Turn on thread page Beta
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Jack-)
    Obviously sexual abuse because 11 year old boys know all the sex-related laws, don't they. Oh, wait.

    He probably saw his dad watching porn, didn't know what exactly was going on, and then wanted to try what he had seen for himself. Seriously OP, if its bothered you for 12 years and you haven't said anything, then the chances of getting anyone prosecuted are very low, especially given you were 7, and he was 11.

    If it really bothered you, you would not have waited until you were this old.
    (P.s. I do not condone what was done, obviously, but I think that it is unlikely he was 'fingering you' knowing that he was doing so illegally. It is of course disturbing.)
    I'm confused what you mean by this. It's bothered me since the day it's happened! It took me seven years to tell someone about it (parents/friends) and it's taken 11 years to face up to what's happened personally. I've had therapy to try and get to grips with what it really was and I'm still left confused. Ever since I've just been telling people it's 'sexual abuse' that I experienced but it's only recently that I've started to look at it differently and I've become very confused over what it actually was.
    I don't get why you find it unlikely that he did finger me or not? Or do you mean you don't think it's likely that he knew what he was doing was illegal?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Jack-)
    There is a massive difference between knowing something 'is not OK' and 'is strictly illegal and can result in a charge of sexual abuse and years in prison'.

    The boy may well have known the former, but not the latter.

    Also, OP, did he physically force you to commit these acts, or verbally ask you to?
    Verbally ask me to/pressured. When I said no it was "come on" and "do it" and when I tried to leave it was "no don't go" "just stay" "just do this" grabbing my arm, and eventually "do this and then we can go" "just stay a bit, don't you love me?" and "I'm supposed to be your boyfriend". Stuff like that.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm confused what you mean by this. It's bothered me since the day it's happened! It took me seven years to tell someone about it (parents/friends) and it's taken 11 years to face up to what's happened personally. I've had therapy to try and get to grips with what it really was and I'm still left confused. Ever since I've just been telling people it's 'sexual abuse' that I experienced but it's only recently that I've started to look at it differently and I've become very confused over what it actually was.
    I don't get why you find it unlikely that he did finger me or not? [b]Or do you mean you don't think it's likely that he knew what he was doing was illegal?[b]
    That. I don't doubt he did it, but I do not think for one second he was aware of the magnitude of his actions.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Jack-)
    That. I don't doubt he did it, but I do not think for one second he was aware of the magnitude of his actions.
    Ahh okay. Does that make it not sexual abuse then? I don't plan on pressing charges or telling the police (unless I find out somehow that he's done the same to other little girls). I just want to put a name on what happened?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Stefan1991)
    Did it affect you straight away after? Or did you not think much about it.



    Nobody can tell YOU whether it was abuse. That's up for YOU to decide.

    If you didn't think it was wrong at the time, and you are only confused to whether it was wrong because other people told you to think that later, then it wasn't.

    The only definite answer you're going to get is from yourself, and whether you decide how wrong it actually was or not. It depends how much serious harm you think it has caused you.
    It's hard to think about but basically at the time he told me he was my boyfriend, so when he went away and didn't return I wasn't sad as such but I was left feeling very confused because "I thought he liked me". I remember he told me not to hold hands with him in front of the window because my mum would be able to see us and she "wouldn't like it", or something along those lines. At the time it bothered me but, like I've said, I was more confused by it than anything else. When I was going through puberty and past the age of 11 I was really bothered by it because I knew what had happened and I understood it more clearly, before that age I just tried to forget about it.
    I think it's caused harm with my intimacy and trust within relationships? Hmm
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by aarora)
    How old are you now?
    I was seven when it happened, 13 when I first told someone and 14 when I first told my parents and I'm 18 now.
    • #6
    #6

    I'm kind of in the opposite situation. When I was 10 I fooled around with my younger sisters friend who was 7. I don't think it was against her will and was only minor touching but I do feel a little grossed out at myself seeing as she was younger.(I am also female btw) I think it is children's curiosity but if you feel affected negatively in any way then maybe just talking about it will help you understand the situation.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Ahh okay. Does that make it not sexual abuse then? I don't plan on pressing charges or telling the police (unless I find out somehow that he's done the same to other little girls). I just want to put a name on what happened?
    For it to be sexual abuse, in my opinion, it would have to have been physically forced upon you (ie, he grabbed your arm, and thrust it onto his penis, etc), with you trying to oppose it - this is a necessity, in my opinion. Otherwise it would be like somebody being raped, but not trying to stop it at the time.

    Also, he would have to have known exactly what he was doing, and more importantly, why. He may have just seen it somewhere, and thought 'I want to try that' - that is what children do. If he was clearly just getting you to pleasure him, then (aside from him having a hormone overdose at age 11!) it could be considered sexual abuse - but again, only if you, at the time, protested it, and tried to oppose it.

    If he said 'do this' and you just did it, without any complaint, then that isnt abuse. He didnt force you; in fact you chose to do it, probably because you didnt understant what was happening, or what you were doing.

    That said, I'm obviously not qualified to judge, this is just my impartial opinion.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by rivda)
    I think you need some closure, but reporting the whole thing to the police might be a little drastic, especially since there's no evidence, unfortunately.
    OP, what would be your relationship with your brother as of now? Is it distant, a normal sibling relationship, etc? If everything is cordial, I would suggest confronting your brother about it, or talking to a close family member.
    I don't plan to report anything to the police because I know that it would just be my word against his, and as a lot of other people have said, if he was 11 at the time he probably wouldn't know what he was doing Others have said I shouldn't report him for something he did when he was 11?

    My relationship with my brother has always been distant. He's got ADHD so we've never really had a proper conversation together, since he gets angry/frustrated/abusive very easily. One of the reasons why I wen't along with what this guy did to me was because he was one of my brothers only friends at the time and my brother found it very hard to make friends. My family have decided it's best not to tell my brother because of his ADHD, as it makes him very violent and unpredictable at times.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Jack-)
    For it to be sexual abuse, in my opinion, it would have to have been physically forced upon you (ie, he grabbed your arm, and thrust it onto his penis, etc), with you trying to oppose it - this is a necessity, in my opinion. Otherwise it would be like somebody being raped, but not trying to stop it at the time.

    Also, he would have to have known exactly what he was doing, and more importantly, why. He may have just seen it somewhere, and thought 'I want to try that' - that is what children do. If he was clearly just getting you to pleasure him, then (aside from him having a hormone overdose at age 11!) it could be considered sexual abuse - but again, only if you, at the time, protested it, and tried to oppose it.

    If he said 'do this' and you just did it, without any complaint, then that isnt abuse. He didnt force you; in fact you chose to do it, probably because you didnt understant what was happening, or what you were doing.

    That said, I'm obviously not qualified to judge, this is just my impartial opinion.
    Is that just based on his age or not? I'm sure if a 40 year old man did the same thing when I was seven, and I didn't oppose to it because I didn't understand it, and it would be considered abuse. But because he's 11 then it isn't considered abuse?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Btw, I'm not trying to argue with you I'm just trying to make sence of it myself.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by francescafrancesca)
    Why is everyone saying report it? What good is that? What he did was wrong but does anyone really think saying "oh when I was 7 years old an 11 year old fingered me" is going to get him convicted? There is no evidence. He was young. It was so long ago, the defense team are just going to say how can you be sure it was him? etc.

    Unless he is being accused of sexually abusing minors now, your story has no weight. He's probably a completely normal member of society, that's just a dark moment in the past. Reporting it will only cause trouble for you both. You need to go to counselling etc
    Like I've said before, I agree with your view and I don't plan on reporting the incidence to police, since it would just cause me a load of hassle. I just want to know whether it is considered sexual abuse or not due to his young age.
    Everyone seems to disagree with it. Some say he wouldn't know, and then others say it is abuse because he knows it's wrong.
    I've already been to therapy as well.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by silverbolt)
    I think this is a tricky one. It is abuse in the black and white side of it however to know what you are doing is one thing when it comes to stealing sweets is one thing, but in regards to acts of a sexual nature when puberty has only just begin to kick in is something else. Most parents will teach thier kids that you do not steal - how many parents will turn round and explain about fingering and what constitutes abuse and what doesnt?

    Knowing its wrong is one thing, realising the implications of said wrong is something else. I very much doubt an 11 year old is going to fully understand the kind of emotional damage this can do to a 7 year old. Especially as they dont understand puberty themselves. As much as they might try to act it 11 year old are NOT adults.

    Kids do wrong things, they climb trees, they play in roads, they pick up broken glass. They dont always see that the results of that could be that they break a leg, get run over, or cut themselves. they know its wrong but all too often they dont know why.

    OP i very much doubt you are going to find a court who will hold a young man accountable for actions that occurred when he was 11 and there is no proof. If it is bothering you though then i think you should seek help
    Like I've said before I'm not interested in reporting this incident to the police.
    I'm a bit confused by your post tho. Do you mean he did know it was sexual abuse, but didn't know the affects it would have? Or he did know what he was doing, but didn't know it was sexual abuse? Everyone seems to be saying different things, and I thought that after making this thread the answer would be clear and I'd be able to move on but I'm just even more confused!
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Is that just based on his age or not? I'm sure if a 40 year old man did the same thing when I was seven, and I didn't oppose to it because I didn't understand it, and it would be considered abuse. But because he's 11 then it isn't considered abuse?
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Btw, I'm not trying to argue with you I'm just trying to make sence of it myself.
    A 40 year old man would know exactly what the consequences were, and would know exactly why he was doing it. Therefore it is abuse.

    The 11 year old boy probably (again, I dont know him, so I may be wrong) did not know either of these. Do you think an 11 year old male is sexually mature enough to understand masturbation, etc? (And you don't need to answer this, but it is something to consider; was there any 'end result' from his side? Because if not, then I think it is fair to say he was not mature enough sexually to know why/what he was doing either to you, or to himself for that matter.)
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Jack-)
    A 40 year old man would know exactly what the consequences were, and would know exactly why he was doing it. Therefore it is abuse.

    The 11 year old boy probably (again, I dont know him, so I may be wrong) did not know either of these. Do you think an 11 year old male is sexually mature enough to understand masturbation, etc? (And you don't need to answer this, but it is something to consider; was there any 'end result' from his side? Because if not, then I think it is fair to say he was not mature enough sexually to know why/what he was doing either to you, or to himself for that matter.)
    Ahh okay. I guess I'd have to find out more about him as a person to determine whether he would have been aware of what he was doing at that age or not. I remember from my brother stories that all he seemed to talk about were sexual things at school (eg, each conversation he had apparently were about "willy's"), which perhaps indicates that he wasn't really mature enough to know. Then again it could indicate that he did infact have a serious problem and just used me. I don't know. :/ There wasn't any 'end result' but that was because I outrightly refused to do anything after I had touched his penis. He then just settled with fingering me instead.
    Thanks for your answer anyway, it's given me a lot to think about!
    • #7
    #7

    Quite common imo, doesn't make it right though and very confusing. You told your parents, how did they react?
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    If it is then lock me up now.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Quite common imo, doesn't make it right though and very confusing. You told your parents, how did they react?
    They were upset and treated it like sexual abuse, but that could be because I described it as sexual abuse by saying "I was abused when I was younger". So I don't really know.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Like I've said before I'm not interested in reporting this incident to the police.
    I'm a bit confused by your post tho. Do you mean he did know it was sexual abuse, but didn't know the affects it would have? Or he did know what he was doing, but didn't know it was sexual abuse? Everyone seems to be saying different things, and I thought that after making this thread the answer would be clear and I'd be able to move on but I'm just even more confused!
    I honestly dont know it could be either of those things, he was eleven and i dont know his family or how much they would/would not have explained to him. He might not have realised what he was doing was wrong or damaging.

    Something like this is always going to have very murky waters as to the ages involved the length of time ago and just how much both parties understood.

    Im sorry we cant clear it up for you OP.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 16, 2011
Poll
Which accompaniment is best?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.