Relationship Dilemma

Okay, I'm going to start from the start and get everything off my chest...this'll probably be a really long post, so I apologise in advance and thank anyone who manages to read it!

I've been with my boyfriend for just under 4 years. We have such a fantastic time together, and I certainly wouldn't want to be without him for anything in the world. We survived him starting university last year whilst I was still in Yr13, and we've been managing just fine since I started in September. Luckily enough, our universities are only 15 minutes away from each other by train so we get to see each other every weekend.

However, I feel like I have two separate lives, one at uni and one with him, and that whatever I do in one life won't affect the other. Obviously, this isn't the case and I'm not sure if anyone else will be able to relate, but its causing me some serious problems.

Because I can't link the two 'lives' together, my behaviour at uni can sometimes be similar to that of a single person. One night my friends and I got a bit carried away during an alcohol-induced game of spin the bottle (childish, I know) and we all ended up kissing. Nothing more happened, and none of it meant anything, but I felt I had to tell my boyfriend because we've always been completely honest with each other. At first he seemed to take it in his stride and was quite easy going about it, but now over a month later he's told me that he finds it difficult to trust me whilst I'm at uni, and that he even considered breaking up with me but decided against it when he realised he didn't want to be without me. His feelings are completely understandable, but now I'm left wondering what I can do to gain his trust again.

There's more...there are a few guys interested in me on campus, and although I don't feel anything for most of them, there is one that I like back. I don't think its unusual to have small crushes on other people when you're in a long-term relationship, especially if that relationship has been neglected a bit due to distance and coursework deadlines. But this guy has actually made it very clear that he wants something to happen with us; he's a good friend and I want it to remain that way, but I know that the minute I slip back into my 'uni life', I'll find it difficult to resist if we start talking about the situation again!

The whole thing is exciting again...after 4 years with one guy, its weird to be experiencing the thrill of someone new and different. Not to mention that my boyfriend and I are in kind of a routine - we know so much about each other that it feels like there's nothing new to learn, though I'm sure there is. And I think we take each other for granted. He never seems to tell me how he feels about me, or what he likes about me, which is a total contrast to the other guy who spent most of last Monday night telling me and anyone else who'd listen how amazing he thinks I am, and how all he wants is to cuddle up in bed with me.

I detest cheating, its the reason my parents divorced so its quite a personal issue for me. I don't want to cheat, all I want is to have my boyfriend trust me and stop taking me for granted, and to remain friends with the other guy (and to stop this little crush, too). What can I do or say to the other guy to try to make things normal again? Is there anything?

There are two obvious options: break up with my boyfriend and do the whole 'single' thing, or never see the other guy again. But both options suck so much! I suppose I'm looking for an easy option that doesn't exist...if anyone could make any suggestions at all, I'm willing to hear them. And if you want to flame me for being a horrible person, I'll probably agree so knock yourself out.

Thanks for reading, sorry its so long! :redface:

Reply 1

Mangaroo

You aren't being horrible. Its natural that if a relationship is not exciting, people tend to see other options as more appealing. But if you want to stay with your current boyfriend, then i think you need more of a spark. But dont just expect him to start writing poems all of a sudden because you are bored, its definately a two way thing, ie you have to put the effort into spicing things up as well.
People usually say that you should tell your partner everything, but in my honest opinion, telling your partner that you are bored with them will do nothing to benefit your relationship;

1) he will be pissed off, --> arguement --> break up.
2) he may be very insecure and descide to overcompensate in effort to save you, and you will get smothered.

Id just put more of an effort to liven things up, and occasionally drop hints that you want the same effort from him... light hints.
I think if you liven things up in the bedroom, things usually spice up in the relationship...although thats a bit risky/sketchy. hope that helps a little?

Reply 2

*Farfalla*

I was in exactly the same position as you this year. I was stuck between my long-term boyfriend who was 'safe' - we loved each other a lot and he was very caring. But the excitement of the new guy i had a crush on was really tempting and i did flirt with him. Sadly I broke up with my boyfriend earlier this month for other reasons.

Anyway you were looking for advice - basically just remember you're young.. you've just started university - ask yourself if you're going to regret not having had the chance with this new guy in the future... Ask yourself if you're just sticking with your boyfriend because he's safe and you both know each other very well. In the end it's down to you.... Be true to yourself and go with what your heart wants.

You shouldn't feel guilty for how you feel - it's perfectly natural and you know that cheating is not an option so I say go with the flow for a bit and give yourself some time to work out what you really want from your Uni-life.

Good luck! x

Reply 3

always + forever

The fact that you're interested in other people, shows (I think) that's there's something amiss with the relationship you are currently in. You have to address the problems that you and your boyfriend are having (eg. that the relationship is stale etc) if you want to stay together - It's not only that this other guy is there and interested, but also that you are willing to be 'tempted' by him. If it wasn't him, it would be some other guy. It's symptomatic of what's going on between you and your boyfriend. I really think that you have to (if you want to stay with your bf) identify the problems that you are having and work out how to solve them, before you move on to someone else.

Reply 4

33.33.33

i have been in a very similar situation rather recently, i didn't want to break up with my long term boyfriend (few years) yet there was such a thrill of someone new on the horizon. i couldn't possibly break up with him, but i finally pulled myself together and ended it (probably about 6 months after i should have done) and yes, it was horrible but now i couldn't be happier, and i don't regret it one bit. my advice is get out there at uni, mingle a bit, you are young and it's possible that you'll regret it if you don't. there won't be many opportunities like this in life so it's important you make the most of it :smile: