Once a cheater always a cheater? Watch

Peachiekupo
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#1
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Basically, about a year ago I found out that my boyfriend had been seeing another girl behind my back, after many tears and weeks spent soul searching I found it in myself to take him back. Anyway, a few months ago I moved, pretty far away and he has begun to act suspiciously. I have no evidence of anything going on like that for sure but I do know he was messaging another girl on fb (I have seen the messages and they seem mostly friendly), I told him I wasn't comfortable with this and that he should just use comments to talk to someone. He took this well but shortly after received an inexplicable message from her along the lines of 'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to get you in trouble delete this message pls'. He denies telling her what I said, saying it was a friend from work. Anyway today he has decided to go clothes shopping with a bunch of male friends.... Doesn't sounds right to me and he is not responding to a message I sent him on fb or any calls... Am I over reacting?

Oh and I'm not some weird stalker on fb we have eachothers passwords and he voluntarily showed me the first messages as in a 'look I'm not hiding anything from you' sort of thing, due to previous trust issues.
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Angie varona
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yes
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Cynthi007
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yes.
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LadySmythe
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In answer to your thread title: No.

However if these trust issues aren't sorted soon then you may see the relationship failing. I understand that it is difficult to fully trust again due to past events but you will have to learn to trust again if you want this to work. You need to trust in what he says. And if you find out he's been lying to you then he's not worth your time tbh. But from what you've said it looks like he's trying to show you that he's not lying to you.

Give him chance to answer calls and messages if he's out with friends too. He'll speak to you soon. Another suggestion is to get rid of facebook, or delete each other and change settings so nothing is seen. Facebook ruins far too many relationships
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Peachiekupo
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Just so I'm taking this the right way, 'yes' I'm over reacting?
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missderrie
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I think once a cheat, always a cheat - in that paticular relationship (the one he/she cheated in) especially when you have forgiven them, they know they can get away with it. But I think someone can change and can remain faithful in following r'ships even though they have cheated in previous ones...I hope that makes sense! :-S
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missderrie
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PS, he doesn't seem to have learnt his lesson here, so I would leave him if I was you. Find someone who hasn't and won't break your trust; he's had his chance and is still messing around..
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Elf.
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I'd love to know this too... :dontknow:
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Peachiekupo
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(Original post by Loz17)
In answer to your thread title: No.

However if these trust issues aren't sorted soon then you may see the relationship failing. I understand that it is difficult to fully trust again due to past events but you will have to learn to trust again if you want this to work. You need to trust in what he says. And if you find out he's been lying to you then he's not worth your time tbh. But from what you've said it looks like he's trying to show you that he's not lying to you.

Give him chance to answer calls and messages if he's out with friends too. He'll speak to you soon. Another suggestion is to get rid of facebook, or delete each other and change settings so nothing is seen. Facebook ruins far too many relationships
I agree Facebook is terrible, the only reason I wanted to keep it after everything that happened was so we could keep in contact (when he cheated before, it started out with flirty messages on facebook). I always planned on deleting it (both of ours) when we were together again... but he's just admitted to me that he's not shopping he's actually in a pub with a few guys and a girl...don't know how to take that tbh...
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idontthinkso
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No, but once a cheater you're gonna have to accept that everybody else will always perceive you as a cheater.
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LadySmythe
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(Original post by Peachiekupo)
I agree Facebook is terrible, the only reason I wanted to keep it after everything that happened was so we could keep in contact (when he cheated before, it started out with flirty messages on facebook). I always planned on deleting it (both of ours) when we were together again... but he's just admitted to me that he's not shopping he's actually in a pub with a few guys and a girl...don't know how to take that tbh...
I really do think you need to get rid of FB if its causing problems, and there's more ways to keep contact than just FB. My partner doesn't have it (and if he did I probably wouldn't have it) and for the majority of the year we're in a LDR.

However if you're not happy with whats happening and you're not happy then it may be best to call it a day. But of course don't just do what people on a forum say to do, do what you think is right by you; if you think you can pull through this together than keep at it, talk like you have been doing and try and work together to rebuild the trust.

Hope it all works out :hugs:
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Preeka
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Your trust is clearly gone and if you can't see yourself getting to the point where you don't want to be rummaging through his messages (even if he allows you) or being paranoid about what he does and what he says about what he does, then there's not really a point continuing the relationship. It's possible that he's changed and may not break your trust again in which he case he loses you but then I think that's his fault for breaking the trust in the first place.

It's really hard to regain broken trust and sometimes almost impossible. Obviously, you know the situation best. You must have had a good enough reason to get back with him but the thing is if both of you are looking to leave it in the past, then that is exactly what you have to do which involves you trusting him like you did before. And if you don't see that happening, then it doesn't seem as if the relationship will work.
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clo-clo1
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The point is do you want to be wondering what he is doing and who he is with all the time? Even if he tells you something, do you want to be doubting it for the rest of your time together?

There is clearly a huge trust problem- which of course isn't your fault but is it really going to make you happy wondering about every girl he mentions?
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thenextmarypoppins
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in my experience, yes.

not only that, but even if they did change, how would you ever be able to trust them again? ive been there and tried to get on with things but it will constantly be in the back of your mind, its probably not worth torturing yourself over every day for the rest of your relationship.
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Theconomist
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Pretty much.
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xnatalie01x
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Sometimes but not always.
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ellakrystina
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#17
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Once a cheater, always a cheater? No.
However, your boyfriend sounds like a ****.
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Pinball_heart
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No.
I cheated once, told my bf at the time and dumped him because he deserved better.
I had 3 relationships after that and didn't cheat once.
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mandingo666
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#19
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Do yourself a favour and end it, the fact you are checking his fb messages is a joke really - surely you realise this is not healthy?


As for your statement you cannot cast every cheater with the same net, but most of my mates will have cheated on their partners because they have been taken back after being found out once.
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Peachiekupo
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There is quite a bit more to the story as well which include him lying... a lot. Right after we broke up he begged for forgiveness, when I asked him if something happened like 'Did you go round her house?' He would look me in the eyes, crying and say no, then fess up a couple of days later.

I also didn't get back together with him straight away, a few weeks after we split up I became friends with this guy and we started dating for a while, I eventually ended this because I knew I didn't have real feelings for him and we were better as friends. To this day he brings it up and how much it upsets him that I 'did this to him'....

I'm aware that when relaying everything back I come back as foolish but I was younger at the time - 16 and naive - where as now almost a year has gone by and I can see my glaringly obvious mistakes -.-
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