Boyfriend meeting up with his ex behind my back!

I wouldn't have though, I'm not annoyed at the meeting up so much, it's the hiding it from me which I hate. If he'd told me I would have been fine about it as it suggests that there's nothing for me to worry about. He's quite popular with the girls, gets a lot of attention, so he knows I'm not the jealous type in general.

I'm not sure to be honest - I think they've kept in touch. I don't know if he specifically lied to me on the days he met her (written in his organiser - I was looking through it and he was sat right there - when it got to one of the pages it was written on he leapt up and drew my attention to something else in the diary but I'd already seen it...).

I don't have a problem with her seeing her, I just feel like it's something I should know about as his girlfriend and the fact he didn't tell me suggests that he's got something to hide. As I say, if I were going to meet up with any of my exes I would tell him straight away. I would never ask him to not see her, and would certainly never dictate to him. I just want him to be up front and honest with me and I don't feel he has been.

I'm not sure to be honest - I think they've kept in touch. I don't know if he specifically lied to me on the days he met her (written in his organiser - I was looking through it and he was sat right there - when it got to one of the pages it was written on he leapt up and drew my attention to something else in the diary but I'd already seen it...).

I don't have a problem with her seeing her, I just feel like it's something I should know about as his girlfriend and the fact he didn't tell me suggests that he's got something to hide. As I say, if I were going to meet up with any of my exes I would tell him straight away. I would never ask him to not see her, and would certainly never dictate to him. I just want him to be up front and honest with me and I don't feel he has been.

Why were you looking at his organiser
Anyway, feel free to disagree with me, but he is his own person. He is under no obligation to tell you who is his going to see. I certainly don't tell my gf everything. Of course, if she asks then I will tell her, but to be annoyed at him for just not telling you seems a little clingy tbh.

So he clearly didn't want you to find out about it, bit suspicious to me...

I just don't want to be taken for a mug.

Yeah, or that he didn't want me to be hurt by me finding out. I am sure it's all perfectly innocent - he wouldn't have written it in there if it was dodgy. But now it's worse because as I've said, feel like I've been lied to.

You say that, but the seed of doubt would have been planted in your mind.

Why is he seeing her?

Does he still have feelings for her?

What if he's sleeping with her?

Before you know it, you've already convinced yourself that he's cheating on you and you're ready to confront him and dump him.

I just discovered that my boyfriend has met up with his ex, who he was with for five years, behind my back a couple of times...this makes me feel uneasy, I'm not fully sure why. Do I have a right to be annoyed? I feel like he's been dishonest- we do tend to tell each other what we're up to (not in a creepy, clingy way, we just live on the same street and know the same people...) so I feel like he's tried to conceal this from me. I probably wouldn't meet up with my ex and not tell him so it just seems odd to me.

Male perspective welcome - do I have anything to be worried about? Our relationship is generally fine, we have the odd tiff but we have been together a year and I think we are fairly strong (which is why I'm puzzled as to why he hasn't told me this...) - am I being irrational/typical crazy girl here? Gut feeling is I have no right to feel annoyed but something about it just doesn't sit right with me.

My friend has a similar problem, she just withheld sex to teach him a lesson......but ya know personally I would just have a right go at him about lack of trust etc etc

Maybe he didn't tell you because he knew you'd react like this?

Nah because if he'd just said it I'd have been hugely reassured that there was nothing to it. I'm sure he's not sleeping with her, not sure about having feelings for her to be honest but if he'd told me I wouldn't be worrying. Think I'm just going to steer clear of him for a few days until I'm feeling a tad more rational.

Well it's not an easy one.

You have no right to be upset about him meeting her, many ex-couples have perfectly platonic friendships after relatively passive break ups. (or even relatively bad breakups!) You are in a romantically exclusive relationship with him, but not a platonicly exclusive one.

However you have EVERY right to be uneasy about the secrecy! The most important thing with this sort of occurrence is that he should be open with you about it.

There are some completely acceptable reasons he didn't tell you however, and some unacceptable ones:

1. It was a rather last minute arrangement/spur of the moment meeting, and he didn't have time to tell you, and it may not have come up in conversation since if it only happened in the last few days.

2. He was worried you would feel awkward if he told you. Mis-interpretation on his part, and actually shows greater, rather than less affection towards you.

3. Something was up; he felt guilty about it for some reason, perhaps indeed still had feelings for her. This is the bad option.

The best way to find out would be to talk to him about it. Don't confront him outright, but bring it up casually. "I heard you mex Ex-girl on Dayday".

if he told you about it himself, you can rule 3 out, in which case why he didn't tell you before probably comes down to timing.

If it was a recent occurrence, and his reaction is completely casual, then it was likely a case of 1.

When you ask him why he didn't tell you, if it was a case of 2 he'll be apologetic, sympathetic towards you and open. Tell him that you'd rather he just told you because you appreciate the openness. He'll be happy to do so, problem solved.

If it's a case of 3, he'll be defensive and try to avoid the topic. And if you push him an argument will probably ensue.

If you're fairly certain after talking to him something's up, come back and we can have a look at how to move forwards. (feel free to PM me if there are details you don't want public)

Yeah, or that he didn't want me to be hurt by me finding out. I am sure it's all perfectly innocent - he wouldn't have written it in there if it was dodgy. But now it's worse because as I've said, feel like I've been lied to.

Just made my excuses and left to be honest, I didn't want to cause a scene without taking stock first (didn't want to look like a jealous psycho if I'm honest!). I think he knows I found out but neither of us said anything.

This, this and this. I'd never tell my girl if I met up with my ex because she'd go all over-board and probably end up breaking up.