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my dad [warning: potentially triggering]
He's like a dictator in our house where everyone has to fall in and do what he says or he gets really angry and agressive but when he's in a good mood he's really nice. This makes it even tougher because you never know when he's in a good or bad mood he suddenly just snaps. Like the other day he suddenly went into a rage because the kitchen floor wasn't clean enough and said that because I hadn't hoovered in three days I was "trashing the house". Stupid things like that. He so horrible to my mum as well-he never lets her speak or have her own opinion-I think she's amazing but he's just so nasty and talks down on her. He makes a big point of talking slowly to her like she's stupid. This morning just really ticked me off-he offered to give me a lift to college then he's late to actually give me a lift, I was waiting for him and then he just turns up and says "right lets go" and I said ok let me just get my shoes on and he goes into this massive fit of rage and starts shoating at me and getting really aggressive and wouldn't let me speak-just going off on a tirrade. So we get to the car and I ask him for an apology and he's like I have nothing to apologise for and when I try to say look you were unfair he just goes "shut up just shut up before I chuck you out of this car" and "stop throwing tantrums". Its's like he's a time bomb and I'm really scared and I turned up to college in tears-he always does this-leaves me feeling so small. I'm fine cause I'm leaving for uni this year but I'm scared for my mum-she keeps getting to floods of tears and begging me to stay and I feel so awful-I don't know what to do. She can't leave him either cause its a Christian marriage, oh and he never apologises cause he thinks everything he's doing is right by the Bible and he's being the man of the house.
My first memory is him hitting my mum-just smacking her and I've grown up with this stern horrible figure. I'm the youngest of five and the eldest three hate him and refuse to talk to him and consequently my mum which devestates her. My other sister is in belfast and cannot see why my mum doesn't just leave him. he's not an alcoholic or anything-he says the eldest three have just gone off on their wilful ways and they're all wrong-but they're not; he doesn't realise that once I'm gone, I'm gone for no reason other than him. When I was younger, my eldest sister complained to social services to try and get me out of there but he gave me loads of money and gifts so when they actually spoke to me I was I love my dad etc not telling them about the times he'd chucked me across the room and got his slipper out and just kept whacking me because I though he was different. He made out that social services and nspcc were enemies. I didn't know what to do so I kept calling 999 for help but he'd always come and slam the phone down and when they ring back he'd just make the same old joke about having a hysterical little girl and they'd just laugh and understand over and over again.
Sorry I'm rambling, its getting too much to just bottle up anymore. I feel so alone right now on this.
My first memory is him hitting my mum-just smacking her and I've grown up with this stern horrible figure. I'm the youngest of five and the eldest three hate him and refuse to talk to him and consequently my mum which devestates her. My other sister is in belfast and cannot see why my mum doesn't just leave him. he's not an alcoholic or anything-he says the eldest three have just gone off on their wilful ways and they're all wrong-but they're not; he doesn't realise that once I'm gone, I'm gone for no reason other than him. When I was younger, my eldest sister complained to social services to try and get me out of there but he gave me loads of money and gifts so when they actually spoke to me I was I love my dad etc not telling them about the times he'd chucked me across the room and got his slipper out and just kept whacking me because I though he was different. He made out that social services and nspcc were enemies. I didn't know what to do so I kept calling 999 for help but he'd always come and slam the phone down and when they ring back he'd just make the same old joke about having a hysterical little girl and they'd just laugh and understand over and over again.
Sorry I'm rambling, its getting too much to just bottle up anymore. I feel so alone right now on this.
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Reply 1
Aww hunni, sometimes my dad is like that and it's so horrible. You need to talk to someone. When my dad is angry I find the best thing to do is to be really calm and not shout back. Sometimes when I shout back he slaps me so definitely don't shout back. When he's in a calm mood, you could try asking him why he's always so mean to you? Maybe if he realises he's upsetting you, he won't do it so much. When he yells at you, just agree with him and do what he says, then he'll stop yelling so much.
I dunno, I've been at uni two years and when I go home I still get treated like a kid, so much that I don't want to go home. At least you're leaving soon, only just over 6 months left!
God, poor you.
I feel so sorry for you and your family because NOBODY should have to go through this.
Your mum's self-esteem must be shot to pieces.
What are the circumstances of the marriage? How old were they when they married, how did they meet etc.?
What does your mum say when you and your siblings suggest that she leaves your dad?
I haven't really got much advice to give.
Just all stick together and support your mum. Maybe when you're at uni you and your mum can meet up halfway for lunch, just you and her? This will hopefully give her confidence outside the house and possibly give her the confidence to leave and build her own life.
I wish you all the very best.
I feel so sorry for you and your family because NOBODY should have to go through this.
Your mum's self-esteem must be shot to pieces.
What are the circumstances of the marriage? How old were they when they married, how did they meet etc.?
What does your mum say when you and your siblings suggest that she leaves your dad?
I haven't really got much advice to give.
Just all stick together and support your mum. Maybe when you're at uni you and your mum can meet up halfway for lunch, just you and her? This will hopefully give her confidence outside the house and possibly give her the confidence to leave and build her own life.
I wish you all the very best.
Reply 3
Angelil
God, poor you.
I feel so sorry for you and your family because NOBODY should have to go through this.
Your mum's self-esteem must be shot to pieces.
What are the circumstances of the marriage? How old were they when they married, how did they meet etc.?
What does your mum say when you and your siblings suggest that she leaves your dad?
I haven't really got much advice to give.
Just all stick together and support your mum. Maybe when you're at uni you and your mum can meet up halfway for lunch, just you and her? This will hopefully give her confidence outside the house and possibly give her the confidence to leave and build her own life.
I wish you all the very best.
I feel so sorry for you and your family because NOBODY should have to go through this.
Your mum's self-esteem must be shot to pieces.
What are the circumstances of the marriage? How old were they when they married, how did they meet etc.?
What does your mum say when you and your siblings suggest that she leaves your dad?
I haven't really got much advice to give.
Just all stick together and support your mum. Maybe when you're at uni you and your mum can meet up halfway for lunch, just you and her? This will hopefully give her confidence outside the house and possibly give her the confidence to leave and build her own life.
I wish you all the very best.
I don't know how old they were but they'd both been married before.
Well the thing is-I think my mum is clutching onto the dad she remembers before he got all horrible and who she thinks he can still be. Years ago he was an alcoholic but I don't think eh was ever as bad as this.
The meeting half-way is a good idea and I am definitly willing to give it a go. It's just she sticks up for him so much and always defends him. It;s getting tiring to be honest.
I can imagine.
The fact is that the person your mum remembers probably won't come back. If he does come back he probably only comes back intermittently and this is what your mum clings to.
I seem to remember someone having a similar problem on another forum that I visit quite frequently, I'll see if I can find it for you.
The fact is that the person your mum remembers probably won't come back. If he does come back he probably only comes back intermittently and this is what your mum clings to.
I seem to remember someone having a similar problem on another forum that I visit quite frequently, I'll see if I can find it for you.
H'es hardly an 'abusive' father, it seems like you come from, what many would consider, a 'loving home' - despite you dad's change in character. This could be to do with many things, family regrets, sex-life (I know), who knows.
So he's slapped you a few times, sooooo many parents hit their children, and rightlyfully too, to a reasonable extent it is justified - since parents, should be the most authoritative people in your life. Guideliners.
He doesn;t abuse you, he doesn;t constantly hit you, he shouts at you and goes for you when you shout back - your a teenager - for all we know you could be a right strop - which is the case 99% of the time. You just wouldn't know it.
However the only problem I have with this situation, is the fact that he hits your mother - that is where he cannot justify himself. Hitting children is usually for 'loved anger' - But hitting a partner is for 'anger'.
Therefore he is in the wrong.
So he's slapped you a few times, sooooo many parents hit their children, and rightlyfully too, to a reasonable extent it is justified - since parents, should be the most authoritative people in your life. Guideliners.
He doesn;t abuse you, he doesn;t constantly hit you, he shouts at you and goes for you when you shout back - your a teenager - for all we know you could be a right strop - which is the case 99% of the time. You just wouldn't know it.
However the only problem I have with this situation, is the fact that he hits your mother - that is where he cannot justify himself. Hitting children is usually for 'loved anger' - But hitting a partner is for 'anger'.
Therefore he is in the wrong.
Reply 6
I agree with Astor, it's not like he beats you every night is it? I found it a bit funny how you said about your dad "bribing" you for social services. Again, like Astor said I think the only bad thing he's doing is hitting your mother.
Reply 7
It's one thing having a controlling parent, but it's another thing having a parent who is being emotionally violent towards you, and occasionally physical: absolutely no-one should go through this. You mention that your dad hit your mum when you were younger and that's a first memory of yours - does he still do this?
You're not rambling on - you hit the nail on the head when you said you could no longer bottle things up: you're post made me so sad. You need to talk to someone, and there are organisations out there to help, Childline and The Samaritans being two main ones that spring to mind (The Samaritans also have a service via email: [email protected] I think is the email address).
You're siblings have 'escaped' the situation, and you have the opportunity to do so with uni. It's natural for you to feel doubtful over leaving your mum, but ultimately that's her choice. As I asked before, is he physically violent towards your mum, or you for that matter?
You're not rambling on - you hit the nail on the head when you said you could no longer bottle things up: you're post made me so sad.
You need to talk to someone, and there are organisations out there to help, Childline and The Samaritans being two main ones that spring to mind (The Samaritans also have a service via email: [email protected] I think is the email address).You're siblings have 'escaped' the situation, and you have the opportunity to do so with uni. It's natural for you to feel doubtful over leaving your mum, but ultimately that's her choice. As I asked before, is he physically violent towards your mum, or you for that matter?
Oh come on moosey, there are children without parents, a home, or even the opportunity to 'escape' to 'university' - She is fed, she is under a roof, she is at least 18, and she is old enough to tell her dad to f*** o**. She is not in the least a victim of 'abuse' - just a controlling dad. So what.
Like I said, she could be a spoilt brat who has had everything, and now shes getting older, her parents give less as she continuously demands. Who knows? It doesn;t sound remotely serious.
Children in Thailand are sold for prostitution at 8 year old. She gets a bit of stick off an experience parent - who has had 5 children before.
Like I said, she could be a spoilt brat who has had everything, and now shes getting older, her parents give less as she continuously demands. Who knows? It doesn;t sound remotely serious.
Children in Thailand are sold for prostitution at 8 year old. She gets a bit of stick off an experience parent - who has had 5 children before.
Reply 10
I think you're being a bit insensitive Astor! This girl has come to us asking for help because she cant take it anymore and just because your definition of "abuse" doesnt seem appropriate to her case, that doesnt mean that she doesnt feel that! What is your point in saying that Children in thailand are sold in prostitution.. yeah we know that and everyday when you eat, people in Africa starve and die of malnutrition (or infact NO nutrition whatsoever), what is the point of saying that?? Everyone has their problems relative to THEIR individual case and whilst this may seem very ignorant and inhumane, but if someone has a problem then they become engrossed in it and dont really give a rats ass about other people worse off than them.. everyone is like that!
Concerning the actual post though, i think its your duty to protect your mother now because from what you tell us, your mum seems emotionally and physically vulnerable, which is sooo wrong! I dont know who you could contact for help in this situation cause i dont actually live in the uk but you need to get help or tell someone like a teacher for help.. What he is doing to you is wrong because whilst some may see this as fine behaviour, i dont think it is (as im sure you agree), its bringing you down and your dad seems like he has a temper problem and some other psychological problem concerning his need to be so controlling. He's the one that needs the most help, although i dont think its a good idea if you tell him he has a problem because then he would shout at you cause he might not understand.. i dont know.
I sincerely hope that things get better and they will, by asking for help. Maybe get your brother and sisters to meet up with you so you can talk to them about it and try and figure out a solution to help both you and your mum.. Good luck xxx
Concerning the actual post though, i think its your duty to protect your mother now because from what you tell us, your mum seems emotionally and physically vulnerable, which is sooo wrong! I dont know who you could contact for help in this situation cause i dont actually live in the uk but you need to get help or tell someone like a teacher for help.. What he is doing to you is wrong because whilst some may see this as fine behaviour, i dont think it is (as im sure you agree), its bringing you down and your dad seems like he has a temper problem and some other psychological problem concerning his need to be so controlling. He's the one that needs the most help, although i dont think its a good idea if you tell him he has a problem because then he would shout at you cause he might not understand.. i dont know.
I sincerely hope that things get better and they will, by asking for help. Maybe get your brother and sisters to meet up with you so you can talk to them about it and try and figure out a solution to help both you and your mum.. Good luck xxx
Reply 11
My parents (especially my mum) hit me and my brother and sister quite a lot. She is also very unreasonable and thinks that everybody else's opinion is unvalid. So I definitely know where you're coming from. My advice to you is to do what I did until I got out of there for uni - try and button your lip. When he shouts at you, just look at the floor, mumble "yes, dad". It might seem like he's got one over you, but in reality, you win because it means that he doesn't get so mad and then nothing gets blown out of proportion. My Mum also never apologizies, she has never said sorry to me once for all of the things that she has done. It is always my fault, I am always in the wrong. This has made me quite bitter about things, but remember to learn from it with your own children.
Finally, your parents do NOT have a christian marriage, and your dad is not a christian. He might think that he is, but he isn't. Christian parents don't hit their children for any other reason than discipline, and even then it will only be once, and it wont be down out of rage. He is right that the man should be the head of the house, but not to the extent of belittling your mother. Don't let your experiences put you off Christianity, because what you are seeing is NOT christianity. If your father had a relationship with God, he would definitely not be guiding him to act in the way that he is.
Finally, your parents do NOT have a christian marriage, and your dad is not a christian. He might think that he is, but he isn't. Christian parents don't hit their children for any other reason than discipline, and even then it will only be once, and it wont be down out of rage. He is right that the man should be the head of the house, but not to the extent of belittling your mother. Don't let your experiences put you off Christianity, because what you are seeing is NOT christianity. If your father had a relationship with God, he would definitely not be guiding him to act in the way that he is.
xelprep
I agree with Astor, it's not like he beats you every night is it? I found it a bit funny how you said about your dad "bribing" you for social services. Again, like Astor said I think the only bad thing he's doing is hitting your mother.
So violence is acceptable as long as it doesn't happen constantly? Don't be so ridiculous. There is such a thing as psychological abuse, in any event.
The OP is in a very unenviable situation, and I really sympathise. I'm not sure whether a man like his/her father can really change - and he doesn't sound like the type to even admit that he has a problem. If things don't change for the better, I hope the OP's mother finds the strength to leave and live her life without being belittled and physically abused. I realise there is the added issue of faith here, but surely no religion can require a wife to live with an abusive husband.
Reply 13
xelprep
I agree with Astor, it's not like he beats you every night is it? I found it a bit funny how you said about your dad "bribing" you for social services. Again, like Astor said I think the only bad thing he's doing is hitting your mother.
Pray enlighten me on what you found funny cause i sure dont see it!
Reply 14
To the OP: I know exactly how you feel because I feel like I'm also in a similar situation. *hugs*
My dad sounds too similar to yours. He is very violent if someone disagrees with something he says/does, especially towards me, my mother & my brother. But then theres days where he is unbelievably nice & like any loving father..thats when I feel happy & guilty for ever hating him/calling the police when we were younger/telling people about how horrible he is.
I remember that when I was younger (about 2 years ago), my dad was violent towards my mother to the extent that she had bruises & suffered from concussion. (sp?) Anyway, my brother was once beaten up badly by my father & so I decided to call the police. My mum dropped the charges of GBH against him, I really don't know why after all that he had done to her. When he came back from the police station, he hadn't changed. He hit me & my mother as soon as he got back. And this is all I've ever seen, a cruel world where people don't get what they deserve.
Like yourself, I am going to University this year & although I'm glad to be free of the physical & emotional abuse, I feel sad for my mother because I don't know if she'll be okay.
I just want you to realise that your not alone.
My dad sounds too similar to yours. He is very violent if someone disagrees with something he says/does, especially towards me, my mother & my brother. But then theres days where he is unbelievably nice & like any loving father..thats when I feel happy & guilty for ever hating him/calling the police when we were younger/telling people about how horrible he is.
I remember that when I was younger (about 2 years ago), my dad was violent towards my mother to the extent that she had bruises & suffered from concussion. (sp?) Anyway, my brother was once beaten up badly by my father & so I decided to call the police. My mum dropped the charges of GBH against him, I really don't know why after all that he had done to her. When he came back from the police station, he hadn't changed. He hit me & my mother as soon as he got back. And this is all I've ever seen, a cruel world where people don't get what they deserve.
Like yourself, I am going to University this year & although I'm glad to be free of the physical & emotional abuse, I feel sad for my mother because I don't know if she'll be okay.
I just want you to realise that your not alone.
Reply 15
Astor
H'es hardly an 'abusive' father, it seems like you come from, what many would consider, a 'loving home' - despite you dad's change in character. This could be to do with many things, family regrets, sex-life (I know), who knows.
So he's slapped you a few times, sooooo many parents hit their children, and rightlyfully too, to a reasonable extent it is justified - since parents, should be the most authoritative people in your life. Guideliners.
He doesn;t abuse you, he doesn;t constantly hit you, he shouts at you and goes for you when you shout back - your a teenager - for all we know you could be a right strop - which is the case 99% of the time. You just wouldn't know it.
However the only problem I have with this situation, is the fact that he hits your mother - that is where he cannot justify himself. Hitting children is usually for 'loved anger' - But hitting a partner is for 'anger'.
Therefore he is in the wrong.
So he's slapped you a few times, sooooo many parents hit their children, and rightlyfully too, to a reasonable extent it is justified - since parents, should be the most authoritative people in your life. Guideliners.
He doesn;t abuse you, he doesn;t constantly hit you, he shouts at you and goes for you when you shout back - your a teenager - for all we know you could be a right strop - which is the case 99% of the time. You just wouldn't know it.
However the only problem I have with this situation, is the fact that he hits your mother - that is where he cannot justify himself. Hitting children is usually for 'loved anger' - But hitting a partner is for 'anger'.
Therefore he is in the wrong.
I don't understand why you are defending the OP's dad. I don't understand why anyone has to put up with being treated like crap because it is coming from family (dad). family should be a confort zone. if you would not tolerate being emotionally and physically battered by a stranger, why is it ok because family is doing it.
why should anyone be yelled at. i feel like i'm goin to have a heart attack when i'm yelled at, i think it's really insensitive of anyone to inflict such discomfort on anyone else. especially if you know it hurts them. like being a teenager in this world is not challenging enough.
what is wrong with disciplining your kids in love, WHEN YOU ARE CALM AND NOT ANGRY. there is no need to resort to violence.
so yeah.....
Reply 16
Just do not retaliate.
Reply 18
DON'T let any of the responses here make you think that what you're going through is acceptable. 'Experienced' parent doesn't mean good parent. It is completely wrong to emotionally or physically bully someone else, be it in your own home or elsewhere. I'm afraid I have no practical advice to give you, except that you should NEVER think that this is your fault or that perhaps your father's behaviour is reasonable.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself.
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