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Crimson Black
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#61
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#61
(Original post by wacabac)
Three mice are in a bar, bragging about how they are harder than the other two. One mouse downs a shot of tequila and says, "I'm so hard, I find a mousetrap round the house each day, set it off, catch the bar in my teeth, do 100 sit-ups then make off with the cheese."

The second one downs two shots and says "I'm so hard, I go round the house collecting all the mouse poison, then I grind it up and put it in my coffee every morning so I get a buzz for the rest of the day."

The third one casually gets up to leave and says, "Sorry guys, gotta go home and rape the cat."
:rofl: - That's great.
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Cunning Linguist
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#62
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#62
(Original post by wacabac)
Three mice are in a bar, bragging about how they are harder than the other two. One mouse downs a shot of tequila and says, "I'm so hard, I find a mousetrap round the house each day, set it off, catch the bar in my teeth, do 100 sit-ups then make off with the cheese."

The second one downs two shots and says "I'm so hard, I go round the house collecting all the mouse poison, then I grind it up and put it in my coffee every morning so I get a buzz for the rest of the day."

The third one casually gets up to leave and says, "Sorry guys, gotta go home and rape the cat."
oh my gosh.... thats just brill!! LOL LMAO. made me laugh big time!
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Nuheen
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#63
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#63
Pappu watched his father’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Santa and Preeto in a passionate embrace. Pappu found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Preeto auntie. I went back to look and he was giving her a big kiss, then he helped her take off her dress. Then she helped Daddy take his pants off, and then they........"

At this point Jeeto cut him off and said, "Pappu, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for dinner. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Jeeto asked little Pappu to tell his story.

Pappu started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt Preeto laying down on the back seat. Then how she and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mom and Uncle Banta used to do when Dad went out of town.
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Nuheen
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#64
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#64
I post this again by chance you didnt read it.

There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day,the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb on to his porch roof. while sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in. Jim replied, "thats okay,God will take care of me". So the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At this point another boat came and Jim told him the same thing.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim said "That okay"
The woman said " Are you sure"
Jim replied, " Yeah, I'm sure god will take care of me"

Finally the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.
Jim said to God," You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied, " Well I sent you two boats and a helicopter! What else did you want!"
________________________________ _______________________

A new one:

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."
________________________________ ______________

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
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wacabac
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#65
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#65
Any +ve rep for my joke?
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AngelofnoColour
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#66
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#66
Can I have pos rep for this joke

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
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Crimson Black
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#67
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#67
(Original post by BlueAngel)
Can I have pos rep for this joke

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
That is (not) hilarious.
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Bob123
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#68
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#68
This one is SICK DONT READ IT!!!


SERIOUSLY




What cracks when you F*** it?






A babies pelvis.
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THE_ROCK
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#69
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#69
Who wans to read my jokes?
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Crimson Black
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#70
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#70
(Original post by Greek_22)
Who wans to read my jokes?
:rofl:






Wait. I don't get it.
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kinza75
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#71
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#71
i do i do!
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ForeverIsMyName
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#72
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#72
What's better than a paralympic gold medal?

Legs
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Crimson Black
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#73
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#73
(Original post by ForeverIsMyName)
What's better than a paralympic gold medal?

Legs
Now that IS good.
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Spiral Architect
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#74
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#74
A woman has had 5 kids and isnt feeling much 'down below' when having sex with her husband, in fact its hanging there like a ripped out fireplace so she decides to treat herself to a bit of 'nip & tuck' down below to tighten and tidy things up.
She wakes up after the operation, and laying in her bed she sees 3 red roses on her bed, each has a note attached, so she reaches over and picks the first one up, which reads...
"To Mrs. Bloggs, from your surgeon. - Congrats on the op. in 20 years of doing this job I have never had a better patient. Hope everyting works out well for you".
Then she reaches for the second note...
"To Martha, from your husband. Can't wait to get you home and try out your new flange, it'll be great to feel the sides again, and act like teenagers romping all over the house".
Then (inevitably) she gets to the third note, which simply reads...

"From Eric, in the Burns Unit next door..... Thanks for the new ears"
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James T
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#75
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#75
Ill do mine again for +ve rep
It was a cold day and there was a garden. There was a banana and an apple tree next to each other.
The banana tree turns around to the apple tree and says, "brrrrr its old ain it!"
The apple tree turns around and replies, "what!!!!!???? a talking banana!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whats a pilots favourite crisps flavour?






plain.

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Crimson Black
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#76
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#76
(Original post by James T)
Ill do mine again for +ve rep
It was a cold day and there was a garden. There was a banana and an apple tree next to each other.
The banana tree turns around to the apple tree and says, "brrrrr its old ain it!"
The apple tree turns around and replies, "what!!!!!???? a talking banana!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whats a pilots favourite crisps flavour?






plain.

You're very trusting. Usually people wait for affirmation that they will get rep.
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qwerty_st/n
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#77
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#77
dunno if anyones told my joke before...if they have then how dare they!!!

jim and mary are patients at a mental hospital. one day they are both walking through the hospital grounds when all of a sudden, mary jumps into the deep end of the hospital swimming pool and sinks right to the bottom. without a seconds hesitation jim jumps in and swims to the bottom pulling mary out and saving her life.
when the hospital manager hears of this he's made up and orders jim's immediate release from the institute claiming he is mentally sound.

that afternoon he goes to jim, he says..'jim, i have some good news and some bad news for you. the good news is that we are going to discharge you. the way you saved another patient's life today was amazing. and we feel you have regained your senses...you are free to go.

'the bad news however, is that the patient whose life you saved tonight has killed herself. she was found hanging by the belt from her dressing gown earlier this afternoon.'


Jim says 'No. No. No.... She didn't kill herself..i hung her there to dry'.


Boom Boom!!
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-Kav-
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#78
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#78
Hah, excellent. This one's a little long but here goes:

God visits three men in their respective dreams. They are George W Bush, Robert Mugabe, and Ian Paisley. He says to each one, "The world is going to end in a week's time. Go and tell your people." Bush calls a press conference and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a God and the bad news is that the world is going to end in a week's time. Mugabe calls together his cabinet and says, "I've got some bad news and some terrible news. The bad news is that the world is going to end tomorrow and the terrible news is that there is a God and he didn't look best pleased with yours truly." Ian Paisley calls a great DUP rally and says, "I've got some good news and some fantastic news. The good news is that there is a God and the fantastic news is that there'll never be a United Ireland!"

Here's hoping you all know who Ian Paisley is
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wacabac
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#79
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#79
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?








Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon...


Michael Jackson...is a suspected paedophile (court ruling or not, people are still wary).
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Profesh
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#80
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#80
I've no shortage of quips and epigrams, if those may be classified as such; for instance:

Inside every fat person, is an even fatter person eating their way out.

A Skoda has all the suspension of a bridge, and is about as manoeuvreable.

et c.
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