Trust

I moved in with my boyfriend in July, and its been hard going, but its been going really well. I thought we were quite happy. Until recently.

Basically, we've been fighting a lot recently and we're still finding a balance. These fights are about stupid little things and last around an hour at the very most. A couple of weeks ago we had a HUGE row and i slept in the spare room for 2 nights. We made up and i thought taht everything was back to normal... until last week when i went for my cambridge interview

I was using my boyfriend's phone to call a taxi, and when it got there i got out of the car to go to the taxi. I still had his phone in my hand but didnt notice until the taxi drove off. Basically, i was worried he'd think he lost it, so i tried to send a text to the guy he works with to let him know. However, his phone shows the last sent message when you click "create message". It said "night night, love you xx". NOw that DEFINITELY wasnt sent to me... so i read the rest of his messages. I dont want a lecture on how i shouldnt have.. i would never have done if i hadnt seen that.

Anyway... these messages would make a whore blush... the girl he'd been texting was sending him cyber sex stuff... i was pretty disgusted. Also, one of her texts said "why could you fall in love with me" and another said "how long ahave you been single". You get the jist. He told me he was going on a "business trip" to he town she lives in... but from these messages it seems blantant that he was going to meet her. The messages were sent like the night before, when we'd stayed in a hotel together.

I confronted him and he admitted it. Then, he made it seems like it was JUSTIFIED by the fact that we'd been fighting! He said things had felt strained lately, and so he'd been "driven to it". Basically I started throwing things at that point and in the end he apologised profusely, grovelled and looked sorry. So i forgave him. He promised he'd never have done anything in person... and i believe him, he wouldnt have the guts. He also said that he'd been worrying all day that i'd seen his messages and had felt guilty for a while.

Now i cant trust him. He's put a pin on his phone (i know because he asked me what a PUK code is) which makes me suspicious, because if he wouldnt do it again then why lock it? Also, he locks his computer everytime i go near it (i'm not even looking at it!!) so i cant see what's on his msn etc.

Now i know i shouldnt have looked at his messages, but it was innocent.

AM i wrong to be distrustful, and am i wrong to feel that he should be trying to earn my trust back?

Reply 1

Poica

14

You're completely right. I'm surprised you stayed with him. He does not deserve you, quite simply.

Reply 2

Trigger

18

def not it seems he is still cheating, if i had been caught out like that i would make sure my other half knew exactly what i was doing all of the time. Dump his 2 timing ass

Reply 3

blissy

15

Trust is extremely hard to rebuild. He should be doing everything to make you trust him, not arouse more suspicion. If he's looking elsewhere I would question his commitment to the relationship.

Reply 4

jessiek

1

Dump him..Though its your "fault" for looking at his messages, you had a reason to and you validated it. PUtting a PIN lock on his phone and locks his computer is not the way for him to get your trust again, that is if he wants it again. To me, it seems like he's not attempting to get your trust back and there's no point if he's the one who did something wrong and is not trying hard. He's either stupid, or just an ass. That's just my opinion here..

Reply 5

pikaboo

13

Pfft dump him, it doesn't sound like he's even sorry for what he's done or tried to make amends with you. You need serious reassurance that this kind of thing will never happen again, so he needs to make the effort...if that's not forthcoming then maybe there's very little left holding you together.

Reply 6

Manatee

14

I think you're completely justified in not trusting him, especially since locking his phone and computer suggests he still has something to hide. He hasn't even made an effort to regain your trust (apologising and then ensuring you can't ever see his messages again isn't the way to go about that) - in my opinion you'd be better off without him.

Reply 7

TKR

15

he locked his phone and hides his comp - sounds like hes still doing it to me or at least planning to

Reply 8

wingman

Dump him. May be hard but if he's scheming behind your back then you'd be a fool not to in my opinion.

Reply 9

Icy Ghost

2

jessiek

Dump him..Though its your "fault" for looking at his messages, you had a reason to and you validated it. PUtting a PIN lock on his phone and locks his computer is not the way for him to get your trust again, that is if he wants it again. To me, it seems like he's not attempting to get your trust back and there's no point if he's the one who did something wrong and is not trying hard. He's either stupid, or just an ass. That's just my opinion here..

dump his sorry ass.

Reply 10

Wineblood

Why are you all saying she should dump the guy ?? OK, he cheated but he was forgiven. Doesn't mean everytime he tries to get some privacy he's cheating again. Damn right to lock his own phone and comp, they're very personal items and being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to give up your right to privacy.
Has anyone considered that the guy is nervous about being dumped and that possibly anything could be used against him ??

Reply 11

Ronove

18

Wineblood

Why are you all saying she should dump the guy ?? OK, he cheated but he was forgiven. Doesn't mean everytime he tries to get some privacy he's cheating again. Damn right to lock his own phone and comp, they're very personal items and being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to give up your right to privacy.
Has anyone considered that the guy is nervous about being dumped and that possibly anything could be used against him ??

Erm, covering up his computer (especially msn) so she can't see what he's doing is not something he should feel he has to do if he doesn't have anything else to hide now. If anything he should be more open than usual about it and let her see if his conscience was now guilt-free and he was remotely interested in regaining her trust. Confront him about this new guilty covering up he's doing, and then (unless there is some miraculously convincing explanation) get rid of him. He sounds like a complete prick to me.

Reply 12

Sheen

11

trigger

def not it seems he is still cheating, if i had been caught out like that i would make sure my other half knew exactly what i was doing all of the time. Dump his 2 timing ass

I agree!
Dump him NOW!!!!!
if hes so sorry and hes not upto anything why is he locking everything that he could use to have contact with the other woman

Reply 13

Wineblood

Ronove

Erm, covering up his computer (especially msn) so she can't see what he's doing is not something he should feel he has to do if he doesn't have anything else to hide now.

Maybe he does have something else "to hide" as you say, something he doesn't want to share with his gf. For all we know he could be talking to a family member on msn about some family problem. Does the girl have a right to see this ?? Not if he doesn't want her to.

Ronove

If anything he should be more open than usual about it and let her see if his conscience was now guilt-free and he was remotely interested in regaining her trust.

Guilt-free ?? I don't think so. I do some stuff online which isn't bad, but I'm not ready to show anyone else. What's to say he isn't doing the same ??

Ronove

Confront him about this new guilty covering up he's doing, and then (unless there is some miraculously convincing explanation) get rid of him. He sounds like a complete prick to me.

See, I love your reasoning here. He's been caught cheating, therefore anything that, even remotely, looks like cheating should immediately be considered as such, without any proof. And the next logical step, based on those assumptions, is dumping the guy.
:rolleyes:

Reply 14

Little Girl Red

1

I reckon, talk to him about it again. Explain that what he's doing isn't exactly rebuilding your trust in him (exaclty the opposite). Tell him that you thought he valued you enough to be honest with him, even if it's hard. Tell him that if he doesn't give you some answers, you are considering ending your relationship.
Stick to your guns. Breaking up will be hard. But it will hurt far less if you do it now than a few months or years down the line.

dump him now.

Putting a new code on his phone and computer really does suggest that he has something to hide. Ask him why he's done this rather than assuming the worst straight off though. Nothing worse than actingly rashly and wondering if you did the right thing.

Did he actually go and meet this girl? You weren't very clear in your original message. Or was it something you caught before he went?

At the end of the day it's up to you..do you mind your boyfriend having cyber sex with people online or texting with them? If the answer is yes then tell him this is something you don't find acceptable in a relationship and that if it is continuing to happen you want it to stop or else the relationship stops.

If someone was covering their computer screen from me & locked their phone I would think they were hiding stuff. You shouldn't HAVE to hide stuff from your girlfriend so it's clearly something he thinks you'd dislike.

Trust

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