What grade will this english descriptive writing? Watch

afzal123
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i am doing my english exams for wjec gcse. i just started this decriptive writing but it is not finished. i just want to know what grade this would get me if i carried on like this and any improvements and advice thanks!

The beaming creating humidity in the air as people across the area of Evington arrive for this spectacular event. As event challengers gear up for the big occasion which lays fourth, audience reserve the best placed seats while others grabbing last minutes snacks to eat for the upcoming challenges. Many people from young to old are seen. An elderly man aged approximately in his late 60s sitting comfortably on his recline chair, wearing the usual trousers and shirt which all senior men are seen wear.
The first event is underway as the audience cheer with grace and happiness, and names are being shouted. A middle aged women waving her flag frantically presuming someone doing the race is the person she is cheering for.
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The_0001
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What's the 'thing' you're meant to be describing? I know you're describing some event, but what's the question?
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afzal123
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(Original post by The_0001)
What's the 'thing' you're meant to be describing? I know you're describing some event, but what's the question?
"describe the scene at a sporting event"
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The_0001
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(Original post by afzal123)
"describe the scene at a sporting event"
I think it's a decent attempt for an opening paragraph. But it really doesn't grab the reader. People who score grades A-C will write more or less the same thing, just some do it better than others. An A* candidate is different. It should be made clear from the start that you're different.

There are quite a few grammatical errors which you can easily sort out yourself so I won't bother to correct you. I don't think the opening line makes sense tbh. The beaming 'what' makes it humid. The beaming itself isn't an entity.

Maybe start the writing from the viewpoint of a competitor? Let them describe their own emotions as they see, smell, touch and hear everything around them?

But hey, what do I know? But keep going, you've made a positive start!
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Jonesy12
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(Original post by afzal123)
i am doing my english exams for wjec gcse. i just started this decriptive writing but it is not finished. i just want to know what grade this would get me if i carried on like this and any improvements and advice thanks!

The beaming creating humidity in the air as people across the area of Evington arrive for this spectacular event. As event challengers gear up for the big occasion which lays fourth, audience reserve the best placed seats while others grabbing last minutes snacks to eat for the upcoming challenges. Many people from young to old are seen. An elderly man aged approximately in his late 60s sitting comfortably on his recline chair, wearing the usual trousers and shirt which all senior men are seen wear.
The first event is underway as the audience cheer with grace and happiness, and names are being shouted. A middle aged women waving her flag frantically presuming someone doing the race is the person she is cheering for.
Re-write it and proof read it. Use powerful language, the opening paragraph is the easiest way to get quick marks. Make use of oxymorons, similes, metaphors whatever, just make it damn interesting.
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Ears
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I'd give it an A, to be honest what I wrote for my descriptive writing in the exam was beyond awful and I still got an A. Obviously, we would need to read a lot more to make an accurate mark.

I'd say make it a bit more interesting, it's a bit slow at grabbing attention.
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afzal123
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(Original post by Ears)
I'd give it an A, to be honest what I wrote for my descriptive writing in the exam was beyond awful and I still got an A. Obviously, we would need to read a lot more to make an accurate mark.

I'd say make it a bit more interesting, it's a bit slow at grabbing attention.
Thanks for the advice is their anyone out there willing to give me an example of an opening paragraph? I really need help on descriptive writing...
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