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    (Original post by squiff93)
    Noo don't do that, notice i didn't neg you it's because i understand these things happen :rolleyes:

    I didn't take it the way it was meant - trust me you aren't the only one in a bad mood, you deserve to be on this thread as much as anyone else! I just feel like ****e and to be honest pretty much everything i'd find triggering as im in 'that' kind of mood.

    The only reason i said arrogant was because it was like sort of saying i'm good because i'm not fat... i dno seriously - i get that your not an arrogant person. My heads just in a ****ed up way and is twisting stuff and tbh if i get triggered it's my own fault shouldn't blame someone else!

    I'm sorry. Don't feel bad! I just took my frustration out on you :hugs:
    As for sounding arrogant, I don't believe I'm not fat - if I did, I wouldn't be here in the first place. If I was prancing around claiming how thin I was then I would understand the accusation of being arrogant... but I never implied that I thought I was better than anyone else. That's why I got defensive.

    I'm going to keep off this thread anyway - I don't even have a diagnosis so I don't really belong here as it is. Thank you anyways, though.
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    (Original post by mijin)
    As for sounding arrogant, I don't believe I'm not fat - if I did, I wouldn't be here in the first place. If I was prancing around claiming how thin I was then I would understand the accusation of being arrogant... but I never implied that I thought I was better than anyone else. That's why I got defensive.

    I'm going to keep off this thread anyway - I don't even have a diagnosis so I don't really belong here as it is. Thank you anyways, though.
    Of course you belong here... eating 300 cals a day = disordered eating, regardless of whether or not you have a diagnosis.

    The thread acts as a good network of support - it's nice to feel you have people who can empathise with you to ask for support. Obviously not me as I just made you feel ****... I feel bad. Look it wasn't you, it was me being a pissy *****!

    Just don't take it to heart what i said... Please
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    Of course you belong here... eating 300 cals a day = disordered eating, regardless of whether or not you have a diagnosis.

    The thread acts as a good network of support - it's nice to feel you have people who can empathise with you to ask for support. Obviously not me as I just made you feel ****... I feel bad. Look it wasn't you, it was me being a pissy *****!

    Just don't take it to heart what i said... Please
    Don't worry, seriously. I take everything to heart, and I need to learn and grow a skin somehow. I'm really tired, have a raging headache and was upset even before I posted here heh, my mood is nothing to do with you, so please don't blame yourself. We need to stop this pantomime of 'it wasn't you, it was me!' - instead, how about we just say it was 50% me and 50% you and leave it at that.
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    (Original post by mijin)
    Don't worry, seriously. I take everything to heart, and I need to learn and grow a skin somehow. I'm really tired, have a raging headache and was upset even before I posted here heh, my mood is nothing to do with you, so please don't blame yourself. We need to stop this pantomime of 'it wasn't you, it was me!' - instead, how about we just say it was 50% me and 50% you and leave it at that.
    Deal

    Hope tomorrow is a better day for you!
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    Hey everyone, just popping in while I've got a spare minute : ) First real day at uni with some evening soc.s (FilmSoc and English pub-crawl, even if I hardly drink!) and as I commute there's no point going home so today's also the first day without the comfort of healthy home food that I can trust. I've kinda realised the majority of my anxiety/ED has emerged from growing increasingly insular in every aspect of my life when really I'm too much of a poet at heart for that to ever do me justice. My soul's been crying out for new horizons and experiences for far too long now. So I'm going to take a risk today and get a "forbidden" meal which I'm kinda s******g one about actually...free Personal Size Dominos with the student discount from the Freshers Fair.
    Okay, it's hardly the most original of meals but you know what, a free dinner is a free dinner and I fancy pizza for the first time in ages so what the hell
    Also, Paul Gilbert: "The Compassionate Mind". Good book, it's helped me a lot, might help some of you too : )
    Keep strong, guys and gals!
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Hey everyone, just popping in while I've got a spare minute : ) First real day at uni with some evening soc.s (FilmSoc and English pub-crawl, even if I hardly drink!) and as I commute there's no point going home so today's also the first day without the comfort of healthy home food that I can trust. I've kinda realised the majority of my anxiety/ED has emerged from growing increasingly insular in every aspect of my life when really I'm too much of a poet at heart for that to ever do me justice. My soul's been crying out for new horizons and experiences for far too long now. So I'm going to take a risk today and get a "forbidden" meal which I'm kinda s******g one about actually...free Personal Size Dominos with the student discount from the Freshers Fair.
    Okay, it's hardly the most original of meals but you know what, a free dinner is a free dinner and I fancy pizza for the first time in ages so what the hell
    Also, Paul Gilbert: "The Compassionate Mind". Good book, it's helped me a lot, might help some of you too : )
    Keep strong, guys and gals!
    I'm glad you're having a good first day. It's the same with me too here. At the moment everything is new so the ingrained habits are a bit more distant.
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Hi everyone. My name is Toto, if you'd like to refer to me by my screen name; or Tommy, if you'd like my actual name. Either way, a name is merely a name, just as a tag is merely a tag. And unfortunately, I am tagged many a time.


    All my love to everyone and the absolute best of luck in your own daily battles, regardless of what they may be!
    Brave man.

    I have never been diagnosed as having an eating disorder but I know full well that if left to my own devices I do have something mild which I have termed 'pseudo-bulemia'. Never made myself throw up but no sane person would ever believe the binge eating sessions I am capable of, which goes past discomfort and I can keep on eating despite feeling really full and actually in pain. But I never had purging sessions afterwards, however I did have a tendency to seriously limit kcal intake the next day.

    I also comfort eat when depressed.

    I lose fat easily, but I also gain and store it easily.

    I have various other health issues, digestive and blood sugar level kind, so have had periods in my life when I had limited kcal intake. anyway what I'd have liked to have asked you or anyone else that restricts their kcal so drastically,before I started counting kcal in order to make sure that I get what my BMR dictates (1400kcal) I was eating around 1000-1200kcal a day. I started experiencing depression, listlessness and just general apathy. I also lacked energy hugely. How on earth did you not experience these symptoms when you were eating 200kcal a day for weeks on end? How did you exist? How can you even move? I feel that I'd have been too weak to do anything.
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    I'm glad you're having a good first day. It's the same with me too here. At the moment everything is new so the ingrained habits are a bit more distant.
    Actually, it didn't go too well:

    Spoiler:
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    Around about 6 I had an orange and suddenly thought that with my resting heart rate coming in at below 40, I might be close to dying of a potassium overdose. (I've learned by now these thoughts don't make sense, but it doesn't make it any less scary at the time). The pizza seemed to be a good way of returning sodium to my body, so I went to get it (it wasn't free cost a fiver, I misread which was stupid but whatever) but had to eat it outside before FilmSoc.
    So me, sitting on a bench with a 7' pizza, feeling ridiculous and stupid and greedy and worthless and so alone, like the whole world was watching me eat complete junk and judging me, like even my body was taking it that step further from "beauty".
    Ironically I bumped into someone I knew on the way back, but had to leave the society from the shame.

    Spontaneity's still difficult right now, I guess. I hope it's going better for you. It's the EnglishSoc first meeting in half an hour, so maybe that'll brighten things up. I just wish I could have the strength to speak up again and possibly make a fresh start on what largely feels like a missed opportunity.
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    OK, I didn't even go to that I feel so terrible, just spent the last few hours on here. In fact I just feel lazy these days like nothing's being burned, I just sit on my butt for most of today. Basically I feel like a fraud again. Looks like I'm camping out the night in the library.
    I know I've posted this before but:
    a) How has anyone got round the thought "I'll only gain weight if it's healthy", which I interpet as "only muscle, little/no fat"? Anybody got tips for whimsical eating rather than sticking to the diet plan? Can talk about salt and saturates all I want but I know why I didn't enjoy the pizza really.
    b) Is it safe to do moderate/vigorous exercise with ED thoughts, or should I keep it light until it's not about the burn? All I think is "I could be going faster, doing more push-ups" etc., it bugs me even when a mate swims faster, so I've accepted there's no way I can weight train until I feel right about food.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Spoiler:
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    OK, I didn't even go to that I feel so terrible, just spent the last few hours on here. In fact I just feel lazy these days like nothing's being burned, I just sit on my butt for most of today. Basically I feel like a fraud again. Looks like I'm camping out the night in the library.
    I know I've posted this before but:
    a) How has anyone got round the thought "I'll only gain weight if it's healthy", which I interpet as "only muscle, little/no fat"? Anybody got tips for whimsical eating rather than sticking to the diet plan? Can talk about salt and saturates all I want but I know why I didn't enjoy the pizza really.
    b) Is it safe to do moderate/vigorous exercise with ED thoughts, or should I keep it light until it's not about the burn? All I think is "I could be going faster, doing more push-ups" etc., it bugs me even when a mate swims faster, so I've accepted there's no way I can weight train until I feel right about food.
    With regards with exercising, I think you're probably right to play it safe until you're feeling right about food.

    It can depend on the individual - I trained a lot even when I was struggling massively with ED thoughts, but in the end I realised I get more out of training than I do from the ED. I got to the point where our coach told me he'd stop me training if he saw me drastically losing more weight, and it was the turning point for me to start using training as a positive thing again - and to realise that I was being healthy by exercising, it was a good positive thing to do and I was achieving something by doing it, and all I was doing by not eating was destroying that for myself.

    Having said that, it took a good while to be able to train properly without that need to push myself too hard when I wasn't ready for it. So I would advise like you say, to keep it light until you're doing it for the right reasons. It's not worth the risk, and if you're being too hard on yourself while you're doing it you're not enjoying it anyway, and you'll potentially put yourself at more risk of injury.
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    Riku, you're in dangerous territory. That's how I relapsed the first time.

    You start to question the methodology of your recovery and the ED thoughts overtake logic again. Start to quantify your actions more. "Weight = fat." No. That statement is erroneous. Weight is fat, muscle, water, all manner of matter. But first and foremost, weight is REPAIR.

    I want to be able to train hard and get a good, toned body and get fit. But my bones literally splinter if I so much as jog. Why? Because my body is still INJURED. And your body is, too. If a racehorse became emaciated through malnutrition, you wouldn't enter it into the Grand National, would you? Then why would you do the same thing to yourself?

    Push yourself too hard and answer to the ED more and more, and you'll find you slip and tumble back into ED-dominated territory.

    Chin up, my friend. Level mind, clear spirit.
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    feel utterly stupid. starting eating normally cos of the exercise im currently doing to balance it but no happiness due to ugly body image and rightly so.
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    Thanks for the replies, guys. I completely understand that, but the thing is: I'm not malnourished anymore, in fact I never have been significantly. I'm 6' and 10.5/11 stone (fluctuates a bit when I see the GP, God am I glad Mum doesn't let us have scales now!). You wouldn't know I was suffering from anything if you looked at me. amount of times I've been to the doctor or gym trainer about these issues and they've come back saying "you're fit and healthy, you're not going to have a heart attack" etc., I'm fairly sure I'll be a registered hypochondriac soon. So to me, this barrier is almost lack of willpower and laziness on my behalf. Why am I scared, why do I struggle to do something which would have been a breeze back in the day? It's that comparison with the past self, the past self who I used to loathe and consider inferior to others and now see almost as an ideal that bugs me as much as anything! I've tried for years to be someone else and now all I want is to be me again, whoever that is. O cruel irony.
    Maybe I was stupid by letting myself be discharged from the service the moment I reached BMI 20, saying "I feel ready to give up the food diaries". The me presented at family meals beyond my parents is largely a cover-up to keep them from worrying too. So many lies, but what's it all for? The outside means nothing if the inside's still in pain.
    All the same, I know it's dangerous thinking, always has been. It's just I've hit that fatal barrier of being a healthy weight, and therefore having no medical reason to carry on gaining therefore immediately making weight gain or any risks a no-no again : /
    I should really be studying, barely done anything except fret since I got here. Don't want to screw up uni with this stupid deadly game of numbers and ratios, but it's like I fear the real person underneath it all...
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    Struggling so much I'm scared.

    I'll come back later.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Struggling so much I'm scared.

    I'll come back later.
    :console:
    • #50
    #50

    I'm now very very certain that all my purging is completely stress-related. I really don't have an issue with my body (not more than other girls anyway, no more than to the extent of "ohh my hips are so flabby") but I had an AMAZING weekend that let me forget about all my problems/depression/that sort of thing, and the food tasted even better It was just pure indulgence, I can't believe the amount of fancy restaurants I went to :teeth: Not ONCE did I think about purging. I was just happy.
    Thank you everyone for the support you have provided so far (you're probably gonna struggle with recognising me since I'm anon) and I wish everyone of you the best, and I've realised that sometimes all we need is a bit of love and care to bring us back to the road of recovery
    :hugs:
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    To anybody suffering:
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show...605712&page=43
    Read SoulDoubt's to-do list , and read Toto’s ordeal. Toto, the logic of what you said before has only just really hit home. Thanks again.
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show...605712&page=46
    Read what Antiaris says. Thank you too man, I’ve forgotten that I’m becoming GAD/EDNOS # 244479 rather than Tom again.
    One query today: low blood pressure. Probably not as a result of restriction for me (I'm getting 3 solid meals in a day, that was the promise), but possibly ODing the potassium and so forth from fruit and veggies, never ever EVER adding salt, barely ever having crisps etc. I'vestopped getting dizzy all the time which might help, but just wanted to ask at what stage a low BP becomes dangerous? I thought it'd help me feel less anxious, but it's started to make me feel moreso
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    I haven't been around here in a while, things have been a little bit hectic with the great returning-to-uni saga!
    Weirdly, things have been a little bit better. Last year going to uni had totally to opposite effect on me and everything went belly up. But not this time. I have no idea what changed, but I'm not questioning it.
    I'm sick of trying to find the negatives in everything, getting back into the mentality where I don't deserve to be better. I do. No one deserves an ED.

    Spoiler:
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    That's not to say I haven't been struggling at all. Feel like such a hypocrite saying that I'm doing better when by most people's standards I'm not doing well at all. I may be eating more and feeling mildly less anxious about it but the fact remains that this thing is still ruling my ****ing life. I'm justifying what I am eating by what I'm not. I'll cook myself a nice, normal sized meal. Offset by the fact that I've not touched anything else all day. I make myself lunch, that I'm "too busy" to eat. Some of the guilt I feel about eating has been replaced by anger - partly directed at myself and partly at this ED.

    I've noticed that my other issues have been triggered by upping my intake. My OCD has gone completely mental, and sharing a house with people who haven't seen this side of me isn't helping. They're untidy too, which just perpetuates the IMUSTCLEANEVERYTHING urge. I'm back where the drugs are too. I had a fairly restrained time the past month or two (ie when what I had ran out). Now I'm back and the temptation is too much. Again, not helped by the fact that some of my housemate's friends smoke a fair bit of weed, which I used to love. I can't do it anymore because it makes me hungry. That's the only thing that stops me. Most other things are fair game. I'm taking stuff and I don't really know what's in it, without anyone else knowing that I am. I realise how incredibly stupid I'm being, and how close I'm skirting to some real sticky situations but I enjoy it. I actually feel free from it all, and that the only way I can do that is artificially scares me to no end.


    However, the positives is where its at. I'm at a point where I WANT to break this thing. Which to me, mentally, is a huge step. I may not step right all the time but now I've opened my eyes and I'm going forward. Instead of closing them and pretending I am.
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    why the **** can't i drink and not binge after, why just why!? i don't understnad it's like i don't care when i do it, but i ****ing care after why don't i just say no! now i have to spend tomorrow worrying about it

    i guess i don't care as much which is a positive, but it pisses me off, why can't i be a normal 18 year old. is it normal to binge when you drink? i don't know, i want to miss breakfast tomorrow to compensate but i don't, because it's not going to help me. I don't WANT to restrict to be honest, i WANT to be normal. I just want a decent relationship with food I want to eat healthily and never mess up. I don't know why i can't.
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Struggling so much I'm scared.

    I'll come back later.
    :jumphug:

    Talk about it? :console: That can help sometimes. Keeping things bottled tends to make them eat on you from the inside.

    Spoiler:
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    Ah, okay. That wasn't exactly the prettiest of metaphors...
 
 
 
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