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Coping with Suicide

There are lots of thread on here about feeling suicidal, but none about coping with a suicide of a loved one.

Yesterday I heard that an old school friend of mine has killed himself. We went to separate colleges and are both in our first year at different universities, but I talked to him on msn every now and again and it was always so easy, we had a lot in common and I could chat to him as if I saw him every day even though I usually hadn't spoken to him for weeks. I just can't believe this has happened, I feel so guilty for not thinking about him more, I never realised how good a friend he was until now when I'm never going to talk to him again.

Reply 1

Sexy Plexi

5

I am so sorry, that's absolutely awful and it's obviously come as a great shock to you. Try not to feel guilty, though this is a common emotion when you're grieving,you could never have forseen what was to happen and I'm sure that your friend appreciated you for the contribution you made to their life. Maybe talking to your mutual friends would help you to cope with this? x

Reply 2

tbm

13

Sorry to hear about your friend, it must have been a shock for you. You have to remember though that this is not your fault, so dont feel guilty, this was totally beyond your control. I doubt your friend would want you to feel like that. Like Johnnysgirl's post says, perhaps try talking to someone who can help, maybe a friend or a bereavement counsellor if you feel you need it, they will be able to work through your feelings with you.

Reply 3

xXMessedUpXx

15

I had a friend who lost her cousin to suicide and as i remeber it was a very difficult period for her. It's likely that you're going to feel a lot of different emotions, guilt(you shouldn't, its not your fault), anger (why did they have toi do that), sadness (obv, you will mis them a lot), hurt (why did they do this to us?) and many more. Thats completly normal. Similary you may feel numb, greif affects people differntly, tho suicide is one which is in some ways harder to deal with.

If you search, there are charities/organistaions set up to help familes and friends who have lost someone to suicide cope, and maybe try to help them understand

I'm sorry your going through this, you're in my thoughts :hugs:

Reply 4

Sithius

16

I know but there is no use saying 'i wish i had been a better friend' blah blah blah talk because we are only human and all of us (maybe around 0.1% of the population appreicate :wink:

) take everything for granted. The experience won't teach most people a thing.

Sorry for your loss though. :frown:

Reply 5

Bobbie W

generally for the suicide "victim" coping with it isnt a problem. seriously just cope as best you can.

Reply 6

Tarts_n_Vicars

13

My condolences on the loss of your friend.

There is nothing you could have done to prevent this and I know for me I sought comfort in the fact that at least they are at peace now where their demons can't hurt them.

Reply 7

nina_100

12

I don't know exactly what you're going through but my mum went through a suicidal stage and we nearly lost her, I don't know what I'd have done if she'd gone through with it because such guilt comes with it as well as having to deal with the loss! You just have to remember that they weren't depressed because of you, depressions an awful thing that isn't entirely rational; your actions wouldn't have made any difference it goes deeper than that in most cases! its not your fault, the person has to deal with it themselves and, despite needing help doing this, it wasn't your responsibility! Just focus on the fact that you were a good friend to him, hope this helps and didn't come out wrong and make you feel worse :confused:

!! PM if you need a chat x

Reply 8

SammyD

OP

7

Thanks everyone, I know it's silly to think it had anything to do with me but I can't help but think what if. And I just found out how he did it, and I can't stop thinking about it, what was going through his head, how he felt, did it hurt, did he regret it at the last second, did he think of anyone...

It's driving me mad, and the only advice I can find online is on what to do if you think your friend is suicidal, which is just making it worse cos no one had any idea.

Reply 9

username30638

13

SammyD

There are lots of thread on here about feeling suicidal, but none about coping with a suicide of a loved one.

Yesterday I heard that an old school friend of mine has killed himself. We went to separate colleges and are both in our first year at different universities, but I talked to him on msn every now and again and it was always so easy, we had a lot in common and I could chat to him as if I saw him every day even though I usually hadn't spoken to him for weeks. I just can't believe this has happened, I feel so guilty for not thinking about him more, I never realised how good a friend he was until now when I'm never going to talk to him again.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your friend. It is an awful thing for you to have to deal with, but if it helps at all, I know exactly how you feel right now.

2 years ago tomorrow, I lost a very close family member in the same way. We were pretty much best friends when we were children, but his family lived in the north and I saw him less and less as we grew older. The last time I saw him was a few months before his death, and he seemed so happy, everything seemed to be going well for him and he seemed really optimistic about the future.

When my parents broke the news to me, I thought they were joking... it would have been a pretty sick joke I know, but it was something I simply never thought I would hear them say. I did not cry at first, I just felt this overwhelming feeling of emptiness and guilt. I kept asking myself over and over again why he would do this, what in his life could possibly have been so bad that this was the only way of coping.

I wondered for weeks afterwards if I had just called or texted him to see how he was, or just to say hello, maybe things would have been so different. He left no note, nothing... to this day we still do not know why he did it, and although we have our ideas, we will never know what was going through his head. Over time I have decided that it is pointless to even think about it, because it will not change anything or bring him back, it will just cause more sadness. It has taken a long time for my and especially his own family to come to terms with the loss... no matter how much time passes, nothing can ever fill the void that he has left in their lives. I do not think about it very often, but there are certain times of the year, places and situations when I think of him and I just burst into tears. I don't think this will ever change, but it certainly does become easier to live with over time.

There is not much I can really do to advise you on how to cope with it, because this kind of grief is an incredibly personal thing. But I would urge you to talk about your feelings with anyone, whether it's a friend, parents or whoever. It doesn't matter if they did not know the guy, or if they have nothing to say themselves... just for you to be able to tell someone when you feel sad, it really really does help. Also as I mentioned earlier, don't spend your life wondering if you could have changed things or feeling guilty for not spending more time with him, because it will not change anything. It's a cliché I know, but you just have to think about the good times you spent together, and never forget about him. There really is nothing else you can do.

I hope that some of what I said helps, and that you manage to get through this horrible time... needless to say, if you need someone to talk to, PM me anytime :smile:

x

Coping with Suicide

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