The Student Room Group

Everything is wrong

Firstly, today I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year. We were doing the long distance thing but neither of us wanted to keep it up for the whole of university, as we think now's the time to be apart and decide if we really want to be with each other. It was fine in the first term, but lately there have been arguments and I just felt now was the time to spend time apart. However, I've actually just cried all day, despite him being great about it and understanding the decision. I know we can (and will) stay friends but I love him sooo much and it's tough.. *sob*.

Then my parents, who have barely spoken (or slept in the same bed) for years, had a huuuge row about me (I got upset with my mum yesterday and I think my dad thought I had a point) which spiralled out of control. My mum finally lost it and told him she was gonna leave him. I've known this was her plan for months, but there are complications with our house and things which have stopped her. I actually thought that would be better, I just wanted them both to split up properly and be happy. I've never seen her this angry though, she was screaming and throwing things at my dad and stuff, and the hatred between my parents was a sad thing to see. My relationship with my parents isn't great, and even though I feel bad for both of them I have no idea what to say, especially as the argument wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me.

Plus tomorrow I'm going back to uni almost a week early as I'm reeeally behind with my work, need to concentrate and stuff. Not only does this mean I'm leaving my parents in this situation, but I am really really down and have no idea how I'm going to get a hell of a lot of work done for Friday.

I know it's a pretty lame problem, but any kind of comfort or advice would be just great right now :frown:.

Cxx
:hugs:

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. Even if you know it is for the best, it's still hard, and will take a bit of time to get used to. It took me ages to get over my ex, but now I'm at uni I'm glad I'm single for the moment. You're in an enviable situation anyway - there's plenty of talent at Bristol once you feel able to enjoy it! :wink:

As for your parents, it's probably better that you stay out of it anyway. And please don't blame yourself for this argument. If they haven't been happy together for years, anything could have set it off. It just so happened to be something you said, but to be honest, what "started" the argument probably has nothing to do with the argument itself. It's just a lot of pent-up feelings surfacing, and everything has come to a head. Hopefully once you get back to uni you'll be with your friends again and you'll be able to throw yourself headfirst into your degree and social life and try to forget about things a bit.

Try not to blame yourself for any of it, because it's clearly not your fault. You're just stuck in the middle of it all.
Heya. Its not a lame problem (well, problems.)
I can sympathise with the whole long distance boyfriend thing, I know how awful that situation can be :knuddel:
(Sorry, that was the closest smily i could find to a hug!)
I hope you feel better soon, I suppose when things get really bad, you just have to think that eventually they have to get better, its a law of nature, they just will! :smile:
Lots of love...
cxx :smile:
Edit: Not hijacking. Just liking the whingy lawyers thang.

I am starting my revision today for my exams on monday and tuesday.
I have work from 10-5 tomorrow.

My grandad is in the country for one day (tomorrow) and he had a heart attacl recently sodoesnt have long to live.

A waitress keeps stroking me and however much I tell her she is a silly aussie bint she keeps coming back (quote: "i like a smart arse". Quote quote: "I like slim arses")

Im on TSR so might never start my revision for aforementioned law exams.

Ive had 15 hours sleep in the past 72 hours, worked 4 shifts at work and been t two parties. Im *****ed.
hey ciara, it's ok, if you wanna chat or anything you can always come round to my room, im going back tomorrow too. As for the boyfriend thing, I know it is such a hard situation to deal with. I think the best thing to do is to see how this term does go alone, be friends with him still, but don't see him for a few months or this term, then you will both know whether you really do miss each other, or whether it was just the fact that youre used to being together keeping you there. It is really hard at first, but you just need to concentrate on other things while at uni, it will be easier at uni when you are busy all the time. Tho it never is easy, keep the chin up, and remember you broke up as friends, not because you hurt each other, and that is to be proud of. The only thing to do really is to wait, but if you do still really miss him...tell him that, don't keep it all inside.

Sorry I cant help with the parent thing. It's horrible hearing them shout, but you won't be there to hear it soon, I know that doesn't make it go away, but atleast you won't be in the middle as much.

Was it your decision to break up? I have pm'd you my email address if you wanna add me to msn feel free.

luv nix x
Reply 5
You say its been planned for months about your parents splitting up, therefore you shouldn't blame yourself for the argument even if it did start about you,
The argument will soon be forgotten im sure, because if there having a rough time then there bound to be short tempered.
As for your bf, you got to realise if its something that wasn't going to work out then its best you get out of it sooner rather than later.
Besides maybe him and you will find away to make it work, as its just the distance which is stopping you right now.
If you do decide to forget it and try to move on DONT go diving in with the first guy who remotley shows interest in you, in a attempt to get over your ex,
Its the worse thing you can do, many here may say "get out there find another guy plenty of talent"
But its the worst idea possible in a short space of time.
such a problem is not lame.... its really serious stuff.... i think you should speak with your parents about this, calmly and make them understand, and if there is even a hint of an argguement, then let them know they are not discussing stuff here. It is hard but its about their future and about your future, which will be adversly affected if they slit up... I guess thats the best way to a solution because the more you thiink the more it will hurt you and the more it will affect you work in studies etc.

So just speak to them....

and about you b/f ... its ok if you broke up.. but if you both have half-heartedly split-up, then i may say it wasn't the most wise thing to do... :frown: ... but wats done is done.. so try to get over him and start a new 'season'.

u can pm me if you wud like to talk more aabout this... and then i can give u my email.

ciao and take care !
Phonicsdude
Edit: Not hijacking. Just liking the whingy lawyers thang.

I am starting my revision today for my exams on monday and tuesday.
I have work from 10-5 tomorrow.

My grandad is in the country for one day (tomorrow) and he had a heart attacl recently sodoesnt have long to live.

A waitress keeps stroking me and however much I tell her she is a silly aussie bint she keeps coming back (quote: "i like a smart arse". Quote quote: "I like slim arses")

Im on TSR so might never start my revision for aforementioned law exams.

Ive had 15 hours sleep in the past 72 hours, worked 4 shifts at work and been t two parties. Im *****ed.


Dude, you should really hit that revision - UCL law exams are supposed to pretty hard! Everyone on my corridor in halls last year were lawyers and most of them worked mentally hard, yet none of them got a first even though some of them were exceptionally clever, especially this one guy from Eton. Anyhows, sorry to everyone for going off the point. Good luck with your exams! :smile:
Reply 8
Aww huni, *big hug*

Remember what you said about your parents - being apart will mean that they will be happier (and thus you will be too), so a little pain now is essential for long term happiness for all three of you.

You and your boyfriend should just see how it goes over the next few months. If you really miss him, then there's always the option of getting back together? At least that way, you'll know he's definately the one for you.

Chin up mate, just remember - everything happens for a reason and it will make you stronger as a person.

PD- i feel your pain. Got mid-sessionals of monday and am nowhere near prepared enough (well, im prepared to fail if that counts :frown: ) Pratik is right, UCL Law is tough (actually, UCL anything is tough) so screw the parties this weekend, plenty of time for that later. Hit the books and you'll love yourself for it later. Good luck.
Reply 9
life sucks. nothing ever seems to go to plan.
Reply 10
Hey Ciara, so sorry to hear things have gone a bit crappy recently. Break ups are always hard, especially when you've given the extra effort of putting it through the distance. Everyone will say this, but its true: it will get easier, you will feel better about it and you will move in. It takes time obviously, but it will happen. And it is possible to keep that bond you have, just as friends. The pressure will ease off, as you're not trying to maintain a LDR anymore, but you still get the closeness that is bound to follow after being in a relationship with someone for so long. You might get together again, you might just stay good friends, but either way he will still be in your life and surely thats the most important thing?

Perhaps having these exams to revise for will help: Just throw yourself into revision for the next week and try not to think about the ex too much. A hard thing to do I know, but the distraction will be good for you.

Try not to panic about these exams. I know everyone wants to do well in exams, but it sounds like you've had a tough few days and not everyone is perfect, you can't just carry on regardless with that happening around you. Can you talk to a personal tutor? I know you won't want to use your parents arguments as an excuse but sometimes it is ok to ask for help. :smile:

As other people said, do NOT blame yourself for your parents arguement. If this was going to happen, anything could have triggered it, not you. They won't be blaming you at all, and you shouldn't blame yourself. As you said, perhaps things could be better now they're not under the same roof. Try not to feel guilty for going back to uni either. You're on a hugely competitve course at a great uni; you've worked hard to get there and your parents will be immensely proud for you getting your place - they wouldn't want you not to go back at all.

Hope things get better for you, its a shame this has all happened at the same time, but things will get better, even though its hard to see it now. I know i've only met you once for like 5 seconds, but you seemed lovely and if you ever need someone to talk to, it would be great to meet up again! Big hugs :hugs: xxx
Reply 11
Ciara

I know exactly where you're coming from with the parents issue, i'm going through the same thing these hols, my parents are divorcing, after many years of sh*t, and it's going to be so tough for me. Like you, i'm ALWAYS the one in the middle and tbh i'm fed up of it.
In your situation don't feel bad about it one bit i'd say, you've done nothing wrong.
The situation will sort itself out, i'm sure of it, and tbh it's best to be away from it, as it's only more stress and pressure, that i myself need to get away from again. Concentrate on your exams i'd say, and i'm sure you'll be fine

So anyway, there's nothing profound i can say, because there never is to be fair, just that it'd be great to see you back up at Badock Bar sometime. :biggrin:
Haha, so many Bristol people! Well at least you know that some of these internet people comforting you are only a few minutes away! We should all do something fun together.
Reply 13
Ciara.
1. I wholeheartedly agree with all the others who have said that you have not made a lame point.
2. My sympathy to you over your relationship difficulties - in time, your feelings will resolve themselves.
3. If I were in your shoes - I would be absolutely livid with both my parents. I'm assuming here that you love both of them, and whatever transpires in their relationship would happen with or without your prescence.
But, as seems to me, to use you as an excuse to bring matters to a head is absolutely inexcusable imho.
Their failure to co-exist in harmony is their own fault. Not yours. Tell them so.
Reply 14
Awww thanks everyone, especially all you lovely Bristol folk - it is really comforting to know that there are such sweet people nearby!

I am back at uni now, got a lift with my dad, but before we left mum came and said to me that she had a lawyer and was gonna move out asap, and that she'd come and see me in Bristol soon.

I agree with all of you people telling me I should leave them to it. However, I am an only child, and really feel obliged to at least try to help. It's impossible to just watch this happen, especially when they're both really stubborn and I actually know that I could help. I had a 3 hour car journey with just my dad today, and we talked a lot about the whole divorce thing. Now normally when my parents row I am fiercely supporting my mum: my dad frequently behaves like a complete arsehole, and he and I have had some really really terrible arguments in the past (I even temporarily moved out once as I really couldn't stand to be in the same house as such an idiot), but today I felt so sorry for him. He seemed really sad and resigned to it. He has 2 friends in the world (typical old man): one lives in America and the other is the husband of my mum's friend, so he reckons he might lose them too cos it would be 'awkward' for them as they are both older friends with my mum. He has no family except for a sister who resents him and I feel like I'm all he's got left. I warned my dad that my mum was serious, she had a lawyer etc just because I'm concerned that she's so angry that she'll try to screw him over financially. He was saying he was worried he'd never see me again so I promised him I'd keep in touch which seemed to help. He told me a lot of family history I didn't know about which explains a lot about why he is why he is, but also said that marrying my mum was probably a mistake for both of them, mum's long term boyfriend had dumped her and she was on the rebound etc, which did kind of hurt. Today was one of the only times that my dad and I have ever talked frankly about something, but it has really got to me...I think this is going to hit him worse than anyone. I am not trying to change this, I think divorce would be a good option for them, I was just trying to be positive about it all, and it seemed to help my dad (I thought he was going to cry at one point which was horrible cos he's the most cold and unemotional person ever).

Then I spoke to my mum on MSN tonight and she was saying how dad clearly couldn't care less etc, but since I knew this wasn't the case I had to tell her that he seemed upset. They never talk to each other about feelings, but they do talk to me so I really feel I should let them know it's not as bad as they seem to believe. She asked me if I could persuade dad to get some kind of medical help (we believe he's been depressed for years, but is possibly just highly irrational). She said she had always hoped they would find some way to cope and spend old age together: they've been married for 28 years and she wanted them to stay together and for him to get help. This came as news to me, I thought she couldn't stand him! Several times over the past few years I've advised her to leave my dad, cos he has been seriously nasty sometimes and the rows were too much, and she told me I had been right all along :frown:.

They have both apologised for me being at all involved in their 'nastiness', but I really feel I could help come to some kind of arrangement better than anyone - certainly better than some money-grabbing solicitor (yes, I know, I'm gonna be one in 5 years..!). I have sooo much on my mind at the moment, but I really want to help them. Sorry for the very long post but I needed to let that out.