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Situation with a girl I'm seeing. A girls perspective would be very helpful!

I have been seeing a girl for just over a month now once a week. I used to know her from about 5 years ago but we lost contact due to uni and other obstacles.
We decided to meet up quite spontaneously one night about 5 weeks ago. We met up and ended up crying together and holding each other under the stars.
Since then we have met up once a week and continued to just cuddle with each other in that way. She is very shy with depression and is still very shy with me, and that is why she prefers to do simple things like that until she opens up more. I offered to take her to the cinema instead but she said shed prefer to just cuddle with me.
Now, she has depression. She has had depression for about ten years. She is 23. When she was 9 she saw her best friend hit by a car who was then permanently paralysed and developed epilepsy. The same time her dad left her. She developed anorexia at around age 15 (but has got over that now).
She has told me that she is terrified of me rejecting her, she is terrified of losing me in some way. She has told me that I am the love of her life and even said things like "I can't wait to spend life with you".

She is studying medicine and is very very busy and stressed a lot, and on a high dosage of anti depressants.

Now, she has never been a texter, emailer etc. I will text her about 3-4 times a day usually just giving her a bit of a boost, letting her know Im thinking of her, but she will barely ever reply! She hates talking on the phone as well. When she does reply (about once a day) it will be totally off topic and often the only time I hear from her is around midnight. She will text something like "thinking of you...msn? xxx" and then we will chat on MSN for an hour together. She says she just doesnt like texting and she is usually too busy to text. But it takes 30 seconds surely?

Okay, now for an important part. She ISNT single. Well, the way I see it she isn't. She has been with a guy for about two years that she says she doesn't love or is confused about her feelings for. She told me they argue a lot and although she has memories with him that attaches her to him...she is POSITIVE she loves me. These are her exact words in a conversation today:
"i'm not with him - but the reason he is still in the picture is i dont really know what i feel for him. part of me feels attached to him because of the memories we have had - but i know that is not a reason to stay with someone. i do feel guilty- but again i know thats not a reason to stay iwth someone. im scared of being alone but i wouldnt stay with him coz of that... to be honest im just confused. i'd like to make peace with him as i hate having unrest with anyone... i can't have enemies; it eats away at me. but do i want to be with him again??? i wont know until i understand how i really feel. but then i get confused coz im not sure how i feel for him, yet i am positive i LOVE you so it should be easy, but it just doesnt feel that simple. im sorry, im dragging you into my confusion."

I am very confused at the moment. Over the weekend she had a very rough time. She saw her doctor and burst out crying and yesterday told me she had a very rough day. We went on MSN to talk last night and she said "heyaaa....xxxx" and then would not reply for about an hour. That was about 1am, and I figured she had fallen asleep. This morning (bank holiday monday) I texted her telling her I hope she has a great day etc...and then phoned her and left a message on her answerphone to let her know the same thing.

I then started to really worry because I have not got a reply. (Not that I ever do!). I have asked her if I send her too many texts etc, and she said that I dont and each text she recieves from me brightens her day a bit. In the past I have stopped texting as much in fear taht I may be being a nuisance, and when I did she got upset and thought I was trying to distance myself from her.

I have point blank asked her what she wants. She says she feels something so special with me, a connection that goes beyond everythign else, and she is just very scared because she is terrified of me rejecting her the more she opens. She said she just wants time to slowly open up with me without me 'going anywhere'.

Now, taking into account her deprssion, this other guy, her past...her obvious fear of losing people in her life (due to the fact she lost her best friend at an early age) etc...what do you think is going on?

I know that she likes me and wants me. She is a very honest person when we talk about our feelings. She is very blunt and to the point...more so than anyone else I've ever known. I once asked her "what would your dream be, no matter how crazy" and she responded "it might sound cheesy but, I want to fly away with you somewhere, just us, and have all the rest of the people I leave behind stay happy."

So taking into account her past, this other guy, her issues, her depression etc, what do you think is up? What should I do to control this anxiety that I feel? It's quite intense!

Reply 1

dorkish

She sounds like she is rather confused herself, and when you take her depression into account its probably making it feel 10x more confusing to her.

My guess is, because she has been with the other guy for so long, she already trusts him with her feelings, which is something she is slowing doing with you. Because of her losses, she is scared of rejection. She probably worries about this a lot. She might feel that she can't leave the other guy, whom she trusts, until she knows she can trust you completely, because if she follows her heart to you before she knows she can entirely trusts you, leaves the other guy, and then you leave her, she will feel very rejected indeed. Not to mention very angry that she didn't stick to the more logical solution of staying with the first guy she fully trusted until she trusted you.

You mentioned she said "I want to fly away with you somewhere, just us, and have all the rest of the people I leave behind stay happy." - She wants EVERYONE ELSE to STAY happy. She seems to be someone like me who will do anything to keep everyone else happy, and not want to hurt people. Therefore she may feel she is in a sticky situation, because she wants you, but she doesn't want to make the other guy unhappy.

It is quite confusing when you think about it. :/ I hope some of the things Ive said kinda make sense. :s-smilie: