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Parents who are barely human
This is just going to be a huge long rant so don't mind me. I just feel right now that everything is pointless. I'm working really hard so I can get to Oxford, yet everything I do is counteracted by my deceitful, hurting, repulsive mother. She is an alcoholic and managed to stay sober for almost a year, but on the 2nd January she started drinking and she literally hasn't stopped. She hasn't been working properly since November because of her 'depression' and I'm frightened she's going to get the sack because she's done this every year (literally) since I was 11. She has absolutely no regard for me. I took away her purse this morning so that she couldn't go out and buy drink, which she called 'taking away her rights'. She spent four hours cursing, blackmailing and generally annoying me so that I would give in and give her the purse. I eventually caved in and she's just gone out and I've locked the door and told her I won't let her in until 6. The only reason I gave in is because I have A2 exams, which I haven't prepared for properly because I've been too ****ing stressed, and I cannot afford to have any more time wasted. My Dad is of no help since he is also an alcoholic and doesn't understand the pain it causes, and has never aided me when my Mum is like this (when I was as young as 12 he would leave me in the house alone with her until 11 or 12 at night). He also has an ego trip and has tried his best to suppress me intellectually by constantly comparing me to himself: "When I was your age, I had read X, Y and Z", "Why isn't your German fluent like mine?" "Oh, Oxford don't want you for 2006? That's not very good is it? I got into Cambridge when I was 16" I don't have any siblings to talk to and the few friends I feel I can trust (trust is a big issue with me, quite obvious given my life) enough to tell them stuff I don't want to tell them about this because I don't want to stress them out. Plus it's so humiliating - why can't I have normal parents? I really feel like I'm on the verge of messing up this entire year, and even if I get through it I don't know how I'm going to survive the majority of the next 2 years with my parents without going completely mental. The future seems so bleak since I don't know if I'll be able to get the grades nor raise the funds for University, since I don't have a penny to my name and the money I received from my Grandad's will when I was 11 was all spent on drink and cigarettes.
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I have a few friends who's parents are chronic alcoholics and I know the extent to which it can affect them at times. The best I can do is that if you've managed to get an offer from Oxford with all that going on then you must be mae of sterner stuff than you give yourself credit for. You've only got a few months to go and I'm sure you'll get through it. As to next year, I suppose you could look for a fair amount of part-time work and maybe see about getting a place of your own. Good luck, anyway. 
Hi there, firstly can I just say I really feel for you, my mum is an alcoholic and my sister was a drug addict so I can understand your situation. It's totally out of order what your parents are doing to you... you should be really proud you have got as far as you have without their help. Parents should be understanding, but yours, like mine, are the total opposite - and more of a hindrance than help. If you have no friends or other family you could stay with while you study, the best I can suggest is going to the library everyday just so you can concentrate without being bothered.
Feel free to PM me - I really do understand how you are feeling and know how hard it is x
Feel free to PM me - I really do understand how you are feeling and know how hard it is x
You poor thing, well done on doing so well.
I cant pretend I can even imagine what its like to be in your situation, but on the money side of things, I fund myself (except fees) and I manage it - I work 20-22hours a week, and its REALLY hard but I got a 1:1 last year. Its worth it.
If your parents dont work / work less you will get more loan and be exempt or have reduced fees.
I hope you do ok, you deserve it. Be selfish, think about you and achieve for you and your future xxxxxxxx love elle
I cant pretend I can even imagine what its like to be in your situation, but on the money side of things, I fund myself (except fees) and I manage it - I work 20-22hours a week, and its REALLY hard but I got a 1:1 last year. Its worth it.
If your parents dont work / work less you will get more loan and be exempt or have reduced fees.
I hope you do ok, you deserve it. Be selfish, think about you and achieve for you and your future xxxxxxxx love elle
Thanks guys. I've calmed down a tiny bit now but it's really hard to concentrate on revising. The library advice was good - I think I'll go to my college's library for the remainder of my study leave. It's usually really busy there but I'd prefer to have chatting people than my mother.
I'm pretty sure I won't qualify for any financial assistance because my parents do earn a decent amount when they are at work, and the dire financial situation they've burdened me with is due to how they spend their money.
I'm pretty sure I won't qualify for any financial assistance because my parents do earn a decent amount when they are at work, and the dire financial situation they've burdened me with is due to how they spend their money.
Wow, you have every right to be angry with your parents for this. Are they getting any help for their alcoholism? If not, perhaps you should get in touch with social services.
Congratulations on your Oxford offer. They obviously believe in you, so you must do your best to get there! Now, your home situation has been going on for a long time, and you should be focusing on yourself and your future. When I was studying for my A-levels, I used to stay at college until 6 o'clock most nights to work in the library, and my dad used to pick me up on his way home from work. I only did that because of all the extra resources available in the library, and because I had no MSN or siblings to distract me there, but it still made a massive difference. Another thing I can suggest is that you talk to your friends. Don't go into loads of detail, just say to a friend you trust that you're having problems at home, and would it be ok if you revise together at their house? I used to do this with a couple of my friends, and as long as you're not likely to distract each other it can work really well. You can sit there companionably revising, and if you need a break, you can test each other on what you know.
As for university funding, if you go to Oxford you'll be taking a gap year, so I suggest you move out and rent a room somewhere cheap, perhaps in a student house. Then you can get a job and save up money to help you through university. It will be hard, but I'm sure you can do it. Good luck!
PS - if you want any English-specific revision tips, PM me and I'll give you some ideas.
Congratulations on your Oxford offer. They obviously believe in you, so you must do your best to get there! Now, your home situation has been going on for a long time, and you should be focusing on yourself and your future. When I was studying for my A-levels, I used to stay at college until 6 o'clock most nights to work in the library, and my dad used to pick me up on his way home from work. I only did that because of all the extra resources available in the library, and because I had no MSN or siblings to distract me there, but it still made a massive difference. Another thing I can suggest is that you talk to your friends. Don't go into loads of detail, just say to a friend you trust that you're having problems at home, and would it be ok if you revise together at their house? I used to do this with a couple of my friends, and as long as you're not likely to distract each other it can work really well. You can sit there companionably revising, and if you need a break, you can test each other on what you know.
As for university funding, if you go to Oxford you'll be taking a gap year, so I suggest you move out and rent a room somewhere cheap, perhaps in a student house. Then you can get a job and save up money to help you through university. It will be hard, but I'm sure you can do it. Good luck!
PS - if you want any English-specific revision tips, PM me and I'll give you some ideas.
Selfishness is the way forwards (unfortunately). Try to only think about yourself and your needs, however hard that is, at least in terms of revision.
I can sympathis to a certain extent - though alcohol wasn't involved, things were very difficult with my parents leading up to my A-levels. But I managed to pass them and I don't think I'm anything like as tough as you sound
I can sympathis to a certain extent - though alcohol wasn't involved, things were very difficult with my parents leading up to my A-levels. But I managed to pass them and I don't think I'm anything like as tough as you sound
Emancipate yourself from your parents then seek financial support from the state and emotional support from your friends.
Not really feasible for you to live like this.
Not really feasible for you to live like this.
susiemakemeblue
Wow, you have every right to be angry with your parents for this. Are they getting any help for their alcoholism? If not, perhaps you should get in touch with social services.
Congratulations on your Oxford offer. They obviously believe in you, so you must do your best to get there! Now, your home situation has been going on for a long time, and you should be focusing on yourself and your future. When I was studying for my A-levels, I used to stay at college until 6 o'clock most nights to work in the library, and my dad used to pick me up on his way home from work. I only did that because of all the extra resources available in the library, and because I had no MSN or siblings to distract me there, but it still made a massive difference. Another thing I can suggest is that you talk to your friends. Don't go into loads of detail, just say to a friend you trust that you're having problems at home, and would it be ok if you revise together at their house? I used to do this with a couple of my friends, and as long as you're not likely to distract each other it can work really well. You can sit there companionably revising, and if you need a break, you can test each other on what you know.
As for university funding, if you go to Oxford you'll be taking a gap year, so I suggest you move out and rent a room somewhere cheap, perhaps in a student house. Then you can get a job and save up money to help you through university. It will be hard, but I'm sure you can do it. Good luck!
PS - if you want any English-specific revision tips, PM me and I'll give you some ideas.
Congratulations on your Oxford offer. They obviously believe in you, so you must do your best to get there! Now, your home situation has been going on for a long time, and you should be focusing on yourself and your future. When I was studying for my A-levels, I used to stay at college until 6 o'clock most nights to work in the library, and my dad used to pick me up on his way home from work. I only did that because of all the extra resources available in the library, and because I had no MSN or siblings to distract me there, but it still made a massive difference. Another thing I can suggest is that you talk to your friends. Don't go into loads of detail, just say to a friend you trust that you're having problems at home, and would it be ok if you revise together at their house? I used to do this with a couple of my friends, and as long as you're not likely to distract each other it can work really well. You can sit there companionably revising, and if you need a break, you can test each other on what you know.
As for university funding, if you go to Oxford you'll be taking a gap year, so I suggest you move out and rent a room somewhere cheap, perhaps in a student house. Then you can get a job and save up money to help you through university. It will be hard, but I'm sure you can do it. Good luck!
PS - if you want any English-specific revision tips, PM me and I'll give you some ideas.
Thanks for the help, again. I haven't got any English A2 exams so that's at least one thing off my plate. The irony of the situation is my Mum IS a social worker. She deals with little kids with messed up parents, and the only reason she hasn't been sacked (I think) is because she is apparently the only competant person at her work. However she obviously has no clue where her own life is concerned, and the fact that she is supposedly the best person at her work (she keeps getting huge caseloads because nobody else is any good in her team, which is one of the contributing factors to her going mental) does not give me great faith in social services in general. My Mum goes to AA meetings, which she has done for the past year, but it doesn't seem to be working. She also had a spell in rehab last year, which did help, so maybe she ought to do that again.
i know exactly what you are going through....well not with the whole AS thing but yeah with the rest i am, pm if you want or whatever
md_red_uk
Emancipate yourself from your parents then seek financial support from the state and emotional support from your friends.
Not really feasible for you to live like this.
Not really feasible for you to live like this.
I thought emancipation was only possibly when you can prove you can financially support yourself without welfare, which I can't.
yelwalkietalkie
I thought emancipation was only possibly when you can prove you can financially support yourself without welfare, which I can't.
Your parents clearly are intelligent, well your dad anyway - so I should imagine they have pretty decent jobs. But just remember you are off to Oxford, I got 5 rejections, yet you seem to have been universally loved by the univeristies: you should be proud of yourself. I think being away from home when you do go will be very salutory for your mental health.
I think what you have achieved is absolutely amazing, and you should never doubt yourself. You got in to Oxford and that is something to be truly proud of, and moreover you did it living like you are. So, there is always some light at the end of the tunnel!
Financially, despite your parents have decent jobs, I am sure you can still get the 75% of the full loan amount as the other 25% is means tested. (Correct me if I am wrong). Finally, Oxford would never let somebody as good as you drop out of uni due to financial reasons. They are rich! They will give you bursaries, you will just have to talk in confidence with somebody about your situation!
Another factor is that you have deferred entry. I would try to get a job in your gap year and work as much are you can to earn some money. Try to get something relevant to your degree too.
Your parents cannot do this to you anymore, they should be so proud of you for achieving this and it must drain what little self confidence you do have left! I really do not know what you can do now..I mean if it was me I think I would emancipate myself because happiness is everything in life. You would probably struggle financially but it seems no more than you are now & you would have your own peace & quiet! Is there nobody (i.e friends) that you can talk to or any relatives who might help out? Otherwise I am sure the state will help you tremendously...and your parents might just come round to their senses and see what they are doing to you! It really needs to stop now. They need more help than they are getting.
As for exam technique; have you discussed it with your teachers etc to gain more help? Spend as much time as possible out of the house at the moment revising after school/at library etc as you need to do well.. but remember theres a long way until June right now..and so you will have time to wonder what to do to improve your situation.
You got 6 offers, you are bright and have a wonderful future. No matter what anybody says and no matter what situation you are put under, you will become a lot stronger when you overcome it all. Don't let your father put you down..don't let anybody for that matter. If anything use this as an incentive to spur you on, and go to Oxford have a brilliant career and life. Learn from their mistakes. But do realise they surely need help too. Don't worry about finance, there's always something out there to cover the costs as a student. It's the best financial investment you can make (going to university). The best of luck with your exams..
Gemx!
Financially, despite your parents have decent jobs, I am sure you can still get the 75% of the full loan amount as the other 25% is means tested. (Correct me if I am wrong). Finally, Oxford would never let somebody as good as you drop out of uni due to financial reasons. They are rich! They will give you bursaries, you will just have to talk in confidence with somebody about your situation!
Another factor is that you have deferred entry. I would try to get a job in your gap year and work as much are you can to earn some money. Try to get something relevant to your degree too.
Your parents cannot do this to you anymore, they should be so proud of you for achieving this and it must drain what little self confidence you do have left! I really do not know what you can do now..I mean if it was me I think I would emancipate myself because happiness is everything in life. You would probably struggle financially but it seems no more than you are now & you would have your own peace & quiet! Is there nobody (i.e friends) that you can talk to or any relatives who might help out? Otherwise I am sure the state will help you tremendously...and your parents might just come round to their senses and see what they are doing to you! It really needs to stop now. They need more help than they are getting.
As for exam technique; have you discussed it with your teachers etc to gain more help? Spend as much time as possible out of the house at the moment revising after school/at library etc as you need to do well.. but remember theres a long way until June right now..and so you will have time to wonder what to do to improve your situation.
You got 6 offers, you are bright and have a wonderful future. No matter what anybody says and no matter what situation you are put under, you will become a lot stronger when you overcome it all. Don't let your father put you down..don't let anybody for that matter. If anything use this as an incentive to spur you on, and go to Oxford have a brilliant career and life. Learn from their mistakes. But do realise they surely need help too. Don't worry about finance, there's always something out there to cover the costs as a student. It's the best financial investment you can make (going to university). The best of luck with your exams..
Gemx!
I am the same, my mother has had her problems down the years and so has my dad My parents are not a patch on me intelligence-wise though, so they can't condescend me. 
Things have kind of gone from very bad to worse and now my exams are only a week away and I haven't revised properly because I've been too damn worried. The one day I tried to stop her from drinking by taking all money off her, she tried to top herself on aspirin and the police came to college to try and take me to visit her in hospital. I declined. Possibly one of the most demeaning moments of my life. There's really no let up and if I'm honest, if she had managed to top herself it would be more a relief than anything else. That makes me seem like a terrible person, doesn't it?
I would say keep working hard for yourself. It's a shame that some people have to go the extra mile and put in so much extra work, but it will be worth it.
Of course it's natural to hate your parents sometimes when they do this to themselves, and to you. I live in a family full of alcoholics, and I know it's hard. Luckily for me, my dad has got through his problem, so my immediate family is OK now.
It's hard, but you have to try and remember that what they say and what they do to hurt you is the drink, not them. I really don't know the best way to help them, as it's clearly a case of needing expert help. I'd say do what you need to do to succeed, don't let them affect you too badly, but still be there for them.
I know that's an easier-said-than-done ramble. But while they didn't need to pick up a bottle in the first place, fact is that they can't put it down so easily now. As I said before, some people get dealt a rubbish hand. But it will get better.
that made it even more rambley, sorry.
Of course it's natural to hate your parents sometimes when they do this to themselves, and to you. I live in a family full of alcoholics, and I know it's hard. Luckily for me, my dad has got through his problem, so my immediate family is OK now.
It's hard, but you have to try and remember that what they say and what they do to hurt you is the drink, not them. I really don't know the best way to help them, as it's clearly a case of needing expert help. I'd say do what you need to do to succeed, don't let them affect you too badly, but still be there for them.
I know that's an easier-said-than-done ramble. But while they didn't need to pick up a bottle in the first place, fact is that they can't put it down so easily now. As I said before, some people get dealt a rubbish hand. But it will get better.
that made it even more rambley, sorry.
yelwalkietalkie
The future seems so bleak since I don't know if I'll be able to get the grades nor raise the funds for University, since I don't have a penny to my name and the money I received from my Grandad's will when I was 11 was all spent on drink and
cigarettes.
cigarettes.
Finances:
Many of the colleges ( including Pembroke ) have generous bursaries.
I would email the bursar at Pembroke and explain your situation. His name is John Church and you can email him at [email protected] . I dont know him personally but I have found that bursars tend to be really decent people ( I have dealt with a number of them ! )
It may be worthwhile to attach a copy of your post and say something to the effect of :"This is something I posted in an internet forum about my home situation"
I know of a couple of others in your situation who are being helped financially by their colleges.
Pembroke is not rich by Oxford standards but does have funds. Their latest annual appeal raised nearly 300,000 pound.
Psychological help:
You should get psychological help for yourself. I have found Alateen very useful. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/alateen.html
"Alateen ..... helps families and friends of alcoholics recover from the effects of living with the problem drinking of a relative or friend. Alateen is our recovery program for young people."
Study support:
You should check on whether your school and the exam board have any special provisions for those who are disadvantaged. I am afraid that I dont know too much about this area. I wish that I could help more, but I am just a sucker....
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