The Student Room Group

Difficult Parents

Currently, I'm in year 12. I have a very good friend from Malaysia who has decided that she wants to read Music at university. She isn't really that keen on the idea of a campus university, but her father insists on it even though he went to one of the smaller colleges that has subsequently become Imperial, so never actually experienced campus life. Ideally, she would like to be in a big city, but her father won't let her because he says that he isn't paying for her to go to university to party all night, but to work 24/7. He also thinks that the only universities she should even consider are Oxford and Cambridge, and doesn't seem to have grasped the fact that you can't just walk into Oxbridge with straight As She has been researching universities, and when she mentions places such as KCL, he just dismisses them as rubbish. I can understand that internationally, people have only really heard of Oxbridge, LSE and Imperial but with her course she can only apply to one of those. I don't really know what to say to her because I'm in a completely different situation - I'm a UK student, and my parents don't really mind what I do or where I go as long as I'm happy (to a certain extent). I was wondering if anybody has had similar experiences with their parents, and if they have any tips on how to try and get her father to understand the situation because she's getting really upset about it.

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Reply 1
heninacoop
Currently, I'm in year 12. I have a very good friend from Malaysia who has decided that she wants to read Music at university. She isn't really that keen on the idea of a campus university, but her father insists on it even though he went to one of the smaller colleges that has subsequently become Imperial, so never actually experienced campus life. Ideally, she would like to be in a big city, but her father won't let her because he says that he isn't paying for her to go to university to party all night, but to work 24/7. He also thinks that the only universities she should even consider are Oxford and Cambridge, and doesn't seem to have grasped the fact that you can't just walk into Oxbridge with straight As She has been researching universities, and when she mentions places such as KCL, he just dismisses them as rubbish. I can understand that internationally, people have only really heard of Oxbridge, LSE and Imperial but with her course she can only apply to one of those. I don't really know what to say to her because I'm in a completely different situation - I'm a UK student, and my parents don't really mind what I do or where I go as long as I'm happy (to a certain extent). I was wondering if anybody has had similar experiences with their parents, and if they have any tips on how to try and get her father to understand the situation because she's getting really upset about it.


This is a difficult one - different culture, different attitudes. I know of a gifted mathematician from an Asian family who really wanted to study Mathematics, but because of her father's insistence she has had to apply for Medicine. It is easy to criticise, but we aren't in their shoes, so shouldn't.

The perceived prestige of the universities or the courses are more important to the families than any sense of fulfilling one's own desires.

What I would do if I was in your position would be to encourage her to present her father with all the options open to her, reminding him that what is the right thing for some is not necessarily the right thing for everyone. As prestige is obviously so important to him, she could show him some of the subject league table uni placings for music. I would have thought that a 'specialist' college would be more appropriate for her, unless she is seeking to study a different subject with her music just being an adjunct to the major subject.

She needs to do some thorough research, lay the results of her research on the table in front of him (to avoid getting into discussion and giving him the opportunity to argue with her) and leave him to read! This will enable her to defend her position with the facts, and challenge her father's misconceptions without confrontation.

This would be a good start;

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/section/0,,6734,00.html
Reply 2
it was difficult to convince my parents that a university could be any good if it would let you in on less than 3Bs :rolleyes: they wanted me to do resits of my A2s and all kinds of stuff and commute to BirminghamU. my mum wanted to insist on me studying from home cos she thinks that universities are giant shaggeries and everyone gets drunk and drugged to the eyeballs. she even suggested OpenU :eek:

wooohooo, I can't wait to get away to Chester! :biggrin:

fortunately I'm paying for it all, not my parents, so I can get my own way but it's really difficult when the parents are paying cos they aren't going to make an 'investment' they don't trust and it's really easy to distrust when you are ignorant in any field

so start with the arguement that britain can't just have four world-class unis among loads of rubbish ones and show him the facts
Reply 3
It's not that I want to criticise him, but I know that ultimately some sort of compromise that makes him feel like he's won the argument will be established. I think the bit that he's finding the hardest to accept is that she wants to be happy in whichever university she ends up in, which depends on the location, style of university (campus or not) and course, not just the name of the university.
Reply 4
In a way i know exactly how she feels, but to be honest theres not much you can do to change her fathers mind. Surely somewhere like the Royal Academy of Music, would be much better to read music, and much more prestigous in that field?

In the end she has 6 uni choices, so after she applies to those her dad wants her to go to, she still has room to choose her own unis
Reply 5
Well firstly you could reassure your friend by saying that you can still party all night by going to a campus uni if thats one thing shes worried about :wink: Secondly, maybe tell her to sit down and chat with her dad about how prestigeous kings is for music? (its very very very highly rated for music)

But also accept that at the end of the day sometimes parents will have the ultimate say over what their children do with their lives.. Its sad when they think they know whats best and dont really but its something you have to live with. Just tell her to make the most out of any circumstance shes in at the end.

Best of luck :smile:
Reply 6
Big thanks for everybody's ideas and suggestions, I've passed them onto her. She showed him the league tables, and he just told her to apply to the top 6 campus universities, but hopefully they can work it out eventually.
Reply 7
The Royal Academy of Music is very hard to get into.
heninacoop
Big thanks for everybody's ideas and suggestions, I've passed them onto her. She showed him the league tables, and he just told her to apply to the top 6 campus universities, but hopefully they can work it out eventually.


Has she told her dad that it's not always easy (or even possible at all) for second years to stay on in campus accomodation? Chances are she'll have to move out in her second year anyway unless she gets into Oxbridge, so it doesn't really make all that much difference where she starts off...
Reply 9
whats the point in studying music? No offence but you can either play it or you cant- there no point spending 3 years doing a degree in it if you can already play at grade 8 level. You might as well go and do a degree in something else icase you dont make it as a musician!
Reply 10
Doing a music degree isnt just about playing the instrument...
Reply 11
mangomaz
Doing a music degree isnt just about playing the instrument...

:ditto:

Performance and understanding of the subjects are independant...
Reply 12
Hear, hear. :smile:
Reply 13
Show the dad the international league table and then the UK league table? Say, considering this dad of hers wouldn't settle for anything less than the top regardless of how much misery he puts his daughter through anyway, make a compromise and only apply to the top 15 unis in the UK?
Nguyen
I'm not trying to generalize here, but the asians and pakistanis always seem to be so obsessed with getting a 'proper' education at the 'best' universities.

Some are construde as very competitive...


You speak the truth my friend. However, not all Asian parents are like that. My dad is Pakistani and he's also a Doctor but i wasn't pressurised into the 'Medicine or Die! :mad:' thing, they would have LIKED me to do Medicine but i hate everything science and they knew about that.

On the other hand, my cousins have all been forced into Medicine, i feel sorry for them, 'tis a horrible future. :p:
yea league tables seems like a good idea. soemtimes u can fiddle with them a bit, print em off and then show your parents lol. well thats if they quite ditzy lol

my parents were quite difficult with the idea of moving away for uni. but my bros done it now, so they're a bit more lenient with me. :smile: and they know its for the best :smile:
Nguyen
Yeah lol. Have you seen that Bollywood film where the parents' want the guy to become a Doctor and he falsifies it etc?


Yeah, i can't remember the name though. Medicine = teh sux0rs.
Multiplexed
You speak the truth my friend. However, not all Asian parents are like that. My dad is Pakistani and he's also a Doctor but i wasn't pressurised into the 'Medicine or Die! :mad:' thing, they would have LIKED me to do Medicine but i hate everything science and they knew about that.

On the other hand, my cousins have all been forced into Medicine, i feel sorry for them, 'tis a horrible future. :p:


My best mates 'rents are both doctors and they forced her into medicine at uni...she failed first year, repeated (without telling them lol), failed again and in the end dropped out. She's now doing the degree she always wanted to do but her dad doesn't speak to her and all her mum says is "I can still get you back into med school".

Parents eh...who'd have em
Reply 18
Multiplexed
You speak the truth my friend. However, not all Asian parents are like that. My dad is Pakistani and he's also a Doctor but i wasn't pressurised into the 'Medicine or Die! :mad:' thing, they would have LIKED me to do Medicine but i hate everything science and they knew about that.

On the other hand, my cousins have all been forced into Medicine, i feel sorry for them, 'tis a horrible future. :p:

Hehe my dad was the same (although hes not a doctor) but he was like 'you should do medicine' I was like er no... (even though I had the right subjects for it)

When I told him I wanted to do economics his response was to try to persuade me not to take it on the grounds of 'you cant do anything with an economics degree' :rolleyes: He's kind of realised his mistake now lol.
I hate interfering parents! grrr :mad: