Can somebody give me a rough grade for this GCSE english letter?

Hi tsr,

this is a letter i wrote in a mock for my english gcse..it was done in 30 minutes (planned and written) so please don't be too harsh. Any advice is really appreciated! Thanks. (it is a letter to a newspaper about motorcycle races being held on our roads, Ilford is a town in East London which i randomly picked) WJEC EXAM BOARD, THE QUESTION ON PAPER 2 AT THE END.


Dear Editor,

I am disgusted to hear that Redbridge council are proposing to hold motorcycle races on the roads of Ilford. It is an absolutely ludicrous proposition! We are living in times of great austerity, so by spending ridiculous sums of money on unnecessary petrol and motorcycles, we are simply undermining the work of everyone who has cut back to return us back to prosperity. Motorcycle races are dangerous, damaging and deafening. Would you really like to be listening to your favourite song, only for it to be ruined by the unpleasant sound of a diesel engine? In my experience, motorcycle races only mean one thing : death. Is the entertainment of a select few really worthy of death? Do we really want police investigations every fortnight? Ilford is saying NO!

Last year, over 2,000 people died in England due to motorcycle related accidents. Surely this should be a powerful deterrant? How a council can simply set themselves up for increased death rates is beyond me. Perhaps they think that it is our turn for a disaster; Pakistan have had floods, Australia have had tsunamis and now are going to have to endure the strain of motorcycle races! Furthermore, the inevitable rise in deaths will put significant stress on our national health service. We already spend £1billion on the NHS, so by adding our unnecessary load we will exacerbate problems. I do not see how this proposal will be a positive change for Ilford, except perhaps being entertaining for the elitist mayors and council members. Ilford is against this, with 98% of people voting NO to the proposal. It is obvious where the other 2% went! If we have the necessary wherewithal to prevent this, we should act as a team and prevent this now!

In the words of Tony Blair : education, education, education. Currently, Ilford has a mere 57% GCSE pass rate. How do you expect us to revise when the sound of the unremitting onslaught of motorcycles pollutes our ears? Teenagers cannot function in noise. This proposal is unjust, unscrupulous and immoral. This onus is on the council to ensure that we do well are school, but they are failing to live up to their duties. In doing so, they are hindering our pathway to success as adults, so should unequivocally be liable in the future. Tony Barton, the mayor of Redbridge, said that this proposal would 'encourage youngsters to get out more often.' Is this the same Tony Barton who has an indoor swimming pool and arcades room? Yes. The sheer hypocrisy of this proposal is evident and the people of Ilford know it. It serves as a detrimental aspect of our soceity and will ensure the death of Ilford as a respectable town.

The cost to the taxpayer will be almost unbearable. Council tax is already reaching triple figures and, in some cases, quadruple figures. This proposal will only mean less money in the hands of Ilford residents, and more in the silver lined pockets of wealthy council members. Who would really want to pay for something that they did not want in the first place? Ridiculous. Our human rights should be protected against the predators that we call the 'council.' Notwithstanding this, the cost of motorbikes will also be paid solely through increased tax. Many people are just above the poverty line, and as such it is ridiculous to bombard them will a barrage of taxes. This proposal will go down as the worst idea of the 21st century. I hope that everyone sees this, and the council comes to their senses.

Yours sincerely,

David Cork.


There are a couple of spelling mistakes probably when i've re-written this, please ignore them because they are probably spelt correctly in the original version.

Thanks very much!

I'd say it's about a low to mid A, you've constantly argued and made valid points. I liked all the statistics and interrogatives!

Some parts are a bit too colloquial for my liking but that's probably just me.

It's really good

Probably an A, you've got good sentence structure, vocabulary and persuasive language. One thing I'd say though is don't use so many rhetorical questions - people assume because a piece of writing needs to be persuasive, you have to put in lots of them when it's not necessary. I also agree with xnatalie01x where she says you are sometimes too colloquial. Look up online/read newspaper letters to see the type of register they use, and you'll quickly pick up the way in which people write formally.

Overall though, it is a good piece of work

So removing a couple of those questions and smoothing it up a bit should push me into the A* boundary?

I would actually say a high A or even A*. I've written mock letters before (not as good as this) and got very high A*'s so...

So removing a couple of those questions and smoothing it up a bit should push me into the A* boundary?

I would say high A.

Scrap some of the 'big' words where you don't need them and get rid of that god-awful alliteration. Other than that, good, probably an A even without the edits.

EDIT: although the rhetorical questions, the 'Ilford says NO!' and the whole 'motorcycles=death' thing should all go as well.

Its good but u ccccccccccccccc me......jheeeeeeeeeeeze

i would say high a*....which shu is a fail since it took u 2 hours.....u got these 20 marks....wt about the other 60...20/80......eeh is still a grade!

jheeze, just like u e in critical thinking which was remarked...to a lower e.

Rip mn, rs, pv, aj, js!

Rs especially

Thanks , However, do you mean get rid of the rule of three or the alliteration altogether. Also, the motobikes = death argument was all I could think of in 5 minutes planning time. This is not a piece of coursework so I'm not looking for improvements on the actual ideas but rather the english skills, but overall very helpful, thanks

Jheeze, just like u E in critical thinking which was remarked...to a lower E.

RIP MN, RS, PV, AJ, JS!

RS ESPECIALLY

Too colloquial? How do i make it posher?

anyother tips?