The Student Room Group

Bf to transfer uni dilemna!!!!!!!

Any advice much appreciated!!!!! (sorry its so long, but bit of a dilemna here)

Basically, I am on my gap year and am in process of re-applying: at the moment, i could potentially be at Manchester, Bristol, Sheffield, Edinburgh or Oxford (ok, maybe not this one!) next year studying Russian.
Am in a long-distance relationship (they are awful, i dont understand how people can see the romantic side at all lol) with my boyfriend who is in Sheffield studying philo and pol.
Basically he is willing to transfer to a different uni next year to be with me (straight into 2nd or even re-doing the 1st year, he doesnt mind): it might sound selfish, but i dont want to go to sheffield (basically i am being snotty about it, and think i could do better - as pretentious as that sounds i know but theres the truth) , and anyway he wont let me go to sheffield just for him (as he knows i want to go somewhere else).
He doesnt mind transferring: v laid-back about it all, and isnt at all attached to sheffield. Hope i dont sound very selfish writing this (believe me i have told him i wont let him do it unless he is fully sure of himself etc...); but i want to know what anybody's feelings r about this: do u think its a good idea etc... do u know of anyone who has done this before? do you know how easy it is to transfer?
His grades at a level were AACC plus distinction in AEA french (we both speak french fluently), and he wants to get into any uni i may go to/or near there. So thats: all the London unis (in case i get into Ox), Bristol, Edin, Bath.
Do you think he stands a chance?

Ox Brookes and UNi of West of England: r they any good for pol and philo?

Thank you!!!!!! and curse the LDR
Reply 1
Yes he stands a chance but I don't think he should do it.
I don't think he should do it either. If the relationship is going to work, it will work even if you're at opposite ends of the country. If it's not going to work, you'll break up whether you go to the same uni or not. The fact that you're so desperate to do this suggests that you are far too dependent on each other and will not make so much effort to make other friends or have your own lives. You've only done one term of this. If it's meant to be, it will get better.

Transferring straight into the second year at a uni is tricky because everyone else in your year will already have a good group of friends established and you have to break in, sometimes without even being able to live in halls. His course won't have many contact hours either, so it will be difficult for him to meet people that way. Therefore, it is about 90% likely that you will just spend all your time together and not make an effort to meet other people. Even if you meet lots of people and go out, if he's finding it harder (which he will), you'll feel guilty about making him move and will drag him along with your first year friends or stay in with him, which will affect your own friendships.

A final point: anyone prepared to transfer from Sheffield to Oxford Brookes or UWE for the sake of a girlfriend needs their head looking at.
its his choice, if he wants to do it then do it.

you havn't pressured him, you're not going to say you must follow me round like a lost puppy.

If he wants to do it to be with you then so be it, you've found some one who will move to be with you. Good luck :biggrin:
Svieta
basically i am being snotty about it, and think i could do better - as pretentious as that sounds i know but theres the truth) , and anyway he wont let me go to sheffield just for him (as he knows i want to go somewhere else).


Sheffield has one of the best Russian departments in the country. You can't do much better.
sorry but i honestly think thats a really bad idea. if it was me, i'd just feel awful if my boyfriend did that. i wouldn't let him. last year my boyfriend was at uni and i was at home, and i only saw him about once every 5 weeks because i didn't want him to miss out on uni life. thats a bit different i know, but it's a lot of stress on your boyfriend-completley new city, new friends, new course...is that reall fair on him?
of course it's his (and your) decision, but you did ask for opinions and im just telling you mine. :smile:
Reply 6
He shouldn't do it.


I wouldn't recommend you go to Sheffield for him, but I'd certainly not recommend he did it if you're making him move. No matter how happy he seems to do this, it isn't fair to expect him to go through all the upheaveal if you're refusing to consider Sheffield. You keep saying you're not being selfish, but it really looks like it to me. He's at a great uni, and transferring into the second year will be bloody hard for him. Even if he's not that attatched to the university now, he might hate the one he changes to, and regret moving. He may well then resent you because of it.

If you split up, and he's moved just for you, you'll both feel crap. Especially as you'll more than likely end up clinging to eachother and not making your own friends without meaning to.


I'd say stick to different institutions, make your own friends and get the right education for each of you. I just think this plan really isn't a good one at all.
Reply 7
Sheffield is great...

Anyway, back on the topic...I don't think he should move either. If you guys split up he'll regret it big time and then resent the fact that he's moved from a very good uni (not just saying that, it's actually a very good uni...) and is then stuck in a uni he didn't consider to begin with.

On another note...my ex boyfriend does politics and philosophy here........maybe they're best friends or something. Or not.
Reply 8
It's ultimately his choice, and if he's that devoted to you then he's a better man than I am. But I would seriously recommend he didn't. Various people have already pointed out several compelling reasons why he'll be disadvantaged by doing so, so unless he really, really wants to get out of Sheffield and can get into a university of vaguely equivalent or better rep I'd recommend he stays put. Considering your gf's interests is an important part of any relationship; completely subordinating yours to hers is a baaaaaaaad idea.
Reply 9
babynessontoast
On another note...my ex boyfriend does politics and philosophy here........maybe they're best friends or something. Or not.


I think my ex does too.

I know he does Politics at least, and he was into his Philosophy too. Hmm...
Reply 10
Thanks for all of your advice. Its really nice to hear a refreshing, objective opinion about all of this.
I'm sure our relationship will last even if he doesnt change unis; the thing is, im so upset without him that I dont know how happy I will be if im not with him. As u said, u could argue I am unhealthily dependent on him; if i were at a different uni, i know i wouldnt be fully able to immerse myself in having a blast there, because one part of me would always be turned towards him. The thing is, i know its unhealthy, but its impossible to do anything about it: thats another reason why its all driving me up the wall.

When talking about this to mates of mine in LDRS who arent even as attached to my bf as I am (that isnt just me being arrogant, they do actually agree with me on this!), even they have felt they havent fully partaken in what uni has to offer because of their bf/gf being away from them.

In the end, I suppose there's no answer to all of this; but yeah i do agree (and have discussed this with my bf) that we may break up if he comes to my uni, precisely because of all the difficulties that might incur: i'm scared he could grow resentful of me etc . Ah welll!!!!!!! We'll see lol.

PS: hes doing pol and philo 1st year at sheffield; whats ure ex's name (they might know each other lol)
I think you're far more likely to involve yourself in university life and building a wide social circle if he's away from you, even if you're pining.

If he's there, you'll just spend time with eachother and not really get seperate social circles. Not healthy. I've met people here who came to university with their partners, and they're just in eachothers pockets all the time. They don't have time for anyone else, but they'll tire of that very quickly.
Reply 12
Svieta
even they have felt they havent fully partaken in what uni has to offer because of their bf/gf being away from them.


But surely it works the other way too? If you're at the same Uni, you'll just end up spending all your time with each other and not making new friends.

Besides, your so young - relationships can change and sadly end, and chances are you aren't going to be together. Like everyone else said, if you love him that much you'll either sacrifice your chances and go to Sheffield (although I don't think you should do this as you may hold it against him later) or just go to different Unis....if you *really* care about him, you'll let him stay where he is and likewise, he'll let you go somewhere else. If you're destined to get through this, no matter how much it hurts being away from each other, you're relationship will survive.