The Student Room Group

Society barley tolerates me, my religion condems me, my family=ashamed,no love!

As many of you know i'm bisexual..overwhelmingly preffering the same sex. I feel like i have to try and justify this characteristic to people, define what it means and prove it is not an immoral way of life. It's not like its a deliberate decision. Since i could remember i knew, even at 6 i recall thinking "he is cute" and having my first real crush at 8. My family always used to taunt and bully me, calling me a "faggot" [this is when i was 8], i was not the convientional boy..i hated sport, there wasnt anything particularly masculine about me. The thing is, as i look back, now, i can begin to understand how my mother's nuturing contributed in developing me into who i am today. It was almost asif i was the little girl she had dreamed of, obviously not in physical appearance, but in her perception of me. We would pick flowers, she would lend me her heels, all sorts of cliched camp acts whilst i was between 5 - 9 years of age. Following these years, there was more of an awarness of the phase having to stop as i grew older. It wasnt simply innocent child's play.. i resisted being in other boys company and let me creativity guide me rather than participate in sports and the other nonesense the boys would organise. Subconsciously, i have always been attracted to men to a greater extent than women. I have to force the attraction to women, it feels unnatural, its a very constructed process whenever i think "she is attractive". The thing is being homosexual i so taboo. Particularly with my culture. It makes me question myself. I comprimise my religious faith because i am gay and get into gay relationships. I always doubt and question myself, asking "will this lifestyle deny me entrance into heaven.. is it right"? and so on, but how can something that feels so natural ironically regarded as "wrong" and "vile". Moreover, my family are repulsed by the idea. My mother knows. It couldnt be more obvious, its just a matter of her fully acknowleging the fact. About 80% of my household, including my year old brother are aware of my sexuality; it has become almost impossible to "hide", at school and at home. I'm ready to face homophobia, it almost motivates me defy adversity and continue being myself.

But anyway, love is hard to find in the gay subculture. It's very much centred around sex, which i hate a great deal. When you do find someone, commitment is very difficult, and you face a whole range of hurdles with people opposing your relationship and criticising you for making the choice to be with another man.

All i wish is that people understood that being gay is not a choice. You are homosexual or heterosexual at birth, believe me. The sooner society becomes more tolerant of gay relationships and the lifestyle becomes more mainstream, the better my chances will be of stumbling across a genuine relationship with the slightest trace of longevity being a possibility.
LucidExtra
i was not the convientional boy.......i was the little girl she had dreamed of
Who are you really?
Reply 2
What do you mean by the comment? i dont know how to respond. I am male.. and trust me mate im not facing gender dysphoria or uncertainity here.. that was just her impression of me.. she nutured me asif i was her only daughter, even once dressing me as a girl for a lotion advert. I dont blame her for who i am because i dont need to make accusations. My sexual orientation should not be a burden or subject of shame in my life.
I meant one minute you refer to yourself as a boy, the next as a girl. Ah I've just spotted what you meant, my mistake. Personally I don't have a problem with gays, I'm the only bloke in my house and one of my house mates does drama which is a considerably gay heavy subject so am surrounded by lots of blokes who bat for the other team. If anything they are more of a laugh to go out with because they ask me stuff which seems weird, but I know that they really want to know...if you know what I mean. they also take the banter much better (all in good humour of course).
Reply 4
I suddenly feel really depressed after reading that. It sounds like you've had it pretty rough. I don't know what more I can say to be honest, I mean you haven't asked any questions. All I will say is you mustn't feel like you should 'blame' anyone, I know you've said that yourself, but I still get the impression that deep down you do blame someone. As for coming out, I think you probably are ready to be yourself. Your mum obviously loves you and even though other people in your family haven't been so nice in the past, from what you've said, I think it sounds like your mum will understand, especially as she seems to already know. Maybe your relationship with your mum will be made stronger by officially 'coming out' to her. It will be like admitting something you both seem to have known forever. All I can say really is good luck mate, be happy.
Reply 5
Oh dear. My male cousin sounds very similar to you. His mother--who passed away from cancer numerous years ago--used to buy him girls' clothes. What's odd is that he had an older brother and sister, so there was no obvious desire for my aunt to want another daughter. He has had issues all of his life, including barely finishing high school, not having a job at age 32, and depression. He was put in a mental asylum for some time. And to add to this, his brother is probably bisexual. Edit: This cousin also got beaten by his homosexual boyfriends and was sent to the hospital many times.

Despite all of this, his family is still there for him, despite a certain degree of shame. My gut feeling is that your family probably would be there for you despite this "shame."

In regards to religion, it's utter bs. It really is. I'll be presumptuous and assume you are referring to Christianity. I have studied Catholicism for a number of years and it's one of the most hilarious things ever. Just drop religion or convert to something that does accept you.

Now, to me. I think that I am either asexual or bisexual. This does sound odd, but it's true. I want an emotional relationship with a male, but I find females' bodies more attractive. My parents have no idea about anything regarding this, and I am in a long-term relationship with a guy I dearly love. However, I have no sexual desire for him. Talk about sh*t and confusion. I try not to think about it because it leads nowhere.

At least you have sexual desire. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just a dead piece of paper with no hormones whatsoever. Honestly, you will find love in the homosexual world. There are no worries there because there are a ton of gay people, many who desire emotional relationships. Yep, it may be because I live in California so there are a lot, but it's true.
LucidExtra
But anyway, love is hard to find in the gay subculture. It's very much centred around sex, which i hate a great deal.


Sad.
Many of my gay friends say the same thing.
Also there seems to be this big thing about the body and the image.

I wonder what happens when they get old and reach 30 or 40....
Reply 7
What kind of gay subculture or where rather are you referring to?
Well, off on a limb, but move to California...it might be easier to date considering a high % are homosexual.
Reply 8
Be who you want to be, let nobody tell you otherwise. Its ur life, and it is you and only you dat can live it to the fullest!
Reply 9
TomInPortsmouth
Personally I don't have a problem with poofs, I'm the only bloke in my house and one of my house mates does drama which is a considerably gay heavy subject so am surrounded by lots of blokes who bat for the other team. If anything they are more of a laugh to go out with because they ask me stuff which seems weird, but I know that they really want to know...if you know what I mean. they also take the banter much better hence why I call them poofs and they call me a rug muncher (all in good humour of course).


Okay maybe your friends don't mind been called "poofs" and it's all in good humour, etc. But you should take into account that other gay/bisexual men may take offence to this... :hmmmm:
Reply 10
You refer to 'your culture' - where are you from?
Katia
Okay maybe your friends don't mind been called "poofs" and it's all in good humour, etc. But you should take into account that other gay/bisexual men may take offence to this... :hmmmm:
Fair point. No offence intended :biggrin:
online dating for gays? YOu'd meet people there, people willing to have a relationship?
Reply 13
TomInPortsmouth
Fair point. No offence intended :biggrin:


Okay...I just thought I should point it out...:biggrin:

--------------

Wild thing : "Sigs are gay =/"

Hmm..
LucidExtra
As many of you know i'm bisexual..overwhelmingly preffering the same sex. I feel like i have to try and justify this characteristic to people, define what it means and prove it is not an immoral way of life. It's not like its a deliberate decision. Since i could remember i knew, even at 6 i recall thinking "he is cute" and having my first real crush at 8. My family always used to taunt and bully me, calling me a "faggot" [this is when i was 8], i was not the convientional boy..i hated sport, there wasnt anything particularly masculine about me. The thing is, as i look back, now, i can begin to understand how my mother's nuturing contributed in developing me into who i am today. It was almost asif i was the little girl she had dreamed of, obviously not in physical appearance, but in her perception of me. We would pick flowers, she would lend me her heels, all sorts of cliched camp acts whilst i was between 5 - 9 years of age. Following these years, there was more of an awarness of the phase having to stop as i grew older. It wasnt simply innocent child's play.. i resisted being in other boys company and let me creativity guide me rather than participate in sports and the other nonesense the boys would organise. Subconsciously, i have always been attracted to men to a greater extent than women. I have to force the attraction to women, it feels unnatural, its a very constructed process whenever i think "she is attractive". The thing is being homosexual i so taboo. Particularly with my culture. It makes me question myself. I comprimise my religious faith because i am gay and get into gay relationships. I always doubt and question myself, asking "will this lifestyle deny me entrance into heaven.. is it right"? and so on, but how can something that feels so natural ironically regarded as "wrong" and "vile". Moreover, my family are repulsed by the idea. My mother knows. It couldnt be more obvious, its just a matter of her fully acknowleging the fact. About 80% of my household, including my year old brother are aware of my sexuality; it has become almost impossible to "hide", at school and at home. I'm ready to face homophobia, it almost motivates me defy adversity and continue being myself.

But anyway, love is hard to find in the gay subculture. It's very much centred around sex, which i hate a great deal. When you do find someone, commitment is very difficult, and you face a whole range of hurdles with people opposing your relationship and criticising you for making the choice to be with another man.

All i wish is that people understood that being gay is not a choice. You are homosexual or heterosexual at birth, believe me. The sooner society becomes more tolerant of gay relationships and the lifestyle becomes more mainstream, the better my chances will be of stumbling across a genuine relationship with the slightest trace of longevity being a possibility.


To be able to truly fit into society, you'll always loose a part of yourself, the more different you are, the more true this is. But if not fitting in, life is difficult. You can either pretend to be something you're not or accept that your life is going to be harder than the average and try not to let that make you sad. :smile: But if it helps, you're not alone.
Reply 15
you should be condemned!!! it's against Islam!
Reply 16
LucidExtra
What do you mean by the comment? i dont know how to respond. I am male.. and trust me mate im not facing gender dysphoria or uncertainity here.. that was just her impression of me.. she nutured me asif i was her only daughter, even once dressing me as a girl for a lotion advert. I dont blame her for who i am because i dont need to make accusations. My sexual orientation should not be a burden or subject of shame in my life.


It's only a burden or a shame if you let it be.

"You sh@g guys? That's okay if you sh@g guys. I got friends that sh@g guys...in prison."

XD

NB one word was changed to protect the...'innocent' :wink:
Reply 17
Are you a softy or a masculine gay? I have a feeling that you are the former.
Reply 18
I relate to you quite a lot - I behave similarly to you and I grew up with two women, although my sexual orientation is slightly bisexual, but mainly heterosexual (which is difficult to understand for most people because femininity is a stronger part of my personality than most males, but it doesn't make gay). If you are happy in yourself with your gay identity, then that confidence will be all you really essentially need, even if you are under the "gay" stigma. Many people may view you as "different" but will accept you just as a gay person, with a minority who may not tolerate it - if this includes your family you should support yourself with a strength of identity and highlight the relative lack of importance of sexual orientation - family is family, but if people reject you because of your sexual orientation, then they aren't worth your time. I have a gay male friend who has a boyfriend and it doesn't even enter my mind nowadays - it seems idealistic and everyone has certain underlying prejudices, but it's not as if you have to shout it from the rooftops - if you have friendships with others, then sexual orientation should not really be relevant if you're with at least somewhat open-minded people, personally if somebody was openly gay (like there is at my college) I would very much admire them for their bravery. In fact many girls prefer gay men because they are able to have more open relationships with them without fear of "sex hungry heterosexuals".
However I would disagree that you are "born gay", it will never feel like a decision. Some may be born with characteristics that may induce behaviour that tends towards homosexuality, but nurture can scientifically alter it one way or another. The most common way is that a strong masculine identity (normally the father) is not present or is not related to, and the male partner that a homosexual seeks is one that can fulfil the closeness with a male identity. This is just one example of how nurture can contribute to homosexuality. However, from your religious perspective...I can only say that certain reforms now are starting to tolerate homosexuality, although I don't know much on that front...
Don't change who you are - your own identity is the most important thing, and from that can come love, and there will be at least one person who will accept you.
Eien
The most common way is that a strong masculine identity (normally the father) is not present or is not related to, and the male partner that a homosexual seeks is one that can fulfil the closeness with a male identity.
Wow.. what a load of hogwash. No offense, but that's really quite ridiculous.

It may have some effect on how femine or masculine you are. The OP mentioning his mother basically instilling camp traits in him etc.
I have a friend of homosexual orientation. He's a big aggressive lump of testosterone. A masculine, sporty, gruff chap that drinks, burps fights etc.. His men of choice are not feminine either. I mean his current bf is a hairy heavy-metal type who wears trenchcoats and big boots.

It's experiences like this and the literature I've read that leads me to believe that sexuality is a whole lot more inherent than childhood experiences. It's instinctual. Think about it, when a three year old boy wants to marry his GI-Joe doll?

Now I'm not saying it's genetic (I think it probably is, and there is some hereditory evidence to suggest it), but it's definitely pre-natal. A whole load of hormonal changes that shape you as either a man or a woman etc happen in there. You start of as neutral sex then your brain and body are rewired..

Eien
However, from your religious perspective...I can only say that certain reforms now are starting to tolerate homosexuality, although I don't know much on that front...
The catholic church has been very anti-progress of recent since "nazinger" came to power. As an organisation it is an utter shambles. The right-wing bigots make up rules to keep themselves in power, promoting cardinals who share their beliefs. The recent banning of homosexual priests!? Even though they are celebate? A disgrace of high order..