My teacher feels like more of a father figure than my own dad...

Anonymous #1

I'll explain it as simply as I can, but bear with me, it's a little long! :smile:

My parents broke up around a year ago and I stayed with my mum, because my dad works all over the country. Sometimes he'll be in England, sometimes he'll be in Wales, sometimes he's right the way up in Scotland - wherever his company sends him. As a result, I only get to see him a couple of times a month. He's not a bad dad, but he doesn't have a lot of time for me and when I see him he mainly asks about school. I don't think he knows a lot about me as a person - this was the case when we lived together too.

I'm a girl and I'm in my final year at a mixed state school sixth form, but most of the teachers are female. I don't have any other older close male relatives as my extended family is a) quite small and b) not really a "family" family. We're the kind who send Christmas/birthday presents, but never ring up for a chat or arrange to meet up - we're quite spread out too.

Enter my teacher, who I met for the first time about two days after I moved out with my mum. He's about forty - my dad is closer to fifty. A lot of students dislike him because he's fairly strict and doesn't tolerate people wasting their education. He can often upset people because he's so bluntly honest. On the other hand, he would never go out of his way to upset anyone and on the occasions he's upset me, he's always apologised and explained his point better.

It isn't that I want him to treat me differently from the way he treats other students. I don't see him as more than a paternal or teacher figure - there's nothing sexual about it. I certainly wouldn't want him to marry my mother or anything. (He has a wife and kids anyway!) However, he feels like a dad to me because, unlike my own dad, I see him every day (bar weekends) and I look up to him as a moral role model. He encourages me and cares about my welfare as well as my grades and because of his senior staff position, he is supposed to be our "first port of call" within school if something is wrong. He believes in discipline, but he's not a jerk about it and he's fun to be around, because he teases people and we are (usually) able to have some banter without anyone getting hurt - though, like I said, he sometimes goes too far! In the end, though, school is becoming more of a 'home' environment, even though there is nothing actually *wrong* at home apart from what I've already mentioned.

Basically, my point is this: is this an unhealthy/uncommon or inappropriate sort of feeling? Should I try not to see him as a father figure - would he feel uncomfortable if he knew? What would you do in my situation?

Reply 1

animalnitrate

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it's nice that you feel able to talk to him about stuff when there's no one else to turn to.

Reply 2

The_Lonely_Goatherd

It's not uncommon or even inappropriate. It can become unhealthy if you develop too strong an attachment or unrealistic expectations of him. But it's actually more common than you would think :smile:

Reply 3

MissDanica

I could've sworn we were the same person if I read this because my teacher that's like this to me is the exact same to me. I've always felt ashamed, like it was weird, or that he'd think it's weird had he know how much his class and him means to me. He has a wife and kids too and from the sounds of it, has almost the exact personality trait. That's my safe space. I feel bad that I'm there every free period of my day. It feels like it looks weird. But I can't loose this. It is where I belong. It's what I love, being in that class I mean. And I feel an oasis of safety at the end of class when everyone clears out and he asks me how I am. I feel cared for. It's so weird. It feels wrong because I don't even have that with my own father: I don't have that with any other male figure. So to us, it only feels weird because we don't know what it's like to have that with the person who's supposed to be in those shoes. Not only have you validated me, it makes me feel less alone and reminds me that it's okay to feel this way and it's not weird.

(edited 1 year ago)

Reply 4

R_Pet

I have a situation similar to this, that's how I found this post. One of the teacher's jobs is to help you enjoy school and what you're learning about. This could mean getting close to students, making all lesson seem inspiring, or anything else that makes kids excited for the class. Seeing as you don't really have any male figures to look up to, this would be ok in any situation. If you feel comfortable enough you can pretty much tell the teacher they're like a dad to youI have always hated English class, but this year i have a pretty young (late 20's) teacher. We'll call him Mr Bruno because he looks exactly like Bruno from the movie Encanto. Everyone else hates him because he takes a little longer to put in grades or they find him as creepy because he's a male teacher. I, on the other hand, see him as my favorite teacher because he is like a father to me. He praises me for everything I do which makes me feel really appreciated because my parents (married) at home never compliment what I do. Me and Mr. Bruno have had some one-on-one talks out of class. He asked about my hobbies and my past. When i usually have conversations with my real dad, it's usually about him. I feel connected to this teacher more than I probably should. I would honestly let him adopt me if he could.He also is never really embarrassed to talk to me or be around me. Lots of people are, even my own parents hate being seen in public with me. I was once walking with some of my friends leaving school after-hours and one of them goes

My teacher feels like more of a father figure than my own dad...

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