The Student Room Group

Too Young To Marry?

My fella and i love each other more than imaginable and have been through so much, yet still want to spend our lives together. we've been together for a year and a half, i was his first, and although he wasn't mine, he is coming to terms with it well, realising he has been my first for many many deeper things.
We have not yet discussed it in depth, but he may propose to me next year, once i am in university. of course we wouldn't actually marry until we're finished with uni, he has a year left and i'll have three, during which time he'll either begin a masters or do a law conversion. so, while im still studying, he can ake preparations to support me and start a life with me etc. finances will not be an issue as we will both work, and we dont intend to have kids until late 20's.
now all this was perfect until he found out he wasn't my first (very messy situation, i know, i should never have lied... but he's so perfect! gorgeous, money, car, innocent...) he is coming to terms with it, but he found out in such a way that there were extremely graphic details involved, and it has scarred him. i am still the love of his life (i'm certain of it, he's confirmed it) but sometimes spontaneous thoughts and images haunt him and really hurt him and it's a bit difficult to calm him down, but he eventually does and apologises etc... i'm thinking of going to get councilling with him...
Anywayyyyy i think i'm going on a bit.
basically, i want to be with him in such a way that he wouldnt even dare try to compare himself to anyone else, and i can hold on to him forever, but sometimes when he loses it i can't cope either. he was so innocent and i have taken away was his perfection. what should i do?

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Reply 1
he should trust you.. it seems he goes all weird because he thinks of you in all these, uh, nice situations with other people, and it freaks him out to think about them, and how one day they might happen again. also, the fact that you lied to him about him being your first probably messed him up a bit, but hopefully he will properly come to terms with that and realise how much he means to you.
i don't know if you have tried to reassure him, but if he is going to keep having random spazes at you, then it seems a bit silly. if you are going to get annoyed because of these random moments, then i guess you have to question whether you should be together. if it still happens while you are married, then things will just get worse and worse..
but to be honest, i'm not sure anyone on here can give you much advice. it seems weird that he is so in love with you, yet still thinks about these things.. why dwell on the past? he should be thinking about your future together and how uh.. he can do those things to you instead. :smile:

didn't help, but nevermind.

good luck.
lol. thanks for making me giggle a bit. i'm so depressed. we love each other, for a while we were angry at each other and i should have been more understanding... anyway, these little thoughts occur less and less often. i want to do something special for him. maybe get him something? take him somewhere? i wanted to see the rat pack at the sovereign but thats more my thing. i dont have much money, or time to make him something as i have jan exams (this isnt really helping my performance!) i've made him stuff before, gemstone necklaces (mannish ones, not girly ones) cards poems letters, peronalised baseball cap and pendant, dvd of the movie we saw on our first date... i want to do something different and show i really do love him.
Reply 3
lol. thanks for making me giggle a bit. i'm so depressed. we love each other, for a while we were angry at each other and i should have been more understanding... anyway, these little thoughts occur less and less often. i want to do something special for him. maybe get him something? take him somewhere? i wanted to see the rat pack at the sovereign but thats more my thing. i dont have much money, or time to make him something as i have jan exams (this isnt really helping my performance!) i've made him stuff before, gemstone necklaces (mannish ones, not girly ones) cards poems letters, peronalised baseball cap and pendant, dvd of the movie we saw on our first date... i want to do something different and show i really really do love him.
Reply 4
I think Marriage should wait until all these issues have blown over.
Reply 5
You've still got uni to go through. you'll change in your twenties like you won't believe .

If he is freaked out by you havcing "graphic" sex with other men before you even went out then i think he needs to grow up a bit before you even consider getting married.
Reply 6
I think words say more than an actual material gift. Or if it is a material gift, it should be something sentimental and thoughtful.. maybe a scrapbook of photographs of the two of you, tickets of places you have been, things you've saved etc? Words seem to mean more to me though for some reason, simply to be told how someone feels about you is nice (as long as they feel positively towards you anyway).
As for the other problem.. what happened in your life before should not affect him this much. What you did before had nothing to do with him really. I would only see it as a problem if they were happening whilst you were going out with him.
Reply 7
segat1
You've still got uni to go through. you'll change in your twenties like you won't believe .

If he is freaked out by you havcing "graphic" sex with other men before you even went out then i think he needs to grow up a bit before you even consider getting married.

Very true, to the OP are you sure your bf is really freaked out by you having sex with other people, are you sure hes not just twisted it to try and make you feel sorry for him to hide his immature jealousy???
Reply 8
no he is definately freaked out. what i failed to mention is that when he found out he got really really depressed and told his parents. i haven't felt comfortable around them since, and his mum definately, definately hates me now (although he claims she doesn't).
another thing i forgot to mention was that my first time was statural rape and the two times after that i was in a state of depression and these were repercussions of my first time when i felt a rejection of my body and just needed to feel loved; i was also bulemic for a while. he actually found out through msn conversations with an ex-boyfriend. but it was't until i told him about the rape about a million times he understood, i think for a while he just thought i was a slut or something. he thought i was lying when i told him the first time, which is understandable, but i think he understands now.
Reply 9
I think if anything, hes probablly just dissapointed he wasn't your first,
if thats the case then hes just got to stop moaning about it and forget it.
He should appreciate what hes got with you rather than complaining about a past he had no part in.
Reply 10
Do you love him properly or are you overwhelmed and taken in by convenience of it all?
You talk about practical matters more than emotions and loving feelings.
Reply 11
i dont care about anything now. he's lost his car, overdrafted his bank account and gotten a bit scruffy since all of this, but he's still perfect, he's still gorgeous and he's stil mine, and i just want to find a way to make things perefect like they were before. i love him and really want to be with him. but what do you mean by love properly? i trust him, need him, he's my best friend and is the only one who can make bad things go away, and i can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. but... everyone has different definitions of love.
Reply 12
Anonymous
i dont care about anything now. he's lost his car, overdrafted his bank account and gotten a bit scruffy since all of this, but he's still perfect, he's still gorgeous and he's stil mine, and i just want to find a way to make things perefect like they were before. i love him and really want to be with him. but what do you mean by love properly? i trust him, need him, he's my best friend and is the only one who can make bad things go away, and i can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. but... everyone has different definitions of love.

Lost his car or had it stolen???
And its his own fault hes overdraft surely???
Nobody is perfect.
Marrying him wont suddenly make things perfect im afraid, he just needs to get over the fact he wasn't your first.
Reply 13
segat1


If he is freaked out by you havcing "graphic" sex with other men before you even went out then i think he needs to grow up a bit before you even consider getting married.

Probably easier said than done though. Especially if she was his first. He'll probably just take a while to get used to things, you just have to reassure him :smile:. Still think it's a bit early to be considering marriage though.
crashed it. and of course its his fault, he's an ebay addict. he's gotten over it i think, and the bad thoughts have gotten less and less, but when he gets them now he rings me and expects me to comfort him, whichi should... i just dont know how anymore; i've tried everything.
Reply 15
asianangel86
crashed it. and of course its his fault, he's an ebay addict. he's gotten over it i think, and the bad thoughts have gotten less and less, but when he gets them now he rings me and expects me to comfort him, whichi should... i just dont know how anymore; i've tried everything.

anonymous? :wink:
Reply 16
crashed it. and of course its his fault, he's an ebay addict. he's gotten over it i think, and the bad thoughts have gotten less and less, but when he gets them now he rings me and expects me to comfort him, which i should... i just dont know how anymore; i've tried everything.
Reply 17
oh dear. time to go.
-night.-
Reply 18
I think counselling would be the best option for him then, perhaps for his addiction aswell.
But fact is, getting engaged or married wont suddenly make all these problems go away and make everything perfect again.
If you want it to be like that youll just have to hope he gets his act together.

Dont worry about not being anon now, nobody is going to think any different of you
Reply 19
thx, i really appreciate it. this quik reply is so fiddley. i didnt get to edit the post before it got read and quoted