Confuzzled about men...

I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give on this situation I've got myself into, sorry if I start rambling, it's just causing me a headache at the mo.

I split with my BF nearly a week ago, and since then he's bombarded me with texts saying how he doesn't want to live any more and how he's planning to drink himself to death. He's not eating either but is consuming a bottle of wine a day by all accounts. I don't know what to do, I can't go back to him, but this as far as I can see would be the only way to stop it. Am I being selfish by not going back when I know it would stop it? I feel so guilty.

The other problem is that I like someone else from work, and he's made it crystal clear that he likes me too. However he's got a long term girlfriend, but from what I've heard it's not going to be a relationship for much longer. He's unhapy with things as they are with her, and he wants to meet me for a drink to tell me the whole story, however when I tried to arrange a day I didn't get very far, perhaps his gf was with him? In any case I'll see him on Friday, but I'm worried that this could lead to him finishing the relationship, and I don't want that.

What a mess hey :redface:

Reply 1

grace

15

first of all, do not go back to your ex, to be honest he's being very immature and is going to have to learn to cope with much more difficult things in his life than someone dumping him (no matter how amazing you may be :smile:

lol) and if you go back to him all it will do is teach him that he can get his own way and stop him learning how to be independent and resiliant.

secondly, it's not really fair to pursue a guy in a relationship. stay friends with him, flirt a little but do NOT push it, it's just not fair on anyone involved.

Reply 2

ApeXaviour

7

Anonymous

I split with my BF nearly a week ago, and since then he's bombarded me with texts saying how he doesn't want to live any more and how he's planning to drink himself to death. He's not eating either but is consuming a bottle of wine a day by all accounts. I don't know what to do, I can't go back to him, but this as far as I can see would be the only way to stop it. Am I being selfish by not going back when I know it would stop it? I feel so guilty.

Firstly he's more confused than you, I can understand it somewhat. Being dumped can do crazy things to your head. It's obvious it's not your fault here. You're not being selfish for not getting back with him. Just be ardent, and tell him to cop the hell on. If you can mention that you'd like to see him with someone else. Gets the point across and gives him a little ego boost.

Anonymous

The other problem is that I like someone else from work, and he's made it crystal clear that he likes me too. However he's got a long term girlfriend, but from what I've heard it's not going to be a relationship for much longer. He's unhapy with things as they are with her

I'm not one to decide other peoples morals but IMHO you should definitely put this on the backburner until he's finished with that relationship, if he does. You don't want to be "that woman".

Reply 3

dyslexic_banana

1

Maybe he's 'confuzzled' as to why you dumped him?

Reply 4

random123

2

Is this the guy?

www.thestudentroom.co.uk/t189549.html

He sounds equally obsessive.

Reply 5

Harv616

9

First guy - Attention seeking in a desperate attempt to get you back, hes got the problem, not you. So dont feel guilty about him.

Secondy guy - You really should wait awhile, because of all the trouble because of the first. Also he seems alittle too keen to get with a girl while still haveing a gf, not my decision but something to think about. Say you do go out with him and hit a bad patch, would he do the same to you?

Reply 6

ApeXaviour

Firstly he's more confused than you, I can understand it somewhat. Being dumped can do crazy things to your head. It's obvious it's not your fault here. You're not being selfish for not getting back with him. Just be ardent, and tell him to cop the hell on. If you can mention that you'd like to see him with someone else. Gets the point across and gives him a little ego boost.

I've told him loads that he'll find someone else better than me but he won't listen. He's always been a heavy drinker but it hasn't been as bad as this for a very long time. We were together for almost 3 years, and I was his first serious relationship. I think as he's 26 he may feel his clock is ticking :frown:

ApeXaviour

I'm not one to decide other peoples morals but IMHO you should definitely put this on the backburner until he's finished with that relationship, if he does. You don't want to be "that woman".

Too right I don't want to be "that woman", especially as I know his gf, she used to be my asst. manager. I don;t even know if it'll go anywhere as he's 16 yrs older than me, but I really hope so. He gave me a hug on Saturday and said "you know you'll be mine one day", and I really hope he's right... but..... oh it's such a mess and I feel so so guilty!

Reply 7

twiga

15

Joe_87

Is this the guy?

www.thestudentroom.co.uk/t189549.html

He sounds equally obsessive.

No, that's not him lol, but it sounds pretty much like him! I still want to be friends with my ex but I doubt that's going to work :frown:

Reply 8

dyslexic_banana

Maybe he's 'confuzzled' as to why you dumped him?

He knows exactly. I'm not a cash machine, I'm not a taxi service, I'm a student I earn in a month what he does in a week yet he still treats me like the aforementioned things! I also appreciate support when I ask for it, not to be left on my own in a complete state while he goes back inside to watch tv :mad:

Reply 9

dyslexic_banana

1

To be fair, heartbreak is a terrible feeling, and can easily make you feel as if you don't want to live any more. I think it's a tad harsh, branding this guy as immature; he's, only a week ago, been dumped by his ex-girlfriend of three years. Maybe he just loved her to bits? Also, if he's 26, and this was his first ever proper relationship, then he's clearly not the most successful person in the world, when it comes to forming relationships; perhaps he worries about forthcoming loneliness?

I understand that this is probably too personal a question for you to answer, but was there a good reason for you splitting with him? Did you provide him with decent an explanation? Am I being cynical, in wondering if your dumping him, and your liking some guy at work, are connected?

Reply 10

twiga

15

dyslexic_banana

To be fair, heartbreak is a terrible feeling, and can easily make you feel as if you don't want to live any more. I think it's a tad harsh, branding this guy as immature; he's, only a week ago, been dumped by his ex-girlfriend of three years. Maybe he just loved her to bits? Also, if he's 26, and this was his first ever proper relationship, then he's clearly not the most successful person in the world, when it comes to forming relationships; perhaps he worries about forthcoming loneliness?

I understand that this is probably too personal a question for you to answer, but was there a good reason for you splitting with him? Did you provide him with decent an explanation? Am I being cynical, in wondering if your dumping him, and your liking some guy at work, are connected?

It wasn't a great relationship, like I said I was being used as a cash machine and a free taxi service, it seemed that I was the one giving everything and he never put anything back in. If we went out for a meal I'd pay, and I'm on a monthly income of about the same as his weekly income. He's also a heavy drinker, and it had got to the point when I was thinking "my life is worth more than putting my drunken boyfriend to bed, undressing him etc (because he was too drunk to do it himself) and then curling up in a corner of th bed where I could fit". We got engaged but then he broke it off without a reason, I've cried so many tears over him an what he's done, and the money etc was the final straw. It's been a long time coming but it's been coming for a long time.

Are those good enough reasons?

EDIT I give up with this anon. tag, I keep forgetting to use it for the replies!

Reply 11

dyslexic_banana

1

Yes, they are good enough reasons, and, as far as things seem, you're probably better off without him. But it wouldn't exactly be unheard of for someone to be dumped for no good reason at all, and, in such cases, the resulting hurt is undeserved. I was merely trying to ascertain as to the circumstances surrounding the split, so as to be able to make a judgement and draw conclusions.

If he's acted in immature a way for some time, and there's been conflict in the past between the pair of you, then he's behaving in more immature a way than he would be doing, were the relationship to have been running smoothly. May I ask as to whether or not you spoke out, as regards your gripes? Not that it takes a genius to figure that freeloading off a partner and subjecting them to your drunken behaviour, is hardly what classes as admirable behaviour, of course.

Reply 12

twiga

15

dyslexic_banana

Yes, they are good enough reasons, and, as far as things seem, you're probably better off without him. But it wouldn't exactly be unheard of for someone to be dumped for no good reason at all, and, in such cases, the resulting hurt is undeserved. I was merely trying to ascertain as to the circumstances surrounding the split, so as to be able to make a judgement and draw conclusions.

If he's acted in immature a way for some time, and there's been conflict in the past between the pair of you, then he's behaving in more immature a way than he would be doing, were the relationship to have been running smoothly. May I ask as to whether or not you spoke out, as regards your gripes? Not that it takes a genius to figure that freeloading off a partner and subjecting them to your drunken behaviour, is hardly what classes as admirable behaviour, of course.

If I told him once about it I've told him a million times. I tried everything, from diplomatically saying what I didn't like, to being firm, to crying abouit it, to getting really angry, to talking to his friends to try and get them to make him see sense. Nothing worked, and I got steadily more and more frustrated that he didn't respect me enough to listen to me and take what I said on board. He just told me to stop nagging him, especially if I asked for money that he owed me, though nagging him would be the only way that he'd remember to give it back.

Confuzzled about men...

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