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Best Friend. Girlfriend.
Ok so about 2 months ago my best friend (female) started going out with a girl. The next day she came to visit me. After 24 hours of knowqing each other-they were going out. Within 48, telling each other they loved each other. All the week she came to see me, they were on the phone, texting. It annoyed me that she seemed so distant, like she didn't want to be there. We had a few arguments about it, but it left all calm and nice.
The phone calls/texts/general chats slowly faded and got less the longer after she'd left.
I came home the other night, after not seeing her for 2 months. She was away, at a wedding. Came back the next night. She didn't bother to call/text, instead went to see her girlfriend. I got annoyed, she hadn't seen me in 2 months but still wanted to see the girlfriend first. The next day she apologised, and said she'd make more of an effort. We went out that night, had a very good night, I however refused to meet her girlfriend. I don't like the things ive heard, and I don't like the way its made things turn out. I had one text off her yesterday, and nothing since. So I text her tonight, seeing if she wanted to do something. I was "too late". If I want to see her, ive got to let her know before she and the girlfriend make plans. So I've basically told her to get lost.
Am I being unreasonable? How do I fix this? How do I even talk to her, when all shes got to say is "well everyone else can see how much [girlfriend] means to me, and understands me spending time with her. You can't expect me to not see her at all for the next 3 weeks."
Help? I don't really want to loose this friendship, but I can't cope with being pushed so far down her priority list that I have to arrange almost 24 hours in advance if I want to see her.
The phone calls/texts/general chats slowly faded and got less the longer after she'd left.
I came home the other night, after not seeing her for 2 months. She was away, at a wedding. Came back the next night. She didn't bother to call/text, instead went to see her girlfriend. I got annoyed, she hadn't seen me in 2 months but still wanted to see the girlfriend first. The next day she apologised, and said she'd make more of an effort. We went out that night, had a very good night, I however refused to meet her girlfriend. I don't like the things ive heard, and I don't like the way its made things turn out. I had one text off her yesterday, and nothing since. So I text her tonight, seeing if she wanted to do something. I was "too late". If I want to see her, ive got to let her know before she and the girlfriend make plans. So I've basically told her to get lost.
Am I being unreasonable? How do I fix this? How do I even talk to her, when all shes got to say is "well everyone else can see how much [girlfriend] means to me, and understands me spending time with her. You can't expect me to not see her at all for the next 3 weeks."
Help? I don't really want to loose this friendship, but I can't cope with being pushed so far down her priority list that I have to arrange almost 24 hours in advance if I want to see her.
Are you male/female?
I'm female.
Lol I had my post deleted. It's more censorship! What ever happened to freedom of speech. Ok, i'll put it nicely, seriously I think you're story is a little sickly, things change when people get together vis a vis a relationship. You've got to deal with that and work around your friends plans, I have to do that and my friends have to do that. You sure you ain't got somethnig for this girl? Sounds like a whole lesbian showdown to me. God that was a struggle.
I understand entirely that things must change. I'm very willing to accept that. I'm not willing to accept that I'm spose to give my best friend warning when I may want to make plans. I don't think thats right. Also, I've accidentally let slip to her brother that shes a lesbian. And he's picked on her for about 5 years, joking that shes a dyke. It was completely accidental. And no, I definately do not have a "thing" for her.
I think you've been a quite harsh on her and she has been a little bitchy to you. I don't think it's unreasonable that when you are in a relationship you adjust priorities. Also it's possible that you are just growing apart. It often happens to friendships and you mentioned being away for 2 months. Just out of interest if you don't mind me asking..how old are you?
I hate when my friends won't set down plans til the last minute and get pissed if I'm already doing something. It's not her fault she made plans with her girlfriend. If I were in a relationship and my mate said maybe we'd do something, but my girlfriend or boyfriend called and definitely wanted to make plans then I'd do something with them. If she's operating on a first come first served basis that is fair.
Honestly can you say that you'd prioritise a friend over your boy/girlfriend? If I'd just got back from a trip I'd visit the girl/boy and then spend the next day and eve with my mate. It's not like you are only back for one day and she missed it. Just because you aren't number 1 on her list any more doesn't mean she is a bad person. It can be easy to get wrapped up in a relationship. That's not wrong..but yes it can be a tad annoying.
It sounds like you don't like their relationship or the girl but I think you must meet her before you judge.
I hate when my friends won't set down plans til the last minute and get pissed if I'm already doing something. It's not her fault she made plans with her girlfriend. If I were in a relationship and my mate said maybe we'd do something, but my girlfriend or boyfriend called and definitely wanted to make plans then I'd do something with them. If she's operating on a first come first served basis that is fair.
Honestly can you say that you'd prioritise a friend over your boy/girlfriend? If I'd just got back from a trip I'd visit the girl/boy and then spend the next day and eve with my mate. It's not like you are only back for one day and she missed it. Just because you aren't number 1 on her list any more doesn't mean she is a bad person. It can be easy to get wrapped up in a relationship. That's not wrong..but yes it can be a tad annoying.
It sounds like you don't like their relationship or the girl but I think you must meet her before you judge.
Seriously though, does anyone see it as that much of a problem? Just sit down and discuss it and I'm sure it will be alright.
Quite possibly the most sensible reply rosetinted. But. I'm 18, I'm at uni. I got annoyed about the going-to-see-the-girlfriend-first, because she'd seen her just a day or 2 before, but had hardly spoken to me. And its not that I expect her to keep her plans open, not at all. She hasn't actively made any effort to do anything with me, I've had to do it. And when I do do it, she'd prefer to be with the girlfriend. Things have changed drastically, she now lies to me about where she is because she knows I'll get annoyed with it. But all she can say is "everyone else can see how happy I am". She's just so self involved. She doesn't even ask anything about whats going on with me, she's not interested when I tell her. What am I supposed to do? Perhaps we are growing apart. But how do you do that gracefully when you've been so close for so long, only to be pushed apart by the introduction of someone new? What annoys me more, is that this isn't like boyfriend/girlfriend would be. Its as though she just has another best friend who she likes to kiss too. And that just makes me completely redundant.
Woodsy
Seriously though, does anyone see it as that much of a problem?
Depends how seriously it affects the OP. What seems like a small problem to you or me could be a bigger problem to her. We don't know the backstory. I try not to make any assumptions.
Anonymous
We went out that night, had a very good night, I however refused to meet her girlfriend.
By refusing to meet the girlfriend you widening the rift between you and your friend.. You keep doing this and she'll start to see her life with the girlfriend and her friendship with you as incompatible.
So I've basically told her to get lost.
Am I being unreasonable? How do I fix this?
Help? I don't really want to loose this friendship, but I can't cope with being pushed so far down her priority list that I have to arrange almost 24 hours in advance if I want to see her.
i have 2 friends in a similar situation, guy is gay and the girl is striaght, girl has a string of boyf's (she is quite the type to be always in a relationship) and during this time she dissappears off the face of the earth and they, althought being best friends since they were really young, are never friends during this time, but they always seem to make up and become friends when she breaks up with the latest boyf, vicious circle.
Its an easy situation to fall into, they want to spend lots of time with their other half but can't get the balance right, I get annoyed when this happens because your friend will reappear when its over expecting it to be hunky dory even though you've hardly seen them. I think you have to make clear that they need to make time for you, but I think you have to understand that her g/f is no1 to her for now, especially a new relationship people become inclusive and very close. Do you feel because they are the same gender that you feel even more left out?
Its an easy situation to fall into, they want to spend lots of time with their other half but can't get the balance right, I get annoyed when this happens because your friend will reappear when its over expecting it to be hunky dory even though you've hardly seen them. I think you have to make clear that they need to make time for you, but I think you have to understand that her g/f is no1 to her for now, especially a new relationship people become inclusive and very close. Do you feel because they are the same gender that you feel even more left out?
OK well you have a sensible attitude about not expecting her to keep plans open. As for the loss of contact, this is a fairly common thing. It's not necessarily due to lack of interest in your friends, but often when people are living different lives they grow apart from one another a bit. It does sound to me like you currently value the friendship more than she does. I've been through a similar situation with a female friend. She is very easily distracted by her boyfriends and relationships. I often felt like I was just being held in reserve for those days when they were fighting and to act as the agony aunt for her.
Is it possible that she felt a bit deserted when you went off to uni? When I left the country to go travelling before my friend went off to uni she kind of resented it for me...still does really. There's this strange aspect of friendships between women (and poss men as well..I don't know). As much as you like them there is this bit of rivalry. I've spent the past 2 1/2 years training as a ski instructor, travelling a lot in Canada and having a total ball. My friend went to uni and I always get this vibe of jealously off her because I'm having fun and she's working. Maybe she's a bit jealous of you?
Do I ever know this feeling?! This friend of mine was always the same way. I can drive and she can't so I'm always the one doing the transportation, even if she could get a lift or take a bus it was ALWAYS a whining phonecall begging me to pick her up because she couldn't plan the time to go and catch a bus and change in town to a different one and she couldn't be bothered to ask her dad for lifts. Why bother when muggins will pick you up? She doesn't drive because she can't be bothered to learn. That bugs me no end.
She also doesn't plan things and when I try it's always a real effort. Some people are bad at planning, some lazy and some are quite selfish. My friend is the latter option. She has been through some bad things in her life and has ended up quite self involved. Some people are like that (sounds like your friend is too) and you have to chose whether it is worth it any longer.
It sounds like the introduction of the girlfriend has brought out some of the worse points about your friend. However I think that the girlfriend isn't necessarily the cause of these things. I stick by what I said that maybe you should meet her. It will help you to judge if it is your friendship going a bit sour..or if it is because her girlfriend is very jealous and clingy.
It could be the perspective you've gained at university allows you to see your friend more clearly now. Has she always been a bit selfish? The two of you will have changed somewhat over the past 2 months as well. 18 is a time of huge changes, it definitely was for me. It's a real shame sometimes when you see that someone clearly isn't quite the person you always thought they were.
The way I resolved my situation was through talking to her and explaining that she left me out, used me and treated me like the back-up friend for when plans fell through. We then didn't speak for 6 months, sometimes the most painful thing you can tell someone is the truth. I thought the friendship was done but she did call and we resolved things somewhat. We're not friends like back in the old days and it no longer bothers me. She is still very selfish and admits it, but it is just an aspect of her which now I have seen I can't shut my eyes to. If your friend, like mine, just has a general idea of her coming first always then you have to decide if that is acceptable to you. For me it wasn't.
Is it possible that she felt a bit deserted when you went off to uni? When I left the country to go travelling before my friend went off to uni she kind of resented it for me...still does really. There's this strange aspect of friendships between women (and poss men as well..I don't know). As much as you like them there is this bit of rivalry. I've spent the past 2 1/2 years training as a ski instructor, travelling a lot in Canada and having a total ball. My friend went to uni and I always get this vibe of jealously off her because I'm having fun and she's working. Maybe she's a bit jealous of you?
She hasn't actively made any effort to do anything with me, I've had to do it.
Do I ever know this feeling?! This friend of mine was always the same way. I can drive and she can't so I'm always the one doing the transportation, even if she could get a lift or take a bus it was ALWAYS a whining phonecall begging me to pick her up because she couldn't plan the time to go and catch a bus and change in town to a different one and she couldn't be bothered to ask her dad for lifts. Why bother when muggins will pick you up? She doesn't drive because she can't be bothered to learn. That bugs me no end.
She also doesn't plan things and when I try it's always a real effort. Some people are bad at planning, some lazy and some are quite selfish. My friend is the latter option. She has been through some bad things in her life and has ended up quite self involved. Some people are like that (sounds like your friend is too) and you have to chose whether it is worth it any longer.
It sounds like the introduction of the girlfriend has brought out some of the worse points about your friend. However I think that the girlfriend isn't necessarily the cause of these things. I stick by what I said that maybe you should meet her. It will help you to judge if it is your friendship going a bit sour..or if it is because her girlfriend is very jealous and clingy.
It could be the perspective you've gained at university allows you to see your friend more clearly now. Has she always been a bit selfish? The two of you will have changed somewhat over the past 2 months as well. 18 is a time of huge changes, it definitely was for me. It's a real shame sometimes when you see that someone clearly isn't quite the person you always thought they were.
The way I resolved my situation was through talking to her and explaining that she left me out, used me and treated me like the back-up friend for when plans fell through. We then didn't speak for 6 months, sometimes the most painful thing you can tell someone is the truth. I thought the friendship was done but she did call and we resolved things somewhat. We're not friends like back in the old days and it no longer bothers me. She is still very selfish and admits it, but it is just an aspect of her which now I have seen I can't shut my eyes to. If your friend, like mine, just has a general idea of her coming first always then you have to decide if that is acceptable to you. For me it wasn't.
This happens all the time....dont worry about it! A lot of people start neglecting friends when they find 'love'. "U cumin cinema m8?" "naa seein becky sorry" .... but what they don't realise, is friends will be there for you ALWAYS!! gf/bfs come and go in life. So when this person splits up with whoever it is, they realise they have no friends as they're long gone.
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