The Student Room Group

being lonely and depressed

i know this has been probably done so many times before but i really need to get a few things off my chest;sorry,its a long read:

as you can tell from the topic title ive become seriously lonely and depressed
here are the reasons why

- i have absolutely no friends at all.the only 2 friends i thought i had moved away to uni at summer and they havent spoke to me once since they left(ive went out of my way to phone them twice just when they left but theyve never even sent me txt msg) so im afraid to say i dont call them friends anymore

- a few months ago i got a job at a local call centre which just adds to my depression.theres alot of worse jobs out there but this one was highly paid and i need to save up money.as a result of my new job and lifestyle i dont speak to anyone or socialise anymore.i spend all my time listening to sad music and watching movies (which are both great things but you need more in your life) its just the same thing 9-5 every single day.ive become so lethargic and adapted to my new lifestyle im afraid that ill never make any friends again

- my whole life ive only ever known one girl that ive ever wanted to become my girlfriend and because im so shy it took so much courage and guts to ask her out and the moment i did it i regretted it(because we had been getting closer and closer to eachother for months before and i knew it was a stupid thing to do). she said she really liked me but that she just didnt want to be in a relationship at that time (which was fine by me) UNTIL a week later i found out she was dating my friends brother.and after she was done with him she dated another guy(who i hated).all this left me utterly heartbroken and depressed and it took me about a year to get over her(pathetic).so the outcome is shes been with her new turd of a boyfriend for about a year now and she never even talks to me anymore. i hate myself for ever trying because im sure she just thought i was an ugly loser,thats why she had to make pathetic excuses for not going out with me.
so overall,ive completely lost all hope and trust in women
i dont think ill ever end up with a girlfriend(nevermind a wife or family)
i have absolutely no confidence in myself and ive adapted so much to being in my own company that i couldnt imagine it any other way...

- this christmas is going to be the loneliest christmas yet because my parents have been fighting over the last year and i think theyre on the brink of divorcing so their company isnt going to do anything for me this year. and seeing as i have no friends i have no to wish a merry xmas to this year(except my brother)not only am i not excited about xmas this year,im dreading it...
im not even going to bother trying to go out and socialise because im lousy at meeting new people and people just think im shy and weird,and i also dont want to face all my 'friends' that have come home from uni for the holidays and have all these exciting stories about themselves,and the sight of happy couples sicken me (ive no problem with them,it just depresses me)

im not usually the one who moans because theres so much worse situations to be in but i really had to get this off my chest.thank you for your time...

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Reply 1
:hugs:

I understand the lonely/bad Christmas perfectly. :smile: And I'm lonely too and don't even HAVE a job. Sorry dude, no advice there.
Reply 2
nope. same as above but i'll give u a cyber hug
*hugs*
Reply 3
I know about all of that... excpet the job situation.

I can't offer much advice as I have similar problems but what I can recommend is if you're finding the current situation intolerable, do something. Do you work weekends? Surely on those days you must have enough energy to find some watering holes to have a laugh at (and given you work you have the money to do it to).
Reply 4
hugatree
:hugs:

I understand the lonely/bad Christmas perfectly. :smile: And I'm lonely too and don't even HAVE a job. Sorry dude, no advice there.


i was a bum for 6 months when all this stuff started.being a bum for a while is amazing,but as the months go on it gets really depressing... hope youre going to be ok
Reply 5
comadeep
i was a bum for 6 months when all this stuff started.being a bum for a while is amazing,but as the months go on it gets really depressing... hope youre going to be ok

I love being a bum but I need the money. :wink:
And yes I'm okay. :smile: I just don't let it take me down. If you constantly think about it instead of getting on with life and knowing sth is gonna change then you just get more depressed.
Reply 6
ferrus
I know about all of that... excpet the job situation.

I can't offer much advice as I have similar problems but what I can recommend is if you're finding the current situation intolerable, do something. Do you work weekends? Surely on those days you must have enough energy to find some watering holes to have a laugh at (and given you work you have the money to do it to).


yeah money aint a problem
i spend most of it on music equipment and dvds which occupy me and cheer me up sometimes but i just feel disconnected from humanity these days,and this time of the year just makes it worse...
going out and trying to socialise is just painful for me because im pathetic at it,so i just stay in my house
Reply 7
Hi,
I can understand what you are feeling,i feel like you at times. First thing i can suggest is try to think about what you really enjoy, hobbies etc and join a club for that hobby if you can, see if there are any evening classes you might like to do (and might help you get a different job), do some volunteer work, take up a sport or go to the gym, just anything so there is more to you life and somewhere you can meet people but there isnt too much pressure on you to be socialiable and there is something in common which you can talk about.

Some of the feelings you are describing fit in with what you can call social anxiety. Search for this on the net and there are alot of websites which can tell you more about it. I believe i have mild social anxiety so if you want to pm about this thats ok. I've had councellling through uni which has helped to some extent, cognitive behavioural therapy often helps. It might be something you could consider. This book - Overcoming social anxiety and shyness by Gillian Butler, is really really useful.

Christmas sucks, end of, its probably going to be difficult but hang in there. There are lots of people feeling the same as you- sending you a hug!

When people go away to university it is very difficult to stay in touch with people from home, it might be worth ringing or texting your friends now that they've come home for the holidays.

Do you know what kind of job you'd enjoy? Maybe thinking about this and getting some work experience could help as it means theres something to plan for and think about.

Another thing i'd advise but i might not be what you like to do is to save up and go travelling. You could just go for a little while or for a long time, far away or near, do work in a different country or just travel around, but its something to aim for, have new experiences which you can tell people about and it might help you to think about your future!

Just maybe trying to raise your confidence and self esteem might help it'll enable you to try new things and talk to new people and slowly you'll get new friends.

Anyway, i don't know if this will help or not but this is just some of my thoughts, sorry if it doesnt really make any sense!
Sarah xxx
Reply 8
hey sarah,
thanks a million for your advice
you clearly do know what ive been experiencing..

my job isnt the worst part of my situation but it just adds to the loneliness of it all
im actually at work just now
i get extremely bored so i browse the internet alot hehe
im only working at this call centre temporarily
i prolly only have around 2 months left to go
ive been saving most of the money ive earned to get musical equipment
(i'm hoping to record my own album next year and become an independant musician so thats one of the only things that keep me going)

i was looking up some basic stuff on social anxiety and you were right,it fits me pretty perfect
i dont necessarily agree on the advice you gave me on my ex-friends because i think no matter how far you are away from someone no one is too busy to send a brief txt msg,especially if its your best friend
im so sick of the people i used to call my friends
before i stopped talking to them it just seemed so one way,id be the one calling,txting,emailing them
but theyd never go out of their way to contact me so ive just given up on them
i have been so tempted sometimes to forget all this and phone them but i want to see how long it takes for them to realise it
its been about 4 months now
theyll be home for christmas but im just not the kinda person who can put this kinda thing behind me
im pretty bad at holding grudges

overall,i just have no confidence in myself
that problem i had with that girl nearly killed me
and now that ive got over that,its my friends that making me depressed
i think the worst thing of all though is watching my parents get worse and worse
its going to lead to something disasterous sooner or later
and xmas is the perfect catalyst

god ive never moaned so much in my life...
I am in exactly the same situation, except I am fortunate enough to have overcome the slight depression I had a few years ago, even if my situation is worse now. I just look forward to the little things, and keep busy. I find doing activities - sports really helps.

As for it being pathetic to take one year to get over a girl, I sympathise, I respect you for even being able to approach her. I am so pathetic I spent 5 years without being able to tell her how I felt.
Reply 10
Fluent in Lies
I am in exactly the same situation, except I am fortunate enough to have overcome the slight depression I had a few years ago, even if my situation is worse now. I just look forward to the little things, and keep busy. I find doing activities - sports really helps.

As for it being pathetic to take one year to get over a girl, I sympathise, I respect you for even being able to approach her. I am so pathetic I spent 5 years without being able to tell her how I felt.


5 years? man thats intense...i couldnt imagine it but like you said at least you had things to do to pass the time. i ended doing the most pathetic obsessive things during that one year you dont even want to know.i respect people who can get over this kinda problem quickly
Reply 11
comadeep
hey sarah,
thanks a million for your advice
you clearly do know what ive been experiencing..

my job isnt the worst part of my situation but it just adds to the loneliness of it all
im actually at work just now
i get extremely bored so i browse the internet alot hehe
im only working at this call centre temporarily
i prolly only have around 2 months left to go
ive been saving most of the money ive earned to get musical equipment
(i'm hoping to record my own album next year and become an independant musician so thats one of the only things that keep me going)

i was looking up some basic stuff on social anxiety and you were right,it fits me pretty perfect
i dont necessarily agree on the advice you gave me on my ex-friends because i think no matter how far you are away from someone no one is too busy to send a brief txt msg,especially if its your best friend
im so sick of the people i used to call my friends
before i stopped talking to them it just seemed so one way,id be the one calling,txting,emailing them
but theyd never go out of their way to contact me so ive just given up on them
i have been so tempted sometimes to forget all this and phone them but i want to see how long it takes for them to realise it
its been about 4 months now
theyll be home for christmas but im just not the kinda person who can put this kinda thing behind me
im pretty bad at holding grudges

overall,i just have no confidence in myself
that problem i had with that girl nearly killed me
and now that ive got over that,its my friends that making me depressed
i think the worst thing of all though is watching my parents get worse and worse
its going to lead to something disasterous sooner or later
and xmas is the perfect catalyst

god ive never moaned so much in my life...


To be honest you're probably right about your friends, i'm afraid that just what I do though, I ignore that they didn't call me and put up with it. Not sure how to change it but at least if I ignore the fact they didn't ring or text me first then I've got at least a few people to hang around with!

As a side note, what do you play? Do you write your own songs? What kind of music do you make?
Reply 12
to Captain Chaos : my brother is 4 years older than me and yes,i am very very greatful that he is with me at christmas,hes the only person i enjoy talking to these days,and hes a stronger person than me so he helps me through all this stuff that my parents are going through and reassures me about the postive side of things.if he wasnt with me itd be so much worse...

to Sarah : the music i make is quite hard to describe,im the only one involved with it.its kind of sad,dark sleepy acoustic based music.its a good outlet for the way i feel about alot of things.im saving up for an 8-track portastudio to record it on and a good amp to play live with.im hoping to do the whole thing myself and avoid getting involved with record companies and promoters and agents and such.DIY the whole way!
Reply 13
been through the same sort of thin coma, pretty similar.

n those call centre jobs are a b*tch, especially if you dont feel up for their motivational games etc. :wink:
Reply 14
ferrus
I know about all of that... excpet the job situation.

I can't offer much advice as I have similar problems but what I can recommend is if you're finding the current situation intolerable, do something. Do you work weekends? Surely on those days you must have enough energy to find some watering holes to have a laugh at (and given you work you have the money to do it to).


Write your feelings down, either mask them in prose or poetry, or just plain write them down. It's cathartic, you feel better. You might even be impressed, or proud at a push.

Or play guitar, or sing...These are just the things I have in my room lol but maybe youre into other things...*Tries to play guitar, sing and write a song* :P

EDIT: I see you are quite a musician. I'm jealous now lol. Christmas isn't that good for me but I'll live through it :biggrin:

When the New Year starts then I can hopefully get some things done:

Job
Transfer Course
House

Then I'll be happy. But until then...lol
Hello! :hugs:
Believe me, it'll get better!
I've had a situation similar to yours, but for other reason.

To cut it short, when I was 15 my mum decided she doesn't want to live in Russia anymore. We went to England, I didn't have mobile nor internet/e-mail address - no connection to my friends/family. Totally alone. Start from scratch, from a blank page, it's like someone threw my whole life away with my hobbies and family and friends!

Basically, you won't feel better until you feel good about yourself. If you manage that, people will connect to you better, if you know what I mean.

I know it might not seem like a "boy thing" to do, but may be try writing a diary?? Get a nice thick notebook, a good quality pen and start writing about what you feel. And why. And what you think about it. You'll soon find that you've got a lot to write! That helps you clear your head from all depression and makes it easier to open up to good things.

Walk home from walk or something, or go for a walk in the fields somewhere - i call that my "thinking time". The more you think about your own feelings (I don't mean feeling sorry for yourself, just analysing life and the meaning of life and all), the more you become at peace with your inner self. Erm, sounds kind of stupid, I know, but you'll love the feeling.

And, just to cheer you up...

You are such an amazing person!
I've never met anyone like you!
You are so unique, everyone wants to be with you!
You are the best friend, I'm sorry I don't always appreciate that!
I wish I could spend Christmas with you, it'd be so much fun!
I'd love to talk to you, you are wonderful!
Merry Christmas, And lets hope that the New Year - 2006 - will be good, prosperous and encouraging!
Lots of love from

Tania xxxx
I won't make it long, but seek help. I had minor depression and it ended up getting so serious that I had no concept of time and had difficulty reading. It bascially took a year out of my life
Reply 17
Yeah its weird reading your post because a lot of things resonate with me. The last two years have pretty much been hell for me, so many friends in the past just dissapeared and I was reluctant to try and make new ones because of this. I put up quite a strong guard and I find it difficult relating to anybody these days.

It has destroyed my confidence and I dont even have much of a personality anymore. Even the few people I would call friends now still do not do half the things I would expect, like see if Im alrite every once in a while...its more of an 'on the moment' thing.... if they are bored on msn I'm good for a chat, but out of sight.... out of mind.

I have also read up on SA and think I do suffer from this, I have also been diagnosed with depression and quite frankly have kind of given up....I dropped out of uni, havent got a job, and I just cannot get out of this cycle no matter how many people on message boards tell me how easy it is
then get someone in real life to tell you... :smile: gg.
Reply 19
hey comadeep ,

I too share some of your lonelyness pain. I live in a really bad area in ny and i hate going outside because im always kinda afraid that im gonna get jumped or attacked or something. all my friends have also left, some in army and others in college or are married now etc.

i guess i feel bad because without my friends to watch my back i sorta feel like im alone out here. not to mention is hard as hell to find a job that pays 401k or pension unless you have some rediculous degree.

so i still live at home, in the projects, am beyond poor and i never really leave the house. i spend most of my time either online or playing videogames.

i dont know what i can do to overcome these emotions. with a job i can move out on my own and start from scratch. but as it stands now, i dont even like going out to the store. my heart races at a million miles an hour and my knees rattle.

i tend to do well hiding it, but sometimes the fear overrides my brain and turns me into an idiot. not seeing dont walk signs, bumping into people etc. i dunno.