As many of you know i'm bisexual..overwhelmingly preffering the same sex. I feel like i have to try and justify this characteristic to people, define what it means and prove it is not an immoral way of life. It's not like its a deliberate decision. Since i could remember i knew, even at 6 i recall thinking "he is cute" and having my first real crush at 8. My family always used to taunt and bully me, calling me a "faggot" [this is when i was 8], i was not the convientional boy..i hated sport, there wasnt anything particularly masculine about me. The thing is, as i look back, now, i can begin to understand how my mother's nuturing contributed in developing me into who i am today. It was almost asif i was the little girl she had dreamed of, obviously not in physical appearance, but in her perception of me. We would pick flowers, she would lend me her heels, all sorts of cliched camp acts whilst i was between 5 - 9 years of age. Following these years, there was more of an awarness of the phase having to stop as i grew older. It wasnt simply innocent child's play.. i resisted being in other boys company and let me creativity guide me rather than participate in sports and the other nonesense the boys would organise. Subconsciously, i have always been attracted to men to a greater extent than women. I have to force the attraction to women, it feels unnatural, its a very constructed process whenever i think "she is attractive". The thing is being homosexual i so taboo. Particularly with my culture. It makes me question myself. I comprimise my religious faith because i am gay and get into gay relationships. I always doubt and question myself, asking "will this lifestyle deny me entrance into heaven.. is it right"? and so on, but how can something that feels so natural ironically regarded as "wrong" and "vile". Moreover, my family are repulsed by the idea. My mother knows. It couldnt be more obvious, its just a matter of her fully acknowleging the fact. About 80% of my household, including my year old brother are aware of my sexuality; it has become almost impossible to "hide", at school and at home. I'm ready to face homophobia, it almost motivates me defy adversity and continue being myself.
But anyway, love is hard to find in the gay subculture. It's very much centred around sex, which i hate a great deal. When you do find someone, commitment is very difficult, and you face a whole range of hurdles with people opposing your relationship and criticising you for making the choice to be with another man.
All i wish is that people understood that being gay is not a choice. You are homosexual or heterosexual at birth, believe me. The sooner society becomes more tolerant of gay relationships and the lifestyle becomes more mainstream, the better my chances will be of stumbling across a genuine relationship with the slightest trace of longevity being a possibility.