The Student Room Group

Being an awful boyfriend...

Right, for the last 7 months have been going out with a girl which I met on another student forum... we had 4 amazing months together, basically only seeing each other once a week when we met up/I went and drove down to her house.. we live about 100 miles apart but are at the same university.

However, we are in the same halls at uni and basically are within a minute of each other. Since being at uni I went through a very weird patch of just wanting to see her ALL the time, I don't know why, i never felt like this at home, but I just felt just because I could go and see that i HAD to... this got alot worse, if i'd come back from a night out and see her light on I'd always have to go up and see her...

Things have got awful, she has two main-best friends, both are lads and she is very close with them... I have developed an awful jealousy, stemming from a night when lad#1 went to her room at 1am and stayed in her room till 5:30am. I dont know why, i really didnt like it and i know ive been very stupid, I got very upset when she told me (yeah, at least she told me!) but from this time on, in my head my mind has been making things up and making me see things.... she never introduced me to either of the lads, and did it basically when i saw them all out and went and did it myself. I felt she felt embarrased by me... i cant see why. I introduced her to my friends .. male and female, and things were fine.

One night, she txt me saying she was coming over to my room... this was at 9:30 at evening... waiting for 2 hours, but no sign..so i tried phoning her/texting her but no answer... she was at lad#2's room so decided to go make sure she was there and ok.. anyways, my mate in the same block as me told me which room he was in, so went and knocked on the door, they told me to come in, when i did she was lying in his bed with him on it too (but not in the covers)... this made me upset again and angry...

another main point being, she always used to check my txts as a girl who she thought fancied me had been txting me and she wanting to check nothing was going on... i found it fine, i liked it. she used to let me look at her texts... as soon as we got to uni, and she got in with other lads, she stopped letting me read her texts which made me suspicious.

my main problem is ive lost her trust as shes lyed to me on numerous occasions (one being she said she'd gone to a nearby city with her bro in his car... when actually she left the used train tickets in my room)... so i m guessing she went with someone else...

im very emotional, and ive seem to put her upon a pedestal in my life... this led me to breakdown before christmas, she was in my room i accused her of stuff she would never do, and got very angry and shouted alot and got aggressive (hitting wall et al). i know im probably the usual paranoid/jealous ********. but i want to change, but i just dont know how i can trust her, every moment im thinking about her and my mind will start thinking about 'bad' things... this'll lead to me getting a rush of adrenaline and usually accusing her or her male friends of doing stuff...

i dont want it to be like this, i love her to bits, and she loves me too (i k now she does as most girls would have left ages ago...)...

I really want someone on here to try and suggest some things for me...

sorry for rambling!

Rw

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Reply 1
Have you tryed talking to her about all of this?

And dont worry, i was the exact same with my gf :rolleyes:
Reply 2
Yeah, it usually turns out worse as we end up arguing. shes very hard to talk to.. goes silent and mardy. i know it sounds pathetic but have been getting v depressed and d own about it all.
Reply 3
If my gf hung out with some other guy from 1-530 in the morning, Id be a little angry too.
Reply 4
Anonymous
Yeah, it usually turns out worse as we end up arguing. shes very hard to talk to.. goes silent and mardy. i know it sounds pathetic but have been getting v depressed and d own about it all.


The only way to make the relationship work is to get her to talk to you and open up. If she dosent its just going to keep falling apart.

And its not pathetic! i understand how a girl can be the most important thing in your life. But you do need to understand some girls dont think that way about guys.

Most girls i have come across have always put their friends first, then family, then the bf (i know not all girls are like this, im just saying some are). She might feel alittle overwhelmed by you.

I think you should just back off for awhile. I mean still see her and stuff, but not as much as you do now, spend time with your friends, spend more time on your hobby or something.

Kondar
If my gf hung out with some other guy from 1-530 in the morning, Id be a little angry too.


same :rolleyes:
Reply 5
Kondar
If my gf hung out with some other guy from 1-530 in the morning, Id be a little angry too.


Likewise.
Reply 6
Yeah, we are on a break at the moment. I j ust need to find something to put my time into, as im not really doing much at the moment and gives time for my mind to things about stupid things.
Reply 7
Anonymous
Yeah, we are on a break at the moment. I j ust need to find something to put my time into, as im not really doing much at the moment and gives time for my mind to things about stupid things.


Holidays suck for that, far far to much spear time.......
communication, communication.....the single most important thing in any relationship. if the both of you are unable to have a heart to heart talk without getting too emotional, get a responsible, mature, third party to mediate it. you know, a bit like marriage counselling. it looks like both of you need to make some changes as both of you are "at fault"

you are jealous that she spends a lot of time with them even though you want to spend a lot of time with her, and also maybe a bit uneasy about her being so close to them.

she is trying to avoid annoying you or upsetting you so she is lying. you find out shes lying and you lose trust. because you lose trust the being close part seems more and more suspicious to you..................its a vicious circle!!!
Reply 9
afhstingray
communication, communication.....the single most important thing in any relationship. if the both of you are unable to have a heart to heart talk without getting too emotional, get a responsible, mature, third party to mediate it. you know, a bit like marriage counselling. it looks like both of you need to make some changes as both of you are "at fault"

you are jealous that she spends a lot of time with them even though you want to spend a lot of time with her, and also maybe a bit uneasy about her being so close to them.

she is trying to avoid annoying you or upsetting you so she is lying. you find out shes lying and you lose trust. because you lose trust the being close part seems more and more suspicious to you..................its a vicious circle!!!


you really hit it on the head in the last bit... but yeah think we'll try minimal contact at uni... jus like once a week, and build up a better relationship. thanks for all the views/advice
:| wouldnt minimal contact cause a further breakdown in communication??
Reply 11
afhstingray
:| wouldnt minimal contact cause a further breakdown in communication??


Well, Yeah, but we've been talking lots (mainly on Msn)... things are on the mend, but I just need to let things out... I htink it was the change of once a week to seeing each other ALL the time :s-smilie: mainly my fault.. think i used her as getaway for missinghome et al...
Reply 12
Kondar
If my gf hung out with some other guy from 1-530 in the morning, Id be a little angry too.


Yeah but she's allowed male friends ya know...
Reply 13
why don't you pelt stones at her and lock her in her room?
i tend to be very very liberal in my relationships, if she wants to cheat on me, go ahead. at least i know all the earlier that you're certainly not the kind of person i want to consider a long term relationship with.
also the fact that my closest friend is a girl, and we have a webcam conversation going almost 24/7, in fact i probably speak to her 10x more often than her boyfriend does. but we're strictly close friends. just because she's a girl it dosent mean there has to be a sexual or romantic aspect to it. at first her boyfriend was a little suspicious but when i got to know him he was ok with it. even though i still feel a bit big-brother-ish towards her and dont really like him that much lolz....you know....always want the best.
Reply 15
Yeah, i always think if shes going to cheat she will, and theres no point getting hung up on something that may never happen. I just think about things way too much and gets me upset.
Reply 16
I'm not surprised that your relationship is entering difficulties - I'm not saying that what you are doing is wrong, but it is the typical sort of attitude that will drive girls away - putting them on a pedestal, being jealous, "needing" to be with them. It is natural to feel this way, I was just the same, but she will want to be further and further away from you if you continue this way. You need to make sure you talk and know how both parties feel, and make sure that she isn't controlling your life and your feelings. Try not to hassle her too much, in fact, if you are slightly elusive yourself, she will want to come after you, since whoever is elusive and is being pursued is in control of the situation, intentionally or not. She will want to see you are secure in yourself and have your own life that you can live on your own, a partner like that will always be more attractive.
some girls actually like it you know.....but i think from the way he described her she's not that type
Reply 18
I dont think you should call yourself an awful boyfriend, you do need to control yourself, but it's kinda normal to get frustrated if you know someone you love is lying to you.
She probably isnt cheating on you, but I dont think is right she spends the whole night with someone else, I'd be livid if my bf did that and he wouldnt be too happy if I did it. Just let her know that it upsets you, then she can reassure you that you have nothing to worry about and hopefully it'll all end well.

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afhstingray
i tend to be very very liberal in my relationships, if she wants to cheat on me, go ahead. at least i know all the earlier that you're certainly not the kind of person i want to consider a long term relationship with.
also the fact that my closest friend is a girl, and we have a webcam conversation going almost 24/7, in fact i probably speak to her 10x more often than her boyfriend does. but we're strictly close friends. just because she's a girl it dosent mean there has to be a sexual or romantic aspect to it. at first her boyfriend was a little suspicious but when i got to know him he was ok with it. even though i still feel a bit big-brother-ish towards her and dont really like him that much lolz....you know....always want the best.


Maybe I'm just a ridiculously jealous and possesive person, :eek: ( scary thought), but I would hate it if my bf was like that. If he's gonna share everything with someone else, particularly as it's bound to be about his and her relationships with other people ( even more scary if he did that), then he might as well go out with her. :rolleyes:
PaperMoon

Maybe I'm just a ridiculously jealous and possesive person, :eek: ( scary thought), but I would hate it if my bf was like that. If he's gonna share everything with someone else, particularly as it's bound to be about his and her relationships with other people ( even more scary if he did that), then he might as well go out with her. :rolleyes:




no need for the eek smiley, definitly ridiculously jealous and possesive!

I can't chat to my bloke mates about relationship stuff (only meerly occaisionaly but we can't chat to each other about it) which is why its good being close friends with girls.

The other bonus about having girls as friends, is that you can go out with them and not have to worry about whomever they're with trying it on with you. Like you have to worry about with bloke mates girlsfriends.