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So hurt and confused...please help (this is a very long story)
Hi everyone,
I really don't know who else to talk to, I am hoping someone here can make me feel better and give me some good advice.
I am not the sort of girl to get involved in 'serious' relationships, since one ended when I was 17 in a very bad way I tend to keep my cards close to my chest, and I haven't fallen for anyone since. Until now.
I am at Uni and I work in a shop there every weekend. A new girl started at my work about 6 months ago and everything was great - we got on well and would chat about everything.
One day, her brother came in to see her. It was love at first sight for me, and I used to tease her by saying how gorgeous he was and how I was going to sleep with him.
At the time it was a joke, as he had a girlfriend. He would still come in and have a chat, as he worked across the road.
I would hear every weekend from her about how things had turned sour between him and his girlfriend, and I would listen and give advice to her to pass on to him (although not obviously from me, she would pretend it was her opinion!)
Eventually, about three months or so ago, she left him (they had a house together). I was sad for him as I would hear about how he wasnt coping very well financially or emotionally, and then eventually it stopped. She said he was fine and over it and when he came in he would look at me through the glass and I wished he would get my number from her and get in contact.
One day, I was out with some friends from work in the pub and I let it slip that I liked him. I left the pub and thought nothing of it until a friend from work called me and told me that he had turned up. He passed the phone to him and that was our first conversation. I was a bit cheeky and told him to come out for a drink and he said he couldn't come that night but he would like to take me out.
This was the start of the biggest head***** of my life.
So, a week of texting followed, and we arranged to meet up that weekend. But I bumped into him on the Thursday anyway, and we ended up at a house party at his house.
Having had far too much to drink, I couldn't drive home. We ended up in bed together and it was amazing. I don't normally do things like that, but we were getting on so well, and as they say the rest is history.
So the Saturday rolled around, and I thought that by sleeping together so early I had messed things up, but he got in touch and we ended up having a lovely night in with a movie and a chinese. I just could not believe that I had met this wonderful person that understood me so well. I kept it quiet though, I didn't want him to think I was clingy or anything.
I went home for Christmas on the Sunday. He called me that night. We spoke to ages on the phone and I knew that I wanted to hold onto him, he was so special and caring and just generally a great man. A few days followed, he would call me whenever he got a break from work and say that he missed me.
He would also say that he could not believe his luck, how did he ever pull a girl like me, he was never going to mess things up, and constantly would tell me that I was gorgeous. I didn't even give his ex girlfriend a second thought, she did not come into the equation.
After about 2 days apart, he called and was really down that he wasn't going to see me until Boxing Day. I was bored at home so after much deliberation I decided to surprise him and went back to Leicester.
He couldn't have been more happy to see me. A week followed of us spending a lot of time together, going out for meals and generally just being happy. I was over the moon that I had met this guy. He even gave me a key for his house so I could go back and study in the peace and quiet while he was at work!
He took me for dinner at his parents (which I thought was a big step) and everything was great. I have honestly never felt so secure or loved up with anyone. Even his sister seemed pleased for us, and his Mum said she had never seen him so happy.
Please don't think that I was rushing into things because I genuinely wasn't. He was the one that was full of compliments and telling me how he felt the whole time, and although I was feeling it too, I held back a bit. He said he was falling in love with me, I said I wasn't sure but I thought I was too.
I had to come home to get some things for Uni. We spent another 2 days apart, with the same kind of phone calls and texts then I returned to Leicester for work on the friday. He had the day off on Saturday and so his friend came over and they started drinking. I went to bed as I had an early start the next day. This wasn't a problem, I fell asleep but I kept getting woken up by his phone beeping.
So, I looked at his phone. There were about 20 messages from a girl called Carley who I knew he worked with. I know I shouldn't have, but curiosity got the better of me and I looked. The basic gist of it was that she wished he was there, and how she didn't want Gary (his friend), and he knew that she wanted him.
I was upset at this, and I wanted an explanation so I went downstairs and asked him calmly. He said that he was trying to get Gary together with this girl. I accepted that but I was still mad, so I said that in the morning I was going to take my stuff and that we should not spend the New Year together because I was hurt and I wanted to think about things.
He went back downstairs and I could hear him talking to Gary, saying how he always *****s things up, and he threw his phone on the floor.
The next thing I knew I got woken up by this massive banging. He was kicking a door in. Gary told me that after our fall out he started on the whisky, and whisky was not good for him.
He was never violent towards me. Not once. I just wanted to make that clear. This was about 5am. I tried to calm him down but he stormed out of the house and came back about 6am.
I tried to talk to him but he was clearly off his face. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he told me that Emma (the ex) always used to threaten to leave. He then got really upset when he said that he didn't know why she left and that he loved me but he couldn't be with me anymore.
After the door incident I was willing to forgive him (after all, drink does do crazy things to us all). I said I wanted to start again and chill out.
He doesn't.
I went to work, and hoped he would sleep it off, then when I went round later he would hopefully have sorted himself out.
So I went round after work. And he said that he doesn't want to see me anymore, and that it is over. He needs to sort his head out and he had led me on.
So I am left wondering, if that night had never happened, where would we be now?
I refuse to believe that someone's feelings can change overnight. And I have an empty ache in my heart, I just can't believe it.
I want him so badly. What we had was so good, I have never connected with anyone the way I did with him.
Do you think he wants his ex back? That I have triggered something in his head that he was blocking out before? It will hurt so bad if he goes back to her.
Surely, you can't carry on a charade like that without feeling for someone?
I don't know what to do. Every part of me aches for him. I am trying so hard not to get in contact with him but I long to hear his voice.
I am so sorry that this post is mega long.
I really don't know who else to talk to, I am hoping someone here can make me feel better and give me some good advice.
I am not the sort of girl to get involved in 'serious' relationships, since one ended when I was 17 in a very bad way I tend to keep my cards close to my chest, and I haven't fallen for anyone since. Until now.
I am at Uni and I work in a shop there every weekend. A new girl started at my work about 6 months ago and everything was great - we got on well and would chat about everything.
One day, her brother came in to see her. It was love at first sight for me, and I used to tease her by saying how gorgeous he was and how I was going to sleep with him.
At the time it was a joke, as he had a girlfriend. He would still come in and have a chat, as he worked across the road.
I would hear every weekend from her about how things had turned sour between him and his girlfriend, and I would listen and give advice to her to pass on to him (although not obviously from me, she would pretend it was her opinion!)
Eventually, about three months or so ago, she left him (they had a house together). I was sad for him as I would hear about how he wasnt coping very well financially or emotionally, and then eventually it stopped. She said he was fine and over it and when he came in he would look at me through the glass and I wished he would get my number from her and get in contact.
One day, I was out with some friends from work in the pub and I let it slip that I liked him. I left the pub and thought nothing of it until a friend from work called me and told me that he had turned up. He passed the phone to him and that was our first conversation. I was a bit cheeky and told him to come out for a drink and he said he couldn't come that night but he would like to take me out.
This was the start of the biggest head***** of my life.
So, a week of texting followed, and we arranged to meet up that weekend. But I bumped into him on the Thursday anyway, and we ended up at a house party at his house.
Having had far too much to drink, I couldn't drive home. We ended up in bed together and it was amazing. I don't normally do things like that, but we were getting on so well, and as they say the rest is history.
So the Saturday rolled around, and I thought that by sleeping together so early I had messed things up, but he got in touch and we ended up having a lovely night in with a movie and a chinese. I just could not believe that I had met this wonderful person that understood me so well. I kept it quiet though, I didn't want him to think I was clingy or anything.
I went home for Christmas on the Sunday. He called me that night. We spoke to ages on the phone and I knew that I wanted to hold onto him, he was so special and caring and just generally a great man. A few days followed, he would call me whenever he got a break from work and say that he missed me.
He would also say that he could not believe his luck, how did he ever pull a girl like me, he was never going to mess things up, and constantly would tell me that I was gorgeous. I didn't even give his ex girlfriend a second thought, she did not come into the equation.
After about 2 days apart, he called and was really down that he wasn't going to see me until Boxing Day. I was bored at home so after much deliberation I decided to surprise him and went back to Leicester.
He couldn't have been more happy to see me. A week followed of us spending a lot of time together, going out for meals and generally just being happy. I was over the moon that I had met this guy. He even gave me a key for his house so I could go back and study in the peace and quiet while he was at work!
He took me for dinner at his parents (which I thought was a big step) and everything was great. I have honestly never felt so secure or loved up with anyone. Even his sister seemed pleased for us, and his Mum said she had never seen him so happy.
Please don't think that I was rushing into things because I genuinely wasn't. He was the one that was full of compliments and telling me how he felt the whole time, and although I was feeling it too, I held back a bit. He said he was falling in love with me, I said I wasn't sure but I thought I was too.
I had to come home to get some things for Uni. We spent another 2 days apart, with the same kind of phone calls and texts then I returned to Leicester for work on the friday. He had the day off on Saturday and so his friend came over and they started drinking. I went to bed as I had an early start the next day. This wasn't a problem, I fell asleep but I kept getting woken up by his phone beeping.
So, I looked at his phone. There were about 20 messages from a girl called Carley who I knew he worked with. I know I shouldn't have, but curiosity got the better of me and I looked. The basic gist of it was that she wished he was there, and how she didn't want Gary (his friend), and he knew that she wanted him.
I was upset at this, and I wanted an explanation so I went downstairs and asked him calmly. He said that he was trying to get Gary together with this girl. I accepted that but I was still mad, so I said that in the morning I was going to take my stuff and that we should not spend the New Year together because I was hurt and I wanted to think about things.
He went back downstairs and I could hear him talking to Gary, saying how he always *****s things up, and he threw his phone on the floor.
The next thing I knew I got woken up by this massive banging. He was kicking a door in. Gary told me that after our fall out he started on the whisky, and whisky was not good for him.
He was never violent towards me. Not once. I just wanted to make that clear. This was about 5am. I tried to calm him down but he stormed out of the house and came back about 6am.
I tried to talk to him but he was clearly off his face. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he told me that Emma (the ex) always used to threaten to leave. He then got really upset when he said that he didn't know why she left and that he loved me but he couldn't be with me anymore.
After the door incident I was willing to forgive him (after all, drink does do crazy things to us all). I said I wanted to start again and chill out.
He doesn't.
I went to work, and hoped he would sleep it off, then when I went round later he would hopefully have sorted himself out.
So I went round after work. And he said that he doesn't want to see me anymore, and that it is over. He needs to sort his head out and he had led me on.
So I am left wondering, if that night had never happened, where would we be now?
I refuse to believe that someone's feelings can change overnight. And I have an empty ache in my heart, I just can't believe it.
I want him so badly. What we had was so good, I have never connected with anyone the way I did with him.
Do you think he wants his ex back? That I have triggered something in his head that he was blocking out before? It will hurt so bad if he goes back to her.
Surely, you can't carry on a charade like that without feeling for someone?
I don't know what to do. Every part of me aches for him. I am trying so hard not to get in contact with him but I long to hear his voice.
I am so sorry that this post is mega long.
Scroll to see replies
Aww honey I'm sorry for you - not sure what advice to give you really! You clearly do love him a lot...but, you implied that he hit you? Or harmed you in some way? Maybe not, but that's just what I'm getting from this all...to be honest, a guy who resorts to violence, even if he's drunk, is not a good guy. I suggest you go on a break for a bit, see what happens, how you both feel. Maybe call him in a fortnight or so, and have a talk with him, just to see what's been going on. That's not brilliant advice, but hope you feel better soon. *hug* xxx
lil_sweetie
Aww honey I'm sorry for you - not sure what advice to give you really! You clearly do love him a lot...but, you implied that he hit you? Or harmed you in some way? Maybe not, but that's just what I'm getting from this all...to be honest, a guy who resorts to violence, even if he's drunk, is not a good guy. I suggest you go on a break for a bit, see what happens, how you both feel. Maybe call him in a fortnight or so, and have a talk with him, just to see what's been going on. That's not brilliant advice, but hope you feel better soon. *hug* xxx
She said he was never violent towards her. He has never done anything to hurt her, only ever shown love and care, and now suddenly he doesn't want to know. It is strange.
Sorry to be cruel but you brought this on yourself by
- reading his phone
- leaping to conclusions
- accusing him
- saying you didn't want to spend time with him
His past relationship had a messy end, and perhaps your somewhat scary behaviour reminds him of his ex's behaviour at the time. He probably assumed till then that you were 'different', the same way that you feel about him.
I don't think he wants his ex back, but I think you've hurt him too much for him to easily forgive and forget. The "I've been leading you on" line is just a way of getting out of a relationship that's hurting him, I doubt it's true, as from your description he sounds quite sincere. Plus, the fact that he was upset enough to kick a door in over it would indicate his emotions for you are quite strong. If he really loves you, then with time you might be able to work something out. Try for friendship first and help him build trust in you again.
- reading his phone
- leaping to conclusions
- accusing him
- saying you didn't want to spend time with him
His past relationship had a messy end, and perhaps your somewhat scary behaviour reminds him of his ex's behaviour at the time. He probably assumed till then that you were 'different', the same way that you feel about him.
I don't think he wants his ex back, but I think you've hurt him too much for him to easily forgive and forget. The "I've been leading you on" line is just a way of getting out of a relationship that's hurting him, I doubt it's true, as from your description he sounds quite sincere. Plus, the fact that he was upset enough to kick a door in over it would indicate his emotions for you are quite strong. If he really loves you, then with time you might be able to work something out. Try for friendship first and help him build trust in you again.
OK sorry I thought you meant he was never violent before now...my mistake.
Tis odd though...maybe talk to his sister, who you're hopefully still good friends with? Maybe she can let you know what's going on.
Tis odd though...maybe talk to his sister, who you're hopefully still good friends with? Maybe she can let you know what's going on.
lil_sweetie
Aww honey I'm sorry for you - not sure what advice to give you really! You clearly do love him a lot...but, you implied that he hit you? Or harmed you in some way? Maybe not, but that's just what I'm getting from this all...to be honest, a guy who resorts to violence, even if he's drunk, is not a good guy. I suggest you go on a break for a bit, see what happens, how you both feel. Maybe call him in a fortnight or so, and have a talk with him, just to see what's been going on. That's not brilliant advice, but hope you feel better soon. *hug* xxx
Thanks for your support guys, it really is a sad story! I forgot to mention that his friend texted me saying how sorry he was for the way things turned out. It seems as though even his friends thought I was great!
He did not hit me or try and harm me, although his banging was a bit scary I knew for a fact he would never touch me.
I think that the break thing is the best thing to do. My problem is that I have had an awful 2005, things were really bad for me and he has been the only good thing that has happened. I am going to leave it for now, and hope that I can get rid of this awful feeling in my chest and stomach. Thanks.
Ah okay, first off, you sound like a very sensible person, and it doesn't seem as though you rushed in too fast. The guy, although over Emma, may have been very overwhelmed at first by meeting you. He certainly seems to have fallen for you very quickly, but if his relationship with Emma was long and there was a nasty breakup, he probably didn't believe his luck it could be good again, so is worried his feelings may again hurt so is feeling vulnerable. It is still soon after the New Year and he possibly just needs a really short break to realise what is going on if it all happened so fast. I'm sure you're feeling extremely hurt and confused, but don't give up on him, because it could just be afew days of thinking about your relationship that he needs. Make sure he knows you still care for him and want to talk to him about it. I'm sorry I can't be of more help but I really hope it works out for you both.
Apagg
Sorry to be cruel but you brought this on yourself by
- reading his phone
- leaping to conclusions
- accusing him
- saying you didn't want to spend time with him
His past relationship had a messy end, and perhaps your somewhat scary behaviour reminds him of his ex's behaviour at the time. He probably assumed till then that you were 'different', the same way that you feel about him.
I don't think he wants his ex back, but I think you've hurt him too much for him to easily forgive and forget. The "I've been leading you on" line is just a way of getting out of a relationship that's hurting him, I doubt it's true, as from your description he sounds quite sincere. Plus, the fact that he was upset enough to kick a door in over it would indicate his emotions for you are quite strong. If he really loves you, then with time you might be able to work something out. Try for friendship first and help him build trust in you again.
- reading his phone
- leaping to conclusions
- accusing him
- saying you didn't want to spend time with him
His past relationship had a messy end, and perhaps your somewhat scary behaviour reminds him of his ex's behaviour at the time. He probably assumed till then that you were 'different', the same way that you feel about him.
I don't think he wants his ex back, but I think you've hurt him too much for him to easily forgive and forget. The "I've been leading you on" line is just a way of getting out of a relationship that's hurting him, I doubt it's true, as from your description he sounds quite sincere. Plus, the fact that he was upset enough to kick a door in over it would indicate his emotions for you are quite strong. If he really loves you, then with time you might be able to work something out. Try for friendship first and help him build trust in you again.
Hi Apagg,
He said he wasn't bothered about the phone thing, and I truly would never have done it if it was not continuously bleeping next to my head!
I didn't actually accuse him either, I just asked him what it was about. I have caused trouble in my past relationship by jumping to conclusions and I knew not to.
I only said I was going because I felt that I was in too deep, and I did not want to be practically living with someone I didn't really know.
But I do understand that is 'bad' from a guys point of view. Thanks for your advice.
girlpants
is he still willing to talk to you? Have you told him your willing to forgive him?
Yeah I called him last night and we had a long chat. He said he wants me but he needs to sort his head out. Which is fine, but what if he decides he doesn't want me? And yes I agree he hasn't done anything wrong, but violent outbursts (albeit directed at a door) are still bad.
Jenna Leicester
Yeah I called him last night and we had a long chat. He said he wants me but he needs to sort his head out. Which is fine, but what if he decides he doesn't want me? And yes I agree he hasn't done anything wrong, but violent outbursts (albeit directed at a door) are still bad.
Maybe, but most men would do the same when full of whisky after an emotionally traumatic experience. I feel quite sorry for him really
To him it seems like you don't trust him, I know he said it's "fine", but it's really not, he was just saying that to assuage your conscience.He's faced with the problem of having strong feelings, possibly love, for a girl who doesn't trust him. How can he be sure that something similar won't happen again, that you won't get aggressive when he talks to other girls, for example? I understand that you might be a bit fragile too, but without trust a relationship just won't work.
Hey i feel for you, losing someone you care about so much is really heartbreaking, i've been with my bf for 3 years but two years ago we split for a month and i thought i was going to die we got back together and everythings been great since, so perhaps he just needs time. It may have been too soon after splitting up with his ex, perhaps you may have been a rebound because he missed her so much and he realised that and feels ashamed, or perhaps he was just scared of losing you when you said "I was going to take my stuff and that we should not spend the New Year together because I was hurt and I wanted to think about things" so he might have ended it with you to avoid being hurt by someone again. Men are very complicated, you'll find love again your still young and you never know he might realise he misses you but if he doesn't its meant to be, everything happens for a reason take care xx
All of your advice is so good and true. Thanks. I really don't know what to do. I would talk to his sister but I really don't want to mess things up with her at work. It's been hard to not talk about it but she said at the beginning she didn't want to get involved.
I do admit that it was harsh of me to say I was going, but we had had a conversation earlier in the evening about 'chilling out' anyway.
I don't want to make excuses for myself, I am just so very sad. He knows I want to give it another go but he is refusing to.
I do admit that it was harsh of me to say I was going, but we had had a conversation earlier in the evening about 'chilling out' anyway.
I don't want to make excuses for myself, I am just so very sad. He knows I want to give it another go but he is refusing to.
Jenna Leicester
All of your advice is so good and true. Thanks. I really don't know what to do. I would talk to his sister but I really don't want to mess things up with her at work. It's been hard to not talk about it but she said at the beginning she didn't want to get involved.
I do admit that it was harsh of me to say I was going, but we had had a conversation earlier in the evening about 'chilling out' anyway.
I don't want to make excuses for myself, I am just so very sad. He knows I want to give it another go but he is refusing to.
I do admit that it was harsh of me to say I was going, but we had had a conversation earlier in the evening about 'chilling out' anyway.
I don't want to make excuses for myself, I am just so very sad. He knows I want to give it another go but he is refusing to.
i'm confused? you say he's refusing to give it another go yet you say you had a convo about 'chilling out'?
mich2005
i'm confused? you say he's refusing to give it another go yet you say you had a convo about 'chilling out'?
Sorry. I'm not making sense am I!!? My head is all over the place.
On the friday night before his friend came over, we decided that we were going to slow things down a bit because I have exams in a couple of weeks and we wouldn't be able to see each other in January as much as we were at that point (which was every day).
This was before the whiskey incident when he said he can't be with me and that he needs to sort his head out.
Firstly that must be the sadest thing iv read on tsr 
and sorry if these are stupid points but i duno what else to say so here goes.
Secondly, to me it sounds like somthing he has done. It maybe somthing to do with this other girl (the one he was getting txts from). Maybe he has done something that hes afraid will ruin your relationship? Or it could just be something else in life. Just give him some space and make it clear how you feel and he should be ok.
And dont feel bad about checking his phone, we all get paranoid and upset. Atleast you talked to him about it! most people would just have kicked off.
Good luck and i hope you two sort things out
and sorry if these are stupid points but i duno what else to say so here goes.
Secondly, to me it sounds like somthing he has done. It maybe somthing to do with this other girl (the one he was getting txts from). Maybe he has done something that hes afraid will ruin your relationship? Or it could just be something else in life. Just give him some space and make it clear how you feel and he should be ok.
And dont feel bad about checking his phone, we all get paranoid and upset. Atleast you talked to him about it! most people would just have kicked off.
Good luck and i hope you two sort things out
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