement. Different parts of your brain provide different input, and that input isn't all equally important or relevant. It's sort of like the vaguely rabid people preaching the End Times on the street corner: I know these people are irrational, so I just kind of ignore it.

    ED thoughts are similar; it's not worth my time to argue. Arguments seem to give the thoughts credibility, that they're work an argument. The problem is that they're not. So I've been trying to mentally walk away from the ED craziness in my head. We'll see whether it works, but hopefully it will leave mw with more energy and sanity.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    I hate it when people personalise/humanise their EDs. The whole ana/mia thing makes me feel especially angry. It isn't a person, it's a disease. I couldn't even read Jenni Shafer's Life Without ED because I thought it gave it too much power. But I do think it can help separate you from your illness and remind you that what you want and what the illness wants are completely different. I think it's wonderful that you can speak to your dad about it. My mum tried to put Supersize vs Superskinny on and we ended up having an argument because I didn't understand why she was watching it and she didn't understand why it upset me.

    In regards to the voice... I saw this blog post.
    http://ed-bites.blogspot.com/2011/05...disengage.html
    From Carrie Arnold's blog

    In Jenni Schaefer's book Life Without Ed, she writes about the two main tactics for combatting ED thoughts:
    Disagree: counter the ED thought that a slice of cake will make you fat with thoughts like Eating cake is normal, one slice of cake won't change my weight, I trust my treatment team and the food plan they gave me.
    Disobey: the ED thought tells you not to eat that cake and you eat that cake, dammit.
    All of which are well and good. My dad always told me I should have been a lawyer since I can argue anyone into the ground. Arguing against myself is harder because both sides of my brain are equally skilled in coming up with convoluted statements, odd facts, and seemingly incontrovertible bits of logic.

    Even when I do win against the ED thoughts, the previous hours-long pissing match between Healthy Carrie and ED Carrie has left me exhausted and more than a little demoralized. It shouldn't be this hard!

    Indeed it shouldn't. File under: Pyrrhic victory, definition of.

    So I came up with another "D" strategy to deal with the ED thoughts: Disengage.

    So when I start bickering with the voice in my head that tells me I shouldn't eat, that I'm going to get fat, that eating means I'm a pathetic failure, I don't argue back. I just say "Mmmmm..." When you're trying to make a decision, it's not like your brain instantly comes up with a unanimous agreement. Different parts of your brain provide different input, and that input isn't all equally important or relevant. It's sort of like the vaguely rabid people preaching the End Times on the street corner: I know these people are irrational, so I just kind of ignore it.

    ED thoughts are similar; it's not worth my time to argue. Arguments seem to give the thoughts credibility, that they're work an argument. The problem is that they're not. So I've been trying to mentally walk away from the ED craziness in my head. We'll see whether it works, but hopefully it will leave mw with more energy and sanity
    .
    This is great you can dismiss it in this way; I envy that. The reason I personally can't do that, though, is because I am by default... by nature... a mediator. I am the guy that tries to rationalise and never takes sides between two parties during an argument, who will step in between and try to prove that both sides have good points.

    Therefore naturally, when it comes to the me-vs-ED bickerings, I often end up mediating again. This usually results in the ED getting what it wants, or me getting what I want, but far less so than I initially wanted.
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    Hello all. I'm really sorry I've gone a bit quiet on this thread, especially since TotoMimo gave me such a nice response. I've been a bit busy with my art exam, but I'm so glad it's over now! And I'm extremmmmely glad at how much support is being given on this thread, it's amazing!

    I apologise beforehand for this post, because it feels like I should type what I feel atm since I don't talk to anyone about my ED.

    Last week, even though I was maintaining (for now) and eating the exact same, I somehow gained weight. It wasn't much and I knew it was just water weight or something similar, but it didn't stop a full-blown panic attack in a therapy session, even if my bmi is still 13.1. I didn't think I was going to react so badly because when I'm eating "my normal" amounts a day, I'm fine. It's not a big deal at all. But when it comes to adding more food, or gaining weight my anxiety gets to really bad levels. :sad: I almost forget I'm unwell until I have to challenge my disordered eating.

    That, and lately I've realised this stupid thought I have when I think about adding more, like somebody is saying "Well, if you eat more you don't have an ED, do you? You're just faking it for attention then, and it was all a lie. You're not really ill, you're just selfish". Does anyone else have this? It seems stupid because I obviously don't want to have an eating disorder, but the idea of everyone else thinking I'm just faking it for attention terrifies me. It is stupid really...


    Anywhoooo, I'm not looking for advice really, maybe just a "OHHH I do that too!" so I feel a little less alone with these thoughts.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    This is great you can dismiss it in this way; I envy that. The reason I personally can't do that, though, is because I am by default... by nature... a mediator. I am the guy that tries to rationalise and never takes sides between two parties during an argument, who will step in between and try to prove that both sides have good points.

    Therefore naturally, when it comes to the me-vs-ED bickerings, I often end up mediating again. This usually results in the ED getting what it wants, or me getting what I want, but far less so than I initially wanted.
    Oh no, that wasn't me! I was quoting the blog post. I'm pretty much like you. I compromise and then feel guilty with the results! :rolleyes:
    (Original post by briesandwich)
    Hello all. I'm really sorry I've gone a bit quiet on this thread, especially since TotoMimo gave me such a nice response. I've been a bit busy with my art exam, but I'm so glad it's over now! And I'm extremmmmely glad at how much support is being given on this thread, it's amazing!

    I apologise beforehand for this post, because it feels like I should type what I feel atm since I don't talk to anyone about my ED.

    Last week, even though I was maintaining (for now) and eating the exact same, I somehow gained weight. It wasn't much and I knew it was just water weight or something similar, but it didn't stop a full-blown panic attack in a therapy session, even if my bmi is still 13.1. I didn't think I was going to react so badly because when I'm eating "my normal" amounts a day, I'm fine. It's not a big deal at all. But when it comes to adding more food, or gaining weight my anxiety gets to really bad levels. :sad: I almost forget I'm unwell until I have to challenge my disordered eating.

    That, and lately I've realised this stupid thought I have when I think about adding more, like somebody is saying "Well, if you eat more you don't have an ED, do you? You're just faking it for attention then, and it was all a lie. You're not really ill, you're just selfish". Does anyone else have this? It seems stupid because I obviously don't want to have an eating disorder, but the idea of everyone else thinking I'm just faking it for attention terrifies me. It is stupid really...


    Anywhoooo, I'm not looking for advice really, maybe just a "OHHH I do that too!" so I feel a little less alone with these thoughts.
    I have that thought all the damn time. It was at its peak when I was in hospital and the dietican (who was a ****) was looking at my meal choices and said something like 'Oh, you have hot puddings? That's not very anorexic is it?' and I was like 'You force us to have hot puddings- I didn't want it! and fyi, I've always been ok with sweet things- not all people with anorexia are the same.' And then the ED voice was like 'See, there's nothing wrong with you, you're just a fat attention seeking greedy little **** who pretends that there's something wrong with you. What are you doing in hospital, you disgusting fraud?.' I always feel like a fraud when I eat something that I 'shouldn't (i.e ANYTHING). That was justification for me being 'well' for the longest time actually. 'Oh, I ate a meal (despite crying and it being the only thing I ate) - I'm fine!' or 'See, I can eat chocolate without having a breakdown, there's nothing wrong with me.'
    It's all messed up ED logic trying to keep you stuck. I don't understand it either. We don't want EDs but we don't want people thinking we're making it up! I guess it's because people think EDs are so food/weight orientated we feel like we have to weigh the least and eat the least to warrant help/the diagnosis when in reality, what we need to do is sort out our minds and why we use food in the way we do.

    I really hope this isn't off-putting or triggerring. I'll put it in spoilers just in case.

    Spoiler:
    Show
    I feel so confused and scared atm that I can't rationalise anything. I don't know what to do anymore. Basically, my worst nightmare has come true. I keep binging whenever I try to eat 'normally' and it's making me restrict because I don't want to eat and then not be able to stop. It's not even like a 'proper' binge, I mean it's on things I wouldn't normally eat but it's not like a huge amount calorie wise. It's basically less than the 'average' person would eat but more than I'd eat normally and in a really concentrated time period. I don't know what to do because it's freaking me out. I'm trying to tell myself that logically, this is probably happening because I haven't eaten properly for the 9 months I've been out of hospital and if I regulated my eating it would stop but when I try to regulate my eating, it just happens again... I don't even need to gain weight so it's really distressing. I find it so hard to eat when I'm not actually physically ill anymore. Not that I want to be but at least then I could justify eating even though it was hard because I *needed* to gain. I think that's my issue. I associate eating with weight gain because I can't maintain. I lose and then I gain. I never stay the same so I don't trust my body especially as I look normal when I'm really underweight and I look huge now. I don't know... I keep trying to tell myself that I have to eat because my brain needs the fuel for exams and then I end up eating total **** and not only feeling guilty for eating but feeling guilty for not eating something that will actually fuel my brain.
    The contant mental yo-yoing is messing with my head and I just want to avoid everything. Does anyone know if this is common in recovery?
    • #17
    #17

    I have been anorexic for 8, going on 9 years. I feel like with long term EDs it almost becomes a natural pattern just not to eat. I also purge and exercise to the extreme.

    I am in treatment, I attend a service for adults with severe EDs and other therapy. Although I know what caused my illness and I can pinpoint all my difficulties I just can't get better and it is very frustrating. As I'm sure you all know it's extremely upsetting knowing you've wasted so many years to something so catastrophic. I do feel very guilty. I think anorexia is just a very guilt ridden illness, I'm guilty if I eat, guilty if I don't exercise enough and I'm guilty because I feel like I failed in living like a 'normal' person would.

    Diamonddust, although I don't know what recovery feels like I would imagine it's very common to be torn between losing and gaining again. I too associate eating with weight gain as opposed to just staying at a stable weight. I guess it's because food is still very much the enemy even if you aren't physically in danger due to lack of nourishment at this point in time. Do you have anyone, perhaps a specialist dietitian you could see on an outpatient basis? I currently see someone who has such a skill set and although it's early days it has helped.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    OMFG, exactly! So freaking true! I try to explain that to my mum and she's like 'But it *does* taste good' and I'm like 'It tasted better in my imagination' and she looks at me like I'm mad. :sigh: :hugs: I hope you're getting therapy and stuff to help with whatever it is that has triggered this. It will be okay! New mantra! :hugs:
    EVERYTHING will be ok!
    The more I think about it, the more I wonder what 'better' even means. Not in an 'OMG there's no such thing!' way but in a 'How do you measure recovery?' way. It's not like alcohol or something where you can measure it in terms of sobriety. I think something we all have to remember is as much as we all want a 'perfect' recovery, it's not really a straight line and slips/relapses do happen. That's not an excuse to LET them happen or excuse them but it's no reason to beat ourselves up either. Think of each slip as a learning experience and think of what you can change next time (if it's possible) to stop it from happening again. I suppose you need to know your triggers and be aware of what might cause things to be more difficult before it happens and sometimes you have triggers you don't know which is where unforeseen slips happen. I don't know... One day/hour/minute at a time I think! Each drink, snack and meal is one step closer to where you want to be. Stupid A levels and *other* things aren't worth feeling like **** and dying for.

    Why the hell is it 2am?? *goes to bed*
    Ah so true :hugs: I'm not getting therapy, no... I dunno if I should. I was in counselling for a bit and it was so easy just to not turn up so I stopped going, then gradually sorted myself out on my own. I keep thinking I'll be fine on my own but maybe I should go back to it, I'm clearly not! Also I'm kinda scared that they'll put me back in hospital again (although if I carry on at this rate I'll end up there anyway...)
    ugh

    Anyway, as for 'better', to be honest I always thought there would be a point where I just wouldn't even notice that I was eating, or wouldn't even care. I remember a couple of years ago finding out that 'normal' people don't actually worry about every time they eat (which was a massive shock at the time, hadn't really accepted I had a problem before then, just thought I was a bit more extreme than other people!) and so when I started the whole 'recovery' thing, I thought that at some point I'd end up there... Now, I'm gradually realising that that's not how this works. Not wanting to be pessimistic but I don't think there will ever be a point where we have a 'normal' attitude to food, I just think there are varying degrees of an unhealthy relationship and, at some point, I hope to be at the very mildest degree - a point where I can accept that something is calorific, maybe even laugh at how fattening it is and how silly I used to be - and eat it anyway. Well, that's the dream
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    ^ Toto and Diamond, 'bingeing' (objective and subjective) is EXTREMELY common in recovery. I strongly suggest you head over to the Weight Gain and Health and Support forums on caloriecount.com - they are NOT triggering, there is one poster there called hedgren who is EXTREMELY knowledgeable in the mechanismns (physiological, psychological and neurological) in the restrictive eating disorder spectrum.

    I have had a ****, **** day. Since I was admitted on Friday I was given about 5l of fluid via IV (potassium and a vitamin concentrate). I didn't purge (but didn't eat or drink the whole time I was on the drip, once I was off I managed about 700 calories and a litre of fluid... Then I was officially discharged, b/p'd, manipulated money out my parents, b/p'd some more, drank a load of fluid, went to bed for a couple of hours, woke up and was only up 1.6kg *shock*. I was genuiney expecting a 5kg gain (the weight of the fluids... I didn't pass any urine, pretty well) and last night (still in hosp) I got moved to another ward where I could have a shower and there were mirrors... I just broke down absolutely sobbing and sobbing, I'd sneaked some diazepam in (I'm prescribed it, officially at 5mg but that has as much effect as a smartie on me, my 'usual' dose is 20mg which my GP knows but obviously won't officially prescribe, therefore I had to sneak it in in order to be able to take a theraputic dose). I took 20 and still felt extremely unsafe, so took another 10 before my shower, but it was SUCH a struggle not to smash the mirror so I could get a shard of glass... Anyway when discharged the next day I nipped down to the shop (2 packs biscuits and a bag choc brazil nuts), then the canteen (jacket potato with tuna and sweetcorn, vege chilli (large) with rice, rhubarb crumble with custard) - yes, all at once, no shame left to lose anymore... Had the nerve to go back to the ward and say 'nothing took my fancy' so had veg soup followed by roast beef and yorkie pud, gravy, mash, carrots and beans, and sticky toffee pudding with custard, and then before dad came to pick me up I went to the canteen AGAIN and ordered a roast chicken leg and stuffing with chips and carrots and gravy. And eliminated said food items.

    Massive argument with parents in car. They are sick of my repeated medical admissions and are basically washing their hands of me. They accused me of not caring about college. This INCENSED me. I dropped out my 2 remaining biology modules as I didn't need to get Distinctions in those and could use passes from my AS levels being equivalent to Pass-level Access credits (doing an Access course, fulltime). This was a sensible decision and I stand by it. My social worker and GP and support worker at college all agreed too - as did my tutors. I worked my butt off in my last few assgts and got Distinctions. I had a Physics exam on Tuesday (after having spent all weekend on a medical ward unable to get online where my notes are) and still managed a Distinction. I have caught up and organised my revision for my last Chemistry exam on Friday (which I don't even have to sit to pass the course and I've made my majority Distinctions to get into Reading anyway, so this is MY MAKING AN EFFORT for the sake of making an effort). This week I have worked my butt off chasing tutors to hand me back marked assgts early to I can put together and hand in my portfolio for external moderation (which I have done). And I have 'given up' and am 'not making an effort'? I HAVE EARNT MY PLACE AT UNI, AT A DECENT UNI, TO DO A DECENT DEGREE, DOING A 1-YEAR COURSE THAT NOBODY SAID I COULD COMPLETE.

    And they keep asking me what'll be different when I'm in hosp. Well, duh, the fact that a) I will be UNABLE to binge, b) I'll have SUPPORT from TRAINED staff (honestly, do they expect me to be on a BUSY medical ward buzzing a nurse because I feel like crap and want to puke?!)

    So then of course I went to the co-op (BOGOF B&Js!). Cleaned my flat and packed for tomorrow after b/p'ing. Parents' house tonight. Puked some of their food. Hell to pay when I tell them. HELL.

    It's my assessment on Monday. I'm going here (to the ED ward) - the psych I'll be under (Dr B on the consultants page) has seen me before and is really nice. And she has amazing shoes . I am utterly ****ting it.
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    Hello all. I'm really sorry I've gone a bit quiet on this thread, especially since TotoMimo gave me such a nice response. I've been a bit busy with my art exam, but I'm so glad it's over now! And I'm extremmmmely glad at how much support is being given on this thread, it's amazing!

    I apologise beforehand for this post, because it feels like I should type what I feel atm since I don't talk to anyone about my ED.

    Last week, even though I was maintaining (for now) and eating the exact same, I somehow gained weight. It wasn't much and I knew it was just water weight or something similar, but it didn't stop a full-blown panic attack in a therapy session, even if my bmi is still 13.1. I didn't think I was going to react so badly because when I'm eating "my normal" amounts a day, I'm fine. It's not a big deal at all. But when it comes to adding more food, or gaining weight my anxiety gets to really bad levels. :sad: I almost forget I'm unwell until I have to challenge my disordered eating.

    That, and lately I've realised this stupid thought I have when I think about adding more, like somebody is saying "Well, if you eat more you don't have an ED, do you? You're just faking it for attention then, and it was all a lie. You're not really ill, you're just selfish". Does anyone else have this? It seems stupid because I obviously don't want to have an eating disorder, but the idea of everyone else thinking I'm just faking it for attention terrifies me. It is stupid really...


    Anywhoooo, I'm not looking for advice really, maybe just a "OHHH I do that too!" so I feel a little less alone with these thoughts.
    Hun it is good that you have gained weight and that anxiety is normal. I would be worried if you didnt feel it.
    There is always that anxiety when getting over an ED the trick is to keep challenging the ED and eventually the anxiety gets less and less until it is manageable.

    Just facing the fear in the first place is a massive a achievement. Well done.
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    That bought a tear to my eye. I have previously fought anorexia and bulimia with OCD while trying to also fight other things such as self harm. I completely get the whole, control and setting goal concept. I used to keep elaborate food and measurement diaries, making sure I never exceeded 400 calories. I seemed to be 'trying to stop' everyday, but it only got worse. I finally got better, but, I always feel like any day I'll be back to square one. It's addictive :/.

    One of my best friends is currently in hospital trying to recover from her ED, and it breaks my heart knowing she feels the same way I did.
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    Thank you for sharing your story with us, I think it is great how you are actually now trying to take what made you go down this path and use it to your advantage. Best of luck for your recovery!

    I will share my story but I fear it will be quite long, as I personally have never been able to pinpoint one key cause of my eating disorder, so I feel compelled to include everything, although it may be terribly tedious... No one has to read it, I will just type it. But I will try too keep it short anyway.

    I had alot of problems in my childhood:
    -My brother has Autism and he would get very violent almost everyday, I used to sit up in my bedroom, baricade my door and go to another world trying to block out the sound of him beating up my mummy. Sometimes he would take all my clothes, including the ones I was wearing and throw them downstairs from my bedroom, so I would have to run downstairs nakes to get them while he would laugh. One day he traped me and my mum in the kitchn and threaterned us with a knife. Yet my mum would always say, "he doesn't know what he is doing, it is not his fault".
    My dad was always at work, so he never saw what happened.

    -I developed quite a rare form of epilepsy when I was 4, which meant constant hospital visits and lots of different medications which caused terrible side effects, severe weight gain, insomnia, depression, anxiety, one even caused hallucinations. But luckily I grew out of it when I was 10 and the seizures stopped.

    -I was sexually abused as a child by someone I am not willing to ever identify, it lasted at least a year when I was about 7/8.

    -I was severely bullied for 7 out of11 years of my time at school. In primary school I would get beaten up in playground by about half the boys in my year pretty much everyday and get called names constantly. Then in secondary school it got worse, a group of girls would chase my around the school at breaktime, also I got called names pretty much constantly and had no friends for most of the time. I had to spend most of break times in maths class or in the office just to escape.

    -My parents divorced when I was 10, my dad got severely depressed, began drinking and lost his very high paid job. We had to move into a house much smaller than the one we used to live in, my mum worked all hours of the day for littly money and I would be left on my own. My brother went to live with my daad wo managed to sort himself out and get a new job after living with his parents for a year.

    So by the age of 14 I had a BMI of 38 being the result of 6 years taking medication which basically turned my metaolism down to 0, and 4 years of binge eating when I was on my own in the house. My logic was, I either kill myself, or I eat, so I ate.

    Then I started throwing up, not much just a couple of times a week.
    When I turned 15 my BMI had gone up again to 39 as the throwing up just made me eat more.
    So one day something in my mind just clicked, don't eat.
    I started by just cutting down as much as possible, eating the bare minimum and water fasting when I could. Then I learned about calories and became obsessed about them. Just a few months later my BMI had fallen from 39 to 26, I know that is still overweight, but it was very fast weight loss.

    Then I went on holiday, and started binging again. I went back up to a BMI of 30 in what seemed like no time at all.
    When I got back from holiday i tried to restrict again like I was before, but I got very ill I could hardly walk, every single muscle, every single bone, every single joint, basically every cell in my body hurt so bad and I was so weak. I experienced episodes of temporary paralysis, my resting heart rate had dropped to 39 bpm at it's lowest. No matter how many layers I put on I was freezing cold, my thick curly hair felt like straw, it was falling out, and I would often turn blue.

    So I ate, and rested and after a while I stabalised physically, but I felt so big I could not stand it, so I started throwing up again.
    But this time it was several times a day, at my worst, I was throing up a dozen times a day, and when I could not throw up I would take lots and lots of laxatives and diet pills. But I was still binging. So I dropped down to a BMI 24 by this time I was 16. But my GP figured out that I had been purging so I was sent for counselling with someone who as it turned out knows nothing abou eating disorders.
    But I told my friend around this same time what had been going on with me and she was such a big help, am very lucky, purging gradually decreased down to just once per week. But I kept binging so i got back up to a BMI of 29.

    After a while I could not stand it anymore, started restricting again, got down to 22 BMI.

    Then got diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, started getting some proper help, and now I am happy to say, I am finally on the road to recovery. My BMI is 25 at the moment, but I am dealing with it. I have had heart,kidney, digestive and liver problems, now i just need to get on with my life.

    Sorry that was very long...
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    (Original post by Maigre)
    Thank you for sharing your story with us, I think it is great how you are actually now trying to take what made you go down this path and use it to your advantage. Best of luck for your recovery!

    I will share my story but I fear it will be quite long, as I personally have never been able to pinpoint one key cause of my eating disorder, so I feel compelled to include everything, although it may be terribly tedious... No one has to read it, I will just type it. But I will try too keep it short anyway.

    I had alot of problems in my childhood:
    -My brother has Autism and he would get very violent almost everyday, I used to sit up in my bedroom, baricade my door and go to another world trying to block out the sound of him beating up my mummy. Sometimes he would take all my clothes, including the ones I was wearing and throw them downstairs from my bedroom, so I would have to run downstairs nakes to get them while he would laugh. One day he traped me and my mum in the kitchn and threaterned us with a knife. Yet my mum would always say, "he doesn't know what he is doing, it is not his fault".
    My dad was always at work, so he never saw what happened.

    -I developed quite a rare form of epilepsy when I was 4, which meant constant hospital visits and lots of different medications which caused terrible side effects, severe weight gain, insomnia, depression, anxiety, one even caused hallucinations. But luckily I grew out of it when I was 10 and the seizures stopped.

    -I was sexually abused as a child by someone I am not willing to ever identify, it lasted at least a year when I was about 7/8.

    -I was severely bullied for 7 out of11 years of my time at school. In primary school I would get beaten up in playground by about half the boys in my year pretty much everyday and get called names constantly. Then in secondary school it got worse, a group of girls would chase my around the school at breaktime, also I got called names pretty much constantly and had no friends for most of the time. I had to spend most of break times in maths class or in the office just to escape.

    -My parents divorced when I was 10, my dad got severely depressed, began drinking and lost his very high paid job. We had to move into a house much smaller than the one we used to live in, my mum worked all hours of the day for littly money and I would be left on my own. My brother went to live with my daad wo managed to sort himself out and get a new job after living with his parents for a year.

    So by the age of 14 I had a BMI of 38 being the result of 6 years taking medication which basically turned my metaolism down to 0, and 4 years of binge eating when I was on my own in the house. My logic was, I either kill myself, or I eat, so I ate.

    Then I started throwing up, not much just a couple of times a week.
    When I turned 15 my BMI had gone up again to 39 as the throwing up just made me eat more.
    So one day something in my mind just clicked, don't eat.
    I started by just cutting down as much as possible, eating the bare minimum and water fasting when I could. Then I learned about calories and became obsessed about them. Just a few months later my BMI had fallen from 39 to 26, I know that is still overweight, but it was very fast weight loss.

    Then I went on holiday, and started binging again. I went back up to a BMI of 30 in what seemed like no time at all.
    When I got back from holiday i tried to restrict again like I was before, but I got very ill I could hardly walk, every single muscle, every single bone, every single joint, basically every cell in my body hurt so bad and I was so weak. I experienced episodes of temporary paralysis, my resting heart rate had dropped to 39 bpm at it's lowest. No matter how many layers I put on I was freezing cold, my thick curly hair felt like straw, it was falling out, and I would often turn blue.

    So I ate, and rested and after a while I stabalised physically, but I felt so big I could not stand it, so I started throwing up again.
    But this time it was several times a day, at my worst, I was throing up a dozen times a day, and when I could not throw up I would take lots and lots of laxatives and diet pills. But I was still binging. So I dropped down to a BMI 24 by this time I was 16. But my GP figured out that I had been purging so I was sent for counselling with someone who as it turned out knows nothing abou eating disorders.
    But I told my friend around this same time what had been going on with me and she was such a big help, am very lucky, purging gradually decreased down to just once per week. But I kept binging so i got back up to a BMI of 29.

    After a while I could not stand it anymore, started restricting again, got down to 22 BMI.

    Then got diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, started getting some proper help, and now I am happy to say, I am finally on the road to recovery. My BMI is 25 at the moment, but I am dealing with it. I have had heart,kidney, digestive and liver problems, now i just need to get on with my life.

    Sorry that was very long...
    :hugs: This post made me cry. I don't actually know what to say, I just want to give you an enormous hug. :cry: :hugs:
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    I've kinda missed a bunch of the past few posts but one thing I'm taking from them (apart from starting to break down in tears a few times from just how absurdly strong you must all be to deal with the sheer concentration and pressure of ONE disorder let alone so many all at once) is that a lot of you are questioning your recovery. This is something I, myself, have done frequently over the past few days.

    What triggered it this morning? Feeling so bloated I could no longer use the "custom hole" I punched in my belt. I needed to use the first available ACTUAL hole in the belt. I was devastated. DEVASTATED. For some reason, being "on the radar" - to use a hole in a belt that was designed to BE there - proved I must be entering some kind of realm of normality. Where the "normal-weighted" people are. You know, the kind that use the proper holes in belts as opposed to the ones they had to gouge out themselves because the belt didn't go tight enough otherwise.

    But then I thought about it. I'm still under 95lb, as a 26 year old man. I'm 5'7. I should be 2 whole stones heavier. But no, the disorder forms these stupid rules, right? And makes you think your "recovery" is disgusting.

    "Eat 2000 calories per day and do less than 15 minutes walking-worth of exercise a day" means "be a total slob" to me. But in reality it's "Your body is dying and it needs fuel and rest to repair itself."

    We all have those triggers and stupid epiphanies that hit us where the ED says "uh-oh, look at how much you're failing." But the only thing you're really failing at is having a mortal disease. And to be fair, that's something I would gladly fail at.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    I've kinda missed a bunch of the past few posts but one thing I'm taking from them (apart from starting to break down in tears a few times from just how absurdly strong you must all be to deal with the sheer concentration and pressure of ONE disorder let alone so many all at once) is that a lot of you are questioning your recovery. This is something I, myself, have done frequently over the past few days.

    What triggered it this morning? Feeling so bloated I could no longer use the "custom hole" I punched in my belt. I needed to use the first available ACTUAL hole in the belt. I was devastated. DEVASTATED. For some reason, being "on the radar" - to use a hole in a belt that was designed to BE there - proved I must be entering some kind of realm of normality. Where the "normal-weighted" people are. You know, the kind that use the proper holes in belts as opposed to the ones they had to gouge out themselves because the belt didn't go tight enough otherwise.
    Totally know what you mean I remember about a year ago when I could no longer fit into my age 6 skirt being similarly devastated - sat on the floor crying and rocking for a good half hour, pinching my legs to try to make them go away, then stopped eating for a week. But then, when I was feeling a bit stronger, I got the skirt back out and thought, 'this is sick, a 17-year-old should not be able to fit into an age 6 skirt.' And then I gave it to Oxfam and haven't thought about it since. But it's still difficult not to feel a bit proud about how many extra holes you've punched in your belt or in your watch strap or just how tiny your clothes have to be to stay up...
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    I got to speak to a true anorexic "veteran" today. A girl who has suffered since the age of 13 with the disease. She is 23 now and recovered.

    She spoke of the anxieties, the phases of lying and how as anorexics we become the world's greatest liars - and lying to ourselves too! How the refeed process terrifies, how her body changed, how she relapsed.

    She spoke so openly and freely about everything, which made it so refreshing. I told her about my "oh no, my belt is starting to actually FIT me", my "Oh God, I lost control and ate until I was FULL at the buffet!" stories and all other anxieties and anomalies I'd had. She smiled and said, "It's so normal. I did the exact same thing. You get frightened about silly things because you use anorexia as your comfort blanket and by going against what the anorexia tells you, you run the risk of losing it - and that means running the risk of losing that thing you think makes you special, that will make others care more about and for you, to give you special treatment because you're poorly. But then you realise anorexia is ALL you have. And you're living to feed this thing that wants you dead."

    Nail. On. Head.

    The things she was telling me were so simple and profound. I kinda already knew them, but hearing them said out loud by someone else made it so worthwhile. To know that yes, it's normal to lie about having your midday snack, it's normal to gain all your weight in the tummy initially, it's normal to have nightmares that you've eaten more than your allocated amount each day, it's all things that she already faced. And having relapsed THREE times, hospitalised each time, from BMI of 21 to 12 and then back again - she surely knows what it is to endure it over the past ten years.

    With a refreshed mind and a re-found passion to succeed, I attended weigh-in.

    I have reached my first kilo gained - and now weigh 7 stones!! I am still conflicted... I am still terrified. But this is all for the best. I am told to still continue to eat 2000 calories per day in my initial stages to gain weight. Once again I am scared out of my mind of such a huge number (for me), my trousers pinch me, and I see a bloated, horrid belly... but the eyes I'm looking through are clouded by this disease, like a funfair mirror determined to disguise the real me.

    I need to focus on the fact that, at BMI of just 15 at the minute, I am nowhere near healthy, and until I am BMI 20, I cannot start the psychological recovery. And after hearing what this girl today had to say to me about being able to finally enjoy just saying, "hey, let's go out for a pizza hut before the film" - simple things - I thought, "I want that so badly. Time to dig in and not give up!"

    And I extend the same sentiments to you here. Imagine a free, liberated life like that!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    She smiled and said, "It's so normal. I did the exact same thing. You get frightened about silly things because you use anorexia as your comfort blanket and by going against what the anorexia tells you, you run the risk of losing it - and that means running the risk of losing that thing you think makes you special, that will make others care more about and for you, to give you special treatment because you're poorly. But then you realise anorexia is ALL you have. And you're living to feed this thing that wants you dead."

    Nail. On. Head.
    YES. I can completely empathise with this, and I'm sure almost all people with eating disorders can. What an amazingly honest woman!

    And of course, a massive congrats on your recent regain! :happy2: A kilo isn't a lot to the outside-world but it's such a huge step towards being healthy. :grin: I'm so jealous of your progress! It's true that we all need to get to a healthy weight in order to really challenge why we developed an eating disorder!

    On a side note, I had a funny moment in ASDA today. I was asked to pick a cereal bar so I can introduce it as a snack, and spent at least an hour online researching them and then 40 minutes in ASDA looking at the nutritional content.. comparing calories, fat, sugar and the likes. I picked one, went to the till where the sales assistant asked for £1 and I insisted that it cost 76p. Someone had to run over to the other end of the store to check the price!
    ...turns out I was so fixated on nutrition, I had confused the price with the calorie content. :facepalm2: I was so embarrassed! But I had to laugh. :laugh:
    If anyone is interested, I settled for a Banana and Toffee Cereal Bar, I wasn't happy with the toffee inside them, but I hate other fruit and the rest had chocolate or fudge in them which freaked me out.
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    Hya y'all, long time reader, first time poster.

    I'm 19, 5'9", 8 stone, Welsh. I've been bulimic since AS-levels, anorexia slowly settling in from there.

    I've been bullied since primary to secondary, often being called names with it getting violent a few times, but still finding it easy to make friends. My friends tending to be girls I began hearing more and more about weight, and as such I became more concious of my own.

    I admit I was chubby from a young age, my parents telling me that it was puppy fat and that it would melt away as I grew. As time went on I began thinking that it wasn't melting and that the only way that I would gain any control over it would be to melt that butter myself. This lead me first to go to the gym, then to reading labels, then to overeating, then to vomiting, then to starvation. It was not nice.

    In university I thought I had stopped the bulimia having dropped from 11 1/2 stone to 9 1/2 stone, in fact having stopped eating properly there simply wasn't the trigger. In the middle of term I managed to get quite a bad concussion at Halloween, killing my social life as I was unable to join in with anyone, this social outcasting being further compounded by the fact that I was studying pharmacy and as such struggled with the workload I had to catch up on. Within two months I dropped to 7 1/2 stone and it was decided that I would pull out of my course on health grounds at Christmas. I looked like death, felt like it too.

    When I came home I struggled once again with the eating disorders, the GP arranging some help but it only coming through... last week. I have raised myself back up to 8 stone but with recent happenings (most major of which being my parents divorce, moving in with my grandmother and career worres) the eating disorders are back and worse. Since coming back from Uni I became afraid to socialise due to the way I looked and so I've become a bit of a recluse.

    I know I have not gone into the details... but I don't want to overburden on my first post on this thread.

    Thought I should speak to someone about it.
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    Antiaris, do you still feel the need to binge/purge even now, throughout your current scenario?

    The start of it is obviously the isolation. You scare yourself into a corner, then the evil demon starts to manifest and sew the seeds in your mind that you need to do certain things/cannot do certain things.

    If you can avoid letting the initial stage happen you'll be dodging a bullet! But if you're already having these thoughts, maybe it's time to talk about it? We're all here to discuss what you have on your mind...
 
 
 
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