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Tell a joke! watch

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    What's green and fuzzy, has six legs, and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?



    A snooker table.
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    What do you call a rich bear? Winnie the Pools.

    Ruthlessly and remorselessly stolen from a wotsits packet.

    What do you call an eskimo in an Ali G costume? an Innu-innit.
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    What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?






    Rape.
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    A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm.

    "One for me and one for the road please!"

    A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

    Two horses walk into a bar. The barman sees them and says, "Why the long faces?"
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    (Original post by faketales)
    so, i saw a man and a woman in tescos... they were wrapped in a bar code. i said to them, "are you two an item?"

    you know those candles that never go out.. well, last week there was a fire at the factory that makes them

    So I said to the gym instructor.. "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
    He says "How flexible are you?", I say: "I can't make Tuesdays,"
    Tim Vine - legend
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    well this is another lame addition to the joke collection, i think i saw it in a film.

    a plane is about to crash a young man and old women are sitting next to each other. the young man is trembling and shaking the old women asks "nervous?"
    he replies "just a bit"
    she says" is it your first time"
    he says "no i have been nervous loads of times before!"

    :laugh:
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    Ok ive got one

    Right it was a very cold day and in a garden there was an apple and a banana tree.One of the bananas turns around to one of the apples and says:
    "Brrrr its cold aint it?"
    The apple turns around and says, "WHAT!!!!!????? :eek: A TALKING BANANA!!!

    :rolleyes:

    --------------

    Whats a pilots favourite crisps flavour???








    PLAIN -lmao!
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    (Original post by James T)
    Ok ive got one

    Right it was a very cold day and in a garden there was an apple and a banana tree.One of the bananas turns around to one of the apples and says:
    "Brrrr its cold aint it?"
    The apple turns around and says, "WHAT!!!!!????? :eek: A TALKING BANANA!!!

    :rolleyes:
    How funny!
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    A man is out playing golf with his friend when in the road next to them a hearse drives past. The man sets down his golf clubs, takes his hat off and lowers his head in respect for the funeral procession.

    His friend is surprised by how moved the man has become, he says: "That was a very nice gesture, but can I ask, why did you do that?"

    "It was the least I could do." says the man. "She was a very good wife to me for all the 32 years we were together."


    www.funny.com is a brilliant source of jokes.
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    The f(x)=2x2 + 11 x + 12 walks into a bar.

    The barman says, "Sorry mate we don't cater for functions"

    Sad I know :rolleyes:
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    In the vein of golf jokes:

    A man and a vicar were playing golf together. The man misses an easy putt on the 8th hole.

    "GOD DAMMIT! MISSED!", he cries in dismay.

    "Don't take God's name in vain", nasals the vicar, before sinking his ball.

    On the 14th hole, the same thing happens to the man again.

    "GOD DAMMIT! MISSED!", he roars, chucking his hat on the ground and trampling it in anger.

    "Don't take God's name in vein", drones the vicar, before slotting his.

    The ball narrowly misses the 18th hole which would have kept the man on par.

    "GOD DAMMIT! MISSED!" he spits.

    "Don't take God's name in vein", weedles the vicar, before putting his ball.

    Suddenly, the heavens open, and a thunderbolt strikes the man.

    A mighty voice is heard from heaven:

    GOD DAMN IT. MISSED.
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    What has a hazelnut in every bite, Pure milk chocolate for your delight?




    Squirrel S****
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    Why did the woman cross the road?....


    Who cares why the **** isn't she in the kitchen?
    ________________________________ _________________
    How do you make a band stand.....

    Take the chairs away!
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    Why should you never buy a women a watch?




    Because the time is on the oven clock!

    Only joking girlies!
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    (Original post by Anne Auraque)
    Why should you never buy a women a watch?




    Because the time is on the oven clock!

    Only joking girlies!
    omg that is SO good!!! very very sexist mind! i liked that one!

    one of mine:
    your mama so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion
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    nice p.c one:

    whats white and fluffy? white fluff
    whats pink and fluffy? white fluff holiding its breath
    whats blue and fluff? white fluff held its breath too long



    What do you call two robbers? A pair of knickers

    What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Gets up and goes home. (i love being blonde...)
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    Your mama's so fat, they started diggin' her grave before she was born.
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    (Original post by GengisKahn)
    Your mama's so fat, they started diggin' her grave before she was born.
    haha thats good. i love "ur mama" ones

    ur mama so fat, when she jumps up in the air, she gets stuck!
 
 
 
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