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Need to let this out...and need advice.
Me and my ex-girlfriend split up a month ago. We're first years at the same university. We had been going out 4 years and we were 'first loves' so to speak.
I was doing quite well but now I know she's with someone else.
My ex said that she was attracted to other people, and it would be unfair on me to continue things (fair enough). Although up until this point she always declared her undying love for me. She was very homesick when we started uni and i tried to spend as much time with her as i could spare to take care of her etc. She got over that and two weeks later she dumps me, and i guess i felt a bit used.
Turns out she's now hooked up with some guy from back home who works at a car dealership and my friends that know him don't speak too highly of him, using all sorts of colourful language.
Thing is this guy came out with me, my girlfriend and some of her friends for a night when we were back home for the weekend, and i guess thats when she decided she'd rather be with this loser.
Basically my emotional problem is this: I felt we were doing ok at uni and she was always telling me she loved me etc. But as soon as she gets used to uni she dumps me and hooks up with this guy immediately, who she was aquainted with in early november and knows relatively little about. He's no better looking really, quite short too. So basically i'm thinking she didn't really love me at all and was just putting up with me until what she saw as a better model came up.
What little confidence I had is now destroyed after finding this out, and I feel I'm back to the drawing board with this, cause I really was in love with this girl it's apparant that she felt relatively little for me after 4 years.
Sorry about that. Any advice you could offer about getting over this - any similar experiences to share? - would be greatly appreciated. Also getting confidence back to go out and simply talk to girls is a priority, but at a loss as to how to do this.
I was doing quite well but now I know she's with someone else.
My ex said that she was attracted to other people, and it would be unfair on me to continue things (fair enough). Although up until this point she always declared her undying love for me. She was very homesick when we started uni and i tried to spend as much time with her as i could spare to take care of her etc. She got over that and two weeks later she dumps me, and i guess i felt a bit used.
Turns out she's now hooked up with some guy from back home who works at a car dealership and my friends that know him don't speak too highly of him, using all sorts of colourful language.
Thing is this guy came out with me, my girlfriend and some of her friends for a night when we were back home for the weekend, and i guess thats when she decided she'd rather be with this loser.
Basically my emotional problem is this: I felt we were doing ok at uni and she was always telling me she loved me etc. But as soon as she gets used to uni she dumps me and hooks up with this guy immediately, who she was aquainted with in early november and knows relatively little about. He's no better looking really, quite short too. So basically i'm thinking she didn't really love me at all and was just putting up with me until what she saw as a better model came up.
What little confidence I had is now destroyed after finding this out, and I feel I'm back to the drawing board with this, cause I really was in love with this girl it's apparant that she felt relatively little for me after 4 years.
Sorry about that. Any advice you could offer about getting over this - any similar experiences to share? - would be greatly appreciated. Also getting confidence back to go out and simply talk to girls is a priority, but at a loss as to how to do this.
Reply 1
Jack0
Me and my ex-girlfriend split up a month ago. We're first years at the same university. We had been going out 4 years and we were 'first loves' so to speak.
I was doing quite well but now I know she's with someone else.
My ex said that she was attracted to other people, and it would be unfair on me to continue things (fair enough). Although up until this point she always declared her undying love for me. She was very homesick when we started uni and i tried to spend as much time with her as i could spare to take care of her etc. She got over that and two weeks later she dumps me, and i guess i felt a bit used.
Turns out she's now hooked up with some guy from back home who works at a car dealership and my friends that know him don't speak too highly of him, using all sorts of colourful language.
Thing is this guy came out with me, my girlfriend and some of her friends for a night when we were back home for the weekend, and i guess thats when she decided she'd rather be with this loser.
Basically my emotional problem is this: I felt we were doing ok at uni and she was always telling me she loved me etc. But as soon as she gets used to uni she dumps me and hooks up with this guy immediately, who she was aquainted with in early november and knows relatively little about. He's no better looking really, quite short too. So basically i'm thinking she didn't really love me at all and was just putting up with me until what she saw as a better model came up.
What little confidence I had is now destroyed after finding this out, and I feel I'm back to the drawing board with this, cause I really was in love with this girl it's apparant that she felt relatively little for me after 4 years.
Sorry about that. Any advice you could offer about getting over this - any similar experiences to share? - would be greatly appreciated. Also getting confidence back to go out and simply talk to girls is a priority, but at a loss as to how to do this.
I was doing quite well but now I know she's with someone else.
My ex said that she was attracted to other people, and it would be unfair on me to continue things (fair enough). Although up until this point she always declared her undying love for me. She was very homesick when we started uni and i tried to spend as much time with her as i could spare to take care of her etc. She got over that and two weeks later she dumps me, and i guess i felt a bit used.
Turns out she's now hooked up with some guy from back home who works at a car dealership and my friends that know him don't speak too highly of him, using all sorts of colourful language.
Thing is this guy came out with me, my girlfriend and some of her friends for a night when we were back home for the weekend, and i guess thats when she decided she'd rather be with this loser.
Basically my emotional problem is this: I felt we were doing ok at uni and she was always telling me she loved me etc. But as soon as she gets used to uni she dumps me and hooks up with this guy immediately, who she was aquainted with in early november and knows relatively little about. He's no better looking really, quite short too. So basically i'm thinking she didn't really love me at all and was just putting up with me until what she saw as a better model came up.
What little confidence I had is now destroyed after finding this out, and I feel I'm back to the drawing board with this, cause I really was in love with this girl it's apparant that she felt relatively little for me after 4 years.
Sorry about that. Any advice you could offer about getting over this - any similar experiences to share? - would be greatly appreciated. Also getting confidence back to go out and simply talk to girls is a priority, but at a loss as to how to do this.
Time heals all wounds. I was dumped two and half months ago and I'm still completely destroyed over the whole thing. I have tried all sorts to get over it with no success. My ex managed to find a new girl friend within weeks of dumping me. Never felt so betrayed in my life- was so convinced he was completely in love with me then suddenly he decides he's not. Tried to be friends with him since our split wasn't a bad one but he's not interested. I have absolutely no advice for you except that you just have to be patient and one day you'll find someone who makes you happier than your ex did and that's how life goes.
Breakups are always hard... I always look back on the time I spent with that person and it feels like it was all a big lie, like they were lying to me when they said they loved me, and that there must be something repulsive about my personality that they discovered... She was your first love and I hate to be blunt but these relationships rarely last into uni because you both change so much in such a short amount of time and get thrown into situations that you would never have had to deal with when you were younger. It's hard enough to deal with it even if you're both still happy together. Its also a time when people start to re-evaluate what they want out of life and relationships and it sounds like that's what she did. It doesn't mean that she didn't love you, just that perhaps you don't want the same things any more. But time really does do wonders. It's a valuable opportunity for you to do some thinking too, maybe take some time out to just enjoy yourself and re-discover yourself as an individual. Don't try to move on just to keep up with her- give yourself time to mourn the relationship and heal, otherwise any girls you do meet will have to deal with your emotional baggage, and that's not really a healthy start to a relationship.
Reply 3
Jack0, if by some miracle you can persuade her to read what you've just written up, I think you'll have said all that needs saying and then the ball is in her court. If she isn't openly touched by what you've got there, let time heal as it does... you'll find your own way to deal with things. 4 years is a long time, it's complicated and it'll be very individual how you sort out your head.
Strikes me as though you're capable of really caring and self-scarifice on your part which will really work for you in the future and get rewarded in many ways.
Moving on isn't finding someone else or getting a quick shag. It feels cheap, you'll think of her while you're at it (and if you're wasted, you might even let her name slip... oi, fewer accusing looks from the back please...)
There is no rush and you'll come through in good shape, in your own time.
Strikes me as though you're capable of really caring and self-scarifice on your part which will really work for you in the future and get rewarded in many ways.
Moving on isn't finding someone else or getting a quick shag. It feels cheap, you'll think of her while you're at it (and if you're wasted, you might even let her name slip... oi, fewer accusing looks from the back please...)
There is no rush and you'll come through in good shape, in your own time.
Reply 4
I dont think there is really much i can say to make you feel better... i know this because my ex broke up with me a couple of months ago and im still struggling on to try to get over it. I know its tough. All i can say is, girls would kill to go out with a guy like you. And u have to remember that. After months of a relationship where i felt unappreciated i know how much i would love to have a guy who took care of me when i felt down and really treated me well. Which is how it appears you treated your girl. She obviously didnt appreciate this. And as hard as it is to admit and to use, its her loss. Would you ever wana get back with someone who doesnt appreciate you?? No, so if you know you dont wanna get back with her then its easier to move on. Also, if you ever find yourself wondering if you meant anything to her, think back to those little times, where you two were alone and there was so much love and passion between you... first kiss/sex/xmas together? something like that. A time where there didnt need to be words between you, where you were both close and you know tht it was not just one sided. Those times will remind you tht no matter what on earth happens now, you know that she did love you as you loved her and nothing can take those memories back from you.
Try not to let it overcome you. I know its hard. But so so many girls would love a guy like you.
Try not to let it overcome you. I know its hard. But so so many girls would love a guy like you.
Reply 5
Jack0
OP
Many thanks for your kind replys everyone. It's touching to know that some people go through the same things and can relate to what I'm going through, and you've all offered some sound advice.
Whilst it is tempting to mail her the address of this post, I don't think it would be a very useful exercise. It may strike a chord with her but I'm not sure what it would achieve.
A lovely post DancingDiva, quite an ego boost as well, cheers! I'm sorry to hear about your relationship; and if a kind, caring and intelligent person such as yourself isn't appreciated then your ex isn't worth it, and I'm sure you'll find Mr Right who'll treat you with the loving tenderness you clearly deserve. You wouldn't happen to be near Bath would you....?
President_Ben
Jack0, if by some miracle you can persuade her to read what you've just written up, I think you'll have said all that needs saying and then the ball is in her court. If she isn't openly touched by what you've got there, let time heal as it does... you'll find your own way to deal with things. 4 years is a long time, it's complicated and it'll be very individual how you sort out your head.
Whilst it is tempting to mail her the address of this post, I don't think it would be a very useful exercise. It may strike a chord with her but I'm not sure what it would achieve.
DancingDiva
All i can say is, girls would kill to go out with a guy like you. And u have to remember that. After months of a relationship where i felt unappreciated i know how much i would love to have a guy who took care of me when i felt down and really treated me well.
A lovely post DancingDiva, quite an ego boost as well, cheers! I'm sorry to hear about your relationship; and if a kind, caring and intelligent person such as yourself isn't appreciated then your ex isn't worth it, and I'm sure you'll find Mr Right who'll treat you with the loving tenderness you clearly deserve. You wouldn't happen to be near Bath would you....?
Jack0
Me and my ex-girlfriend split up a month ago. We're first years at the same university. We had been going out 4 years and we were 'first loves' so to speak.
I was doing quite well but now I know she's with someone else.
My ex said that she was attracted to other people, and it would be unfair on me to continue things (fair enough). Although up until this point she always declared her undying love for me. She was very homesick when we started uni and i tried to spend as much time with her as i could spare to take care of her etc. She got over that and two weeks later she dumps me, and i guess i felt a bit used.
Turns out she's now hooked up with some guy from back home who works at a car dealership and my friends that know him don't speak too highly of him, using all sorts of colourful language.
Thing is this guy came out with me, my girlfriend and some of her friends for a night when we were back home for the weekend, and i guess thats when she decided she'd rather be with this loser.
Basically my emotional problem is this: I felt we were doing ok at uni and she was always telling me she loved me etc. But as soon as she gets used to uni she dumps me and hooks up with this guy immediately, who she was aquainted with in early november and knows relatively little about. He's no better looking really, quite short too. So basically i'm thinking she didn't really love me at all and was just putting up with me until what she saw as a better model came up.
What little confidence I had is now destroyed after finding this out, and I feel I'm back to the drawing board with this, cause I really was in love with this girl it's apparant that she felt relatively little for me after 4 years.
Sorry about that. Any advice you could offer about getting over this - any similar experiences to share? - would be greatly appreciated. Also getting confidence back to go out and simply talk to girls is a priority, but at a loss as to how to do this.
I was doing quite well but now I know she's with someone else.
My ex said that she was attracted to other people, and it would be unfair on me to continue things (fair enough). Although up until this point she always declared her undying love for me. She was very homesick when we started uni and i tried to spend as much time with her as i could spare to take care of her etc. She got over that and two weeks later she dumps me, and i guess i felt a bit used.
Turns out she's now hooked up with some guy from back home who works at a car dealership and my friends that know him don't speak too highly of him, using all sorts of colourful language.
Thing is this guy came out with me, my girlfriend and some of her friends for a night when we were back home for the weekend, and i guess thats when she decided she'd rather be with this loser.
Basically my emotional problem is this: I felt we were doing ok at uni and she was always telling me she loved me etc. But as soon as she gets used to uni she dumps me and hooks up with this guy immediately, who she was aquainted with in early november and knows relatively little about. He's no better looking really, quite short too. So basically i'm thinking she didn't really love me at all and was just putting up with me until what she saw as a better model came up.
What little confidence I had is now destroyed after finding this out, and I feel I'm back to the drawing board with this, cause I really was in love with this girl it's apparant that she felt relatively little for me after 4 years.
Sorry about that. Any advice you could offer about getting over this - any similar experiences to share? - would be greatly appreciated. Also getting confidence back to go out and simply talk to girls is a priority, but at a loss as to how to do this.
as no one else has yet, I feel obliged to do the all women are bitches speech,
But they're not all bitches, but what I'd do, to find out how much she really cares, is try it on with her bestfriend or her sister, or someone she knows, then If she gets all emotional and upset about it, then shes obviously in just a confused state of mind at the moment, but if she doesnt get upset, its probably better that its over now, and you havent wasted another 4years of your life before finding out. if you know what I mean.
Reply 7
El Scotto
as no one else has yet, I feel obliged to do the all women are bitches speech,
But they're not all bitches, but what I'd do, to find out how much she really cares, is try it on with her bestfriend or her sister, or someone she knows, then If she gets all emotional and upset about it, then shes obviously in just a confused state of mind at the moment, but if she doesnt get upset, its probably better that its over now, and you havent wasted another 4years of your life before finding out. if you know what I mean.
as no one else has yet, I feel obliged to do the all women are bitches speech,
But they're not all bitches, but what I'd do, to find out how much she really cares, is try it on with her bestfriend or her sister, or someone she knows, then If she gets all emotional and upset about it, then shes obviously in just a confused state of mind at the moment, but if she doesnt get upset, its probably better that its over now, and you havent wasted another 4years of your life before finding out. if you know what I mean.
It doesn't sound like she's in a confused state of mind. It sounds like she's pretty sure about what she wants. That sucks, but I think the best thing to do is to try and move on. Go out and have some fun, try to meet new girls. You're not going to be able to forget about this girl completely, nor will you be able to stop being in love with her, but it'll get easier to move on with time. Good luck
Reply 9
El Scotto
Yeah, Sshh. I was being nice to him : )
Yeah, Sshh. I was being nice to him : )
Oh right... sorry, I ruined it
Reply 10
emilymckay90
It doesn't sound like she's in a confused state of mind. It sounds like she's pretty sure about what she wants.
Bet you £10 that she isn't, and that having a boyfriend at University seemed too stifling & she just wants to be kind of half-free. Long distance relationships at that age don't work
so I don't expect for one secodn that it will last. She'll come running back to you, full of apologies once she's realised her mistake and then you have to decide what YOU want - someone who'll appreciate you or someone that needs a boyfriend for an emotional pillar. Currently her emotions are leading her down a different path than before. I got over that stage within three months of Uni, and am now with a man who loved me all along. It took me that long to realise it. It might take her longer. But do you want her back? If you don't then stop thinking about it. Say hello in passing. Don't text her unless she texts you. You're at university, have a good time!
Jack0
So basically i'm thinking she didn't really love me at all and was just putting up with me until what she saw as a better model came up.
I doubt that's the case at all
What I'm going to say might sound harsh, but I think its true because I'm in a similar situation. You said at the start of your post that you were each others 'first loves'. So your ex-girlfriend may have been sure she was in love with you, since she'd never had any experience of love. She interpreted her feelings for you as 'love', when it might not have been. People always say that when you're in love, you know it, but that's a bit of a sketchy criteria to base it on in my opinion.
I very much doubt that your girlfriend just pretended to love you until someone better came along; she probably did genuinely think she was in love with you. But university can change people and make them see things from a different perspective...perhaps she just realised that she didn't love you and wanted something different?
I know its difficult but eventually you'll get over her. Besides, Bath is full of hotties so you're bound to find someone new when you're ready!
As I said before, I'm in a similar-ish situation and have been through a horrible breakup myself, so if you ever need to talk about it, just PM me or find me on campus or something!
Reply 12
There was a post about this the other day.. again, don't go down without a fight! Leather the guy...get your mates to form a healthy group of people to go to his dealership and fend him off from your girl if you love her. I think its so upsetting the way girls do this...
Reply 15
Jack0
OP
Katia
I guess she's done this because she maybe feels she's missing out on something having been in a serious r.ship for 4 years...maybe she wants to live her life and not settle down at such a young age. :s
Nail on the head in terms of her feelings I think. However the way she's gone about splitting up with me, not telling me that she's hooking up with someone else, and her general attitude towards me...well I don't think I deserved it given what I did for her at the beginning of Uni. I did sacrifice socialising with new people to spend time with her - I'm now paying the price having not established strong social groups to hang around with. I would have been happier if she'd stayed single for a while to get her head sorted, and saved me being jealous etc, but I guess that is me being selfish.
Tim Kabel
There was a post about this the other day.. again, don't go down without a fight! Leather the guy...get your mates to form a healthy group of people to go to his dealership and fend him off from your girl if you love her. I think its so upsetting the way girls do this...
Nice idea and very tempting. But it's not the bloke who's done the hurting in my opinion, it's my ex's fault for falling for him in the first place. Anyone who poaches another guys girl is a bit iffy in my book, and I guess she didn't think about that. But thinking about it, if I met him randomly on the street I'd probably lay into him pretty bad.
I think it's all too easy to ignore the other side of the story in this. My own experience was pretty similar but I was the one leaving my bf after 4 years.
I met my bf at school (GCSE time) and we were practically inseparable right till the end of our A levels, but I really don't think I ever knew what I wanted. My bf was pretty much the first BOY I met, let alone my first bf. This kind of distorted my perspective a bit. Because he was my 'first love' I had just settled with whatever I got at the time. Don't get me wrong, what we had was beautiful, and part of the beauty of it was that he really was a 'first love' and it felt really genuine and honest because of this. I never wanted to leave my bf and thought the world of him. Even when we argued, I didn't think that he wasn't right for me for a second. I think I was under some kind of illusion as to what we had.
Gradually it started getting worse and I realised that I really was not happy. We were just stringing each other along because we had got 'used to' each other, and surely that isn't want love is supposed to be about.
What you must realise is that people change so much in four years, especially when young. Often people change so much during these years that they no longer have any of what brought them together in the first place. That's what happened with me.
Nowadays I know that it takes a lot more to be compatible in the longrun.
I know it must be really difficult for you, but if she no longer felt the same way, then you must realise that you aren't really meant for each other any more. Sure it was great while it lasted, but now that you are older I think you'll be able to make a better decision about who to go out with and it'll prove to be more fruitful.
I met my bf at school (GCSE time) and we were practically inseparable right till the end of our A levels, but I really don't think I ever knew what I wanted. My bf was pretty much the first BOY I met, let alone my first bf. This kind of distorted my perspective a bit. Because he was my 'first love' I had just settled with whatever I got at the time. Don't get me wrong, what we had was beautiful, and part of the beauty of it was that he really was a 'first love' and it felt really genuine and honest because of this. I never wanted to leave my bf and thought the world of him. Even when we argued, I didn't think that he wasn't right for me for a second. I think I was under some kind of illusion as to what we had.
Gradually it started getting worse and I realised that I really was not happy. We were just stringing each other along because we had got 'used to' each other, and surely that isn't want love is supposed to be about.
What you must realise is that people change so much in four years, especially when young. Often people change so much during these years that they no longer have any of what brought them together in the first place. That's what happened with me.
Nowadays I know that it takes a lot more to be compatible in the longrun.
I know it must be really difficult for you, but if she no longer felt the same way, then you must realise that you aren't really meant for each other any more. Sure it was great while it lasted, but now that you are older I think you'll be able to make a better decision about who to go out with and it'll prove to be more fruitful.
Reply 17
I think it's all too easy to ignore the other side of the story in this. My own experience was pretty similar but I was the one leaving my bf after 4 years.
I met my bf at school (GCSE time) and we were practically inseparable right till the end of our A levels, but I really don't think I ever knew what I wanted. My bf was pretty much the first BOY I met, let alone my first bf. This kind of distorted my perspective a bit. Because he was my 'first love' I had just settled with whatever I got at the time. Don't get me wrong, what we had was beautiful, and part of the beauty of it was that he really was a 'first love' and it felt really genuine and honest because of this. I never wanted to leave my bf and thought the world of him. Even when we argued, I didn't think that he wasn't right for me for a second. I think I was under some kind of illusion as to what we had.
Gradually it started getting worse and I realised that I really was not happy. We were just stringing each other along because we had got 'used to' each other, and surely that isn't want love is supposed to be about.
What you must realise is that people change so much in four years, especially when young. Often people change so much during these years that they no longer have any of what brought them together in the first place. That's what happened with me.
Nowadays I know that it takes a lot more to be compatible in the longrun.
I know it must be really difficult for you, but if she no longer feels the same way, then you must realise that you aren't really meant for each other any more. Sure it was great while it lasted, but now that you are older I think you'll be able to make a better decision about who to go out with and it'll prove to be more fruitful.
I met my bf at school (GCSE time) and we were practically inseparable right till the end of our A levels, but I really don't think I ever knew what I wanted. My bf was pretty much the first BOY I met, let alone my first bf. This kind of distorted my perspective a bit. Because he was my 'first love' I had just settled with whatever I got at the time. Don't get me wrong, what we had was beautiful, and part of the beauty of it was that he really was a 'first love' and it felt really genuine and honest because of this. I never wanted to leave my bf and thought the world of him. Even when we argued, I didn't think that he wasn't right for me for a second. I think I was under some kind of illusion as to what we had.
Gradually it started getting worse and I realised that I really was not happy. We were just stringing each other along because we had got 'used to' each other, and surely that isn't want love is supposed to be about.
What you must realise is that people change so much in four years, especially when young. Often people change so much during these years that they no longer have any of what brought them together in the first place. That's what happened with me.
Nowadays I know that it takes a lot more to be compatible in the longrun.
I know it must be really difficult for you, but if she no longer feels the same way, then you must realise that you aren't really meant for each other any more. Sure it was great while it lasted, but now that you are older I think you'll be able to make a better decision about who to go out with and it'll prove to be more fruitful.
Reply 18
Yes but there's leaving someone and leaving someone having flirted with another guy for ages then going over to him.
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