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Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice. watch

    • #50
    #50

    I feel soooo awful. Eurgh.
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    (Original post by squiff93)
    I was drunk, very drunk. todays been so messed up, but i'm going to put it behind me, tomorrow i go to university, fresh start

    I think i'm going to be fine, i won't have loads of food and binging won't be an option, nor will purging my meals... i think a change of scene is all i need.
    Squiff, good luck with uni, work hard, don't get too ****ered on freshers!
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    Starting to freak out over this bowl of pasta carbonara for lunch. Quite long, perhaps triggering but would love some help...
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    Mum asked if I wanted this bowl of pasta her partner was making and because I'm trying to let go a bit, I said "sure, whatever". Thing is, I love pasta, rice, potato, roast dinner, all the fairly healthy but highly calorific things. I also love cheese, so felt pretty comfy when she mentioned it having a "bit" after a huge list of veggies. Fair enough, let's give it a go, can't really hurt can it?
    Get home after walking round town for uni books and find it looks like Dolmio's been practically smothered over it.
    Now I'm very confused about fat. One minute I hear saturates are the killers, the next overdoing unsaturates especially trans-fats and partially hydrogenated. While there's some obvious bad guys out there like cakes, crisps, sweets, pie and various fast food joints, apparently most vegetable oil is pretty dangerous too. On another thread I got negged pretty badly and accused of being a broscientist for saying tuna mayo's OK for you in moderation. So anytime I buy a tuna mayo, or egg mayo, or chicken mayo sandwich etc. out of the necessity of being in town, I'm doing potentially worse harm to myself than burger and chips? :confused:
    This isn't the first time I've had a cheese-related slip. I can remember the first time I tried having a cheese sandwich again, I almost wrote my parents a suicide note. Basically I'm really not sure whether this is:
    a) A semi-rational fear of overdoing a type of fat linked closely by various studies (though contradicted by one) to raised cholesterol and increased risk of heart disease, especially considering how much I've probably already ****ed my health up from the restriction days (which doesn't explain why sometimes healthy fats like nuts are OK and other times are instant death)
    b) A semi-irrational fear stemming mainly from my anxiety and health worries, particularly the fact I've got this incomplete Bundle Branch Block, my nan had a heart attack a couple of years back and my uncle's currently recovering in hospital from a seizure and minor aneurysm
    c) A completely irrational and utterly ED-fuelled fear of eating fat as being weak and inferior, given that my actual disordered eating thoughts took over and the panic attacks began after some guys in my year started mocking me for having a slice of cheesecake on the Oxbridge open weekend (different I know, but maybe that's the cause?)

    Sooo confused and scared a bit from what should have been a really enjoyable meal! I've eaten it (granted it took like quarter of an hour to stop staring at the plate like I'd just downed a tub of lard,) and while it's perhaps not the healthiest thing in the world I don't want to hurt Mum's feelings when she's trying so hard to cater to my ever-changing needs and phobias : / thoughts?
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    (Original post by Riku)
    thoughts?
    Ahoy thar Riku!

    Firstly let me shake you warmly by the hand (internet-stylee of course) for confronting such a big fear. A bowl of pasta is as normal as norman to most people but for a lot of ED sufferers (I'd be willing to be almost all ED sufferers actually) it's a massively scary premise, so to have done what you did is seriously amazing. Please be proud of it

    Do you think that perhaps you're focusing on the cheese, fat, potential health consequences etc, etc, as a means of deferring some of the panic and anxiety that inevitably happens when you challenge your ED? It seems you've got your head raging in a loop when possibly, if you take a step back for a moment, you might realise that you're obsessing over something that was
    fabricated/excaberated by the ED to derail you. These are just my musings though, obviously I'm not in your head and I don't have mystical powers (..yet), so feel free to tell me off if I'm wrong.

    Maybe you're getting so anxious because you weren't quite ready for such a challenge. I'm all for pushing yourself as hard as you can (in my experience the baby-steps approach ends up in my version of the stationary approach, concluding in the backwards-into-ED-silliness approach), but maybe you could start off by having just a bit of cheese a week until you get more used to it and more comfortable with the idea of eating it. Sometimes when we're desperate for recovery, for a LIFE, we throw ourselves head-on at our biggest fears in the hope that enough gusto and forcing will get us to our goal quicker. It usually has the opposite effect though! Keep challenging yourself, and keep in mind the bigger picture, but give yourself a break every now and then too. Recovery isn't a magical ride along a rainbow, it's hellfire! But you'll get there, oh yes indeed you will.





    While I'm rambling, I have an extra piece of "advice" (you will understand the quotation marks when you read how lame it is) for you all. After eating something your ED wasn't entirely happy about, if you start freaking out/getting in a tiz/crying and shaking in the corner etc, try this: stand up immediately and DO A SHIMMY. Or a jig if you'd prefer....a bop, even. I SWEAR it helps (honest, I'm not just saying this as a feeble attempt at humour, it WORKS I tell you!), it clears the head, gets some endorphins going, and suddenly you find yourself wondering what all the fuss was about. I'm shoulder-shimmying right now actually. It feels fantastic.

    P.S. I didn't quite make my goal of 5 lb increase before uni restarted, but I'm working on getting more protein in my diet (musclesss) and I WILL get there!
    • #50
    #50

    I have gained like 3 kilos in the past 4 days :lolwut: I did have big binges but I though I'd got rid of most... Oh dear. I must try and be more careful.

    (But then, weight ain't everything, right? )
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    (Original post by cloppy)
    Ahoy thar Riku!

    Firstly let me shake you warmly by the hand (internet-stylee of course) for confronting such a big fear. A bowl of pasta is as normal as norman to most people but for a lot of ED sufferers (I'd be willing to be almost all ED sufferers actually) it's a massively scary premise, so to have done what you did is seriously amazing. Please be proud of it

    Do you think that perhaps you're focusing on the cheese, fat, potential health consequences etc, etc, as a means of deferring some of the panic and anxiety that inevitably happens when you challenge your ED? It seems you've got your head raging in a loop when possibly, if you take a step back for a moment, you might realise that you're obsessing over something that was
    fabricated/excaberated by the ED to derail you. These are just my musings though, obviously I'm not in your head and I don't have mystical powers (..yet), so feel free to tell me off if I'm wrong.

    Maybe you're getting so anxious because you weren't quite ready for such a challenge. I'm all for pushing yourself as hard as you can (in my experience the baby-steps approach ends up in my version of the stationary approach, concluding in the backwards-into-ED-silliness approach), but maybe you could start off by having just a bit of cheese a week until you get more used to it and more comfortable with the idea of eating it. Sometimes when we're desperate for recovery, for a LIFE, we throw ourselves head-on at our biggest fears in the hope that enough gusto and forcing will get us to our goal quicker. It usually has the opposite effect though! Keep challenging yourself, and keep in mind the bigger picture, but give yourself a break every now and then too. Recovery isn't a magical ride along a rainbow, it's hellfire! But you'll get there, oh yes indeed you will.


    While I'm rambling, I have an extra piece of "advice" (you will understand the quotation marks when you read how lame it is) for you all. After eating something your ED wasn't entirely happy about, if you start freaking out/getting in a tiz/crying and shaking in the corner etc, try this: stand up immediately and DO A SHIMMY. Or a jig if you'd prefer....a bop, even. I SWEAR it helps (honest, I'm not just saying this as a feeble attempt at humour, it WORKS I tell you!), it clears the head, gets some endorphins going, and suddenly you find yourself wondering what all the fuss was about. I'm shoulder-shimmying right now actually. It feels fantastic.

    P.S. I didn't quite make my goal of 5 lb increase before uni restarted, but I'm working on getting more protein in my diet (musclesss) and I WILL get there!
    Ahoy, fellow shipmate on HMS Recovery : P well you're very right and slightly wrong at the same time, Cloppy-though that "yet" is a little alarming :')
    It's not actually my first bowl of pasta, I have been eating various big "filling" dishes like that for a while now. I'm caught in the middle of two mindsets really, one which is full-blown AN and the other's what's been referred to in the media as orthorexia. It's the easiest way I can describe it tbh, but essentially in trying to battle the ED, I seem to have created entirely new disordered eating thoughts and behaviours revolving round undoing the damage I did to myself last year by being as "healthy and fit" as humanly possible to keep me ticking over. Sounds like a recipe for success, you might say..,.
    (next bit could be extremely triggering for some)
    Spoiler:
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    Except it's not. Whole of this Christmas and the first half of this year was spent with what I presume to be chest pain from tearing apart my pecs in the gym (never try and workout with weights to build muscle on <1000kcal) thinking aaargh, I'm gonna die I'm gonna die from CHD. CHD from clogged arteries when entering an underweight BMI and around 3% body fat from such a restrictive diet and mildly torturous exercise regime? Clearly in hindsight I was just telling myself I'm fat, and that made me in ED's demonic eyes unworthy of life. So hospital, ECG, cardiologist, Holter monitor, exercise stress test, I went through the works. What that told me was I didn't actually want to kill myself with this stupid number game, which is great except I now treat myself as if I'm waiting on Death's door, and the rules to gain weight "healthily" constantly change. One minute protein keeps me lean and mean, the next it leads to high blood pressure, so actually I need carbs. But "carbs make you fat" and "there's so many calories" so instead back to protein. But you need some fat too, right? Maybe fish, nuts, stay away from those saturates though they're terrible for you? Then some study comes through saying that saturated fat is benign, it's polyun.s and various lethal vegetable oils (supposedly really good for you) that are best? Effectively I ended up being afraid to move in school until lunch, then flitting between either eating nothing but a bit of a tuna sandwich all day or bingeing on several cantine meals in one sitting. The sheer anxiety of so many potential killers actually made me lose more weight; I'm amazed at how I managed not to just turn back to the simple route of not eating anything (if everything's bad for you, how can nothing be worse, I thought).

    Thankfully I'm slightly past that stage of extremism and back to a healthy BMI too, but old habits die hard even with the dietician's insight. Fruit's the closest thing to safety I get, which is pretty poor but hey-ho. Same for exercise-even after an all clear on the stress yesy I'm also trying to get back in the gym but it's ridiculously difficult, I'm left with residual anxiety and panic attacks around anything taxing my heart (keep thinking I "cant breathe" "going to have a heart attack", for example) while also fighting the urge to overexercise (which I'm not very good at fighting still really. Weight gain's no longer imperative therefore seems dangerous )
    I made a rule to eat whatever I was given without changing it to make it "better" sometime back too, so I do fake it at those big family reunion roast dinners sometimes for the sake of the likes of my grandparents when my old self just spills out and gorges on the luxury of it all, but like all of us, it's an ongoing and seemingly neverending struggle, and often I do just end up sitting here, doing nothing and getting afraid to climb stairs, therefore to eat dinner.
    Sorry that I've repeated my recent life story for your benefit :')
    So as you might deduce from all of that (though I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, don't really understand it myself half the time) the pasta isn't really the issue now, it's more the cheese than anything. Moi et le fromage share a kind of fatal romance for me and always have, sadly. In fact back in the netherworld of reality some years back, my week of working out would've come crashing down due to the temptation of a huge bowl of cheesy pasta or the like. It's only actually been since this cheesecake incident that it's meant anything bad about me as a person to eat cheese or pastry though, and that's reallly hard to shrug off when these things are supposedly not great for you anyway. Personally I reckon I've had these thoughts for years, but they've been kept at bay by the ability to pump it. Without that-why it's become so hard to exercise, I have no idea-all hell's broken loose.

    My rant over. I'm not expecting a clear-cut answer to this mind-numing chaos that's my head and I know this is more anxiety disorder territory than ED anyway, but thanks for the suggestion. And don't worry, you'll get there too.
    Might go shimmy off this jacket potato now!
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    Food shopping is really hard
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    Food shopping is really hard
    :hugs: How did you get on?
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    (Original post by Riku)
    :hugs: How did you get on?
    soup, veg and apples =/
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    soup, veg and apples =/
    Well it's a good start, you've come back with something after all! That's better than I'd be able to do sometimes. Can quite easily do a vegetable soup if you wanted?
    Would other fruit/bread/milk all be off limits? I personally find bananas, pineapple and any forest fruit is just heaven
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Well it's a good start, you've come back with something after all! That's better than I'd be able to do sometimes. Can quite easily do a vegetable soup if you wanted?
    Would other fruit/bread/milk all be off limits? I personally find bananas, pineapple and any forest fruit is just heaven
    I have brown bread in the freezer but it's a bit scary atm .... I love pineapples though so next time those.
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    I have brown bread in the freezer but it's a bit scary atm .... I love pineapples though so next time those.
    That's okay, brown bread's great for you and has loads of fibre it won't do any harm, and you only have to have a slice or two if you want, maybe with your soup?
    Or perhaps save it and have a pineapple sandwich
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    (Original post by Riku)
    That's okay, brown bread's great for you and has loads of fibre it won't do any harm, and you only have to have a slice or two if you want, maybe with your soup?
    Or perhaps save it and have a pineapple sandwich
    I actually like the sound of pineapple on toast is that weird?
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    (Original post by Cinamon)
    I actually like the sound of pineapple on toast is that weird?
    Weird is relative, to the boring majority perhaps it is, to me that sounds like a new dessert plan
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    Guys I think I have an Internet addiction too and it's really hampering recovery/return to fitness, not to mention getting out there with people at uni 0_0
    I mean it predated the panic attacks/ED behaviours but was happening at the same time as my mild depression/overly healthy lifestyle as compensation, but I think it's still running away from my anxiety and feelings. In any case it's making me stupidly tired and means I'm probably not repairing fully after exercise anyway, so it's gotta go.
    Helppp
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    (Original post by cloppy)
    Ahoy thar Riku!

    Firstly let me shake you warmly by the hand (internet-stylee of course) for confronting such a big fear. A bowl of pasta is as normal as norman to most people but for a lot of ED sufferers (I'd be willing to be almost all ED sufferers actually) it's a massively scary premise, so to have done what you did is seriously amazing. Please be proud of it

    Do you think that perhaps you're focusing on the cheese, fat, potential health consequences etc, etc, as a means of deferring some of the panic and anxiety that inevitably happens when you challenge your ED? It seems you've got your head raging in a loop when possibly, if you take a step back for a moment, you might realise that you're obsessing over something that was
    fabricated/excaberated by the ED to derail you. These are just my musings though, obviously I'm not in your head and I don't have mystical powers (..yet), so feel free to tell me off if I'm wrong.

    Maybe you're getting so anxious because you weren't quite ready for such a challenge. I'm all for pushing yourself as hard as you can (in my experience the baby-steps approach ends up in my version of the stationary approach, concluding in the backwards-into-ED-silliness approach), but maybe you could start off by having just a bit of cheese a week until you get more used to it and more comfortable with the idea of eating it. Sometimes when we're desperate for recovery, for a LIFE, we throw ourselves head-on at our biggest fears in the hope that enough gusto and forcing will get us to our goal quicker. It usually has the opposite effect though! Keep challenging yourself, and keep in mind the bigger picture, but give yourself a break every now and then too. Recovery isn't a magical ride along a rainbow, it's hellfire! But you'll get there, oh yes indeed you will.





    While I'm rambling, I have an extra piece of "advice" (you will understand the quotation marks when you read how lame it is) for you all. After eating something your ED wasn't entirely happy about, if you start freaking out/getting in a tiz/crying and shaking in the corner etc, try this: stand up immediately and DO A SHIMMY. Or a jig if you'd prefer....a bop, even. I SWEAR it helps (honest, I'm not just saying this as a feeble attempt at humour, it WORKS I tell you!), it clears the head, gets some endorphins going, and suddenly you find yourself wondering what all the fuss was about. I'm shoulder-shimmying right now actually. It feels fantastic.

    P.S. I didn't quite make my goal of 5 lb increase before uni restarted, but I'm working on getting more protein in my diet (musclesss) and I WILL get there!
    I have come to the conclusion that I actually love you because the bit in bold has made me laugh so hard! It sounds kind of like the advice I heard from someone to sing the ED thoughts to the tune of a nursery rhyme. It's so silly that it sort of takes away the power of your thoughts. I tried it once and did burst out laughing, though it kind of turned into hysteria which I don't think was the aim. I swear it's actually some form of therapy I don't know the name of...

    I just got back from Glee club and it was awesome. And my day has actually been made by the discovery that I'm a soprano. I can play Joanna in Sweeney Todd! And Cinderella in Into the Woods! And not just imagine that I can do it! And I totally need to start a musical theatre society because frankly, it's kind of obscene that there isn't one already! :awesome: Perfect distraction. Except now I'm feeling mega stressed out because I have a folio of texts that I need to read for my course (not right now) but it's making me feel guilty for wanting to finish the book I started. :sad:
    And I desperately need some sleep. And I've had too many doctors appointments recently and I have to have an ECG and a blood test for my referral to be sorted out and ECGs are the most awkward thing ever. I mean, really awkward. And there isn't even anything wrong with me apart from my head. And tomorrow is a ridiculously busy day and I really wanted to go to the jobs and volunteering fair and I won't have time because I have to jet home before my second lecture for a delivery and I really really want a job because I'm spending too much money. If I do a million things then I won't have time to think about my rubbishy mind(set).

    I hope everyone's ok. :hugs:
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    Riku. Think straight for a moment. You're freaking out over a dinner most normal folks wouldn't bat an eyelid at! Pasta and other carbs are usually danger foods for us, but in reality they won't cause you to implode or burst into flames my man.

    Be proud of taking that step.

    All of us use our disorders as a barrier from SOME kind of responsibility, and the chances are we continue to perpetuate our disorders in order to postpone an inevitable life choice. For me, getting better terrifies me as it means I will have to return to a normal adult life... hence a lot of my posts are very retrospective and juvenile. Perhaps your internet introversion is a similar thing.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Guys I think I have an Internet addiction too and it's really hampering recovery/return to fitness, not to mention getting out there with people at uni 0_0
    I mean it predated the panic attacks/ED behaviours but was happening at the same time as my mild depression/overly healthy lifestyle as compensation, but I think it's still running away from my anxiety and feelings. In any case it's making me stupidly tired and means I'm probably not repairing fully after exercise anyway, so it's gotta go.
    Helppp
    How funny Riku. I literally just saw this post on Something Fishy. :hugs:
    http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/s...ad.php?t=53287
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    I'm starting to become aware just how severely I delineate between food I 'like' and food I 'don't'. Just watching a simple cooking programme, as I am apt to do, and not one dish would I eat. They all had things in that, for one reason or another, I don't like. Although I'm not entirely sure what proportions of my likes/dislikes and general pickiness is to do with the ED or just the fact I don't like the taste of some things.

    Now I'm trying to work out what motivated my decision to become a vegetarian 4 years ago. My standard answer is that I don't like the way meat tastes. I'm starting to doubt that is 100% true.

    I know some level of fussiness is to be expected from an ED, but does anyone else have these arbitrary little rulings that are pretty much completely made up? Like, I'll munch on a lemon (fresh lemon, yum) but I hate anything lemon-flavoured, even lemonade.

    Not entirely sure what this post is about. It just kinda hit me, that's all.
    God, it's ridiculous how pervasive this thing is.
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    Merjambles, the ED is an illogical thing to begin with. That's one of the most frustrating aspects of it. It's an arbitrary set of rules a flawed section of your mind has set for you, and you are now a slave to.

    Much like a collar without a leash, you are bound to nothing but feel owned by it nonetheless.

    In an anorexic mindset I have conditioned myself to "hate" cheese. I "hate" butter. I "hate" creamy carbonaras. But I don't. I know I don't, but the ED has convinced me to such a degree that this phantom hatred exhibits itself as reality (I genuinely DO gag whilst eating thick melted cheese now). Oddly enough I enjoy the taste but the ED tells me otherwise, that I hate it, that it's disgusting. And as such, my mind is tainted and now I physically exhibit the symptoms of someone who might've actually GENUINELY hated it...

    ED is a powerful force, but only to the respective slave to it. In reality, it is a figment of our imagination. Unfortunately, it is one that has consumed each and every one of us.
 
 
 
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