Complicated Dilemma, please advise....(long!)

Right, a bit of background first. I have a friend, lets call her "Jane". We've known each other since we were 11 or 12. We're each other's closest friend, and i mean really close. Its probably difficult to believe that a guy and a girl can be the closest of friends for years and not have romantic feelings for each other, but just trust me, there are no romantic feelings between us. We love each other as though we were brother and sister.

AAAnyway, i think she has a strange habit of picking the wrong guys to get into a relationship with. The first guy she considered getting into a relationship with turned out bad, good thing she realised it in time before actually going out with him. He actually started stalking her and all that once she told him she dint want to speak to him anymore. One day he actually came up to her house drunk!!! Good thing her parents were out or she would have probably gotten scolded and they might have called the police.
She wanted me to help her so i called him up and had a friendly chat with him.

Now she has a boyfriend, who was previously a good friend of guy #1. That kinda got me suspicious straight away, because i had met this guy before and was not particularly happy with the way he spoke about certain issues.
He was actually going after her sister, but her sister gave him the cold shoulder, and since jane was more friendly with him and possibly liked him a bit too, the got together.

Anyway over my christmas hols i got to know him and im really worried about what i see. He has a problem with his temper, he is crude, he talks about girls as though they are not our equals. In addition to that, the way he described things indicated to me that he still likes her sister. You see, he has a thing for submissive women. My friend is the debater-lawyer-confident kinda woman lol. Not exactly his type.

now why would he become her boyfriend if she wasnt his type?? Well, she's very attractive physically, and is a brilliant person. i mean intellectually she is miles ahead of him. yes, i do think he is a bit thick. i dont call people that unless i have a very good reason to.

what do you guys think of this situation? i feel like i need to tell my friend about his true colours but i dont want to seem like im trying to break them up......i just am not sure what to do!! Im just so worried if i dont tell her she'll get hurt. I love her very much and thats the last thing i want to see happen.

Reply 1

Leigh

Well, from an outside perspective, things can often seem quite obvious; that he isn't right for her, and as her close friend I (and Jane, hopefully) can understand you wanting to be protective of her and make sure she stays happy.

The first thing I'd advise, which I'd always mention anyway, although I'm sure, like you said, your relationship is completely platonic, is to take a second just to make sure you are doing this for her, and not for you because you have (previously unnoticed?) feelings for her, or don't want to lose the time you have together if she starts seeing this guy.

Once that's sorted (I'm sure it is) then I guess the best thing you can do, as her best friend, is talk to her openly about it. Don't give her instructions, just give her advice and tell her what you think of the guy (making it clear it's for her benefit may help, if there's any chance she isn't completely clear on that).
Don't tell her to not date him, that's not your place, but tell her what you see wrong with him, or if you think that's too forward and suggestive, just make her promise she'll be careful and not to do anything silly.

You want to do all this whilst still making it clear that you are there for her, and are not annoyed that she's dating who you see as the wrong guy, just concerned for her; don't give her the opportunity to see you as controlling and try to shut you out. Basically make sure you emphasis that you will be there if she needs help with anything more than the fact that you don't think she should be dating this guy.

Hopefully she'll understand and while she may not finish the guy there and then, she should take a closer look at what she's getting into, tread carefully, and know you're there if she needs you.

That's my two cents, hope there's something in there you can make use of!

Reply 2

Nope, no previously unnoticed feelings. Firstly because in a romantic relationship we wouldnt be right for each other for quite a few reasons....im quite a mushy-romantic guy, she isnt really a very romantic type etc....
secondly my heart belongs to someone else:P
she's been seeing him since march, and no im not worried about the time thing, primarily cos im in the UK, shes in the US, and he is in malaysia. so that is certainly not an issue. what caused me to worry is the fact that when i returned to malaysia for xmas hols, i hung out with him to get to know him better, and learnt his true character. Come on, everyone knows 70% of guys behave differently around girls than when they are with their mates (something which i am very much against. i believe in sincerity). So i dont think she's really had a chance to see his true nature.if i tell her much about what i learnt, shes going to talk to him about it, and he is going to start irritating me. im not assuming this because i did tell her some things i found out about him, and he was very rude to me after that. i know if i tell her anymore, he will guess that she found out from me when she talks to him, and hes going to avoid me. not that im going to miss him, im just worried that by doing so i wont be able to get to know him more, and give her some hard facts if things get out of hand

she;s not stupid, she's highly intelligent, but still, its hard for her if she dosent see his true character....

Reply 3

afhstingray

erm...any other people care to give suggestions?

Reply 4

erm... anyone else care to give suggestions?

Reply 5

huangxiaoxia

yes ,that's right.i also suggest you should have a chat with jane.to tell her what you see and what you feel about him.and you should make her know it's just a personl view ,don't tell her boyfriend your point.advise her be careful and tell her when she needs you ,you are still in there for her.good luck.

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you know you're the closest friends.

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as for a girl,i need my friend's advise and impression about my bf.

Reply 6

El Scotto

Anonymous

now why would he become her boyfriend if she wasnt his type?? Well, she's very attractive physically, and is a brilliant person. i mean intellectually she is miles ahead of him. yes, i do think he is a bit thick. i dont call people that unless i have a very good reason to.

what do you guys think of this situation? i feel like i need to tell my friend about his true colours but i dont want to seem like im trying to break them up......i just am not sure what to do!! Im just so worried if i dont tell her she'll get hurt. I love her very much and thats the last thing i want to see happen.

Leave her to it and just be there if it does go down the pan, tell her what you think though, no need to lie or anything, just dont go trying to break things up because that part of her life isnt your business.

You say shes 'intellectually superior' and a "debater-lawyer-confident kinda woman" I'm sure she can handle him.

Also another thing, sounds like he was trying to break the ice with you and be friendly when you got to know him over the christmas holidays.

Any good Ice breaker with blokes you dont know that well, or who are friends with your girlfriends you go for a discussion of 3 things...

1. Sport.
2. being crude
3. slagging of women (or as you put it "talks about girls as though they are not our equal)

Sounds like he was trying to be matey with you, and you just dont want him to be with your friend because of who hes friends with.

^that doesnt make you seem so 'intellectually superior' judging him by what his friends have done in the past.

Reply 7

El Scotto

^that doesnt make you seem so 'intellectually superior' judging him by what his friends have done in the past.

im a big fan of giving people second or even third chances, becacuse especially at this age people can change a lot in a few years. thats why i did not judge him before getting to know him this xmas. yes she probably can handle it, but have you ever known a girl who thought all was rosy while going out with the guy then at some point discovers he's been two faced and regrets ever going out with the guy?
I know people should learn from their own mistakes, but im her friend, and i feel a bit obligated to tell her about it, but my question was how do i go about it without sounding like im trying to break them up or ruin things for them?
there really is no point debating "what he actually meant" when he said/did certain things, because im the only one here who actually spent time with him. Quite a lot of time too, hung out like every 2 days for almost a month.
The worst thing is his anger issues, and the fact he insults her behind her back, calls her "unpredictable" and "childish" just because she isnt the submissive type like i said earlier.