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Worried and upset
Okay before I catapult into my problem, I'm sorry if I sound immature, shallow or any other negative quality you can think of but this is something that's really getting to me (and not much does at the moment at all) and I was hoping for some advice or opinion.
Basically, I'm Muslim. And before all you anti-Islam folk decide to spit at the screen I'm not about to start yet another debate or argument etc. The problem is mainly with my parents. Well...mum seen as me and my dad don't speak.
As most of you know, alcohol is forbidden in my religion and I am a firm upholder of that- I've never drunk in my life and never want to. But because of this, my mum forbids me to go to bars/clubs/house parties where alcohol is going to be present. This effectively rules out my social life as all my best friends are non-Muslim.
There's this party coming up- one of my best mate's 19th at his house and obviously I've been invited. It's the only chance I'll get to see all of my mates (who are at uni) in the entire xmas holidays. I'm not going to say it's 'the event of the year' or anything stupid like that but it is something I'll feel insanely upset about not being able to attend seen as all my best mates will be there.
I know Mum will say no for two reasons; the alcohol being present and the fact it's a guy's party (pre-marital relations with guys before marriage are highly disapproved of because of possible physical involvment etc)
There's no way she'll say yes and the only way I can think of being able to be there is if I ask to go to a girl mate's house for the evening then go to the party with her. But that's effectively lying and I promised myself I'd never ever do that to my family again. (after I kind of snuck out to a club and refused to come home- long story)
I hate this- but really it's my fault for having friends I can't always socialise with. I love my religion and of course it's totally my choice. Not going to bars and clubs while living at home is fine if it upsets my mother that much. But a good mate's party? I think I should totally be allowed to go because I personally know I won't drink. My mum knows this but she doesn't want me in that atmosphere and it's a definite no all the way.
What do I do? Lie and say I am going to my friend's house then go to the party or not go at all?
It sounds so stupid but it's really really upsetting me. The idea of not being able to go is something I can't really deal with but I'm equally as scared of lying, getting found out and destroying the relationship between me and my family.
Sorry for ranting about this. Thanks for reading.
Basically, I'm Muslim. And before all you anti-Islam folk decide to spit at the screen I'm not about to start yet another debate or argument etc. The problem is mainly with my parents. Well...mum seen as me and my dad don't speak.
As most of you know, alcohol is forbidden in my religion and I am a firm upholder of that- I've never drunk in my life and never want to. But because of this, my mum forbids me to go to bars/clubs/house parties where alcohol is going to be present. This effectively rules out my social life as all my best friends are non-Muslim.
There's this party coming up- one of my best mate's 19th at his house and obviously I've been invited. It's the only chance I'll get to see all of my mates (who are at uni) in the entire xmas holidays. I'm not going to say it's 'the event of the year' or anything stupid like that but it is something I'll feel insanely upset about not being able to attend seen as all my best mates will be there.
I know Mum will say no for two reasons; the alcohol being present and the fact it's a guy's party (pre-marital relations with guys before marriage are highly disapproved of because of possible physical involvment etc)
There's no way she'll say yes and the only way I can think of being able to be there is if I ask to go to a girl mate's house for the evening then go to the party with her. But that's effectively lying and I promised myself I'd never ever do that to my family again. (after I kind of snuck out to a club and refused to come home- long story)
I hate this- but really it's my fault for having friends I can't always socialise with. I love my religion and of course it's totally my choice. Not going to bars and clubs while living at home is fine if it upsets my mother that much. But a good mate's party? I think I should totally be allowed to go because I personally know I won't drink. My mum knows this but she doesn't want me in that atmosphere and it's a definite no all the way.
What do I do? Lie and say I am going to my friend's house then go to the party or not go at all?
It sounds so stupid but it's really really upsetting me. The idea of not being able to go is something I can't really deal with but I'm equally as scared of lying, getting found out and destroying the relationship between me and my family.
Sorry for ranting about this. Thanks for reading.
Scroll to see replies
Are you at university? Because if you are, you should point out to your mother that when you're away from home, you can do whatever you like and there's nothing she can do to stop you. So stopping you from going to this one party is not going to do any good at all. It won't stop you from doing any of the things she's afraid of, because you can do them during term time, and are more likely to if she restricts you during the holidays, and it will make you feel resentful towards her for stopping you from seeing your friends.
Explain to her that you are an adult now, and that you have chosen to follow your religion, and are not planning to get drunk or do any of the things she is afraid of. But you are old enough now to look after yourself, and you'd like her to recognise that and trust you enough to make your own decisions. She can't baby you forever, and if she tries, she will only make things difficult.
Explain to her that you are an adult now, and that you have chosen to follow your religion, and are not planning to get drunk or do any of the things she is afraid of. But you are old enough now to look after yourself, and you'd like her to recognise that and trust you enough to make your own decisions. She can't baby you forever, and if she tries, she will only make things difficult.
Its not technicly lieing if you say your going to your friends house, since you will be, your just going some where else aswell...
And this isnt your fault! you cant blame youself for being friends with different types of people.
The only way i see is to lie, either that or try to get your mom to give you a social life.
Good luck
In asian familys you cant talk back to your parents, especialy mothers.
If she say something, thats how it is and she will NEVER be wrong.
And this isnt your fault! you cant blame youself for being friends with different types of people.
The only way i see is to lie, either that or try to get your mom to give you a social life.
Good luck
susiemakemeblue
Are you at university? Because if you are, you should point out to your mother that when you're away from home, you can do whatever you like and there's nothing she can do to stop you. So stopping you from going to this one party is not going to do any good at all. It won't stop you from doing any of the things she's afraid of, because you can do them during term time, and are more likely to if she restricts you during the holidays, and it will make you feel resentful towards her for stopping you from seeing your friends.
Explain to her that you are an adult now, and that you have chosen to follow your religion, and are not planning to get drunk or do any of the things she is afraid of. But you are old enough now to look after yourself, and you'd like her to recognise that and trust you enough to make your own decisions. She can't baby you forever, and if she tries, she will only make things difficult.
Explain to her that you are an adult now, and that you have chosen to follow your religion, and are not planning to get drunk or do any of the things she is afraid of. But you are old enough now to look after yourself, and you'd like her to recognise that and trust you enough to make your own decisions. She can't baby you forever, and if she tries, she will only make things difficult.
In asian familys you cant talk back to your parents, especialy mothers.
If she say something, thats how it is and she will NEVER be wrong.
I always used to lie to my mother about where I was going if I knew she wouldn't let me go.99.99999999% of teenagers do it!
BhArJ
Its not technicly lieing if you say your going to your friends house, since you will be, your just going some where else aswell...
And this isnt your fault! you cant blame youself for being friends with different types of people.
The only way i see is to lie, either that or try to get your mom to give you a social life.
Good luck
In asian familys you cant talk back to your parents, especialy mothers.
If she say something, thats how it is and she will NEVER be wrong.
And this isnt your fault! you cant blame youself for being friends with different types of people.
The only way i see is to lie, either that or try to get your mom to give you a social life.
Good luck
In asian familys you cant talk back to your parents, especialy mothers.
If she say something, thats how it is and she will NEVER be wrong.
Wow, Asian upbringings must be soooo effective if parents force their children to lie to them about what they are doing and where they are going, as opposed to talking to them calmly like mature adults....
Sadly I'm in my last year of college so still at home...
And BharJ- I know exactly what you mean but I think it's Muslim families you're referring to as Asian can be any religion.
It's just the worst situation.
I want to be a good Muslim and I should only have to prove that to myself and God. nobody else.
But at the same time I want to be ME and to be a Muslim with different friends and to be able to go places etc. I am 18 and really I should be allowed to make my own decisions. But there's really nothing I can do when it comes at the expense of mine and my family's relationship.
And BharJ- I know exactly what you mean but I think it's Muslim families you're referring to as Asian can be any religion.
It's just the worst situation.
I want to be a good Muslim and I should only have to prove that to myself and God. nobody else.
But at the same time I want to be ME and to be a Muslim with different friends and to be able to go places etc. I am 18 and really I should be allowed to make my own decisions. But there's really nothing I can do when it comes at the expense of mine and my family's relationship.
susiemakemeblue
Wow, Asian upbringings must be soooo effective if parents force their children to lie to them about what they are doing and where they are going, as opposed to talking to them calmly like mature adults....
Yep, all this corruption from the west
DAM U EVIL CAPATALIST PIGS CORRUPTING US!
p.s. thats a joke, dont flame me
Anonymous
Sadly I'm in my last year of college so still at home...
And BharJ- I know exactly what you mean but I think it's Muslim families you're referring to as Asian can be any religion.
It's just the worst situation.
I want to be a good Muslim and I should only have to prove that to myself and God. nobody else.
But at the same time I want to be ME and to be a Muslim with different friends and to be able to go places etc. I am 18 and really I should be allowed to make my own decisions. But there's really nothing I can do when it comes at the expense of mine and my family's relationship.
And BharJ- I know exactly what you mean but I think it's Muslim families you're referring to as Asian can be any religion.
It's just the worst situation.
I want to be a good Muslim and I should only have to prove that to myself and God. nobody else.
But at the same time I want to be ME and to be a Muslim with different friends and to be able to go places etc. I am 18 and really I should be allowed to make my own decisions. But there's really nothing I can do when it comes at the expense of mine and my family's relationship.
I say asian because it happens in Sikh and Hindu familys to a extent. The only real thing i can see is lie (which alot of people do) to their parents, which is wrong. but i really dont recoomend this because it is basicly commiting suicide if they find out, and they will some how (they always do).
Or you could just wait till you go to uni.
sorry and good luck 
I have lied to my parents before, and it turned out really bad. We're not the same anymore. Make sure you think really carefully about this. Do you want to ruin your relationship wth your parents just to spend one night out at a party? If it's that important to you, then I guess you could get away with it.. on the other hand, you can listen to you parents and stay at home, and not jepordise your relationship with them, and hopefully your friends will understanad your situation with your parents.
So are you going to be going uni? Why not wait until then until you go out with your friends to parties, because then you won't be so much under your parents' control.
Good luck!
Good luck!
lie to them because you will still be a faithful Muslim by not having a physical relationship with the guy and not drinking. Or explain you feel strongly about your religion that you feel they are being unfair to you as an adult. Perhaps lying to parents offends some muslim principle, if not, you could just go.
I still think talking to your mother would be the best option. You don't sound like a rebel to me. Just explain to her that you want to go so you can see your friends while they are home, not so you can have a drunken orgy with ten white guys.
The thing is- I am okay about not going out at all. I used sneak out to clubs and stuff when my friends would go but I'm over that now.
But this is something I really feel I should be able to go to. It's ****ing unfair that I can't be at my best mate's birthday especially when he's expecting me to come.
It's worse because he is celebrating with everyone at our favourite club the night before and obviously I can't go- I accepted that but now he's holding this little gathering the day after in hope that I can come.
But this is something I really feel I should be able to go to. It's ****ing unfair that I can't be at my best mate's birthday especially when he's expecting me to come.
It's worse because he is celebrating with everyone at our favourite club the night before and obviously I can't go- I accepted that but now he's holding this little gathering the day after in hope that I can come.
yeah, I agree with e3s3p3e3 (or something like that!) - don't lie coz even doing it once can screw up your relationship (however insignificant they may seem now, I'm sure you'll come to value them soon enough). But then again, staying in sounds kinda lame so just tell her that you're going and tell her that as a mother she can show her trust in her daughter by allowing her to go this once - this could help on future occasions maybe? godknows, I live in an asian family and parental relations suck to the least - i'm waiting for uni for my escape!!! (lol)
Oh, and susiemakemeblue: screw u! in the end it can be better in many, many ways.
Oh, and susiemakemeblue: screw u! in the end it can be better in many, many ways.
It's just the fact that it's a guy's houseparty that is the no-no.
If it was a girl's party in a rented hall or something, that may be okay but it's the whole situation.
It's not that I want to even slightly rebel or do anything to upset my parents but I just want to see my damn friends when I can you know? It's crap that it has to be a houseparty but there's nothing else I can do.
I really can't deal with not going, it's too unfair and harsh. Stupid I know but it feels horrible.
If it was a girl's party in a rented hall or something, that may be okay but it's the whole situation.
It's not that I want to even slightly rebel or do anything to upset my parents but I just want to see my damn friends when I can you know? It's crap that it has to be a houseparty but there's nothing else I can do.
I really can't deal with not going, it's too unfair and harsh. Stupid I know but it feels horrible.
biggie-n
yeah, I agree with e3s3p3e3 (or something like that!) - don't lie coz even doing it once can screw up your relationship (however insignificant they may seem now, I'm sure you'll come to value them soon enough). But then again, staying in sounds kinda lame so just tell her that you're going and tell her that as a mother she can show her trust in her daughter by allowing her to go this once - this could help on future occasions maybe? godknows, I live in an asian family and parental relations suck to the least - i'm waiting for uni for my escape!!! (lol)
Oh, and susiemakemeblue: screw u! in the end it can be better in many, many ways.
Oh, and susiemakemeblue: screw u! in the end it can be better in many, many ways.
Like I'm going to take any notice of someone who is rude for no reason at all! That was completely unnecessary and hardly enhances your argument.
I simply fail to see how an upbringing which encourages you to lie to your parents (or else have no social life) is preferable to one where your parents treat you like an adult and trust you to be careful and sensible. My parents have never really tried to restrict or control me. As a result, I have never done anything to make them lose their trust in me. They have never forbidden alcohol, therefore I only drink in moderation. They've never been uptight about sex, and I don't sleep around or take risks.
Treat someone like an adult, and they'll behave like an adult. Treat them like a three year old, and they'll behave like a three year old.
It's just the fact that it's a guy's houseparty that is the no-no.
If it was a girl's party in a rented hall or something, that may be okay but it's the whole situation.
It's not that I want to even slightly rebel or do anything to upset my parents but I just want to see my damn friends when I can you know? It's crap that it has to be a houseparty but there's nothing else I can do.
I really can't deal with not going, it's too unfair and harsh. Stupid I know but it feels horrible.
If it was a girl's party in a rented hall or something, that may be okay but it's the whole situation.
It's not that I want to even slightly rebel or do anything to upset my parents but I just want to see my damn friends when I can you know? It's crap that it has to be a houseparty but there's nothing else I can do.
I really can't deal with not going, it's too unfair and harsh. Stupid I know but it feels horrible.
Is it you she doesn't trust, or the guys?
The guys.
And I understand what you mean about being treated like an adult etc. but it's more an issue of religion than age.
She just doesn't want me to be surrounded by an atmosphere which breaches so much of Islam. She not only doesn't see the need but me wanting to go is like a threat to her of me wanting to go against my religion. She is very stubborn- it's not like she's not understanding because she grew up in Glasgow so isn't exactly limited in experience.
It's also worse that I am the youngest of four and the other 3 were never allowed to do anything like this and never actually did (before uni anyway)
She thinks I'll turn out bad as a result of wanting to go. And there's no changing a mind like that.
And I understand what you mean about being treated like an adult etc. but it's more an issue of religion than age.
She just doesn't want me to be surrounded by an atmosphere which breaches so much of Islam. She not only doesn't see the need but me wanting to go is like a threat to her of me wanting to go against my religion. She is very stubborn- it's not like she's not understanding because she grew up in Glasgow so isn't exactly limited in experience.
It's also worse that I am the youngest of four and the other 3 were never allowed to do anything like this and never actually did (before uni anyway)
She thinks I'll turn out bad as a result of wanting to go. And there's no changing a mind like that.
I think you should ask her to give you a little bit more credit. Surely you are intelligent and mature enough not to be swayed by what other people choose to do? If she doesn't believe that, then she thinks very little of her own daughter and should be ashamed of herself. You don't want to go so that you can get drunk and do drugs and sleep with loads of guys. You just want to socialise. Also, this might be slightly controversial, but if she wants to limit your contact with white people, why are you living in England?
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