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Dealing with death
On December 9th my double bass professor died. I had been studying with him since the age of 12 (I'm almost 17 now) and it's been really, really hard. I didn't know this at the time, but he had been really sick for almost a year before they told us anything. He had lymphoma and liver disease. I miss him so much I can't even say. He taught me everything. I'm everything that I am now because of him. Now I feel like a part of my soul is gone. Part of me is gone and it's never going to be replaced again.
It gets worse though. There's this master-class teacher we have and she knew my teacher for a really long time (+30 years or so) and now she's taken over everything. She had taught our master-class for a year before this year, and now all the other kids in my studio (the kids who studied with my teacher) are going to study with her. The thing is, I can't stand her because it's like she's replacing him and foisting herself on us. I knew him longer than the other kids, so it's particularly tough on me and I don't want her. I just want him to come back even though I know he'll never be able to. The other week I had a lesson with her and she was like "Why don't you want to study with me? Why don't you give me a chance? Oh, I see, you like [the teacher I want to study with now] better."
What do I do? This is so hard. The grief comes in waves. Since he died, I had a few days where I was bogged down by the grief... since then though, I haven't been that affected. For some reason though, today it just crashed down on me and feels awful. I can talk to my family about it, but sometimes I they just say that he'd want me to move on and work hard and continue with my studies and not to be upset. I know that this is true, but still, that doesn't make it any easier!! I can talk to people at the school I take my music classes at, but I only go there once a week for classes so that's not much help. Then there's one great teacher at my regular school who I talk to really often about things. I can talk to him about this.
Even though I have people to talk to and I know my teacher would want me to move on, I feel so upset. I just miss him and I don't understand why God had to take him away.
Has anyone dealt with this before?
It gets worse though. There's this master-class teacher we have and she knew my teacher for a really long time (+30 years or so) and now she's taken over everything. She had taught our master-class for a year before this year, and now all the other kids in my studio (the kids who studied with my teacher) are going to study with her. The thing is, I can't stand her because it's like she's replacing him and foisting herself on us. I knew him longer than the other kids, so it's particularly tough on me and I don't want her. I just want him to come back even though I know he'll never be able to. The other week I had a lesson with her and she was like "Why don't you want to study with me? Why don't you give me a chance? Oh, I see, you like [the teacher I want to study with now] better."
What do I do? This is so hard. The grief comes in waves. Since he died, I had a few days where I was bogged down by the grief... since then though, I haven't been that affected. For some reason though, today it just crashed down on me and feels awful. I can talk to my family about it, but sometimes I they just say that he'd want me to move on and work hard and continue with my studies and not to be upset. I know that this is true, but still, that doesn't make it any easier!! I can talk to people at the school I take my music classes at, but I only go there once a week for classes so that's not much help. Then there's one great teacher at my regular school who I talk to really often about things. I can talk to him about this.
Even though I have people to talk to and I know my teacher would want me to move on, I feel so upset. I just miss him and I don't understand why God had to take him away.
Has anyone dealt with this before?
well i had a similar thing to deal with. well actually no, cos the person i'm gonna talk about, i had never seen in my life. i guess your story is probably worse
my grandmother in india was very very old (about 85 i think) and she always phoned the uk to ask how i was, and always tried to persuade me to come there so she can see her grandson who she has never seen before, and also so i can go and see my grandmother who i have never seen before.
everything just kept prolonging. i kept saying to myself "i'll go india in the next holidays, next holidays, next holidays" but always something came up, like exams usually, and other annoying stuff.
and then i just put my foot down last november that i wil DEFINITELY go in easter (not xmas, since i have exams) and to cut a long story short:
she passed away in december. i was shocked, and felt the biggest regret anyone has ever felt.
hun, it is ok to feel like that. sometimes feeling like that can help you to feel better. but one day, you will realise it has actually made you stronger when u realise there's simply nothing you can do, and the only thing is to move on.
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i don't think thats the best thing to say! she obviously believes in God, and saying something silly which clearly suggests you're an atheist is hardly gonna help her!
my grandmother in india was very very old (about 85 i think) and she always phoned the uk to ask how i was, and always tried to persuade me to come there so she can see her grandson who she has never seen before, and also so i can go and see my grandmother who i have never seen before.
everything just kept prolonging. i kept saying to myself "i'll go india in the next holidays, next holidays, next holidays" but always something came up, like exams usually, and other annoying stuff.
and then i just put my foot down last november that i wil DEFINITELY go in easter (not xmas, since i have exams) and to cut a long story short:
she passed away in december. i was shocked, and felt the biggest regret anyone has ever felt.
hun, it is ok to feel like that. sometimes feeling like that can help you to feel better. but one day, you will realise it has actually made you stronger when u realise there's simply nothing you can do, and the only thing is to move on.
--------------
technik
god didnt take him away. a disease did.
in time the feelings will pass. you just have to carry on with your life. not much more to it.
in time the feelings will pass. you just have to carry on with your life. not much more to it.
i don't think thats the best thing to say! she obviously believes in God, and saying something silly which clearly suggests you're an atheist is hardly gonna help her!
Death is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with, but you have to believe you will get through this. It sounds like you have a lot of support, especially the great teacher at your regular school, who maybe you could talk more with?
People deal with grief in all sorts of way, some block it completely, some cry a lot, some joke about it, basically, the only way you'll get through it is to deal with in the way that suits you best - and you WILL get through it. For me, its keeping myself busy, so that I can't let my mind wander, it might be worth a try?
I just want to say though, the reason people say you should carry on your music is because for you to suceed and improve and get further into music is the best lasting legacy you could leave to your music teacher, and he is looking down on you, like you believe him to be, wouldn't that make him happy? In the end it's up to you, but you will get through this and it will seem like you can deal with things in time
People deal with grief in all sorts of way, some block it completely, some cry a lot, some joke about it, basically, the only way you'll get through it is to deal with in the way that suits you best - and you WILL get through it. For me, its keeping myself busy, so that I can't let my mind wander, it might be worth a try?
I just want to say though, the reason people say you should carry on your music is because for you to suceed and improve and get further into music is the best lasting legacy you could leave to your music teacher, and he is looking down on you, like you believe him to be, wouldn't that make him happy? In the end it's up to you, but you will get through this and it will seem like you can deal with things in time
technik
its obvious the liver disease was the cause of death. get real.
oh forget it. i'm not gonna have one of them "prove the existence of God" debates with you.
and KSPaige: God somtimes takes people away for a reason we just cannot understand. just think of your teacher roaming around the beautiful places in heaven. that should give you a warm feeling inside. sometimes i can just feel as though one day, me and my grandmother will meet up in heaven.
Thanks for the help, everyone. I bet he's very happy in heaven because he can be with his wife again. He can also see all the great conductors and muscians he performed with during his life again. I'm sure that makes him really happy... he can also play bass again. He couldn't in the last 10 years of his life or so due to bad surgery.
Gem: thank you for your kind words. I'm going to study music for my undergraduate work the year after next, so, as you said is important, I'm going to try hard to carry on with everything he would have wanted me to carry on with. Carrying on his legacy is what needs to and will be done by all his students. And I'm going to try talking more to that excellent teacher at my regular school; he's got a heart of gold! We need more people like that in this world!
Gem: thank you for your kind words. I'm going to study music for my undergraduate work the year after next, so, as you said is important, I'm going to try hard to carry on with everything he would have wanted me to carry on with. Carrying on his legacy is what needs to and will be done by all his students. And I'm going to try talking more to that excellent teacher at my regular school; he's got a heart of gold! We need more people like that in this world!
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