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Losing patience in relationship - not sure how much longer I can go on like this
My girlfriend constantly gets annoyed at my bad habits, one of them is not being attentive enough to notice something straight away. She's essentially built up this image of me that I'm an inconsiderate boyfriend, and that there's little point in telling me what's wrong because "I don't realise what I'm doing or that it won't change anyway" despite everything I've told her about relationships needing communication even if it feels futile.
In some ways, I feel kind of stupid that I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend considering that it's clear that she doesn't respect me anymore on some level (Even if she herself doesn't realise it yet). Chances are I was way too laid back in the relationship, and put too much effort into making the relationship work by speaking up about problems and so fourth.
Last night we had another argument over a small misunderstanding, yet I can't be certain of exactly what because she refuses to tell me. So all I can do is guess, and most likely guess incorrectly.
I'm an extremely patient guy. I've tried making this relationship work by bringing all the problems light, tried to initiate contact after these problems to ensure that we won't end up unofficially breaking up via silence. Yet, I've got to admit I'm starting to lose hope in making this work....
It's just mentally draining even if I really like my girlfriend. I honestly don't know what to do at this stage. If I were to give her one more chance, I know that we'll probably have another argument sometime in the near future (unless there is a dramatic change) so it's pointless saying that.
In some ways, I feel kind of stupid that I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend considering that it's clear that she doesn't respect me anymore on some level (Even if she herself doesn't realise it yet). Chances are I was way too laid back in the relationship, and put too much effort into making the relationship work by speaking up about problems and so fourth.
Last night we had another argument over a small misunderstanding, yet I can't be certain of exactly what because she refuses to tell me. So all I can do is guess, and most likely guess incorrectly.
I'm an extremely patient guy. I've tried making this relationship work by bringing all the problems light, tried to initiate contact after these problems to ensure that we won't end up unofficially breaking up via silence. Yet, I've got to admit I'm starting to lose hope in making this work....
It's just mentally draining even if I really like my girlfriend. I honestly don't know what to do at this stage. If I were to give her one more chance, I know that we'll probably have another argument sometime in the near future (unless there is a dramatic change) so it's pointless saying that.
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the issue with women, I've found, is that they like to think that men are mind-readers. NOBODY is a mind-reader, and if she wants you to notice or pay attention to something, KNOWING you're not the type to notice something immediately, then BRING ATTENTION TO IT THEN WOMAN! *sigh* There is definitely a communication breakdown right now, and ONLY concluding from YOUR side of the story, it's going one way from you to her.
have you tried sitting her down and talking to her about it? I don't blame you at all for being tired of this.
have you tried sitting her down and talking to her about it? I don't blame you at all for being tired of this.
I have.
The problem is that she hates repeating things and having discussions that she feels is pointless because I'll keep doing the wrong thing anyway. Essentially, it feels like she can't accept the fact that I'm flawed and sometimes accidently overlook something that she said earlier.
For me, it's not that much of a problem when she does it to me. But it seems like everytime I do it to her, she builds up this bigger negative image of me that affects her perception and the way she communicates to me.
I've told her beforehand that I need her to communicate otherwise it won't work, and she agreed with me that it's true but she'll slip back to old patterns when really annoyed. Sigh, I wish for once... she'd come to me and try resolve the issue. I'm tired of coming to her for the 20th-30th time whenever these arguments come up. She's meant to be a psychology student as well... she should know all of this already even if it doesn't go indepth into how relationships work.
The problem is that she hates repeating things and having discussions that she feels is pointless because I'll keep doing the wrong thing anyway. Essentially, it feels like she can't accept the fact that I'm flawed and sometimes accidently overlook something that she said earlier.
For me, it's not that much of a problem when she does it to me. But it seems like everytime I do it to her, she builds up this bigger negative image of me that affects her perception and the way she communicates to me.
I've told her beforehand that I need her to communicate otherwise it won't work, and she agreed with me that it's true but she'll slip back to old patterns when really annoyed. Sigh, I wish for once... she'd come to me and try resolve the issue. I'm tired of coming to her for the 20th-30th time whenever these arguments come up. She's meant to be a psychology student as well... she should know all of this already even if it doesn't go indepth into how relationships work.
She needs to understand that you are "only human", perhaps like you've said she' built up this image of you and is finding it hard to see that actually you're not really anything like that.
There'll be a point where you won't be able to get past that but I really hope you find some way to work things out before that happens. Sounds like you really need to make her listen and not just have her nod and agree but not really take it in.
I wish ye luck
There'll be a point where you won't be able to get past that but I really hope you find some way to work things out before that happens. Sounds like you really need to make her listen and not just have her nod and agree but not really take it in.
I wish ye luck
Since last night we had our arguments. We're currently not on talking terms, at least not proper conversations.
Part of me wants to contact her to discuss this right now (however it may backfire)
Another part of me feels that it's better to let things cool off for abit. (But it may just encourage the whole 'unofficial breakup' feeling)
It's just really hard to get in contact at the moment, and I don't know whether she will. And if she does, whether it'll be a case of
"I want to end our relationship. You didn't even contact me during this time period"
Part of me wants to contact her to discuss this right now (however it may backfire)
Another part of me feels that it's better to let things cool off for abit. (But it may just encourage the whole 'unofficial breakup' feeling)
It's just really hard to get in contact at the moment, and I don't know whether she will. And if she does, whether it'll be a case of
"I want to end our relationship. You didn't even contact me during this time period"
Original post by Fizie
She needs to understand that you are "only human", perhaps like you've said she' built up this image of you and is finding it hard to see that actually you're not really anything like that.
There'll be a point where you won't be able to get past that but I really hope you find some way to work things out before that happens. Sounds like you really need to make her listen and not just have her nod and agree but not really take it in.
I wish ye luck
There'll be a point where you won't be able to get past that but I really hope you find some way to work things out before that happens. Sounds like you really need to make her listen and not just have her nod and agree but not really take it in.
I wish ye luck
Thanks. I'll see how it goes over the next few days.
She's pretty much acknowledged herself that she doesn't have much patience (When I got into the relationship. I thought the exact opposite since she was in her 'best behaviour')
Just reminds me a past occasion after an argument.
"Are you seriously telling me that me just speaking will annoy you?"
"Yes"
"Do you realise know how bad that sounds in a relationship?"
"Mmm...."
Maybe it's a case that she has tried to tell you numerous times but because it is a habit you have mentally blocked it out. In an argument my boyfriend will repeat with 'well what have i done wrong' and even though I tell him he doesn't seem to register and will ask me again in 5 minutes.
You need to sit down and listen to her and make sure you let her know that you want to know what it is you do wrong and then let her know you understand. That should reassure her and then you need to tell her that she needs to stop bottling it up and that the only way to work it out is to communicate. If that doesn't work then you should probably move on or you'll end up going around in circles
You need to sit down and listen to her and make sure you let her know that you want to know what it is you do wrong and then let her know you understand. That should reassure her and then you need to tell her that she needs to stop bottling it up and that the only way to work it out is to communicate. If that doesn't work then you should probably move on or you'll end up going around in circles
Original post by Anonymous
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks. I'll see how it goes over the next few days.
She's pretty much acknowledged herself that she doesn't have much patience (When I got into the relationship. I thought the exact opposite since she was in her 'best behaviour')
Just reminds me a past occasion after an argument.
"Are you seriously telling me that me just speaking will annoy you?"
"Yes"
"Do you realise know how bad that sounds in a relationship?"
"Mmm...."
She's pretty much acknowledged herself that she doesn't have much patience (When I got into the relationship. I thought the exact opposite since she was in her 'best behaviour')
Just reminds me a past occasion after an argument.
"Are you seriously telling me that me just speaking will annoy you?"
"Yes"
"Do you realise know how bad that sounds in a relationship?"
"Mmm...."
Aww I'm sorry, it must be awful to not know where you stand. Maybe she doesn't appreciate how hard you find it when she seems so unsettled. If you make her see than then maybe things would change?
I believe you are with someone because you want to be with them, flaws and all. If you can't accept a person's flaws, move on and don't make them miserable trying to live up to your standards.
And believing you have no flaws is a flaw.
And believing you have no flaws is a flaw.
(edited 13 years ago)
I don't think she does it intentionally.
She's fine with other people finding flaws within her. But when you speak up about it, she'll either go extremely quiet or she'll get annoyed. Both reactions are a lose-lose scenario to me when all I want to do is have her listen and really respond to me.
The only time I've had her do so is literally during the various occasions where I've literally broken down into tears, and it's obvious that rather than focusing on me criticising her, she's focused on making me feel better.
In some ways I can admit that I'm a rubbish boyfriend in that I'm forgetful and lazy sometimes. But when it comes to resolving emotional issues in our relationship. I'm always the first one trying to fix it.
We've been together officially for 1 Year and 4 months now. Unofficially, when we were getting closer as friend it'd be 1 Year and 9 Months.
She's fine with other people finding flaws within her. But when you speak up about it, she'll either go extremely quiet or she'll get annoyed. Both reactions are a lose-lose scenario to me when all I want to do is have her listen and really respond to me.
The only time I've had her do so is literally during the various occasions where I've literally broken down into tears, and it's obvious that rather than focusing on me criticising her, she's focused on making me feel better.
In some ways I can admit that I'm a rubbish boyfriend in that I'm forgetful and lazy sometimes. But when it comes to resolving emotional issues in our relationship. I'm always the first one trying to fix it.
We've been together officially for 1 Year and 4 months now. Unofficially, when we were getting closer as friend it'd be 1 Year and 9 Months.
It sounds from that last post than perhaps you need to sit down with her and talk a wee while. Talk really openly and honestly about each other and your own self, taking responsibility for your own flaws. I think sometimes it's quite humbling to see someone talk about their bad points in an open and honest way, it can make you feel closer to the person as a result
Edit: She gets annoyed when flaws are being picked apart, purely because of the atmosphere being negative all around.
Original post by strawberry
I believe you are with someone because you want to be with them, flaws and all. If you can't accept a person's flaws, move on and don't make them miserable trying to live up to your standards.
And believing you have no flaws is a flaw.
And believing you have no flaws is a flaw.
I do agree with what you are saying. However, relationships are to some extent about compromise. So if, like a lot of guys, he doesn't pay attention to certain things, he should try and make the effort to do so. I definitely don't think people should change their fundamental character for others e.g. their outlook on life, ideology, career, moral code. But minor things like doing more housework for example takes little effort and won't ultimately change who you are as a person. As a woman, I well know that it's often the little things that get to us, and little things that a man can at least attempt to accommodate.
Original post by Réglisse
I do agree with what you are saying. However, relationships are to some extent about compromise. So if, like a lot of guys, he doesn't pay attention to certain things, he should try and make the effort to do so. I definitely don't think people should change their fundamental character for others e.g. their outlook on life, ideology, career, moral code. But minor things like doing more housework for example takes little effort and won't ultimately change who you are as a person. As a woman, I well know that it's often the little things that get to us, and little things that a man can at least attempt to accommodate.
I agree with that too ... but by the sounds of it, and I know this is a one-sided account so bear with me, she wants him to notice something immediately when she walks in the room. Guys generally aren't like that. My boyfriend isn't one to notice something new unless it's drastic, so I call attention to it when i want his attention, and I'm pretty sure he's not the only one.
I agree with the house chores and stuff, but I don't think the OP's issue is him not doing enough housework. His girlfriend seems to be in the mindset of "he's not going to change" yet acts impatient with him like she WANTS him to change ... which doesn't work and merely ends in what's happening now - him being sick of it and wondering if he should carry on with this relationship.
Your relationship sounds exhausting. You need to tell her that she needs to speak openly to you, or it is not going to work between you. My bf and I had a big argument thing recently, which we don't ever have, because I was upset about something and started acting up in general and when I was drunk, and didn't speak to him, and he made me sit down and speak to him, and I was so happy he did that because the air is totally clear now and we have properly listened to each other . So force her!
. So force her!Well it's been about two to three days since we last talked properly, ignoring the polite conversations where we are forced to reply due to audience of other people online.
I've texted her once asking whether her to let me know when she was free on the phone, as well calling multiple times such as 8:30, 10:30 and midnight. (Yeah I'm aware that this will make me look extremely clingy)
How do I feel about it all at the moment?
Sadness I guess. I realise it's only been a few days, but when the situation is unclear and nobody is contacting each other. Those few hours of waiting for her to come online, or hoping that she'll pick up the phone just seem like ages. I feel like I should wait for her to contact me instead, but it just gives me a horrible feeling that when she does come to speak to me, it'll basically be to tell me that the relationship is pretty much over. It's a horrible waiting game.
Sigh. Part of me thinks, perhaps this is best for both our the both of us in the long run. But it sucks that our relationship is ending in such a way.
It reminds me of this video. Strangers again... and it sucks.
I've texted her once asking whether her to let me know when she was free on the phone, as well calling multiple times such as 8:30, 10:30 and midnight. (Yeah I'm aware that this will make me look extremely clingy)
How do I feel about it all at the moment?
Sadness I guess. I realise it's only been a few days, but when the situation is unclear and nobody is contacting each other. Those few hours of waiting for her to come online, or hoping that she'll pick up the phone just seem like ages. I feel like I should wait for her to contact me instead, but it just gives me a horrible feeling that when she does come to speak to me, it'll basically be to tell me that the relationship is pretty much over. It's a horrible waiting game.
Sigh. Part of me thinks, perhaps this is best for both our the both of us in the long run. But it sucks that our relationship is ending in such a way.
It reminds me of this video. Strangers again... and it sucks.
I feel bad for you as you obviously want things to work and she seems to have become so short sighted through the misconception that you should understand what she's thinking/feeling all the time. If she can't even have enough respect for you to either talk it out and attempt to rectify the issues in the relationship or just straight out tell you that it's over then she is extremely, extremely unfair regardless of any flaws you have.
Speaking from personal experience I would leave it now, don't contact her any further for now-you have put more than enough effort into getting hold of her.
Speaking from personal experience I would leave it now, don't contact her any further for now-you have put more than enough effort into getting hold of her.
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