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socially inept brother
hi
my brother is a social leper.
im not meaning to sound rude, but it is true (and im no socialite myself).
for the past few years (pretty much since we've grown up really) hes been very unhappy. hes been unable to make friends (where i have) despite us going to the same schools, colleges etc. even at university hes not made friends; he fell out with the people he was living with in first year when he moved in with them in second year. hes living with some others now and i think theyre ok.
he is very shy; ridiculously so really. he often walks with his head down, he doesnt like to even speak to people on the phone. well thats gotten a bit better nowadays but you get the idea.
he is also VERY hard to talk to, and to reason with. for example, if you say something he doesnt like, he'll just walk off and not listen to what youre saying. this is obviously very difficult to deal with when youre trying to explain something!
he also seems to associate things with me. like, ive got friends so he'll be like 'why can you have friends and i cant?' and i try to explain that what ive got doesnt diminish what he could have but again, he just walks off or says that it isnt fair etc etc
basically, what i need to know is what can we do? this is really driving my us (me and my parents) mad (he bangs doors, shouts, constantly asking my parents what he can do) and getting us worried too; since clearly, this isnt a good state of affairs. im worried about my folks too cos if im out hes gonna be going mental at them, and then at me when i get back (but i cant stay in all the time!)
obviously one solution is to invite him out with my friends, and indeed i do invite him. however, he usually doesnt accept and even if he did i feel he wouldnt have a good time. he simply wouldnt talk to anyone he didnt know (so that just leaves me really!). he doesnt accept anyway; he always says 'i dont want to go out with YOUR friends'; 'itll be crap' etc etc without giving it a chance. (i tried to explain that he cant go out with his friends cos he doesnt have any so he needs to get some first.. but again he just doesnt accept this).
another solution is to send him to the doctor i guess. then he can get referred to a professional or something; they can talk to him, theyd probably know the right things to say. but again, hes refused to go along with this. so, short of knocking him out and dragging him to the doctor (even if we did he probably wouldnt say anything
); what can we do?!?!
[sorry for the long post but this is really important]
my brother is a social leper.
im not meaning to sound rude, but it is true (and im no socialite myself).
for the past few years (pretty much since we've grown up really) hes been very unhappy. hes been unable to make friends (where i have) despite us going to the same schools, colleges etc. even at university hes not made friends; he fell out with the people he was living with in first year when he moved in with them in second year. hes living with some others now and i think theyre ok.
he is very shy; ridiculously so really. he often walks with his head down, he doesnt like to even speak to people on the phone. well thats gotten a bit better nowadays but you get the idea.
he is also VERY hard to talk to, and to reason with. for example, if you say something he doesnt like, he'll just walk off and not listen to what youre saying. this is obviously very difficult to deal with when youre trying to explain something!
he also seems to associate things with me. like, ive got friends so he'll be like 'why can you have friends and i cant?' and i try to explain that what ive got doesnt diminish what he could have but again, he just walks off or says that it isnt fair etc etc
basically, what i need to know is what can we do? this is really driving my us (me and my parents) mad (he bangs doors, shouts, constantly asking my parents what he can do) and getting us worried too; since clearly, this isnt a good state of affairs. im worried about my folks too cos if im out hes gonna be going mental at them, and then at me when i get back (but i cant stay in all the time!)
obviously one solution is to invite him out with my friends, and indeed i do invite him. however, he usually doesnt accept and even if he did i feel he wouldnt have a good time. he simply wouldnt talk to anyone he didnt know (so that just leaves me really!). he doesnt accept anyway; he always says 'i dont want to go out with YOUR friends'; 'itll be crap' etc etc without giving it a chance. (i tried to explain that he cant go out with his friends cos he doesnt have any so he needs to get some first.. but again he just doesnt accept this).
another solution is to send him to the doctor i guess. then he can get referred to a professional or something; they can talk to him, theyd probably know the right things to say. but again, hes refused to go along with this. so, short of knocking him out and dragging him to the doctor (even if we did he probably wouldnt say anything
); what can we do?!?![sorry for the long post but this is really important]
Scroll to see replies
are you older than him/same age or what?
IMO it sounds like your pbrother really does want to gain the confidence to go out and make friends, seeing as his brother can! but then on the other hand, he's probably being defensive, when you suggest he goes out with you, because maybe he doesn't want to depend on you, he wants to be his own man!
as to what you can do, i'm not sure. Maybe just not pressure him to going out with you, but make sure the opportunity is always there. Maybe once you build up a relationship with him, he may gain trust and be himself more.
IMO it sounds like your pbrother really does want to gain the confidence to go out and make friends, seeing as his brother can! but then on the other hand, he's probably being defensive, when you suggest he goes out with you, because maybe he doesn't want to depend on you, he wants to be his own man!
as to what you can do, i'm not sure. Maybe just not pressure him to going out with you, but make sure the opportunity is always there. Maybe once you build up a relationship with him, he may gain trust and be himself more.
One possible reason for your brother being the way he is is he's got a mental illness. I'm not being offensive here, my stepbrother (who is... err, 12 or 13 or so) has only recently been diagnosed with this. It's a light form of autism that makes people agressive, unsociable and not understanding certain basic emotions.
So yeah having him checked out by a psychiatrist wouldn't be such a bad idea. Of course he might just be a hermit, I know people like that too.
I'm not being offensive here, my stepbrother (who is... err, 12 or 13 or so) has only recently been diagnosed with this. It's a light form of autism that makes people agressive, unsociable and not understanding certain basic emotions. So yeah having him checked out by a psychiatrist wouldn't be such a bad idea. Of course he might just be a hermit, I know people like that too.
hugatree
One possible reason for your brother being the way he is is he's got a mental illness. I'm not being offensive here, my stepbrother (who is... err, 12 or 13 or so) has only recently been diagnosed with this. It's a light form of autism that makes people agressive, unsociable and not understanding certain basic emotions.
So yeah having him checked out by a psychiatrist wouldn't be such a bad idea. Of course he might just be a hermit, I know people like that too.
I'm not being offensive here, my stepbrother (who is... err, 12 or 13 or so) has only recently been diagnosed with this. It's a light form of autism that makes people agressive, unsociable and not understanding certain basic emotions. So yeah having him checked out by a psychiatrist wouldn't be such a bad idea. Of course he might just be a hermit, I know people like that too.
I wouldnt go that far..
He probably doesnt like society in general.
Not that i know more than any other lay person but....it sounds a little like how people describe mild autism - he sounds similar to an autistic freind my sister has. Like you said, if the problem's ongoing and you and your parents are stuck, then a proffessional is probably the way to go.
EDIT: i see someone already said that. Oh well, ditto to them, then.
EDIT: i see someone already said that. Oh well, ditto to them, then.
Godsize
I wouldnt go that far.. He probably doesnt like society in general.
He probably doesnt like society in general. He's quiet and he doesn't seem to listen when you tell him stuff. He's normal otherwise, that's why they've only just found out now.--------------
Tom
Not that i know more than any other lay person but....it sounds a little like how people describe mild autism - he sounds similar to an autistic freind my sister has. Like you said, if the problem's ongoing and you and your parents are stuck, then a proffessional is probably the way to go.
EDIT: i see someone already said that. Oh well, ditto to them, then.
EDIT: i see someone already said that. Oh well, ditto to them, then.
see it's not that weird. Get him checked out. gemma.....
Ouch:-(. It's an awful situation for both you and your brother.
I think the main objective is to get to the underlying issue, i.e what really makes him behave in such a way. Has he experienced bullying? Is he self conscious about the way he looks?
Have you tried sitting down with him and having a heart to heart? I suggest you give it a go, and if he gets angry about this give him an ultimatum, tell him it's for the best.
I think your parents need to do their work on this too. He really needs to see a doctor with them and if he doesn't talk then surely your parents can discuss what the problem is. Then see if there is any way to get him to counselling?
I mean there's nothing wrong with being timid but if it's at the stage where he is anti social then it's a problem. What about having a Christmas party and inviting as many people as possible. Make sure he stays in the house and get him talking with your friends (perhaps you should warn your friends beforehand to be very friendly and open). He needs a lot of support.
As I said there must be something that has happened or an underlying problem that makes him do these things. Don't put too much pressure on him though! Maybe you and him just need some time too, like going out for a meal, cinema, bit of shopping and see how he copes. Maybe you could sneakily meet up with one of your friends whilst he is there too?
I really do not know..it seems very tricky. At the same time, he needs to know that the predicament is making it difficult for everybody and that he cannot go on like this :-) Just boost his confidence and self esteem! But try to seek professional advice asap in some way!
Good Luck
Gemx
I think the main objective is to get to the underlying issue, i.e what really makes him behave in such a way. Has he experienced bullying? Is he self conscious about the way he looks?
Have you tried sitting down with him and having a heart to heart? I suggest you give it a go, and if he gets angry about this give him an ultimatum, tell him it's for the best.
I think your parents need to do their work on this too. He really needs to see a doctor with them and if he doesn't talk then surely your parents can discuss what the problem is. Then see if there is any way to get him to counselling?
I mean there's nothing wrong with being timid but if it's at the stage where he is anti social then it's a problem. What about having a Christmas party and inviting as many people as possible. Make sure he stays in the house and get him talking with your friends (perhaps you should warn your friends beforehand to be very friendly and open). He needs a lot of support.
As I said there must be something that has happened or an underlying problem that makes him do these things. Don't put too much pressure on him though! Maybe you and him just need some time too, like going out for a meal, cinema, bit of shopping and see how he copes. Maybe you could sneakily meet up with one of your friends whilst he is there too?
I really do not know..it seems very tricky. At the same time, he needs to know that the predicament is making it difficult for everybody and that he cannot go on like this :-) Just boost his confidence and self esteem! But try to seek professional advice asap in some way!
Good Luck
Gemx
he hasnt been bullied. well not to any significant extent really; just a bit of name calling like most people really.
for the heart to heart, yeah i have tried. i really do try. but like i said, if he doesnt like hearing it, he'll just walk off.
the problem is he doesnt like listening to me. i often say things i know are right, that most people would say are right, but because its me saying it, he wont listen. he thinks im 'up myself'.
christmas party would be an idea; thing is most of my friends are uni friends thus dispersed all over the country. i have invited him out for NYE but i doubt hes gonna come.
when its just me and him, and hes not being moody its great. the conversation flows and stuff (even if he concentrates a lot on study and stuff). if i met up with a mate he would immediately take a backseat to the conversation. even if i lead him into it ('what do you think?' type questions) i imagine he would give monosyllabic / short answers.
and he is older than me by one academic year (the year above, but often hes 2 calendar years older than me)
Something like Asperges maybe? I know some people who have that, they're not exactly social rejects but they have trouble making friends, fitting in etc. I think Asperges is a form of autism...?
Adam83
agree with gemma, there is an underlying problem
does he get support from your parents?
what about them, do they have lots of friends?
does he get support from your parents?
what about them, do they have lots of friends?
my folks dont really know what to do with him really so i guess not as much as he should.
and no, not really; my mum has a fair few friends i guess but nah theyre not very social either. i could probably fairly accurately explain whyh this is but its very long, complicated and too off point really. im sur eyou can imagine anyway.
Adam83
agree with gemma, there is an underlying problem
does he get support from your parents?
what about them, do they have lots of friends?
does he get support from your parents?
what about them, do they have lots of friends?
well my folks are quite clueless as to what to do. so i guess they dont give as much as they should
and no, not really., theyre not the most social people in the world i guess
lil_sweetie
Something like Asperges maybe? I know some people who have that, they're not exactly social rejects but they have trouble making friends, fitting in etc. I think Asperges is a form of autism...?
Aspergers is a form of autism, but I'd be careful about throwing around autism and Aspergers around so flippantly when it needs months, years of close contact with specialists to get a formal diagnosis. (Not just aimed at you, but anyone saying that's what it probably is. You can't diagnose using the internet!) My cousin probably has it, but the doctors still haven't confirmed it as such after all this time. Oh, and don't get me started on the self-diagnosers...
He probably just doesn't like people very much...
There are also other personality disorders where one is scared of social situations and being around large (or any) groups of people.
dogtanian
Aspergers is a form of autism, but I'd be careful about throwing around autism and Aspergers around so flippantly when it needs months, years of close contact with specialists to get a formal diagnosis. My cousin probably has it, but the doctors still haven't confirmed it as such after all this time. Oh, and don't get me started on the self-diagnosers...
He probably just doesn't like people very much...
He probably just doesn't like people very much...
I only said it sounded a little like what i know of autism, but really if the problem's ongoing and you've run out of ideas sufficiently to be asking here, then professional help is definitly the next step, even if it's just to be on the safe side.
El Scotto
Sounds like hes got a real problem that you dont know about.
could be something solvable like aspergers like thingy above said or something worse might of happened to him?
Sounds like hes got a real problem that you dont know about.
could be something solvable like aspergers like thingy above said or something worse might of happened to him?
well he did nearly get mugged once but so did i.
there was some *really* deep stuff that happened in our family. but it wasnt 'aimed' at him, or me. although i suppose that couldve messed him up hardcore? i dont know. im not a qualified psychiatrist so i cant really tell; besides he wouldnt even speak to me if i tried (read above!)
FAO; Captain Chaos. i dunno if FORCING him is a good idea, i mean it wont be fun for either of us right:
so i think the plan is to get him to the docs (with/;without parents/me). how to do this? talking to him? how to do that?! catch 22
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