The Student Room Group

Physical Relationship Problems

i'm posting this anonymously just in case my boyfriend comes on here.

we have been discussing very heavily the past few days (bordering on argument) about our physical relationship. see, we love each other very much and there is no doubt about that...but the thing is, I don't like my chest and down front being touched. he insists that he can't help it and I understand that. but I don't like his solution: not to touch me in any way at ALL.

he says that he hates it when I tell him to stop because the mood changes, I get upset and then in turn, pisses him off.

what do you guys think we could do to keep being physical but keep him at bay from prohibited areas? we both agreed not to have sex but he can't help touching me. I mean, I love being intimate with him but it's only these two areas of prohibition. he still says that he can't help his hormones and I don't blame him. what can I do about it?
It sounds like you are sexually incompatible. Or at least your expectations are. I split up with a girl in the past because of something like this. There really is no magic solution to be honest. Just make sure he knows that it's nothing personal against 'him' that leads you to not want him in that respect. In the case with my and my old girlfriend, it was more of a religious thing for her. I respected that, but I had to be honest and end it as I felt lack of anything higher than 'making out' made me feel like I was stuck in a relationship designed for 12 year olds. That is just me though.

In any case, Good luck. Hope you work it out better than I did.

*Jaded
Reply 2
He can help touching your chest, it isn't like he looses control of his hands. He just has to try harder not to because this is something that is uncomfatable to you. Have you tried getting him to be more gentle when touching you as maybe that will be more comfatable for you.

Another optioin would be to gently move his hand without saying anything whenever he tries to touch you there as this will not spoil the mood but will still stop him. At the end of the day he shouldn't be pressurising you to do something that you are not comfatable with.
Reply 3
He can help touching your chest, it isn't like he looses control of his hands. At the end of the day he shouldn't be pressurising you to do something that you are not comfatable with.


definately agree and he should respect that too, not go ahead and do it anyway.
take it slow and dont be forced to do anything you dont want to, maybe discuss it with him when you are not in "the moment" tell him that the solution of not touching you at all is silly and there is such a thing as a compromise, let him know what you are comfortable with and what the restrictions are
Reply 4
Exactly. :confused:
Reply 5
How long have the two of you been together?
Reply 6
Very mature, if you are going to say something like that at least have the guts to say it without hiding behing anonymous.
Reply 7
how can you have a relationship if you cant have sex?
Reply 8
TKR
how can you have a relationship if you cant have sex?
Very easily, i had a two year realationship when I was younger where I didn't sleep with someone. A relationship isn't only about the physical side it is about getting to know the person, falling in love with them, becoming emotionally involved. None of these things need sex.
What are the reasons you don't like being touched there? Possibly the solution is to try to understand why you feel this way and sort it out, rather than damage your relationship by setting up prohibitions. I hope you can find a solution
Reply 10
seems to me that when you become sexually mature; you have a relationship, which involves sex, or you're just really close friends with someone

you cant call someone your boyfriend if there is no sexual element
Reply 11
TKR
seems to me that when you become sexually mature; you have a relationship, which involves sex, or you're just really close friends with someone

you cant call someone your boyfriend if there is no sexual element
There are lots of physical things that you can do without actually sleeping with someone. Many people build up a realationship where there don't sleep with the person until they get married. You can still be sexually attracted to someone when you are not sleeping with them so surely there is a sexual element.
Reply 12
randdom
Very easily, i had a two year realationship when I was younger where I didn't sleep with someone. A relationship isn't only about the physical side it is about getting to know the person, falling in love with them, becoming emotionally involved. None of these things need sex.

Exactly.

To the OP, I think we need details. How old are you, how long have you been with this guy, why don't you like him doing this stuff, and so on.
Reply 13
randdom
There are lots of physical things that you can do without actually sleeping with someone. Many people build up a realationship where there don't sleep with the person until they get married. You can still be sexually attracted to someone when you are not sleeping with them so surely there is a sexual element.


Hm. I'd be suspicious of any guy who stays in this kind of relationship - probably a fag.
Perhaps, as said before, you just arnt sexually compatible; this can be a terminal thing in a relationship.

Good luck.
TKR
Hm. I'd be suspicious of any guy who stays in this kind of relationship - probably a fag.

Or religious
randdom
Very easily, i had a two year realationship when I was younger where I didn't sleep with someone. A relationship isn't only about the physical side it is about getting to know the person, falling in love with them, becoming emotionally involved. None of these things need sex.


Whilst I can see that a relationship is possible without sex (though that wouldn't constitute acceptable terms for me), the things you list there: Getting to know them, falling in love with them, becoming emotionally involved: these are all things which I have experienced post-coital. Especially with note to getting to know them - the sexual intimacy of a person is a whole other ball game, and can show whole new elements to a person's character: plus, as a girl, sex is very emotional for me. And the two times I have been in love, I have felt most compelled to initially say it, at its most intense: after sex.

But back to the topic in hand. He really can help his touching you, and he probably half blames you for him doing it "you turn me on too much", "if you weren't so hot" etc etc and to be honest, what it sounds like to me, is that he's trying it on with you, and when you say 'no', he gets in a mood because he's not getting any this time around.

He should understand your needs, as much as you should understand his. If you're 'quite young', you could presume that you may progress in sexual curiousity/activity as you grow older; as it stands you obviously have a lower sex drive than him. I must admit i harbour a bit of age discrimination, and would suggest that if you're around the age of college/above, then you are probably sexually incompatible, but if you're just quite young, then you could just be maturing at a different rate.

Either way, you need to find some common ground for the both of you. He needs it spelling out exactly what he cannot do. It sounds a bit of a passion killer, but you need 'expectation setting'. Otherwise you're going to remain incompatible. Talk to him about what he wants out of it. How far he'd be happy going, and if he's happy working with a slower pace. But it is all about compromise. You could be more forthcoming in what you're doing to him, but be clear on what you're not happy with him doing; but you have then got the responsibility of initiating it when you want it to go further.

I don't think it's a problem with no solution, but it is a tricky one, because he MUST respect the levels of intimacy you're happy with, just as you ought to be conscious of his needs. But, it depends how committed you are to each other, and how much the sexual side of your relationship means to either partner, because it may just be the case that you will both be happier not being together.
thanks you guys. randdom wasn't much help really. I've settled it with my boyfriend already but I'll just give you guys a little more detail so that you guys can analyze it a little better.

I'm 17, this is my first serious boyfriend and I've been with him for a little over 7 months now. it's a long distance relationship but I was back in my home country for three weeks in december and this is roughly where the problem started. I don't like being touched in my breast and crotch area because I was brought up this way and I only want to share myself fully with my future husband (if there even is going to be one). I guess I'm asexual...not really turned on sexually by anything but I love him very much and I love being with him.

and to me, having a relationship doesn't mean having sex. sex is just the physical bonus that I can choose not to have. :smile:
Reply 18
strawberry
thanks you guys. randdom wasn't much help really. I've settled it with my boyfriend already but I'll just give you guys a little more detail so that you guys can analyze it a little better.

I'm 17, this is my first serious boyfriend and I've been with him for a little over 7 months now. it's a long distance relationship but I was back in my home country for three weeks in december and this is roughly where the problem started. I don't like being touched in my breast and crotch area because I was brought up this way and I only want to share myself fully with my future husband (if there even is going to be one). I guess I'm asexual...not really turned on sexually by anything but I love him very much and I love being with him.

and to me, having a relationship doesn't mean having sex. sex is just the physical bonus that I can choose not to have. :smile:


Well, good luck with that.