Describe and Persuade Eng;ish Language GCSE Watch

shell-x
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#1
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
#1
Can someone please mark the following answers to persuade and describe questions , please state what grade you think it is and how i can improve.

Persuade:

Question: You have been asked to give a speech to the Governors of your school or college persuading them that it should be open in the evenings. Write the text for this speech in full, rather than note form.

Answer:

Good morning. Today I am here, to discuss with you an option, a choice and plan; to allow the school to be open three hours in the evening. To allow students to complete home works, do revision and coursework.

Everyday, there will be at least one student in each lesson or subject that get's detentions, warning and phone calls home because they have not done their homework, with excuses about broken printers or no ink in printers to no internet connection. At Hathershaw we have amazing ICT facilities, with internet connections and working printers, so why don't we make full use of them? What is the point of being a specialised school in 'technology' when the technology is not being put to good use?

A round about 89% of students who do not achieve their predicted grades, have no quite place to study. They may have family problems, younger siblings or noisy neighbours and do to this a lack of quite rooms and near silence. We have an amazing library created to cater the needs of student studying, so why not use it to its potential? After all the library was created for the like of these students. I once knew a girl who was predicted, 12 A*'s and she ended up getting 2 A*'s, 2 A's, 4 B's and 4 C's because she was living in a house were there were constant fights, a younger sibling who cried and screamed and constant slanging matches going on, she had no chance; no one can study in such loud stressful environment.


Really, do you want to be the reason for bad results, bad OFSTED reports and the reason why hundreds of students life's got wrecked? Do you want to be the person they blame for there failures? You amazing governors, who control and rule the school with such passion takeing away chances, you couldn't do that could you, not to your star students who only want a quite place to study. Hatred is a strong emotion and for it to be directed at such caring people would just be wrong in so many ways.

Well, I only have a limited amount of your time, so if any of you want to discuss with me and my fellow students the plans, the reasons or anything else please do not hesitate to speak to me or my companions. The choice is yours to make...

Thank you for your time!

Describe:

Question:

Describe a room.

Answer:

Silence. The silence is loud and booming. There is a small scraping of doors in the distance. The whole place is a silent bomb, waiting to go off, the silence is eating, hurting and cutting, a monster, a beast. Contagious. If a pen was dropped the sound would echo, sound so LOUD, in the deadly quite, a disease, slowly, slowly killing, driving insane. Lonely silence...

The smell of rust death and decay. Disgusting. Excretion and urine mixed with musty bed sheets, flesh dying and rotting, smell of disease, almost as strong as the smell of vomit, sweat and blood. Death wrapped in a cloth, seeping threw, coming out, stinking, like millions of rotting bodies placed in the burning sun, slowly rotting and causing stink. Repellent!

Feel thick moisture in the air, damp everywhere, vomit arousing damp, feel a heavy weight in the air, humid? Rough stones, cutting, bruising. Blood. Blood running from cuts, pain. Extreme pain. Pain so bad, like death is near, seeking upon, closing in, squashing, squeezing. Claustrophobia seeking and destroying, room becoming smaller; small room? Feel the walls closing in, room becoming smaller and smaller and smaller...

Taste the dust in the air, dirty, paint flakes falling from the celling. Taste the sweat, salt, disgusting, sickening. Taste the blood from cuts in the mouth, salty, disgusting, making vomit arise, bringing up taste of sickness and death. Like a poison slowly but deliberately killing, causing pain and more pain before doing it's job. Death and rot, foul.

Emptiness, yellowing walls that were once white, pain flakes falling off, falling to the floor. A small bed, if it can be called that, against the right wall, with greyish sheets that once were another colour, yet the old colour unrecognisable. A small square window high up in the back wall, railings added at the front, barely any light seeking in, the sign of a world outside. At the front railings, thick metal bars, reddish brown colour, rusting away, stopping escape. A small sink at the back with broken taps, a bucket next to it, reeking, yellow and black, with excretion around it, a floor full of mess, dead insects, rats and death itself...


thank you!
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Groat
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#2
Report 7 years ago
#2
For the first question, you don't have the formality of your speech correct:

a younger sibling who cried and screamed and constant slanging matches going on
You amazing governors, who control and rule the school with such passion takeing away chances, you couldn't do that could you, not to your star students who only want a quite place to study.

It needs to be more formal, make it clear to the examiner you have picked each word carefully to have a desired effect and don't use colloquial language such as slanging matches. The skill of persuading is not to compliment amazing governors, you need to have a strong argument.

Some of your sentences don't make sense, if you took this one on its own, I wouldn't know what you'd be talking about:

To allow students to complete home works, do revision and coursework.

Finally, your closing section seems very weak!

Well, I only have a limited amount of your time, so if any of you want to discuss with me and my fellow students the plans, the reasons or anything else please do not hesitate to speak to me or my companions. The choice is yours to make...

I like the last sentence as it addresses the governors directly, as a speech should. However the preceding sentence seems very irrelevant, this is where you should be highlighting the strongest points from your argument.

I hope that's of some use.
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