The Student Room Group

ex boyf and best m8

i recently found out, that two days ago my ex boyfriend and best friend kissed and kinda got together and they both fancy each other. Orginally wen they started getn close i thought i wudnt be bothered we had all moved on etc. but i realy do and was up all night thinking about it and i cried a bit. Me and him where together on and off for 2 years and broke up in september he was my first love and i lost my virginity to him etc. I have a boyfirned now who i realy like but i cant help feeling really upset over my best m8 and ex, is this right? am i normal to think this, i ahve told them i understand and arnt angry. im not sure y im upset, cud b bcus i no that e obvioulsy doent love me anymore etc.
what should i do??
thanku xxxx
Reply 1
Anonymous
i recently found out, that two days ago my ex boyfriend and best friend kissed and kinda got together and they both fancy each other. Orginally wen they started getn close i thought i wudnt be bothered we had all moved on etc. but i realy do and was up all night thinking about it and i cried a bit. Me and him where together on and off for 2 years and broke up in september he was my first love and i lost my virginity to him etc. I have a boyfirned now who i realy like but i cant help feeling really upset over my best m8 and ex, is this right? am i normal to think this, i ahve told them i understand and arnt angry. im not sure y im upset, cud b bcus i no that e obvioulsy doent love me anymore etc.
what should i do??
thanku xxxx
However hard it may be you need to try and move on and not let it bother you. Its not wrong to feel upset i mean he was your first love and you never forget your first love. Perhaps your feeling upset because its now officially over because he has moved on. I think you'd feel like this even if it was another girl, perhaps its worse because its your best mate. Main thing is that you have a new boyfriend now and more than likely as time goes by the pain of losing your ex will soon fade as you and your new boyfriend's relationship blossoms (sorry if that sounds corny) Good luck hope you feel better soon x
Its normal, just try to control your emotions, it wont be easy though. try and be happy for your mate for finding someone she likes. obviously since you lost your virginity to him you;re probably emotionally attached to him in a way.
Reply 3
Of course it's normal to be upset, but you need to try and think rationally. Your ex was bound to move on sometime... you have. It's just unfortunate that he's moved on to your best mate.
Reply 4
He's an Ex for a reason.
Reply 5
having had this happen to me twice, with 2 different friends and 2 different exes (i might add that it happened only a few days after the split), that there is an unwritten rule concerning friends and exes...in my eyes it's just not done...
so i dunno..i guess try and be happy seeing as you have a new bf too...dont let it ruin ur relationship with your friend or your bf...
Reply 6
thanku everyone, i think its what i needed to hear, i gues i did end it with him for a reason!!
Reply 7
Communication is the key to many problems. I'd suggest you talk to your best mate and let her know how your feeling, afterall, if she's supposed to be your best mate then she shold be able to help you feel better. If you are trully over your ex, then consider whether you'd feel the same way about him getting with someone else other than your best mate, if you think you'd still react the same way then maybe your not as over him as you think. There is no normal or abnormal behaviour concerning relationships as everyone reacts differently, obviously you were with him a long time and got very emotionally close to him especially losing your virginity, but the hardest part is to move on and thats what needs to happen especially if u got a new boyfriend now. Try and feel happy for your friend to have found someone to be with, and remember how u felt while you were with ur ex - he may not love you now, but that doesnt mean he never did. Enjoy the time now with your current bf, and feel happy with his affection, knowing that ur ex must have felt it at some point and has now moved on.
Reply 8
mmm. you are all right. I think im most upset becus i no its no completly ova between me and him permantly, and the thing with us was that it was never properly ova, there was always a possibility. im not angry with her as i have told her i dont love him anymore + i want her to be hapy i just wish it was with sum1 else. He was the 1 person i have eva known who has truely like d me 4 me etc and im scared im guna lose him completly as a friend and possibly her. Another problem is that im current boyf had a small thing with my m8 (same 1) before me, back in october, it was only a week or 2 and they only kissd, wasnt emotionaly ttached etc, but i feel like a hipocrit (spely rong0 if i tell her how i feeel
I got with my best friends ex a couple of months ago and when I first told her I liked him she said she wouldn't mind if anything happened, then we kissed and when I told her she freaked out and wouldn't talk to me, even though she'd given me permission. Then when she realised how badly I'd fallen for him she said she'd let us do what we wanted to do and two months down the line we're still going out and everything's fine with me and my best friend :smile: I think you just need to talk to your friend about it, maybe she doesn't realise how much this bothers you or how weird you find it. Hope evrything works out :smile:
Reply 10
Maybe discuss it with your friend? I wouldn't expect any sympathy from your ex, I'd guess as far as he sees it, you have nothing to do it (well, that's the facade he'll put up at least, even if he doesn't feel great about what he's doing). She should understand where you are coming from and even if she won't break up with him (after all, there's no reason why she can't date him) she may be more careful around you and take care not to rub it in and things.

I can understand you being hurt, but take a step back, and look at it that you and him didn't work out, you've moved on and he has the same right, just as your friend has the right to be happy as well. It'll take some getting used to, but it's something you'll grow to accept. In the meantime, if you friend is understanding about it, that'd help a whole lot.
I have been the "best mate" in this situation and me and my boyfriend are still together (20 months) and are extremely happy. From my perspective, she has every right to be with your ex - you don't have a hold on him, especially if you broke up a while ago and have a new man! Don't be harsh on her - it was probably really hard for her to tell you what was going on, and its hard to be the one that people "look down on" for having broken an "unwritten rule". Just be gracious about it and hope that your relationship with your new guy will turn out for the better. You can't deny her a shot at being happy just because you were there first and it didn't turn out right.
I personally think best friends have every right to get together with exes. I don't see whats wrong with it.
Reply 12
ye im am trying very hard. we are still attempting to b good frinds me and my ex but im worried my m8 will think that im just trying to get him back. i really dont want to loose him or her as they are the two of the people i care about most. i realy need 2 talk 2 sum1 about this but dont know who. as my best friend is the one i would usualy turn to. also i think she is going behind my back a bit as i found out that they r seeing each ova 2nite althou 2day she said she wasnt. am i right in wanting her to be honest with me ++ thinking that i deserve at least honesty from her, or not.
finally, i was never really over him, i just knew it had to end and have been trying to fill the gap ever since, until recently e stil realy likd me but every1 around me, inclding my best m8 was saying i was doing the rite thing. its really eating m up + i feel kinda empty although i defo dont want to ruin my new relationship, which was going well

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im not angry at her, just feeling extremly confused. im being selfish really. im glad they will both me happy, but i just wish she was honest with me, and told me striagt away, im woried that she values her new relationship more than her friendship
Reply 13
I think that's wrong, is it just me? Her friend should be mroe considerate to her feelings.
Reply 14
jessikaj

im not angry at her, just feeling extremly confused. im being selfish really. im glad they will both me happy, but i just wish she was honest with me, and told me striagt away, im woried that she values her new relationship more than her friendship


Tell her that... you can say that you're happy for her, but you want to prevent your friendship from suffering.
jessikaj
mmm. you are all right. I think im most upset becus i no its no completly ova between me and him permantly, and the thing with us was that it was never properly ova, there was always a possibility. im not angry with her as i have told her i dont love him anymore + i want her to be hapy i just wish it was with sum1 else. He was the 1 person i have eva known who has truely like d me 4 me etc and im scared im guna lose him completly as a friend and possibly her. Another problem is that im current boyf had a small thing with my m8 (same 1) before me, back in october, it was only a week or 2 and they only kissd, wasnt emotionaly ttached etc, but i feel like a hipocrit (spely rong0 if i tell her how i feeel


there is such a difference, they were barely together a week or 2, and you and your ex were together 2 years and you lost your virginity to him. if one of my mates went off with a guy i had been that close to, i wouldnt think much of them as a mate to be honest. it doesnt seem like she respects you as a best friend that much, if shes willing to hurt you like this.

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trixie
I think that's wrong, is it just me? Her friend should be mroe considerate to her feelings.


not its not just you, i agree! friends before guys any day.
Reply 16
That sounds horrible. It's true he's an ex for a reason, but I guess it depends how it ended - I have to say I'd be pretty upset and angry if a friend went out with my current boyfriend if we break up, in fact I'd be furious! However, I wouldn't care about any of my shorter term boyfriends, or even the one I went out with for over a year when I was younger - but I'm not speaking to him cos I think he's an idiot, so that's not surprising! I think there is an unwritten rule but it can be broken at the discretion of the person whose ex it is.

Still, try to concentrate on your new boyfriend...if you were happy with being with him and not your ex before then this shouldn't change things. It's a tricky situation, but try to reserve judgment on your friend and see how it pans out. It might all end soon anyway!

Cxx
Reply 17
thanku 2 you all you have all helped. Im just guna have to accept it and ask her not to talk about it to me and tell her i still hope to be friends with him if she doesnt mind. Im going to tell her i find it extremly wierd and to be honest. I made the major mistake of reading some of her texts from him and i cud have burst into tears, im going to try and forget about them being together. I no that itl b serious as he is that kinda guy. I ended it so i gues its finaly time for me to accept its completly over forever, and he wont always b around.
I stil cant believe she did it though, after she once said shed kill me if i got with her long term ex + i said i prob would too.
The key is to try and keep an ok relationship between all of you. I had two of my best friends get together and it ruined he relationships between everyone in our group of friends as it changed the dynamics of the group soo much. Make sure is does't happen as i still feel the repurcussions of this 3 years later. just keep you friendship with your friend if you can!