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Odd question
How do you make friends? This may seem an odd question but I haven't actually ever made friends before. I might get on casually with someone for a short amount of time but that is it. Those I have closest who are the closest to friends I have had or have are always pathetic, or screwed up. I usually end up tiring off them, which takes a while as I am pretty patient. The people I respect, even if they don't dislike me to begin with eventually will. I'm a bit of a geek and definitely outside the "cool" groupings, but even geeks and their little social circle seems to treat me as an outsider. I don't even see myself as that bad a chararecter really. Yes I can be a bit self-centred and petulant, but then everyone has a bad side.
Now I have always been something of a social aberration. At both levels of school I was universally rejected by my peers. It wasn't even necessarily bullying just social rejection, and I honestly don't know anyone else who has been through a similar thing. It's not just for a part of my life but throughout it, right from when I started school to now at university. I notice people in normal and healthy social groups and I seem the eternal outsider. I also realise as long as I am this outsider with practically no social skills I will find it impossible to get a girlfriend.
I can't hold a conversation either, unless it is an academic one in which case I come to dominant the room. I'm described as "cold" and emotionless, yet in a way this is nothing but a psychological self-defense mechanism. It's not even that big an issue for me, I don't "need" people as much as most and seem to enjoy speaking to myself most, being very introverted. I'm not so much interested in what I "can do", as it all seems to involve a process of continous self evaluation. Unfortunately I have a throughly disorganised mind and would be unable to do this, besides my general awkward demeanour, attitudes and even gait seem to make change harder anyway. I'm more looking to see if anyone else has had this experience and if anyone can offer analysis as to why? When I asked originally "how do you make friends" I'm not looking for how I could necessarily rather how others do so as to understand why I don't - if that makes sense.
I hope I'm not coming across as moaning because I am well aware that others at this board have far more serious issues, but it is a resource to be used.
Now I have always been something of a social aberration. At both levels of school I was universally rejected by my peers. It wasn't even necessarily bullying just social rejection, and I honestly don't know anyone else who has been through a similar thing. It's not just for a part of my life but throughout it, right from when I started school to now at university. I notice people in normal and healthy social groups and I seem the eternal outsider. I also realise as long as I am this outsider with practically no social skills I will find it impossible to get a girlfriend.
I can't hold a conversation either, unless it is an academic one in which case I come to dominant the room. I'm described as "cold" and emotionless, yet in a way this is nothing but a psychological self-defense mechanism. It's not even that big an issue for me, I don't "need" people as much as most and seem to enjoy speaking to myself most, being very introverted. I'm not so much interested in what I "can do", as it all seems to involve a process of continous self evaluation. Unfortunately I have a throughly disorganised mind and would be unable to do this, besides my general awkward demeanour, attitudes and even gait seem to make change harder anyway. I'm more looking to see if anyone else has had this experience and if anyone can offer analysis as to why? When I asked originally "how do you make friends" I'm not looking for how I could necessarily rather how others do so as to understand why I don't - if that makes sense.
I hope I'm not coming across as moaning because I am well aware that others at this board have far more serious issues, but it is a resource to be used.
Scroll to see replies
Is this serious?
Anyway, I am assuming you are a guy as you said you were worried about getting a girlfriend. Have you tried making friends with girls as opposed to guys. Some people just bond more naturally with the opposite sex. Might you be dyspraxix (I think this is right), which means social skills are impared?
Anyway, I am assuming you are a guy as you said you were worried about getting a girlfriend. Have you tried making friends with girls as opposed to guys. Some people just bond more naturally with the opposite sex. Might you be dyspraxix (I think this is right), which means social skills are impared?
I used to be in a similar situation as I was very introverted. I was very worried about what people thought of me and really tried to fit in with everyone's expectations. At times everything just seemed so hopeless. However one day I realized that I can't be bothered living that way anymore and not much later I was making the best friends of my life. I finally managed to play a few gigs for people and got a beautiful and amazing girlfriend. So what I'm trying to say is focus on your strengths and don't worry about what people will say. Get yourself out there and make yourself available. Find people with similar interests. Starting a new hobby is a great way to meet people. It worked for me.
Good luck
Good luck
I thought dyspraxia was co-ordination problems rather than social problems?
to the OP - you sound very much like me. I too have found it pretty difficult to interact with people right from my arrival at school. My mum has told me that while my sister was probably socially and academically ready for school at 4, I was academically ready at 4 but probably not really socially ready even at 5. It is difficult and even though I'm finding it easier at uni I do still feel like an outsider a fair bit. Just join loads of societies when you get to uni and get as involved in everything as much as possible - it helps no end and making friends in such a wide environment as a university is far easier than I had expected it to be.
As for the finding a girlfriend thing - don't worry about it, it just takes some people longer than others, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you! My boyfriend was 23 before he had his first girlfriend (me). It's just a matter of waiting for the right person and when that person comes along the waiting will have been worth every second. I wish you all the best.
to the OP - you sound very much like me. I too have found it pretty difficult to interact with people right from my arrival at school. My mum has told me that while my sister was probably socially and academically ready for school at 4, I was academically ready at 4 but probably not really socially ready even at 5. It is difficult and even though I'm finding it easier at uni I do still feel like an outsider a fair bit. Just join loads of societies when you get to uni and get as involved in everything as much as possible - it helps no end and making friends in such a wide environment as a university is far easier than I had expected it to be.
As for the finding a girlfriend thing - don't worry about it, it just takes some people longer than others, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you! My boyfriend was 23 before he had his first girlfriend (me). It's just a matter of waiting for the right person and when that person comes along the waiting will have been worth every second. I wish you all the best.
Angelil
I thought dyspraxia was co-ordination problems rather than social problems?
to the OP - you sound very much like me. I too have found it pretty difficult to interact with people right from my arrival at school. My mum has told me that while my sister was probably socially and academically ready for school at 4, I was academically ready at 4 but probably not really socially ready even at 5. It is difficult and even though I'm finding it easier at uni I do still feel like an outsider a fair bit. Just join loads of societies when you get to uni and get as involved in everything as much as possible - it helps no end and making friends in such a wide environment as a university is far easier than I had expected it to be.
sophieliz
Is this serious?
Anyway, I am assuming you are a guy as you said you were worried about getting a girlfriend. Have you tried making friends with girls as opposed to guys. Some people just bond more naturally with the opposite sex. Might you be dyspraxix (I think this is right), which means social skills are impared?
Anyway, I am assuming you are a guy as you said you were worried about getting a girlfriend. Have you tried making friends with girls as opposed to guys. Some people just bond more naturally with the opposite sex. Might you be dyspraxix (I think this is right), which means social skills are impared?
The thing is while I might indeed under normal circumstances actually get on better with girls, the thing is as pathetic as this sounds (hence the need for anonymity!) I actually find talking to them extremely difficult and I seem to become pretty anxiety. I suppose I am scared of them in some way. Then of course for what it is worth, given that I have the ultimate "weirdo" status they seem pretty disdainful of me. So that isn't really a good starting point.
gold d of e will either be amazing and you'll make the best friends of your life or it'll be rubbish...it quite simply depends on whether the others who are doing it at that time are your type (you do have a type though you might not know it).
my sister's very dyspraxic and i am a little bit too. im pretty disorganised but quite good with my spacial awareness...socially im not a raving clubber unless its on holiday or to celebrate something - more of a pubbing with friends type.
i dont know how old you are (being anonymous!) but things that are good for making friends are intensive courses. i went on a headstart engineering course last summer and that's actually where i met my current boyfriend. now in no way is he your bogstandard male...in fact when i first heard him talking i thought 'o my god, its another of those arrogant, socially incapable knowitalls'....turns out hes just insanely intelligent, doesnt care what people say about who and what he is, and um cant keep his mouth shut to be quite frank!! he will talk till the world comes to a standstill and then try to persuade it to spin again.
if your not a party beast...may i suggest scottish dancing at uni? now no laughing but if you dont like regular dancing its one hell of a gd way of going to a party and meeting people. you have to learn the dances but they're quite straightforward with lots of repeated patterns that you will remember forever once you'v learnt them. its a sociable thing and you dont have to worry about what you're doing cos people just shove u in the right direction and you're all doing the same thing. you dont have to be scottish or posh...most unis do a scottish dancing club (also known as reeling or sometimes caledonian society)
feel free to pm me if you want any other ideas...my sister is second year uni and im last year at school so iv a pretty broad range of ideas in both situations. dyspraxia isnt a big deal - the stuff people do is actually kind of cute sometimes!! my mums actually dragging me of to bath in march to be tested for adhd which she is convinced i have...if i do it doesnt really bother me!!! o and for the record we also reckon my dad has aspergers, so yeah my family has seen it all!!!
its not depressing - its great. your special and different...interesting people will love that in a while but sometimes people are sorting themselves out too and trying to work out who they are, before dealing with unusual personalities. keep at it - where there's a will there's a way and all...
my sister's very dyspraxic and i am a little bit too. im pretty disorganised but quite good with my spacial awareness...socially im not a raving clubber unless its on holiday or to celebrate something - more of a pubbing with friends type.
i dont know how old you are (being anonymous!) but things that are good for making friends are intensive courses. i went on a headstart engineering course last summer and that's actually where i met my current boyfriend. now in no way is he your bogstandard male...in fact when i first heard him talking i thought 'o my god, its another of those arrogant, socially incapable knowitalls'....turns out hes just insanely intelligent, doesnt care what people say about who and what he is, and um cant keep his mouth shut to be quite frank!! he will talk till the world comes to a standstill and then try to persuade it to spin again.
if your not a party beast...may i suggest scottish dancing at uni? now no laughing but if you dont like regular dancing its one hell of a gd way of going to a party and meeting people. you have to learn the dances but they're quite straightforward with lots of repeated patterns that you will remember forever once you'v learnt them. its a sociable thing and you dont have to worry about what you're doing cos people just shove u in the right direction and you're all doing the same thing. you dont have to be scottish or posh...most unis do a scottish dancing club (also known as reeling or sometimes caledonian society)
feel free to pm me if you want any other ideas...my sister is second year uni and im last year at school so iv a pretty broad range of ideas in both situations. dyspraxia isnt a big deal - the stuff people do is actually kind of cute sometimes!! my mums actually dragging me of to bath in march to be tested for adhd which she is convinced i have...if i do it doesnt really bother me!!! o and for the record we also reckon my dad has aspergers, so yeah my family has seen it all!!!
its not depressing - its great. your special and different...interesting people will love that in a while but sometimes people are sorting themselves out too and trying to work out who they are, before dealing with unusual personalities. keep at it - where there's a will there's a way and all...
Thanks for that post... it's interesting, now I'm anonymous I don't mind saying it, but I do consider myself pretty intelligent. I was top of the year in many of my subjects and can talk about serious things indefatigably. Yet the traditionally intelligent people often shun me, mainly because my lack of organisation in terms of my speech often makes me say stupid things. Plus I look "stupid", in that I don't look like how your'd expect a geek to. It is only when people speak to me in considerable depth or read something I have written that they comment on my intelligence, which again isn't a scientific intelligence really just a sort of innate natural ability for critical thinking.
I may think of your suggestion: it's not really something that had ever crossed my mind.
Also for the poster who mentioned he was so tied to how people think of him, I understand that fully. I am constantly concerned about how others are judging me and whether or not I am living up to their standards. Is this so surprising when I was constantly reminded of my inferiority at school? I gained some sort of respect in the 6th form for the amount I knew. Yet this seems to have backslided now I'm at the first year of university. As strange as it sounds people here seem even more immature and intolerant than they were at school.
I may think of your suggestion: it's not really something that had ever crossed my mind.
Also for the poster who mentioned he was so tied to how people think of him, I understand that fully. I am constantly concerned about how others are judging me and whether or not I am living up to their standards. Is this so surprising when I was constantly reminded of my inferiority at school? I gained some sort of respect in the 6th form for the amount I knew. Yet this seems to have backslided now I'm at the first year of university. As strange as it sounds people here seem even more immature and intolerant than they were at school.
Anonymous
How do you make friends? This may seem an odd question but I haven't actually ever made friends before. I might get on casually with someone for a short amount of time but that is it. Those I have closest who are the closest to friends I have had or have are always pathetic, or screwed up. I usually end up tiring off them, which takes a while as I am pretty patient. The people I respect, even if they don't dislike me to begin with eventually will. I'm a bit of a geek and definitely outside the "cool" groupings, but even geeks and their little social circle seems to treat me as an outsider. I don't even see myself as that bad a chararecter really. Yes I can be a bit self-centred and petulant, but then everyone has a bad side.
Now I have always been something of a social aberration. At both levels of school I was universally rejected by my peers. It wasn't even necessarily bullying just social rejection, and I honestly don't know anyone else who has been through a similar thing. It's not just for a part of my life but throughout it, right from when I started school to now at university. I notice people in normal and healthy social groups and I seem the eternal outsider. I also realise as long as I am this outsider with practically no social skills I will find it impossible to get a girlfriend.
I can't hold a conversation either, unless it is an academic one in which case I come to dominant the room. I'm described as "cold" and emotionless, yet in a way this is nothing but a psychological self-defense mechanism. It's not even that big an issue for me, I don't "need" people as much as most and seem to enjoy speaking to myself most, being very introverted. I'm not so much interested in what I "can do", as it all seems to involve a process of continous self evaluation. Unfortunately I have a throughly disorganised mind and would be unable to do this, besides my general awkward demeanour, attitudes and even gait seem to make change harder anyway. I'm more looking to see if anyone else has had this experience and if anyone can offer analysis as to why? When I asked originally "how do you make friends" I'm not looking for how I could necessarily rather how others do so as to understand why I don't - if that makes sense.
I hope I'm not coming across as moaning because I am well aware that others at this board have far more serious issues, but it is a resource to be used.
Now I have always been something of a social aberration. At both levels of school I was universally rejected by my peers. It wasn't even necessarily bullying just social rejection, and I honestly don't know anyone else who has been through a similar thing. It's not just for a part of my life but throughout it, right from when I started school to now at university. I notice people in normal and healthy social groups and I seem the eternal outsider. I also realise as long as I am this outsider with practically no social skills I will find it impossible to get a girlfriend.
I can't hold a conversation either, unless it is an academic one in which case I come to dominant the room. I'm described as "cold" and emotionless, yet in a way this is nothing but a psychological self-defense mechanism. It's not even that big an issue for me, I don't "need" people as much as most and seem to enjoy speaking to myself most, being very introverted. I'm not so much interested in what I "can do", as it all seems to involve a process of continous self evaluation. Unfortunately I have a throughly disorganised mind and would be unable to do this, besides my general awkward demeanour, attitudes and even gait seem to make change harder anyway. I'm more looking to see if anyone else has had this experience and if anyone can offer analysis as to why? When I asked originally "how do you make friends" I'm not looking for how I could necessarily rather how others do so as to understand why I don't - if that makes sense.
I hope I'm not coming across as moaning because I am well aware that others at this board have far more serious issues, but it is a resource to be used.
I don't have the conversation problems, but even the 'strange' and non conformist groups in my 6th form ignore. I don't have many people I'd call friends, like 2 or three, the rest are just people to be ignored by and talked about by. I think this is because I'm stubborn, argumentative and sarcastic though.
Don't try too hard and ignore those who you'd normally react negatively to.
Forget about this 'weirdo' status you feel like you have and just talk to people. Maybe if face to face is too difficult to start off with you could get the emails/mobile numbers of people on your course and talk to them via text or msn first? While you're thinking 'i can't make friends', it will be really hard for you to do as you have negative thoughts in your head. I think the fact that you're somehow scared of making friends, or worried you're going to do it all wrong, is getting in the way of actually getting to know people.
Are you in halls at uni? If you don't have the time to join socities, how about getting to know the people you live near? Or the others on your course? Just a simple 'hello, how are you?' could start off a conversation, which gradually builds up to something more. You don't automatically make friends with someone, it just happens. Girls may be easier to make friends with if you find it hard to get in with the 'ladish' friendships... but all males aren't like that.
I've made a lot of my friends through being introduced to them by other friends. Just by generally talking and hanging out a few times. Thats how I got together with my boyfriend- we had a guy mate who was close friends with both of us, and he introduced us so we started hanging out as the 3 of us and it went from there. With others, I can't remember exactly how we became friends, it just happened.
Some people find it harder to make friends than others, but its just a matter of striking up conversation about something, and seeing what happens. Not everyone will be responsive, but loads of people will talk back. Granted, I've never not had best friends so I don't know what it feels like, but just try chatting to a few people and take it from there.
Good luck! x
Are you in halls at uni? If you don't have the time to join socities, how about getting to know the people you live near? Or the others on your course? Just a simple 'hello, how are you?' could start off a conversation, which gradually builds up to something more. You don't automatically make friends with someone, it just happens. Girls may be easier to make friends with if you find it hard to get in with the 'ladish' friendships... but all males aren't like that.
I've made a lot of my friends through being introduced to them by other friends. Just by generally talking and hanging out a few times. Thats how I got together with my boyfriend- we had a guy mate who was close friends with both of us, and he introduced us so we started hanging out as the 3 of us and it went from there. With others, I can't remember exactly how we became friends, it just happened.
Some people find it harder to make friends than others, but its just a matter of striking up conversation about something, and seeing what happens. Not everyone will be responsive, but loads of people will talk back. Granted, I've never not had best friends so I don't know what it feels like, but just try chatting to a few people and take it from there.
Good luck! x
beanie
Are you in halls at uni? If you don't have the time to join socities, how about getting to know the people you live near? Or the others on your course? Just a simple 'hello, how are you?' could start off a conversation, which gradually builds up to something more. You don't automatically make friends with someone, it just happens. Girls may be easier to make friends with if you find it hard to get in with the 'ladish' friendships... but all males aren't like that.
Anonymous
How do you make friends? This may seem an odd question but I haven't actually ever made friends before. I might get on casually with someone for a short amount of time but that is it. Those I have closest who are the closest to friends I have had or have are always pathetic, or screwed up. I usually end up tiring off them, which takes a while as I am pretty patient. The people I respect, even if they don't dislike me to begin with eventually will. I'm a bit of a geek and definitely outside the "cool" groupings, but even geeks and their little social circle seems to treat me as an outsider. I don't even see myself as that bad a chararecter really. Yes I can be a bit self-centred and petulant, but then everyone has a bad side.
Now I have always been something of a social aberration. At both levels of school I was universally rejected by my peers. It wasn't even necessarily bullying just social rejection, and I honestly don't know anyone else who has been through a similar thing. It's not just for a part of my life but throughout it, right from when I started school to now at university. I notice people in normal and healthy social groups and I seem the eternal outsider. I also realise as long as I am this outsider with practically no social skills I will find it impossible to get a girlfriend.
I can't hold a conversation either, unless it is an academic one in which case I come to dominant the room. I'm described as "cold" and emotionless, yet in a way this is nothing but a psychological self-defense mechanism. It's not even that big an issue for me, I don't "need" people as much as most and seem to enjoy speaking to myself most, being very introverted. I'm not so much interested in what I "can do", as it all seems to involve a process of continous self evaluation. Unfortunately I have a throughly disorganised mind and would be unable to do this, besides my general awkward demeanour, attitudes and even gait seem to make change harder anyway. I'm more looking to see if anyone else has had this experience and if anyone can offer analysis as to why? When I asked originally "how do you make friends" I'm not looking for how I could necessarily rather how others do so as to understand why I don't - if that makes sense.
I hope I'm not coming across as moaning because I am well aware that others at this board have far more serious issues, but it is a resource to be used.
Now I have always been something of a social aberration. At both levels of school I was universally rejected by my peers. It wasn't even necessarily bullying just social rejection, and I honestly don't know anyone else who has been through a similar thing. It's not just for a part of my life but throughout it, right from when I started school to now at university. I notice people in normal and healthy social groups and I seem the eternal outsider. I also realise as long as I am this outsider with practically no social skills I will find it impossible to get a girlfriend.
I can't hold a conversation either, unless it is an academic one in which case I come to dominant the room. I'm described as "cold" and emotionless, yet in a way this is nothing but a psychological self-defense mechanism. It's not even that big an issue for me, I don't "need" people as much as most and seem to enjoy speaking to myself most, being very introverted. I'm not so much interested in what I "can do", as it all seems to involve a process of continous self evaluation. Unfortunately I have a throughly disorganised mind and would be unable to do this, besides my general awkward demeanour, attitudes and even gait seem to make change harder anyway. I'm more looking to see if anyone else has had this experience and if anyone can offer analysis as to why? When I asked originally "how do you make friends" I'm not looking for how I could necessarily rather how others do so as to understand why I don't - if that makes sense.
I hope I'm not coming across as moaning because I am well aware that others at this board have far more serious issues, but it is a resource to be used.
You've just described me there!
I'm the exact same as you. [notice I'm not scared to admit it, hence not anonymous] - It's nothing to be embarassed about.
But I have my reasons.
Something I would like to clarify is although I was bullied (and pretty mercilessly for 10-11 years) this isn't really an issue for me now - the two were pretty connected. It's just the social rejection issue now remains as the key issue here...
Anonymous
Yes I have spoken to people online through MSN and have been friends with a few of them (all girls in fact). However I tend to find, as strange as this may sound I only really get on with people who have either "issues" or are interested in acadmeic stuff generally because I find small talk impossible.
I'm well aware of this and I do make conversation yet I seem to have this ability to always remain quite distant with everyone.
I'm well aware of this and I do make conversation yet I seem to have this ability to always remain quite distant with everyone.
What do you mean issues? As if you mean it as in personal issues, then I know what you mean... I tend to find it easier to make friends with people like that too. Don't know why, think its just personal preferences when it comes to talking to people. Maybe you could join an academic society of something you're interested in and just made sure it didn't take up too much of your time? Then at least you'd already have something to talk about with the people there.
beanie
What do you mean issues? As if you mean it as in personal issues, then I know what you mean... I tend to find it easier to make friends with people like that too. Don't know why, think its just personal preferences when it comes to talking to people. Maybe you could join an academic society of something you're interested in and just made sure it didn't take up too much of your time? Then at least you'd already have something to talk about with the people there.
Anonymous
I tend to find most students (depressingly) unconcerned about the kind of things I can go on about for ever.
cmon u cant beat me at that...now what do i like...hmmm - horses, animals in general, lacrosse(??), sunshine, and most particularly my boyfriend (only problem with talking about him is that hes the only one interested!!
)so ur at uni...go find that scottish dancing club - i'll give u a tenner if stuff doesnt start happening within the first three or four trips!!!
Kill_More_Foxes
cmon u cant beat me at that...now what do i like...hmmm - horses, animals in general, lacrosse(??), sunshine, and most particularly my boyfriend (only problem with talking about him is that hes the only one interested!! )
so ur at uni...go find that scottish dancing club - i'll give u a tenner if stuff doesnt start happening within the first three or four trips!!!
)so ur at uni...go find that scottish dancing club - i'll give u a tenner if stuff doesnt start happening within the first three or four trips!!!
Well with an offer like that I may just do so... but I've got to say I would feel a bit strange doing it.
wouldnt most? it is funny at first but its so much fun in the end because you're not dancing one on one with someone (with a different parter each time and in a big group) so you dont have to be witty or funny or anything at all if you dont want to. also because its not particularly individual stuff...you're not making up moves like normal dancing, its just prescribed movements and its the same for everyone. if you want something that'll make you feel the same as the others than maybe this could be your thing?
Kill_More_Foxes
wouldnt most? it is funny at first but its so much fun in the end because you're not dancing one on one with someone (with a different parter each time and in a big group) so you dont have to be witty or funny or anything at all if you dont want to. also because its not particularly individual stuff...you're not making up moves like normal dancing, its just prescribed movements and its the same for everyone. if you want something that'll make you feel the same as the others than maybe this could be your thing?
Actually thats one of my big problems, I cannot be funny at all. I appreciate comedy a lot but if I ever try to tell a joke I always say it in such a monotone and boring way all I get back in response is this awkward silence.
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