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    Oh and, if I do tell anyone here they'll just think I'm too fat to actually have a serious eating disorder, because there are two ridiculously skinny girls upstairs who eat chips all the time and everyone fancies them regardless. There is also a boy in my flat who I am hitting it off with, and already I have started to equate eating less with getting on better with him, which means if I get rejected, I am going to go into a massive spiral. Which of course is completely overreacting since we have only just met.
    Rant really over this time.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Also the fat is what makes up the wall of every single cell - it is fundamental to actually being a multicellular organism!
    Love this!
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    (Original post by TotoMimo)
    Sentiment, you're going to need to offer more in the way of details here, honey!!

    Riku, the good thing is you KNOW how absurd that sounds. The problem is,you're letting it rule you regardless! Think about how many people eat peanut butter every day on sandwiches and they're skinny. It's a carb-fat combo! But they're skinny!! Whaaa?

    The cute and simple way of looking at it is:

    Protein is the building blocks, the muscle-building stuff.
    Carbohydrates are like the little workers that use the blocks to build healthy body mass.
    Fat is like the lubricant and food that makes the Carby workers' lives much easier to do this,
    and Vitamins and Minerals are the cement that hold the blocks together and maintain them!

    (This isn't scientifically nor medically sound, but it's super-cute and helped my young nephew appreciate why he can't not eat his peas)
    Tried to pos rep this but can't apparently :')
    Thanks Toto, but when you've got to a point of dropping a packet of apricots on the train from the potassium fear, I think it's time to be re-referred to the dietician : / Even though it's not dissipated the worry all that much, it's made me giggle so kudos to you!
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Tried to pos rep this but can't apparently :')
    Thanks Toto, but when you've got to a point of dropping a packet of apricots on the train from the potassium fear, I think it's time to be re-referred to the dietician : / Even though it's not dissipated the worry all that much, it's made me giggle so kudos to you!
    If use a really,really powerful microscope, the phospholipid bilayer looks like little circles with squiggly legs on them, they're actually quite cute.
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    (Original post by sentiment)
    Truth is, I don't want to get better, I want to get worse. At the same time, I want to ace my course, get a first and go on to have an amazing career. Unfortunately I can't have everything.
    .
    You sound in constant emotional conflict, but like me, at least you realise this. Acceptance is the first stage of recovery.



    (Original post by sentiment)
    Oh and, if I do tell anyone here they'll just think I'm too fat to actually have a serious eating disorder, because there are two ridiculously skinny girls upstairs who eat chips all the time and everyone fancies them regardless. There is also a boy in my flat who I am hitting it off with, and already I have started to equate eating less with getting on better with him, which means if I get rejected, I am going to go into a massive spiral. Which of course is completely overreacting since we have only just met.
    Rant really over this time.
    In other words, these people are morons, or at least highly insensitive to the true machinations behind an ED. Sadly that goes for the majority of the population, mainly because the easiest way to portray the impact of a condition is to take it to its extremes without considering the many traumatic shades of grey in between.
    Unfortunately I'm gonna have to be a hypocrite and really don't intend to sound patronising but am gonna have to do exactly that with your guy scenario, just to get the point across. You wouldn't equate eating less with getting on with him better if, say, he invited you up to his bedroom and you collapsed on the stairs from heart failure would you?
    But again, you realise this so stay true to yourself. It's a stressful time, by all means enjoy it but try your best not to link fun with ED fuel!
    :hugs:
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    (Original post by Riku)
    You sound in constant emotional conflict, but like me, at least you realise this. Acceptance is the first stage of recovery.





    In other words, these people are morons, or at least highly insensitive to the true machinations behind an ED. Sadly that goes for the majority of the population, mainly because the easiest way to portray the impact of a condition is to take it to its extremes without considering the many traumatic shades of grey in between.
    Unfortunately I'm gonna have to be a hypocrite and really don't intend to sound patronising but am gonna have to do exactly that with your guy scenario, just to get the point across. You wouldn't equate eating less with getting on with him better if, say, he invited you up to his bedroom and you collapsed on the stairs from heart failure would you?
    But again, you realise this so stay true to yourself. It's a stressful time, by all means enjoy it but try your best not to link fun with ED fuel!
    :hugs:
    You're right, of course. Also, there's nothing sexy about emotional baggage. I am just too much of a liability at the moment.
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    Well.... haven't posted in ages and I've been trying to post for about 2 weeks but I've always deleted it so here goes. Spoilered parts contain weight or general triggering thoughts.

    My referral to the ED services here finally came through and I saw them today, spilled my guts and explained EVERYTHING and didn't leave anything out. The therapist actually seemed a bit taken aback and said that she was going to make sure that I was top of the referral list. Which should be 'good' because even I know I need it but the second she said that I felt like I didn't need/want help. :s
    I got weighed and I freaked out even though I'd actually
    Spoiler:
    Show
    lost
    because my BMI is
    Spoiler:
    Show
    18
    and it's a head**** that everything is going to **** and it's still not showing in my weight. I feel like I can't fully commit myself to recovery until I'm 'ill' again. Where will that get me? But I can't think rationally. Been crying to my mum all evening and having a strange kind of deja vu to my nights in hospital when I was just as worked up and saying the same things. My parents keep asking me what I want to do because I suppose it's obvious that I'm not doing very well somehow.
    I feel trapped because I don't really want to stay here. My uni is great, I don't love the course yet but I don't hate it but I'm getting more and more anxious and it's getting harder and harder to leave my room, I'm getting scared to speak in my seminars even when I have something to say and I'm just a mess, I'm desperately trying not to let anything beat me and so I'm refusing to leave but I don't want to stay here because my ED is making me miserable, my mood is getting worse and worse, I'm more desperate and irrational than I usually am and I feel like I don't even know how to pull myself out of it and my thoughts are going to places they haven't been in years. I have to get myself vaguely better but I just don't even know what's happening in my head. I'll probably keep carrying on because I'm stubborn but I don't even know if I want to do the degree I'm doing anymore and I'm not really in the best headspace. All I keep thinking is that I want to let the ED get worse just so I don't have to deal with it, just so it doesn't hurt so much that I can see everyone having fun and I can see what I'm missing out on. But I want so much from life that I want to cry. I want to stop looking so miserable and droopy, I want to smile genuinely, I want to eat a proper meal, I want to do amazingly well in my degree and feel confident enough in my writing that I can do something with it. My sister said to me that she doesn't know where I've gone because the old DD wouldn't let anything beat her and she said that she's starting to forget who I was/really am and she said that she wants her sister back. :sad: I'm sick of upsetting everyone and I thought me being far away would make it easier but it just makes them more worried. Just kind of a bit... I don't know. Numb? Confused? Nothing's getting through to me. :sad:
    I'm going to get through this though and I'm going to end up stronger than ever. Been listening to Demi Levato's 'Skyscraper' and it's made me feel a bit more able to fight. Funny how music does that.

    Hope you're all ok.
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    (Original post by sophiemay20)
    it was getting more and more stressful. Plus, I was on the course to then go on to do OT (health).. no uni is going to accept me with this on record.
    Congratulations on taking such a massive step! You've been so brave.
    Just thought I should share something with you - you're very wrong about uni. I'm starting my nursing training this year and still have a diagnosis of anorexia. They wish to see me improve within the year I have before then, but they have referred me to their ED services for when I go there. Anything is possible, you'll be capable of so much when you're getting well again!
    • #10
    #10

    Im totally confused :hmmmm:

    When I stopped bingeing and purging I gained.

    Now I am bingeing and purging most days, I lost. I dont get it, my psych told me b/p would make me gain. They keep changing my diagnosis from bulimic/anorexic w purging subtype.
    My BMI is so variable between 16.8-18.0

    I know its more about how you feel than what you weigh. But I cant seem to get a handle on thisin terms of understanding what is going on physiologically. I feel like, because thats my area f study, it will helpme to orientate myself.

    But im so utter confused in what i want, where i should be going and what is happening...CONFUSED!
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    :hugs: Tommy, you are such a brave person to speak so openly about this, and you've highlighted a huge misconception people have about eating disorders. It makes anorexia seem so superficial when people believe they starve themselves to look "good".

    I, too, suffer from Anorexia, triggered mostly by previously abusive relationships, bullying and a "rocky" home-life. I won't go into detail about these things, I feel so ashamed to have let people run me down like that.

    I had to be taken out of my second year of College because I became so underweight and unwell. I sunk into a horrible depression in the months waiting to start College again because all my 'friends' essentially forgot about me, and I felt like I'd lost my purpose without something to work towards like University.

    Fast-forward (about a year or so) to now, I'm about to start my exams in my third year of College, and still struggling. Yesterday my therapist told me that I'd lost weight again (despite adding a glass of milk to my diet :mad:) and if I don't gain 0.2kg by next weeks weigh-in I'll be put into hospital. I'm working myself up completely over this, because I'm terrified of having to cancel my exams AGAIN - which would mean not going on to be a Mental Health Nurse in September. So I'm eating an extra banana and a glass of orange juice a day, and even though I hate myself for it and crying like a loon every hour, I know it'll get easier and that if I don't do this I won't be able to help others in my situation.

    Please continue with your treatment, it is one of the greatest achievements beating an eating disorder and no doubt you will be an inspiration to others when you do.
    If you don't mind my asking- will a history of anorexia affect your application to become a mental health nurse?
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Well.... haven't posted in ages and I've been trying to post for about 2 weeks but I've always deleted it so here goes. Spoilered parts contain weight or general triggering thoughts.

    My referral to the ED services here finally came through and I saw them today, spilled my guts and explained EVERYTHING and didn't leave anything out. The therapist actually seemed a bit taken aback and said that she was going to make sure that I was top of the referral list. Which should be 'good' because even I know I need it but the second she said that I felt like I didn't need/want help. :s
    I got weighed and I freaked out even though I'd actually
    Spoiler:
    Show
    lost
    because my BMI is
    Spoiler:
    Show
    18
    and it's a head**** that everything is going to **** and it's still not showing in my weight. I feel like I can't fully commit myself to recovery until I'm 'ill' again. Where will that get me? But I can't think rationally. Been crying to my mum all evening and having a strange kind of deja vu to my nights in hospital when I was just as worked up and saying the same things. My parents keep asking me what I want to do because I suppose it's obvious that I'm not doing very well somehow.
    I feel trapped because I don't really want to stay here. My uni is great, I don't love the course yet but I don't hate it but I'm getting more and more anxious and it's getting harder and harder to leave my room, I'm getting scared to speak in my seminars even when I have something to say and I'm just a mess, I'm desperately trying not to let anything beat me and so I'm refusing to leave but I don't want to stay here because my ED is making me miserable, my mood is getting worse and worse, I'm more desperate and irrational than I usually am and I feel like I don't even know how to pull myself out of it and my thoughts are going to places they haven't been in years. I have to get myself vaguely better but I just don't even know what's happening in my head. I'll probably keep carrying on because I'm stubborn but I don't even know if I want to do the degree I'm doing anymore and I'm not really in the best headspace. All I keep thinking is that I want to let the ED get worse just so I don't have to deal with it, just so it doesn't hurt so much that I can see everyone having fun and I can see what I'm missing out on. But I want so much from life that I want to cry. I want to stop looking so miserable and droopy, I want to smile genuinely, I want to eat a proper meal, I want to do amazingly well in my degree and feel confident enough in my writing that I can do something with it. My sister said to me that she doesn't know where I've gone because the old DD wouldn't let anything beat her and she said that she's starting to forget who I was/really am and she said that she wants her sister back. :sad: I'm sick of upsetting everyone and I thought me being far away would make it easier but it just makes them more worried. Just kind of a bit... I don't know. Numb? Confused? Nothing's getting through to me. :sad:
    I'm going to get through this though and I'm going to end up stronger than ever. Been listening to Demi Levato's 'Skyscraper' and it's made me feel a bit more able to fight. Funny how music does that.

    Hope you're all ok.
    :jumphug:

    Firstly, you have every right to feel down or upset or confused or numb - don't for one second think that because you're trying to fight this means that you're not allowed to struggle! It sounds like you're having an awful time, but what you said at the end is so much truer than I think you realise: because you WILL get through this and you'll come out of it far more bloody strong than anyone around you.

    Overcoming an ED requires an extraordinary amount of willpower that all appears inverse and counter effective: you're forcing yourself to think positively about food instead of negatively; trying to not worry instead of obsess; EAT rather than abstain. These are all things you've previously done EVERYHTING to ensure you compile to the complete opposite. And that all makes overcoming an ED ridiculously difficult because you've got conflicting negative thoughts which seem to be fighting back the positive ones: a BMI of 18 is 'healthy' which screams to you the opposite - firstly can I say that one of the most stunning (both facially and with regards to her figure) friends has a BMI of 19 who is not at all what you would describe as 'curvy' or anything. BMI is a very generalised measurement of healthy weight; it works for the majority and it lets doctors know who is critically ill by noticing if they're at either ends of the spectrum. It doesn't however take into account weight-distribution, muscle mass, bone structure etc meaning you get some people who are perfectly natural and healthy at high BMIs or low ones like yours. 18 is healthy, but it's the bottom end of healthy. It's nothing to dwell on or fret about and CERTAINLY nothing you should try to bring down.


    Everyone has doubts and worries and tends to think at multiple occasions (spoken to God knows how many Junior Doctors which said they considered quitting med school at least 9 times!) that their degree might not be right for them. Fact is, you worked bloody hard to get where your at, your GOOD at what you're doing (despite what your head might be telling you) and if you found yourself previously loving writing, chances are that'll all come flooding back ten-fold when you come out of your degree and secure a writing post (OR BECOME AN AUTHOR! :gasp:) and be generally awesome and amazing :grin: (because you are, 'kay?). Please don't think that because you're going through a rough patch you should give up... it sounds superficial and silly but everyone -regardless of their situation or history, be it an ED or just a difficult few weeks - gets down sometimes and you CAN fight this and get out of it all.

    It's brilliant that you've brought people somewhat up to speed about everything; you've just got to remember that you have support and that even if you climb really high and make progress only to fall back again you're going to have people there to catch you and make sure you're okay. Fighting an Eating Disorder is one of the most difficult things someone can do, but you're definitely strong enough for it.

    Hope things get a bit better soon,

    :jumphug: :hugs: :penguinhug:

    Lily
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    (Original post by Elissabeth)
    If you don't mind my asking- will a history of anorexia affect your application to become a mental health nurse?
    It did... Sort of. Obviously I declared it, said I was still in treatment but at a point where I felt very ready to do the course. I had occupational health meetings and they deferred my place for a year so they can see me sustain the improvements I've made.
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    It did... Sort of. Obviously I declared it, said I was still in treatment but at a point where I felt very ready to do the course. I had occupational health meetings and they deferred my place for a year so they can see me sustain the improvements I've made.
    Thats really good- I'm glad.

    I'm not anorexic; but I have stuff on my health records like depression and I used to take anti-depressants for a while.

    I'm really worried how this will affect which jobs I can do.

    If I'd have known, I'd never, ever willingly have sought any treatment. Its so unfair, in many ways worse than a criminal record; only it's not a crime to be ill is it?

    At least most criminal convictions get wiped after a certain amount of time
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    (Original post by Elissabeth)
    Thats really good- I'm glad.

    I'm not anorexic; but I have stuff on my health records like depression and I used to take anti-depressants for a while.

    I'm really worried how this will affect which jobs I can do.

    If I'd have known, I'd never, ever willingly have sought any treatment. Its so unfair, in many ways worse than a criminal record; only it's not a crime to be ill is it?

    At least most criminal convictions get wiped after a certain amount of time
    I have been taking antidepressants for many many years - occupational health had no problem with this and said I will be okay taking them when on the course. The nurse said I would be surprised how many healthcare professionals are on anti-ds. :yep:
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    I have been taking antidepressants for many many years - occupational health had no problem with this and said I will be okay taking them when on the course. The nurse said I would be surprised how many healthcare professionals are on anti-ds. :yep:
    Cheers, your awesome, made me feel a lot more positive about the future!

    I really hope you get better!
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    (Original post by Lily Academia)
    :jumphug:

    Firstly, you have every right to feel down or upset or confused or numb - don't for one second think that because you're trying to fight this means that you're not allowed to struggle! It sounds like you're having an awful time, but what you said at the end is so much truer than I think you realise: because you WILL get through this and you'll come out of it far more bloody strong than anyone around you.

    Overcoming an ED requires an extraordinary amount of willpower that all appears inverse and counter effective: you're forcing yourself to think positively about food instead of negatively; trying to not worry instead of obsess; EAT rather than abstain. These are all things you've previously done EVERYHTING to ensure you compile to the complete opposite. And that all makes overcoming an ED ridiculously difficult because you've got conflicting negative thoughts which seem to be fighting back the positive ones: a BMI of 18 is 'healthy' which screams to you the opposite - firstly can I say that one of the most stunning (both facially and with regards to her figure) friends has a BMI of 19 who is not at all what you would describe as 'curvy' or anything. BMI is a very generalised measurement of healthy weight; it works for the majority and it lets doctors know who is critically ill by noticing if they're at either ends of the spectrum. It doesn't however take into account weight-distribution, muscle mass, bone structure etc meaning you get some people who are perfectly natural and healthy at high BMIs or low ones like yours. 18 is healthy, but it's the bottom end of healthy. It's nothing to dwell on or fret about and CERTAINLY nothing you should try to bring down.


    Everyone has doubts and worries and tends to think at multiple occasions (spoken to God knows how many Junior Doctors which said they considered quitting med school at least 9 times!) that their degree might not be right for them. Fact is, you worked bloody hard to get where your at, your GOOD at what you're doing (despite what your head might be telling you) and if you found yourself previously loving writing, chances are that'll all come flooding back ten-fold when you come out of your degree and secure a writing post (OR BECOME AN AUTHOR! :gasp:) and be generally awesome and amazing :grin: (because you are, 'kay?). Please don't think that because you're going through a rough patch you should give up... it sounds superficial and silly but everyone -regardless of their situation or history, be it an ED or just a difficult few weeks - gets down sometimes and you CAN fight this and get out of it all.

    It's brilliant that you've brought people somewhat up to speed about everything; you've just got to remember that you have support and that even if you climb really high and make progress only to fall back again you're going to have people there to catch you and make sure you're okay. Fighting an Eating Disorder is one of the most difficult things someone can do, but you're definitely strong enough for it.

    Hope things get a bit better soon,

    :jumphug: :hugs: :penguinhug:

    Lily
    Thank you Lily. :jumphug: I'm too tired to reply properly but just... thank you. :hugs:
    Woke up feeling a little more positive, decided to have a mini cupcake for brunch and then it all went wrong- again. :rolleyes: Went riding today which was amazing and I think if I could (afford to) ride everyday I'd feel pretty happy. Plus, you'd probably get killer thigh muscles.
    Hope you're ok!
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    (Original post by diamonddust)
    Thank you Lily. :jumphug: I'm too tired to reply properly but just... thank you. :hugs:
    Woke up feeling a little more positive, decided to have a mini cupcake for brunch and then it all went wrong- again. :rolleyes: Went riding today which was amazing and I think if I could (afford to) ride everyday I'd feel pretty happy. Plus, you'd probably get killer thigh muscles.
    Hope you're ok!
    DD :hugs: go on, stick your head between my bewbs. You wouldnt be at one of the best places for your course if the admin. dude didnt think you were any good! I agree with Lilly, 18 is bottom end of healthy, if you end up with the flu or somesuch winterylurgy, you'll end up in the not healthy bit. and I like you too much for that to happen.
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    No lie - I told the voice to shut the hell up while I ate a burger and chips like everyone else. It's a start
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    About to go and pick up my scales from the porter's lodge. Absolutely ****ting myself.
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    (Original post by briesandwich)
    Congratulations on taking such a massive step! You've been so brave.
    Just thought I should share something with you - you're very wrong about uni. I'm starting my nursing training this year and still have a diagnosis of anorexia. They wish to see me improve within the year I have before then, but they have referred me to their ED services for when I go there. Anything is possible, you'll be capable of so much when you're getting well again!
    I feel it's a massive step wasted though, I still can't stop myself from purging.. I'm not strong enough to fight this. All I keep thinking of is what I'm going to lose along the way.

    But really??? That is brilliant news for you, congratulations. Good luck with your studies, hun.. and I wish you all the best in recovery x
 
 
 
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