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Scared about future with boyfriend

I'm 21 years old and have been in a relationship for the last few months with a guy who is quite a few years older. He is the best thing to happen to me for such a long time - kind, caring, sensitive and loving. Things between us started very slowly and we spent a lot of time getting to know each other before jumping into a relationship, but now that we're together I have never been happier. He constantly tells me he feels the same.

There's just one draw back. He told me a little while ago that, before he met me, he had a fling with a girl who's now pregnant. Whilst he says she's nothing to do with him now, he does want to be involved in his child's life. I completely respect this decision and also respect him for being honest with me, but at the same time, as the birth of the baby gets nearer I am getting really, really scared.

It really scares me that something so momentous is happening in his life which I'm not even a part of. I know it's inevitable that he'll be spending a lot of time with the child and its mother once its born, and with me being away at uni I am getting worried and insecure about his feelings towards her changing. In this child, she has a bond with him that I can't ever compete with. We have a relationship that is almost too good to be true and I'm so worried that when his baby is born it's all going to come crashing down. Being with him has got me through a difficult couple of months in my life and I'm terrified of losing him. I hope we can get through this together and that I can support him; but it's so far out of my control that I'm terrified.

Any thoughts or advice? Anyone been through anything similar? Is there any way I can make myself feel better? How can I best support him now? I am so scared and there's nothing I can do...

Reply 1

Jack0

To be blunt, I don't think there is an awful lot you can do and therefore try not to feel too down about the situation. You are clearly into this guy and my advice would be to offer him support and let him know you are there for him while you're at Uni. I don't think the baby will change his feelings towards you but you must expect that his priorities may shift towards supporting the mother and child - financially and taking time to look after his son/daughter.

So things might turn out alright and you two carry on as before which is great. However, I don't think you should get your hopes up and this baby will change things. It doesn't help you being away at Uni but things are out of your control and it's really his call as to how the relationship pans out. If things do come 'crashing down' then take comfort in the reality that it really wasn't your fault, just circumstances that were completely beyond your control.

Sorry to be all pestimistic - I am willing to bet he stays with you though, so don't listen to me!

Reply 2

hippieglitter

If he is not with the childs mother any more thay probably had a good reason for breaking up and it probably happened for the best, he is with you know, if he cares about you as you mentioned he does, he can be involved with his child without getting too close to the mother. If him and the childs mother do end up getting back together it just shows how weak both of them are and I doubt their relationhsip will be up to much.

Tell him how you feel, and he should do his best to put you at ease, he is not going to give up his child and i'm not saying he should but along side the child you are his joint number 1 priority and his job is to make sure you are happy.

Reply 3

Adhsur

Firebird

I personally wouldn't stay with a guy who was having a baby with someone else. I wouldn't want him to spend time with another woman, especially someone he'd slept with. I would also not let him stop spending money on our relationship and start spending it on a baby. Maybe at uni you will find someone else?

:dito:

Reply 4

-sophie-

Adhsur

:dito:

Here, here.

Reply 5

Trousers

I think it's worth considering the baby's feelings in all this. The baby didn't ask to be born into this kind of situation, and it's cruel for anyone to take its dad away for selfish reasons - your boyfriend has a responsibility to the child and this includes spending money on its upkeep and spending time with it. Really, if he loves you then the mother of the baby won't present a problem.

I understand that you're worried about an important part of his life that you feel cut off from, but you're either going to have to deal with it or walk away. If you feel this jealous even before it's been born, perhaps it would be better for the baby and for your own sanity if you just cut your losses now.

Having said that, you're creating a situation in your head that you're not happy with. There's no point in worrying about the way everything might turn out, or the way your boyfriend might start feeling about the mother of his baby: it hasn't happened yet. The best course of action is to calm yourself down, try not to worry about it, and take each day as it comes. If it starts being a problem, deal with it when it arises and don't inflict your feelings on the child.

Reply 6

bewithoutyou

Really agree with what Trousers said.

Reply 7

gemma123

This may sound harsh but I would break up with him and find someone else. I would hate the thought of my boyfriend having a child with someone else and the jelousy would worsen as time went on. Also if you consider having children with him later on it would be awkard explaining to them about their brother/sister and you may end up feeling left out if your own children want contact with him/her. Personally if I was in a serious relationship I would want my partner to spend all his time and money on me and our future,, not another woman and her child.

However if he really makes you happy and you think this child would not bother you,, then stick with him, you can always dump him later if the situation becomes too stressful.