TSR DECISIONS DROP IN Q and A NOW OPEN - GET FREE ADVICE HERE >>

I Dont Understand Her

Well I cracked yesterday. Contacted the x. I needed to talk to her as I was going through a rough patch with family and she the only 1 who knew how I could be feeling as she went through it all the time before and after we started to go out.

I contacted her on thursday (text) asking to text or call me when she was free as it was important. She texted back asking what is it to do with. I told her me. She text back asking to call her.
I did so and I asked if she could talk if she wasnt busy. She asked if it was to do with heath or major problem. I said no just give me a call when your free pls.
She said her family was about so she would do when she got time.

She didnt bother calling or texting that day or night.
Yesterday (Friday). I ended up calling her on the way back from hospital. She said she was able to chat, I firstly tried to understand why she just doesnt bother with me no more, so I let it out and asked her. She said shes busy and that I always think too much. It became kind of long and she said im pissing her off as this is the 2nd time ive asked her. I told her well ive been quiet for over a month and youve just become more distant even with my efforts of being a friend. She said shes just busy and doesnt know what to say to me anymore and doesnt know how to handle me as I will gt the wrong idea. In the end it became intense and I let even more out then I firstly should of by saying how she always said I made her feel special and would leave a mark on her life for ever yet shes moved on and just dont care about making as much of an effort.
She blamed me for not letting go then I said I have let go, we live 2 hours apart as it is, its just I needed some one to talk to and your the only one who shared the same experiences but now I dunno what to belive. Mayb you didnt mean the stuff you said.
At that point she got angry and just said mayb we shouldnt be friends and hung up on me.

I went home and a little later I texted her to ask her if she really meant she didnt want to b friends?
She didnt reply, so I text back apologising for calling her a lier but to try and understand me.
She replied as just no.
I asked if she saying no to friendship or no to understanding me.
She said replied as im happy the way things are, its up to you to accept them or not.

I then asked her 'as a friend' - if you had no one to turn to (no family or friends that will understand) and the only person who does, doesnt want to know. What would you do?
She replied as I would deal with it on my own and confide in myself.

At that point it showed me how weak I had really become and how she turned out to the be totaly the opposite person I once Loved.

She doesnt feel the need to care no more or have anything to do with me.
Yes the relationship is over, but I would of expected her to still care.
I mean a person who done everything to keep this person from going astray, to help her through her darkest/hardest moments and she doesnt feel she needs to show some of that back.
While in the relationship she didnt bother to show how much she cared for me in a sense of trying to find out if I was ok. She showed effection and she told me she loved me but not once cared about my well being.
I accepted that as she had events happening weekly in her life, so I would be picking up her pieces to try and mend her and keep her happy. Even through all the neglection and mood swings aimed at me I kept together to make sure she would end up with a smile.

I dont ask her to repay a debt or anything but I just dont understand why she only feels the need to contact me to see if my health is well or if I have a problem in my life. Apart from that she should not take an interest no more.

I wish I never made this mistake in my life.

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

Fenella

I feel for you. There's nothing worse than carrying a torch for your ex when they've moved on. It's easy for us to say "move on" but I know how preoccupied you must be with it all. Time is a great healer and try and hold on to the knowledge that this time next year you'll hopefully be seeing someone else and she'll be history.

Reply 2

What exactly was your problem with the family if you don't mind me asking?

Reply 3

Fenella

Anonymous

What exactly was your problem with the family if you don't mind me asking?

Why are you anonymous? Or are you the ex in question? :eek:

Reply 4

Ilovepuremaths

I know it's hard, but the only thing you can really do is try and move on. You won't be able to change what she's doing, and everytime you try and she acts like this, you will end up more hurt and losing more self confidence.

Sometimes people turn out to be different from how you originally thought they were. This can be for loads of reasons, sometimes people just change through time. If she's had a lot of difficulties in her life it could be related to that.

Whatever the reason, to try to get closer to her again can only be destructive to you, as it's obvious she doesnt want this at the moment. You need to sit back and leave her get on with her life - in the end she may contact you wanting to be friends. Don't sit around waiting for this though, go out, try and have fun and in time it will get easier. The more you think about her and ask her why the harder it'll be for you, especially if she still wont give you straight answers.

Everyone makes mistakes, and remember that time really is the best healer.

Reply 5

q1w2e3r4t5y

Fenella

Why are you anonymous? Or are you the ex in question? :eek:

lol sorry I didn't mean to be anon

Reply 6

fundamentally

Anonymous

Contacted the x....

Yes the relationship is over, but I would of expected her to still care.

She is an EX.
Why should she care ?

Grow up.
Move on with your life.

Reply 7

q1w2e3r4t5y

fundamentally

She is an EX.
Why should she care ?

Grow up. Move on with your life.

Some exs do still stay friends with each other if they left on good terms...

Reply 8

fundamentally

pianist

Some exs do still stay friends with each other if they left on good terms...

Well it sounds like she doesnt want to have him hanging around.
He has got to be mature and move on.

Reply 9

Ilovepuremaths

I don't think 'growing up' would help this situation much.

Reply 10

Well the reason we split was down to her family not accepting me in the long run of the relationship, so out of the blue she made a decission on a day where she was telling me how much she loved me, that its too much stress and I should let go of her as its too hard for her.
Then she says we will still be best friends.
We tried that for over 2 months but got close, then she drifted away. For 2 months now weve kept our distances.

I go out, I have a laugh and I do enjoy myself. I come home and thats when I think about the X. I never contact her unless I feel the need to talk to some one.
Last 6 months my mum was in and out of hospital. Last 3 weeks shes been admitted. I havnt told her this, but I was hoping she would just listen to me.

I really have no one else to talk to - other family members dont care and other friends I just cant open up to.
I was a person who never really opens up and the x is the one who changed that hence why when somethings serious I feel I need to talk to her.

Reply 11

q1w2e3r4t5y

well she doesn't know all this because you haven't told her, because she won't listen, so it's a vicious cycle. Maybe if you wrote her a letter or an email or text her saying it's serious, and then maybe she'll be more inclined to listen. You said that you were once close, and I think she's trying to cover up her feelings towards you and she finds it easier just to shut you out of her life.

Reply 12

picknmixmuncher

Don't write her a letter, text etc. She will think you are using your emotional problems as an excuse to get in touch with her. I now it's harsh.. but she sounds like she just doesn't want to know anymore. You have to accept this and try and move on. Getting in touch with her will drive her further and further away. If you leave it then at a later date she might be more ready for a friendship and even if she doesn't it will be okay because you will have let yourself get over her. Don't try and get in contact with her anymore and try and find someone else you trust to speak about your problems to. You say you go out and have fun and everything - continue with this. Start something new if you need to meet new people/make friends. Perhaps you have an interest you could take up a a hobby? Then you could perhaps meet someone else through this who you are romantically interested in. Or even just someone to confide in. Good luck. I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. It's difficult sometimes but your ex isn't your answer to your current problems. You got to be strong and whenever it comes in to your head, remain rational and try and put it out and distract yourself. Also delete her number - sometimes this helps too.

Reply 13

thanx every 1 for your replies.
I guess you are all right to some extent.

Im just finding it hard as the first person in life that I let in and broke all boundries for ended up hurting me by leaving me but giving me hope that we will be best friends, then totaly more or less excluding me out of her life fully.
I gave so much commitment into a relationship as she wanted to get more serious and I wasnt really serious until she told me, then I do everything possible to adapt to the new ways and with a blink of the eye its over.

I will be more of an outdoor person from now on though. Hopefully my mum will be out by next week. My exams are on monday and tuesday(2nd year uni).
I think tuesdays one I will fail as I aint really prepared.
Next week should look brighter no matter what happens in the next few days.

Reply 14

Ceri327

cant really add nething that other people havent already said, but its good that you're not going to let her hurting u stop u opening up to anyone in the future. i hate opening up to people, makes u vunerable so when u get hurt its even harder, but not all people are going to hurt you. this might not be for you but u cud try keeping a diary, sounds corny but really helps when u have no one that'll understand clears your head too so its not so cluttered up there.

Reply 15

Ive tried friends but it just doesnt work, theres one but I only get to speak to him once every few weeks cause of work etc.

I just recieved a text right now from her - She aplologised for yesterday for being a bitch and said shes always gonna be there for me as I was always there for her unconditionally. She said she might not be herself and tell me her probs but she will always b there for me. She ended it with hope you can forgive me.

Reply 16

Ceri327

I just recieved a text right now from her - She aplologised for yesterday for being a bitch and said shes always gonna be there for me as I was always there for her unconditionally. She said she might not be herself and tell me her probs but she will always b there for me. She ended it with hope you can forgive me.

thats nice though, sounds like she's genuinely sorry and will be there 4u
hope everything works out

Reply 17

justbrowsing

I'm sorry that you're feeling low. Sometimes it'e somewhat tricky to accept something that's actually staring you in the face. I'm afraid that she doesn't want to see you. Despite the fact that you're hurting, your extreme vunerability would only have served to put her of to a greater level. Its evident that this is perhaps not true, but it would certainly seem to her that you are using your 'problems' as an excuse. this is emotional blackmail, and isn't an attractive quality.

She wanted you when she had problems and needed you to help her through them. Perhaps she subconsciously associates you with these traumatic feelings. Memories of yourself may transport her to a place hat she doesn't want to re-visit.

Who am I to tell you? The text you just received may be genuine. But surely she would immediately rush to your side if she cared. A little too late if you ask me, and a little selfish. I mean, you're hardly going to burden her with your problems after she made such a huge fuss about it earlier. And she's fully aware that you may think this. As for saying it was merely 'bitchy', it was downright heartless and selfish.

Do your best to forget about her. Good luck x

Reply 18

fundamentally

Anonymous

when somethings serious I feel I need to talk to her.

"when somethings serious I feel I need to talk to her".
The relationship is OVER, OVER, OVER !
Talk to a counsellor or a brick wall. She is not the appropriate person to hound and harass. If you are not careful, she will take out an ASBO on you.

I have been hounded by ex-boyfriends and it is horrible. I was THAT close to having an Anti Social Behaviour Order taken out on one who was a really persistent pest and kept emailing, texting, phoning and writing, long after the relationship was over. I actually told him that if I got one more message from him, I would get an ASBO and only then did he stop.

Reply 19

Profesh

If she seems to be ignoring you then, judging by the circumstances of your separation, it is because she loves you too much to suffer further involvement in your affairs outside the context of a relationship. Please respect that your persistence can serve only to aggravate a situation which is already, for her, emotionally untenable; and, if you truly care for her, endeavour to let things lie.